As you know, Christmas is our tough time of year.
It didn't seem like this year was going to be any easier, those unhappy thoughts rise quickly to the surface, and you spend a lot of time dwelling on the anniversary to come...and the events that you're marking with that anniversary.

But the day wasn't too bad. We had the family and a couple of good friends drop in over the course of the day, as well as a few of Sam's friends. Always so nice to see them. We blew up orange balloons, wrote on the wall, and just enjoyed each other's company, and the good memories Sam left us. I won't say it gets better, but it is a little easier each time.

Then, three days later it was Christmas Day. Because my kitchen is almost finished, I decided that I wanted to do Christmas at my place. Oli helped me make some cool Gingerbread trees and shortbread, and we put together another awesome Lego tree:

This one even had lights inside!

We had a small group over: my family, Anthony's youngest brother James and foster sister Ange and her family. And despite the fact that I was preparing the meal, it was still a lovely, relaxing day.
Oliver was spoilt rotten (as usual!), including this amazing gift from his Granny and Grandad:

Lol.

All in all, a great day. I loved not having to race around the place (I always thought it was a bit crazy that we psych our kids up for all these gifts, then drag them away from them for most of the day!).

On Boxing Day I went shopping, as I always do, and bought myself a nice Kenwood mixer. And we looked at TVs, which got us thinking about renovating our lounge room. More about that next time...

Christmas

Christmas Eve was quite nice. Oliver was determined that he was going to go to bed nice and early so that he wouldn't be 'too tired to go to sleep'. We did the whole carrot and cookies thing and then he actually did a good job of falling asleep quickly. Oliver used to be a terrible sleeper (perhaps it's a good topic for another day), but for the last couple of years has mastered going to sleep and sleeping well.
I made shortbread (I do every year, using my great-grandmother's recipe) while Anthony tidied up and wrapped presents.
You might wonder why I mention this, but Anthony hasn't always been so....domestic....
I'll tell you about it some day; but while Anthony has always been a great provider and supportive partner, I have generally been the nurturing/housework/cooking partner. His attitude to this side of family life has changed lately, and it's lovely!


Pressies! Isn't that what Christmas is all about?? ;p
We actually made it to bed before midnight, which was nice, and as usual, I was up before Oliver! In the last 7 or so years,  neither of the kids have ever managed to get out of bed before me on Christmas Day. Which is OK, I love sitting in the lounge room and watching their reaction when they see all the pressies.
Of which there were quite a lot this year.
I can't help myself! I've mentioned before that I love giving people presents, and while I try every year to scale down my gift buying, I always manage to buy too many for the kids.

Part of the trouble is that I buy quite a few gifts earlier in the year. I like to be organised, and I'll usually order something through Chrisco and buy some cool things in sales during the year.
Then, of course I'll go shopping just before Christmas (just for a few stocking stuffers!) and see a whole lot of things that I know the kids (or Anthony) would love. So I buy those too! Before you know it, there's a great pile under the tree on Christmas morning.
Not that I'm too worried. Despite the fact that I'm really good at spending money, I spend it well, and never spend so much that we have to go without other things. I've never had a credit card, and I think that helps!
And Oliver doesn't mind either! I know it will probably come back to bite me on the bum one day when he's a spoiled, Dudley Dursley-type child (Last year you bought 37 presents! This year there's only 36!), but seeing his excited face just does it for me every time!
This is what our loungeroom looked like Christmas morning:

And yes, most of those presents are for Ollie!

And the 'other' Christmas duty?
We'd made a decision fairly early in December that we would go to Anthony's aunt and uncle's house for Christmas lunch, because there are always lots of people there and Oliver was keen to be around lots of people. When we got there, we found out that Oliver would be the only kid there, which kinda sucked, but it did mean he had the attention (sort of) of all his uncles and aunties.

So we knew it was going to be a busy day. In the past, we have just gone to see one side of the family, because I've always thought the running around was a little ridiculous. We give our kids all this cool stuff, then whip them out of the house for a good 6 hours - away from everything they've just unwrapped (then come back too exhausted to do anything!).
Since I'd always decided to do Christmas just for the kids, this always seemed a little weird, so one set of family it was...

