I've had a week or so of really missing Sam. Not constant melancholy or anything like that, but strong feelings of loss.
It started with the usual stuff - last Saturday we watched the broadcast of the Foo Fighters gig, which brought back those feelings of 'wish you'd been there'. Then on Sunday night we went over to my brother-in-law James' house to watch the DVD of the Green Day tour that he and Sam went to, just before Sam died.
Even though the DVD was shot in Tokyo, it still gave me a really good sense of what it must have been like, and I know that Sam would have loved it. It was his first major concert, one of his favourite bands, and it was a pretty awesome show from what I can see: lots of great songs, a real presence on stage, fire and special effects, sing alongs - everything you want from a good concert experience.
As I said a while back, his main reaction was 'it was good, yeah', but I know it was a lot more exciting to him than he made out. Despite getting home from Sydney quite late, he still went to school the next day to tell everyone about it!
The concert DVD ended with 'Time of Your Life', which as you know was played while Sam's coffin was lowered at his funeral. So it was a bit of a sad moment for all of us.
Despite a busy week, there have been lots of little moments when Samuel was right at the front of my mind. I'm also seeing lots of comments from his friends about learning how to drive, which starts that ache again. I hate all these reminders that Sam won't get to do those things. Not that I begrudge his friends, it just hurts.
Then, on Saturday night, we watched the movie 'Tangled', which (of all things) set me off. As you probably know, it's an animated Disney movie about Rapunzel, so not they type you'd usually associate with grief. But there's a scene towards the end where the town sends a big bunch of lanterns up into the sky, an annual thing that marks the birthday of the lost princess (i.e. Rapunzel). For some reason, all I could think of was Sam, and the tears just flowed.
I've mentioned before that I've found this second year harder than the first. That's not to say that I am spiraling into misery or anything like that - I'm definitely in the 'testing - acceptance' stages of grief - but I am experiencing many more of the feelings now, that I expected, but didn't feel in the early days.
My best friend Sally and I were talking about it yesterday, and we decided that during the first year, we were so busy getting used to things, and going through 'firsts': the first Christmas, first birthday, first Mother's Day etc; that we didn't have time to think of the permanence of this. Not as much as we do now, anyway.
It is permanent. I'll never see him again. That's hard.
Don't worry about me; there are plenty of things to make me happy, and to keep me going. But it's important that I still document these things. Because I do miss him. So much.
Showing posts with label Green Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Green Day. Show all posts
Monday, April 11, 2011
Friday, February 19, 2010
Celebrating Sam's Life. Part 2
This is the second post about the day we said goodbye to Sam (the first is here). It may be upsetting to some people. But I've gotta do it. I want to remember it. Don't read it if you will get upset.
When we went into the chapel to sit down, I noticed just how many people were there. All the seats were filled, and so was the foyer, and there were also people standing outside the foyer and in the courtyard to the side. I can't explain but it made me feel good to know that Samuel was so well thought of. We'd assumed there would be a few people there, but it was also 4 days after Christmas, so we knew that many people wouldn't be able to come.
Teenagers shouldn't have to go to a funeral
I was really pleased to see so many of Samuel's friends and school mates there. I know it must have been very hard for them, but we had really wanted them there. We deliberately included certain parts of the service to make them feel more comfortable. Right from the start we were so aware of the impact Sam's death would have on them. We were of course devastated, but to a teenager, your friends are your life. To have one suddenly die with no explanation must be such a blow. When you're a teenager you're supposed to be invincible!
As we sat down, 21 Guns by Green Day came on. We hadn't planned it at all, it was pure coincidence. This was a song that Sam loved, and it brought almost everyone to tears before the service had even begun.
John stood up and began his introductions. Then Anthony and I stood up to read the eulogy. I hadn't known until about 1 minute before I stood up that I would actually be able to. But I was surprised that we actually managed to get through it without breaking down.
