365 Grateful - 5 & 6

Day 5 - January 5 2014

Date Night!

One of the reasons (I think) that Anthony and I have lasted together so long (apart from pure stubbornness!) is that we regularly take time out to do something together. Concerts, movies, dinner. Time with just the two of us...

Last night we went out for dinner at one of our favourite restaurants, The London. We ate outside (another thing to be grateful for - summer evenings!) and watched the silly Summernats folk wander around, all sunburnt and loud.

Then we went to the Dendy Premium Lounge to watch The Hobbit - Desolation of Smaug. It was our first time in the premium lounge and it was certainly a different way to watch a movie. The seats were very comfy, and I loved being able to have a beer and have a choc-top delivered halfway through, but it was also too comfortable, and because we were out past my bedtime, I found myself nodding off, like I would if I had been watching it at home.

It's also really expensive! Both the tickets and the food! Still, it was a nice experience (courtesy of a lovely friend that gave me the tickets for my birthday), and the movie wasn't too bad (I have to reserve judgement until I've seen it again fully awake!). So I'm grateful for that!

Mmmmm...Blueberries!

I'm grateful for berries. The sweet you can have when you really shouldn't be having sweets! I picked these today in my garden and I'm looking forward to enjoying them! As I've posted before, we love growing food and there's nothing like eating something out of your own garden. Berries are my favourite and they're so easy to grow! I'm grateful for berries today!

Happy Anniversary!

This is us in the photo booth at my friend's wedding in October.

On Saturday, Anthony and I 'celebrated' 17 years together.
When I say celebrated, Anthony spent the day working outside and I spent the day marking. Oliver sat neglected in his bedroom, alone and forlorn...(actually, he had a friend over and spent the day shooting things with Nerf guns). We did manage a movie on the couch in the evening though. And Anthony bought me a lovely bunch of flowers:

He picked these because they were purple. Sweetie.

Those of you that know Anthony will know that buying flowers isn't something he'd normally do. Not because he's stingy, he's just never been a romantic fellow. Until now. He can still surprise me.

And I guess that's one of the things that will keep us together. The fact that we can still surprise each other.

So many people take the easy way out in relationships. When things get tough, they get away as quick as they can. Things have been pretty tough for us. Not just the Sam thing - we've had other serious downs along with our ups.
But through it all we've stuck together. At first perhaps it was stubbornness. We jumped in so fast, so young (I've told you before about how we got together, bogan style), we would have been admitting weakness to let it fold, and honestly, who wants to hear the "I told you so"s?

In the early years, we had some rip-snorting fights. I remember once Anthony walked out on an argument and I was so angry I threw the closest thing at him. It just happened to be a wire cooling rack. It sailed straight through the (closed) window, leaving a drafty reminder of my temper for days.

We don't fight so much any more. We've learned to communicate better, and we've realised that you just can't change a person.

Mind you, they can change themselves, as the flowers demonstrate. We've both changed over 17 years, and I think it's made us better.

So, what's the secret to staying together? Don't give up. It's easy to think that there's something better out there, but from what I see in other people, there usually isn't. Talk, share, laugh, have your own space and let them have theirs, and do things together. Whether it's big fancy holidays or a night on the couch with a bowl of popcorn.

Sometimes I think it would be cool to be single - to go and explore the world, but then I remember I'm pretty happy where I am. With my best buddy.

Happy 17 years honey.

What a Bunch of Softies!

I don't think any of the boys in my household would ever be described as 'tough guys'. Oh, Anthony puts on a bit of a gruff show, but he's a big-hearted old thing. Just like my little boys.

Among many things. The three of them also have something else in common. PD.

PD is (obviously) a teddy bear. He hasn't always looked like that, but he has ever since I've known him. He was Anthony's when he was a little boy (sadly, I don't have a picture), and when Samuel was born, Anthony passed PD on to him. I can't find any pictures of Sam with PD either, but here's one of him asleep with PD in the background:

Samuel had lots of teddies as he was growing up, and PD was just one of them. As he got older, he became more attached to some of the stuffed tigers he was collecting (I'll tell you about Sam and tigers some day), especially one called 'Gritty Kitty', which is displayed on Sam's shelf in the lounge room.

When Oliver was born, Samuel decided (on his own) that Oliver should have PD. So he gave it to him early on. Oliver's got quite a few teddies too, but PD has become very important to him. He sleeps with PD every night,

and if he goes to stay somewhere else (even before Sam died), PD has to go with him. Even to hospital.
He was pretty attached to PD even before Sam died, but now he's even more so. He keeps the nightmares away and gives Oliver something to hold on to when he's having a more restless, worried night. PD's been a real comfort to him, and it's almost like a piece of Sam is with him every night.

It's amazing what one teddy can do.

Merimbula (again!)

Last week, we went to Merimbula for the 4th time in 3 years. We do like it there!

I had been a bit worried before the trip, as the caravan park had decided to move us off the site we'd booked, to one much further away from everything! But, I kicked up a mild stink and by the time we got there, they had a nice flat site for us about 20m away from the pool and right in the middle of the park. So they came through for us well. We've always been pretty happy with the park, so I'm glad they could sort us out and not sour our experience!