Was. This Christmas Day, we went to see my parents on the way to Christmas lunch. It actually wasn't too bad, because we had a nice peaceful sit with mum and dad first. Usually I'd prefer to hang out with them, because it's fairly relaxed and quiet. Mum and Dad gave us (as well as some other awesome things) these wooden letters for our lounge room. I think they look quite nice!

 

This kind of Samuel-related present I don't mind. In fact, I think it's lovely. There were also a couple of other 'Samuel' presents: an Oxfam goat (in Sam's name) from Anthony's aunt and uncle, as well as a Goodberrys voucher for us from Anthony's brothers and sisters-in-law.
When people start to buy things for Sam (so far not too many, but a little disturbing when it does happen), that's when I start to get a little concerned. (I'll talk about this in another post though.)


It was a lovely lunch, where we all ate way too much (surprise surprise!), but there was some nice conversation and a relaxed time with some of my favourite people. So definitely worth it. In the evening, my best friend and her son came over, and we sat like zombies for a little while, before we all decided to pack it in.

So yes, a nice day all in all. But next year, I think I might stay home!

The C-word

Yes, I'm talking about Christmas (what did you think I was gonna say? This is a family blog!) ;p

Since I 'growed up', I've never been really big on Christmas. I think it all started when I was 15...

As you know, retailers like to start their Christmas celebrations early. And department stores are the worst offenders. Think about how annoying it is to see Christmas decorations going up in September and hearing Christmas carols everywhere you go (OK, I realise this isn't annoying for everyone, so bear with me!). Now imagine what it's like for the poor staff of those department stores, who don't get to pass through for 45 minutes or so, instead they endure the carols (and the festive air) for whole shifts. Sometimes marathon 15 hour shifts...

This was my life for those couple of Christmases. By the time I moved on to other jobs, I was pretty much cured of the festive spirit. And as you well know, last Christmas was just about the worst time of my whole life, so we don't have a lot of good to go on.


Me Me Me!
It also doesn't help that my birthday's a little over a week before Christmas. However I say this, it will sound selfish and petulant, but sharing your birthday with the 'festive season' sucks! There are the 'here's your birthday/Christmas present in one' moments (which thankfully don't happen too often as I have a wonderful family); the fact that your birthday gets forgotten in the rush of end-of term/Christmas shopping/party season; and that you never get a full house at your birthday parties because of all the Christmas dinners and other events that go on at that time of the year.
I can't help it, I like birthdays, especially mine. I like to make a fuss of those kinds of events. It could be a Sagittarius thing (if you read the profile, you may well recognise some of my personality traits!). I do like the attention...

And when Anthony and I hooked up, we weren't all that keen either. Both of us are atheists and it always seemed a little hypocritical to celebrate the birth of Christ. After all, we do live in a society which incorporates many religious perspectives (don't we?).


But...
Having said all that, we did make the decision early on that we wouldn't deprive our kids of Christmas. We didn't want them being the only one in the class who didn't get a present (a little less common when Sam was little); and I loved (love) buying them lots of presents.

And as the years have gone on, I've got a little better at getting into the spirit. I put lights up every year, and decorate the lounge room with the kids. I buy too many pressies for them and usually bake yummy shortbread for gifts. We put cookies and carrots out for santa and hang stockings up on Christmas Eve.

I don't do Christmas cards. I tried it a couple of times, but can either never get them out on time, don't send enough, or forget all together. Eventually I decided I wouldn't waste the paper (they just get chucked out anyway, don't they?) I do try to say a quick hello/happy Christmas to most people I know though.


The Tree
We've never been very traditional with our Christmas trees either. At first we had a little potted pine (like my parents have had for years), but we eventually grew out of them (or did they grow out of us?) We then moved to a potted grass tree that we dragged inside every Christmas and draped a very small amount of tinsel on. Our last one had lasted for a few years but died not long after Sam did...

So this year we've done something different. And I love it!
You all know about the Lego obsession that has taken hold in this house. I'm happy to report that Christmas has not escaped Lego's clutches. This is our Christmas tree this year (and probably from now on). I'm very proud of it (yes, I built most of it!).