Then my Dad spoke, giving all the thanks to everyone (I can never repay some people for what they did for me, especially on that day, but I did want to thank them publicly). He spoke very well too (I don't know where we found the strength!)
Then Anthony's brothers got up. James shared his memory of the concert trip, and reminded us of Samuel's love of a good steak, Tim talked about tickling Sam so much that he vomited (well, Sam did try to warn him), Phillip talked about their trip to the zoo where Sam got to feed the tiger and then 'tamed' the llama. There was apparently a llama at the zoo that would never come anywhere near people, but he walked up to Sam and ate out of his hand. Sam got his Dr Dolittle-ishness from Anthony I think. He always loved animals and was very gentle. I'm not really all that surprised about the llama.
Christopher got up and tapped the microphone. "I've always wanted to do that" he said, and everyone cracked up, which was nice. He then read "Do not stand at my grave and weep" (beautifully I might add). He then decided to go off on a bit of a tangent about space travel and such, but because we're all used to that, we were able to head him off without too much trouble (Christopher has autism and occasionally doesn't realise when it's time to stop talking).
Then they played the slideshow. I'd put together a slideshow of photos of Sam (many of them I have put up here). It was set to three songs:
One evening - I think it was some time around Christmas, I can't remember - Anthony, Oliver and I went for a drive in the jeep; out the back of Tharwa where Anthony used to take the boys (and me sometimes) driving. We listened to a CD James had made for us, and thought about which songs would go well. The Green Day and Blink 182 songs were on there. I had always found the Foo Fighters one very poignant (I think I'd even like it played at my funeral), and as I've mentioned before, Samuel, Anthony and I (and even Ollie a little) shared a love of the Foo Fighters.
As you can imagine, after the slideshow there wasn't a dry eye in the house, so Lorraine (nanna) did pretty well to get up and talk. She passed on a message from Jonathon (Anthony's son from a previous relationship) and then passed back to John. While they were speaking (John read a message from Jake, Samuel's best friend), the big group of teenagers (Sam's friends and school mates) filed past the coffin and wrote lots of lovely messages on it. It was such a nice moment. A few of our other family and friends came up and wrote messages too.
Then John gave the committal and the coffin was lowered while they played the song 'Time of your life" by Green Day. This song was one of Sam's favourites anyway, and it kind of fit the day. We were also pretty blown away when we found the chords for it (and nothing else) in a folder in Sam's guitar case. I'd heard him playing "Fire Water Burn" by the Bloodhound Gang on the guitar, but not Green Day. I think we made a good choice. Some of the kids were writing "hope you had the time of your life" on the coffin, and they have been on the mural too.
After that we went outside and it was just like before the service. Lots of people, lots of hugs, lots of tears. It was nice but I was tired and shell-shocked and just wanted to stop. So when everyone had sort of filtered off, we went down to the wake. There were a few people there, and I was pleased to see a few of Sam's friends. They were very nice and made my cousin Sarah (who was almost exactly one year older than Sam) feel welcome.
It was only when I got to the wake that I felt myself relax. I had a beer (the first in a week - believe me, I hadn't felt like drinking at all up until then!), chatted to people, at some point had something to eat, and had a few more drinks. We had Sam's music and there was a really good vibe (well, as good as it could be). We shared stories about Sam and drank (and even laughed a little) and I felt a little bit of the tension ebb away.
They say the hardest part is the days leading up to the funeral (the business end, as a dear friend called it). I think they're right. I certainly felt a little better when it was all done. And I was even able to sleep a little that night (just a little).
When we went into the chapel to sit down, I noticed just how many people were there. All the seats were filled, and so was the foyer, and there were also people standing outside the foyer and in the courtyard to the side. I can't explain but it made me feel good to know that Samuel was so well thought of. We'd assumed there would be a few people there, but it was also 4 days after Christmas, so we knew that many people wouldn't be able to come.
