The Hole

By the end of yesterday I was missing Sam a whole lot. I guess it was the combination of the busy week (and a dumb movie we were watching), it just brought a few feelings to the surface. We both were feeling it - a bit of a sad moment, but it was good to talk about it and have a cuddle.

This grief thing is so strange. It's been nearly 10 months, so things are different (and I guess you could say better): we have established some different routines, and we can laugh more, have fun...

But there are also the hard things. The memories are starting to fade a little- sometimes it's hard to picture his face, or there are those moments that are just below the surface, out of reach.

It's like I'm carrying a big hole around with me. Most of the time I can carry it easily, I hardly notice it's there. Then other times it gets so big I can't hold onto it, I feel like I'm going to fall in.

And I still find myself (most of the time unconsciously) trying to fill that hole. With new pursuits, with busyness and, sadly, with food. I don't know how deep my hole is, but I hope I find better ways to deal with it.

Ah well, new week, positive start. More from me later.