We had a great time building it, and it really does look great. We're already making plans for next year's bigger and better on (we will happily accept all green brick donations!) , and we're planning on showing it off in Lego circles.


So take a deep breath...
Given the shaky start that Christmas and my adult life have had, I don't have high hopes for a season of careless abandon, but I will try, and I know everyone else will too. This one will be hard, almost as hard as the last one, and they will probably never get any easier, but we'll give it our best shot. Oliver deserves it. And I guess we probably do too.

Happy Festive Season, lovely readers.

The last good times

I'm planning on writing about Sam's funeral a bit later, so I thought I might do some remembering first.
One thing Anthony and I are both worried about is forgetting. We both have memory issues - some dope smoking back in the day probably hasn't helped - and unless I get it all down, I'm afraid it will disappear forever. At the moment what I most want to hear is Samuel's laugh, because I've forgotten what it sounds like. Unfortunately I probably won't again. We're lucky that we have his voice mail message (five words - "It's Sam, I'll call you back"), and a couple of answering machine messages from his Nanna's phone. So at least I'll never forget what his voice sounds like.

There were two nice occasions in the week leading up to Samuel's death that I'm going to put down. A good way to remember them, or remind myself of them in the future.

My Birthday
On the 16th of December, just 6 days before Sam died, I turned 36. I wasn't all that excited about it, to tell you the truth; I've never really relished the prospect of getting older. But it started the way most of my birthdays do - me up first (I don't really mind, I like the peaceful early morning).
The boys got up, bleary-eyed (Samuel especially was never much good at mornings), and presented me with some CDs and a card:

Samuel was always great with cards. He made them for everyone (well, family anyway). When we were going to a birthday celebration, Samuel would make a nice card.
I've laminated this one for obvious reasons, but I do have a few others. He had done it very discreetly, and got Ollie to sign it. I don't know when, as I was there the whole time (perhaps when I was at work the previous day? Who knows). Anyway, it was very nice.
I went off to work and got a bit spoiled: we had a swimming day with the whole school so I got to go swimming (the day itself was a bit crazy, but better than being stuck in a hot classroom with cranky kids who have had enough of school). A girl in my class even made cupcakes for me and the whole class. What a sweetie!
In the evening, the boys and I went to the Hellenic Club for dinner. Oliver was pretty happy as Santa was sitting in the foyer giving out lolly bags, and he got to play in the games room. Anthony was in and out of there, so it gave Sam and I a good chance to talk. We talked about mobile phones, and he told me about the one he was planning to buy after his birthday (when his current contract ran out and he had some money), music (how we both would have liked to have gone to the Faith No More concert, but were looking forward to Them Crooked Vultures, and a bit about school. The next day they were going to Big Splash for the day.
Samuel ordered flathead, which surprised me, because he usually went for a t-bone at restaurants. He didn't enjoy it very much, it was a bit dry and full of bones (like flathead always is). Samuel had only developed a taste for fish in the last few years, mainly due to his friend Ryan. He had gone fishing with him a few times, and had stayed with Ryan's family at their beach house, and loved going out on the boat with them. Of course, they ate a fair bit of (freshly caught) fish, so he was able to taste it at its best). Now that I think of it, I think that was where he had his first t-bone too!
We were too full for dessert, so we picked up a frozen cheesecake and went home. The boys sang happy birthday and we made pigs of ourselves. All in all, it was a nice evening.