Teenagers shouldn't have to go to a funeral
I was really pleased to see so many of Samuel's friends and school mates there. I know it must have been very hard for them, but we had really wanted them there. We deliberately included certain parts of the service to make them feel more comfortable. Right from the start we were so aware of the impact Sam's death would have on them. We were of course devastated, but to a teenager, your friends are your life. To have one suddenly die with no explanation must be such a blow. When you're a teenager you're supposed to be invincible!
As we sat down, 21 Guns by Green Day came on. We hadn't planned it at all, it was pure coincidence. This was a song that Sam loved, and it brought almost everyone to tears before the service had even begun.
John stood up and began his introductions. Then Anthony and I stood up to read the eulogy. I hadn't known until about 1 minute before I stood up that I would actually be able to. But I was surprised that we actually managed to get through it without breaking down.
Then my Dad spoke, giving all the thanks to everyone (I can never repay some people for what they did for me, especially on that day, but I did want to thank them publicly). He spoke very well too (I don't know where we found the strength!)
Then Anthony's brothers got up. James shared his memory of the concert trip, and reminded us of Samuel's love of a good steak, Tim talked about tickling Sam so much that he vomited (well, Sam did try to warn him), Phillip talked about their trip to the zoo where Sam got to feed the tiger and then 'tamed' the llama. There was apparently a llama at the zoo that would never come anywhere near people, but he walked up to Sam and ate out of his hand. Sam got his Dr Dolittle-ishness from Anthony I think. He always loved animals and was very gentle. I'm not really all that surprised about the llama.
Christopher got up and tapped the microphone. "I've always wanted to do that" he said, and everyone cracked up, which was nice. He then read "Do not stand at my grave and weep" (beautifully I might add). He then decided to go off on a bit of a tangent about space travel and such, but because we're all used to that, we were able to head him off without too much trouble (Christopher has autism and occasionally doesn't realise when it's time to stop talking).
Then they played the slideshow. I'd put together a slideshow of photos of Sam (many of them I have put up here). It was set to three songs:
- Last night on Earth - Green Day
- I miss you - Blink 182
- Home - Foo Fighters
One evening - I think it was some time around Christmas, I can't remember - Anthony, Oliver and I went for a drive in the jeep; out the back of Tharwa where Anthony used to take the boys (and me sometimes) driving. We listened to a CD James had made for us, and thought about which songs would go well. The Green Day and Blink 182 songs were on there. I had always found the Foo Fighters one very poignant (I think I'd even like it played at my funeral), and as I've mentioned before, Samuel, Anthony and I (and even Ollie a little) shared a love of the Foo Fighters.
As you can imagine, after the slideshow there wasn't a dry eye in the house, so Lorraine (nanna) did pretty well to get up and talk. She passed on a message from Jonathon (Anthony's son from a previous relationship) and then passed back to John. While they were speaking (John read a message from Jake, Samuel's best friend), the big group of teenagers (Sam's friends and school mates) filed past the coffin and wrote lots of lovely messages on it. It was such a nice moment. A few of our other family and friends came up and wrote messages too.
Then John gave the committal and the coffin was lowered while they played the song 'Time of your life" by Green Day. This song was one of Sam's favourites anyway, and it kind of fit the day. We were also pretty blown away when we found the chords for it (and nothing else) in a folder in Sam's guitar case. I'd heard him playing "Fire Water Burn" by the Bloodhound Gang on the guitar, but not Green Day. I think we made a good choice. Some of the kids were writing "hope you had the time of your life" on the coffin, and they have been on the mural too.
After that we went outside and it was just like before the service. Lots of people, lots of hugs, lots of tears. It was nice but I was tired and shell-shocked and just wanted to stop. So when everyone had sort of filtered off, we went down to the wake. There were a few people there, and I was pleased to see a few of Sam's friends. They were very nice and made my cousin Sarah (who was almost exactly one year older than Sam) feel welcome.
It was only when I got to the wake that I felt myself relax. I had a beer (the first in a week - believe me, I hadn't felt like drinking at all up until then!), chatted to people, at some point had something to eat, and had a few more drinks. We had Sam's music and there was a really good vibe (well, as good as it could be). We shared stories about Sam and drank (and even laughed a little) and I felt a little bit of the tension ebb away.
They say the hardest part is the days leading up to the funeral (the business end, as a dear friend called it). I think they're right. I certainly felt a little better when it was all done. And I was even able to sleep a little that night (just a little).
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Wow!
My email's been playing up lately, and I haven't been able to access all of them.
So when I finally got it sorted out today I had a heap of unread messages.
Among the messages was a lovely email from Chris Cheney. For those of you who don't know, Chris is the lead singer, songwriter and guitarist for Australian band, The Living End.
As I have said before, The Living End was Samuel's favourite band. He had all their albums and DVDs, and knew a lot about them. I was hoping to take him to see them live one day. I've seen them a couple of times and they put on a great show.
Anyway, a while back, I sent an email to the management of The Living End, as well as Green Day and Foo Fighters. This is what I wrote:
It would have been nice to get a response of any kind, but realistically these are big stars.
So imagine my surprise to find an email from Chris. I'm not going to share it just yet, but it was lovely, personal and heartfelt.
So thank you Chris Cheney, I've always liked your band, but I now have lots of respect for you as a great person as well.
So when I finally got it sorted out today I had a heap of unread messages.
Among the messages was a lovely email from Chris Cheney. For those of you who don't know, Chris is the lead singer, songwriter and guitarist for Australian band, The Living End.
As I have said before, The Living End was Samuel's favourite band. He had all their albums and DVDs, and knew a lot about them. I was hoping to take him to see them live one day. I've seen them a couple of times and they put on a great show.
Anyway, a while back, I sent an email to the management of The Living End, as well as Green Day and Foo Fighters. This is what I wrote:
It would have been nice to get a response of any kind, but realistically these are big stars.
So imagine my surprise to find an email from Chris. I'm not going to share it just yet, but it was lovely, personal and heartfelt.
So thank you Chris Cheney, I've always liked your band, but I now have lots of respect for you as a great person as well.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Thank you for the music
Not that Samuel would touch Abba with the proverbial barge pole...
No, Samuel had pretty good taste in music. It's a weird thing for a parent to be proud of, but there it is. And it's the subject of today's post.
Sam and I had a lot of things in common. But the thing that we shared the most was a love of music.
Sam started life like any other 'normal' little kid. He loved the Wiggles (I still remember taking him to see them when he was about 3. It was in this little hall in Queanbeyan and it cost about $8), Hi-5 (in their original form) and dancing at discos. They used to have this awesome kid's disco on every Sunday afternoon at the Lanyon Valley Club and he loved it! He'd be up there on the dance floor, having a great time, winning prizes, you know, disco stuff. I know, I know, you're saying "that's not the Sam I know", but I swear it's true. Once he hit about 5 he somehow got the message that this kind of behaviour was terribly uncool, and that was the end of it, but it was nice to see while it lasted.
But there were still some daggy moments
Mind you, this coolness epiphany was not final. At various times throughout his early years, Samuel developed a taste for: The BeeGees (particularly their 1997 hit 'Alone'), Hanson (yes, Mmmm Bop) and even **Cringe** the Hampton and the Hampsters.
Again dad, again!
When he was quite small, Sam developed a passion for the opening credits of "The Drew Carey Show". For a while he was content with seeing it each week, but after a while he'd ask for it specifically. So one week we taped it. Possibly a mistake, from then on he would often watch it over and over again. I think the tape (yes my young y and z genners, video tape) wore out before he did!
But things did improve!
Those of you who know me know that I am a big fan of music. Generally the louder the better. Anthony is pretty much the same. From very early on we used to play our music quite loud, especially on housework mornings or at parties. For a while we were a bit worried, as Samuel would often say 'it's too loud'. This coupled with his love for the above-mentioned daggies was - as you can imagine - cause for some concern.