Christmas Drinks
On Saturday the 20th, we went for drinks at Phill (Anthony's brother) and Laura (his partner)'s place. I took the boys over around 7.30pm as Anthony had crashed out on the lounge. There weren't many people there, but a nice atmosphere. Oliver found some other kids to talk to and ended up watching a movie, so Samuel was able to join in with the 'adult' conversation. He hooked into the sweet chilli philly, so much so that I think he felt guilty, and asked me to grab some from the fridge when I went home to pick up Anthony. Of course I got two other text messages from him on the way over there (don't forget my good Apple headphones, don't forget a jumper), he was an accomplished texter (a memory for another day I guess).
We sat around talking, he fiddled with his iPod (one earplug in, one out), and showed me the solitaire game on there. Of course I hijacked the thing until I was able to win the game. He was showing me some of the functions and the album art (he had spent hours the previous weekend downloading heaps of it) and still munching on sweet chilli philly.
A bit later on, James (Anthony's brother) arrived, a little drunk. He was entertaining us with funny stories about a girl he'd been seeing and some of the things that had maybe not gone so well (I remember telling Samuel not to take relationship advice from James, much to his horror). Phill offered James some tequila and he jokingly tried to get Sam to have some. Sam politely declined (might have had something to do with me sitting there saying NO WAY!), but he was such a good, sensible boy, I don't think he would have.
Not long after that, we went home. The boys decided to watch a movie, I think it was 'Zombieland'. I went to sleep hearing Sam (and Anthony) laughing. If I'd known it was going to be the last time I heard that, I would have stayed up...

I can't think of a title for this one

Healing?
Because Samuel died suddenly, unexpectedly, there were a lot of things left undone. And because it was the first week of the school holidays; the week before Christmas, there were a lot of things that involved Samuel.

So instead of having a little bit of time to think about how we would deal with these issues as they came up, there were several to deal with, one on top of the other. And we had to decide - quickly - whether to go ahead or not.

Christmas
Christmas Day was just three short days after we lost Sam. The natural instinct was to curl up in a ball and shut out the world, but we had Oliver to think about. To a six year old, Christmas is everything, the biggest event of their year. We couldn't take that away from him, he'd just lost his brother.
So we decided we'd try to keep it as 'normal' as we possibly could. As many of my friends already know, I'm not a big fan of Christmas at the best of times. So needless to say, I found it very difficult to muster any enthusiasm for the day.
But we did it anyway. As I mentioned in another post, Oliver was over-the-top in his enthusiasm, and seemed to enjoy himself. My wonderful parents brought the whole lunch shebang with them, and we had a few visitors throughout the day, so we stumbled through and it was OK.

New Year's Eve
Normally the week between Christmas and New Year is fairly quiet. Unfortunately we had to hold a funeral in that time. (Some time I would love to share my memories and thoughts about that day, but not today).
Our New Year celebrations in the last few years have been a bit quiet. We had a party a few years ago that no one turned up to (yes I know, lesson learned) and since then have just spent it at home with a good friend or two. In the last couple of years, Samuel had invited a friend or two over, which was nice: too young to drink, but old enough to have good, clean, independent fun.
This year, we decided to revisit a New Year celebration from a long time ago. One that was accompanied by good memories.
When I was pregnant with Sam, Anthony and I went with Sally down to the river. We had a lovely evening talking and watching the storms (I can't remember much else - it was 14 years ago and the intervening years have been quite eventful).
So on New Year's Eve 2009, we packed Oliver and the dogs up in the car and went down there again. Sally and Jack came with us, and we got our feet wet. I won't say it was lots of fun. But it was nice.

Merimbula
Last year, we had a great holiday at a very nice resort park in beautiful Merimbula. The boys and I camped there for a week, and Anthony joined us for a couple of nights (he had just started a new job and couldn't get the time off).

Sam and Ollie on the beach at Merimbula in January 2009

We liked it so much we booked again. It was paid for before summer even started, we were that keen! Samuel loved it there (we had stayed in Merimbula a few other times before that trip). He was a real water baby, and loved the beach.
So when mid January rolled around this year, we had to make the decision: go and have the holiday or cancel it and stay here?
Well we did go. We talked about the pros and cons, and decided that:

1. Sam would not approve of us not going;
2. If we didn't go on this one, we probably wouldn't go the next time;
3. It would be good to get away.

We also decided that we wanted something a bit more comfortable than a tent (and easier to pack up if it all got too much). Luckily we have some wonderful people in our lives, and my parent's neighbours Brian and Keryn (who I've known since I was 12) loaned us their camper trailer. This was a big deal as those things are NOT cheap!
But it did make a difference, we were very comfortable. I think we probably would have left early if we were in a tent. We loved it so much, we are planning on buying one (just gotta save the $18000-odd bucks we need!)

It was hard, especially in the evenings where there wasn't much to do except sit and talk or reflect. There were a few tears (actually there were a lot), but it was also a good chance for us to talk about the good memories we had of Sam. Not having 'regular life' going on around us, not having the TV or the Playstation going all the time, not worrying about work or the weeds in the garden or the pets, just sitting, talking under the beautiful starlit sky.

During the days we kept busy.

We spent a lot of time at the beach or in the pool, and just did things together. We must have collected about a million seashells, as you can see in Oliver's bulging shirt:It would have been better if Sam was there too, but it was still nice. A good way to bring out the smiles...


 Them Crooked Vultures
Another thing that I was looking forward to was going to a concert with Sam. It was going to be his first, but James pipped me to the post when he took Sam to Green Day. Not that I mind, in fact I'm very grateful that he did.
As many of you know, I'm a big Foo Fighters fan, more particularly Dave Grohl, who I think is a very talented musician (and very nice looking too). I also have loved Led Zeppelin for a long time, but was a little young when they toured Australia (actually, I think their last tour was 1972, so I wasn't actually born yet, but I have heard rumours that they are reforming and will tour again!)

As I have talked about before, Samuel and I share a musical bond, and thankfully he liked both of these bands as well. So when I heard that Dave Grohl, John Paul Jones (bass player from Led Zeppelin) and Josh Homme (singer/songwriter most famous for his band Queens of the Stone Age) were forming a band, I was excited.
Anthony, who has been my faithful companion at many concerts and festivals over the years, was not interested in seeing Them Crooked Vultures, but it was too great an opportunity to pass up, so I decided to buy tickets. This was before this band had even released one song mind you; I was basing my judgement on the talents of the other three bands. Samuel said "I'll go, mum", and I thought: what a great idea! So I bought him a ticket.
In the mean time, they released an album, and we both liked it (thankfully) and we were looking forward to going.

So as the gig approached I had to decide (again) whether it would be better to go or stay behind. In the end I decided once again that Samuel would be pretty peeved if I didn't, so I asked James to join me.

We had a good trip together. There are 12 years between James and I, which he never fails to highlight. "It'll be like going to concert with my mum" was one lovely comment. But we did have a good time, and I think I had convinced him by the end of the night that I was cooler than he thought. Mind you, when I was happy to wait 1.5 hours to catch a glimpse of Dave and the others at the stage door, in the hope that I would get to say hi, maybe tell him about Sam (only to have them jump straight into a waiting car and take off without so much as a "Hi"), he may have suspected I have a creepy side. (Wait until I tell you about the emails I wrote to Sam's favourite musicians - I suggest you reserve judgement on my sanity until then, dear reader!)

But it was a great gig. I haven't been to a small gig for a while, and managed a great spot at the front (and off to the side) where I could see Dave play the drums and hear the awesome music too.
There were a couple of teary moments: when the support act finished and the lights came up, I saw all the excited people and thought about how much Sam would have enjoyed the experience. I cried a bit then (James was in the toilet and came back saying "I can't leave you alone for a minute", but was very nice and gave me a hug), and then during Sam's favourite songs "Scumbag Blues" and "Bandoliers" (well they were getting the most playtime on his iPod), I shed tears.

I had made us special t-shirts, with a picture of Sam on the front. I felt very proud wearing it. I had hoped that I would be able to get it signed, but have to make do with a patch I bought. The shirt will be coming with me to every concert now. I'd hoped to take my camera in to document the night, but 'The Band" wouldn't allow cameras. Cameras on phones ok, but not cameras. Oh well.


And maybe the hardest one?
The day Sam died, he and my mum and I were going to go and see "Masterpieces From Paris", an exhibition at the National Gallery of Australia. I had always wanted to see 'Starry Night' up close (it, and the other, more famous 'Starry Night' painting are among my favourite Van Goghs), and was pretty excited about it being in Canberra. I was surprised when Sam wanted to come.
Well we didn't go that day, and for a long time I didn't know if I could. But mum and I went yesterday, and I'm glad I did. It was hard (and they always are), but I'm glad.

It's funny, we've said that for all of these events: it was hard but I'm glad I did. I guess that's what the healing is all about.