We started to see signs of a more positive change when Samuel was about 4. About the time that The Offspring released 'Conspiracy of One', Samuel he decided he liked them. I was pretty happy, because I had a few of their albums. Thus began Samuel's education (under my expert tutelage of course!)
A little bit later, I played Samuel a Public Enemy song (the only one I had at the time) He really liked them and bought a couple of their albums. This time he was teaching me. When he was about 7 he really got into Outkast (before Andre 3000 decided there was more money to be had in the acting game), and a little bit later, the Black Eyed Peas (around the time they released Monkey Business). Again, I was a little concerned, as he didn't seem all that interested in 'my music' at that time. But I needn't have worried.
I found this song on iTunes...
When Sam started year 6, I gave him my old computer. I had left all my music on there, but didn't really think he'd get into it. For a while he didn't, his friends were a big influence then, particularly in year six, and he got into bands like Fall Out Boy.
The first band he discovered in my old iTunes was The Living End. They have been his favourite band pretty much since then. I will talk about them another time.
After that, he'd come up to me every few days and say "I've found this song/band on iTunes that I really like", and we'd talk about the music. He'd tell me which songs he liked, I'd suggest more to listen to. They were some great conversations, and one of the things I'll miss the most (Woah, here come some tears).
The favourites?
By the time Sam died, he had a firm list of favourite bands. Led Zeppelin, Foo Fighters (those of you who are aware of my -slightly unhealthy- Dave Grohl obsession will know how proud that one made me!), Faith No More, Ben Folds and Powderfinger were ones he shared with me (among others), but there were also ones he went out and found on his own: Green Day (his other favourite), Metallica, Tenacious D, Rage Against the Machine, Wolfmother and Korn.
And a proud moment for me?
Samuel came home from school one day and told me his music teacher had said he had great taste in music. He said when she asked why he thought that was, he had said 'it's because of my mum'.
No, Samuel had pretty good taste in music. It's a weird thing for a parent to be proud of, but there it is. And it's the subject of today's post.
Sam and I had a lot of things in common. But the thing that we shared the most was a love of music.
Sam started life like any other 'normal' little kid. He loved the Wiggles (I still remember taking him to see them when he was about 3. It was in this little hall in Queanbeyan and it cost about $8), Hi-5 (in their original form) and dancing at discos. They used to have this awesome kid's disco on every Sunday afternoon at the Lanyon Valley Club and he loved it! He'd be up there on the dance floor, having a great time, winning prizes, you know, disco stuff. I know, I know, you're saying "that's not the Sam I know", but I swear it's true. Once he hit about 5 he somehow got the message that this kind of behaviour was terribly uncool, and that was the end of it, but it was nice to see while it lasted.
But there were still some daggy moments
Mind you, this coolness epiphany was not final. At various times throughout his early years, Samuel developed a taste for: The BeeGees (particularly their 1997 hit 'Alone'), Hanson (yes, Mmmm Bop) and even **Cringe** the Hampton and the Hampsters.
Again dad, again!
When he was quite small, Sam developed a passion for the opening credits of "The Drew Carey Show". For a while he was content with seeing it each week, but after a while he'd ask for it specifically. So one week we taped it. Possibly a mistake, from then on he would often watch it over and over again. I think the tape (yes my young y and z genners, video tape) wore out before he did!
But things did improve!
Those of you who know me know that I am a big fan of music. Generally the louder the better. Anthony is pretty much the same. From very early on we used to play our music quite loud, especially on housework mornings or at parties. For a while we were a bit worried, as Samuel would often say 'it's too loud'. This coupled with his love for the above-mentioned daggies was - as you can imagine - cause for some concern.
We started to see signs of a more positive change when Samuel was about 4. About the time that The Offspring released 'Conspiracy of One', Samuel he decided he liked them. I was pretty happy, because I had a few of their albums. Thus began Samuel's education (under my expert tutelage of course!)
A little bit later, I played Samuel a Public Enemy song (the only one I had at the time) He really liked them and bought a couple of their albums. This time he was teaching me. When he was about 7 he really got into Outkast (before Andre 3000 decided there was more money to be had in the acting game), and a little bit later, the Black Eyed Peas (around the time they released Monkey Business). Again, I was a little concerned, as he didn't seem all that interested in 'my music' at that time. But I needn't have worried.
I found this song on iTunes...
When Sam started year 6, I gave him my old computer. I had left all my music on there, but didn't really think he'd get into it. For a while he didn't, his friends were a big influence then, particularly in year six, and he got into bands like Fall Out Boy.
The first band he discovered in my old iTunes was The Living End. They have been his favourite band pretty much since then. I will talk about them another time.
After that, he'd come up to me every few days and say "I've found this song/band on iTunes that I really like", and we'd talk about the music. He'd tell me which songs he liked, I'd suggest more to listen to. They were some great conversations, and one of the things I'll miss the most (Woah, here come some tears).
The favourites?
By the time Sam died, he had a firm list of favourite bands. Led Zeppelin, Foo Fighters (those of you who are aware of my -slightly unhealthy- Dave Grohl obsession will know how proud that one made me!), Faith No More, Ben Folds and Powderfinger were ones he shared with me (among others), but there were also ones he went out and found on his own: Green Day (his other favourite), Metallica, Tenacious D, Rage Against the Machine, Wolfmother and Korn.
And a proud moment for me?
Samuel came home from school one day and told me his music teacher had said he had great taste in music. He said when she asked why he thought that was, he had said 'it's because of my mum'.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Good yeah?
I guess you're wondering what it means, why it's the title of my blog.
Well, it's simple. Samuel, like any other normal teenager, took great pains to subvert the beautiful (yet over complicated) English language. While not quite as monosyllabic as the stereotypical teenaged boy; unless he was waxing on a subject he was passionate about, he was a man of few words.
An expression he adopted that was at times delightful, and at others a severe hindrance to conversation, was "Good, yeah." Whether the question was "How are you?" or "What did you think of the movie?", his standard response was "Good, yeah."
The king of understatement?
The most classic example that I can think of was relayed to me by James, my brother-in-law and Samuel's youngest uncle. James had ended up with a spare ticket to the Green Day concert in Sydney. He had kindly offered to take Sam. It was his first concert, and from what I hear, it was a pretty amazing one - light show, cannons firing tour shirts, audience participation, all the things that make a great stadium show - and a great way to introduce a music loving teenager to live music. James said that Sam didn't sit down for the whole show, and was obviously rapt in the whole thing.
Afterwards, James asked what Samuel had thought of the show. Sam's response?
"It was good, yeah."
Well, it's simple. Samuel, like any other normal teenager, took great pains to subvert the beautiful (yet over complicated) English language. While not quite as monosyllabic as the stereotypical teenaged boy; unless he was waxing on a subject he was passionate about, he was a man of few words.
An expression he adopted that was at times delightful, and at others a severe hindrance to conversation, was "Good, yeah." Whether the question was "How are you?" or "What did you think of the movie?", his standard response was "Good, yeah."
The king of understatement?
The most classic example that I can think of was relayed to me by James, my brother-in-law and Samuel's youngest uncle. James had ended up with a spare ticket to the Green Day concert in Sydney. He had kindly offered to take Sam. It was his first concert, and from what I hear, it was a pretty amazing one - light show, cannons firing tour shirts, audience participation, all the things that make a great stadium show - and a great way to introduce a music loving teenager to live music. James said that Sam didn't sit down for the whole show, and was obviously rapt in the whole thing.
Afterwards, James asked what Samuel had thought of the show. Sam's response?
"It was good, yeah."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)