After the success we had with the borrowed one last year, we bought a camper trailer for a very good price from my friend (and workmate) Clint.
This is what it looked like set up:

 It's a great trailer: it has a HUGE king size bed,

plus space inside for a queen and another single if you wanted. Then there's a big enclosed annex, which was great for sitting inside, but still being in the shade or out of the rain. There are also two more annexes that can be attached, but we didn't need them (nor could we fit them on the site!).

We did lots of different things, including a couple of firsts for both Oliver and I. For me, it was the first time I'd ever ridden a bobsled (lots of fun!), and for Oliver, it was both his first waterslide,

 But Dad had to go on first - ('cause mum wasn't quite ready to conquer that fear yet!):

 

 He also went boogie boarding for the first time:

He was pretty amazing; he kept getting knocked down by the waves, but got up again and again. He got some good runs in too! But the next time we went, the waves were a little bigger, and he balked. Perhaps too much water/sand in the belly the last time?

We went to Magic Mountain (where the water slides and bobsled were), and played some mini-golf (I was quite amazed at how well I went, even got a hole-in-one!), and rode the go-karts.

This is sooo cool mum!

Pure concentration.

Magic Mountain was also where Samuel first got into waterslides too, the same way that Ollie did 7 years later. Anthony went on with them both, and from then on, they were hooked. So there were some nice memories made that day.

We had bought a little blow-up dinghy, and took that out into the lake a couple of times. Anthony enjoyed it very much.

 

We built a few sandcastles (as we always do):

And spent a lot of time in the pool and the games room at the caravan park. Oliver's pretty good at air hockey!

There was a cracker of a storm on Friday night, where Anthony and I spent a long time waiting with our cameras to capture the lightning. We need some more practise, but we at least got one each!

Mine

Anthony's - his was better!

Despite copious amounts of zinc and sunscreen,

 

We still came back brown as berries (I've never understood that expression!), but we had lots and lots of fun, as you can see by Oliver's face: 

 

Still, next year, we've decided to go somewhere different. We're thinking maybe Kiama or somewhere around there. I'll keep you posted.

Movies

As I've mentioned before, I'm a bit of a movie buff. Probably less so now; either because there aren't many good ones or because I don't have time to watch too many (unlike my lovely brother-in-law who sees at least three movies at the cinema every week).

I was working at the cinema when Sam was born. Of course, being a casual employee in the private sector I didn't get paid maternity leave (actually I missed the boat on that one with both kids, but that's a story for another day), and I went back to work when he was 3 months old. That's ok because Anthony decided to start a home business and do all the dad stuff.

The great thing about working there though, was the free (and later after a big corporation took over, cheap) movies. We went to the movies a lot!

The first movie I remember taking Sam to was 'Austin Powers'. He would have been under 2, but I wanted to see it and I figured that if he got restless I could just leave, it wouldn't cost me anything.

As it turned out, I didn't have to worry. I had to take out him for a little settle when it it got noisy, but apart from that he was fine.

So from then on, we went to lots of movies. Sometimes just me and Sam, sometimes him and his dad while I was working, sometimes all three of us. He got very good at the routine very quickly. He was great at sitting still, and as he was fairly mature, able to sit through movies most kids his age would squirm through. Not that we let him watch movies that were too unsuitable. There were movies meant for older people than he, but he could generally follow what was going on, and totally understood the difference between fact and fiction, special effects and reality.
Oliver's the same. He can sit through movies (and TV shows) that other kids find scary or don't understand, but he does. He doesn't worry about scary stuff, because he's very clear about the whole 'it's just a movie' thing (we saw Harry Potter 7 (.1) last night and there was a bit where everyone in the cinema seemed to jump, but he didn't even flinch).

Needless to say, Sam grew up loving movies too. By the time he was 12/13, he was going quite often with his friends, but he still went with us too.
I loved having someone to talk to about movies, and actors, and he was also the one who would watch movies with me that Anthony didn't want to watch, like Slumdog Millionaire. We watched that together one night and he was very moved by it. He hadn't really seen much of what other cultures are like (my fault I guess, I hadn't really exposed him to much outside our own little city). I remember we had a great conversation about it afterwards.

Sam also liked the kinds of movies that Anthony likes: b grade and violent. Although, he would tend to groan about how dumb they were while secretly enjoying them. They often went to the movies together, Anthony enjoyed having someone with him who wouldn't cringe or complain about how stupid the movie was (well, much, anyway!)

The last movie we saw with Sam (at the movies) was 2012 (I think, though it could also have been Surrogates, the memories are a little blurred there). It was nothing out of the ordinary, I wish I could hold that memory a little closer, but I can't. It was something we did so many times, the same way each time. It wasn't special, it was just something we did as a family. I didn't think then that I'd want to badly to remember every little detail.

Actually, of all the 'moments' this year, when I've had a twinge of sadness about Sam, or when I've really missed him, many of them have been movie related.

First there was last Christmas. I had bought him 'Year One' on DVD, which he said was hilarious (we watched it some time this year, it wasn't). I often bought him DVDs for Christmas, so last year wasn't; any different. I was hard seeing that familiar shaped package sitting with all his other unopened presents.

About 3 weeks after Sam died, Anthony, Oliver and I went and saw Avatar. Movie-wise, it was OK: the same story I've seen in a million movies, and very impressive graphics. But it was beautiful too, lovely creatures and colours etc. I think Samuel would have loved it - it was an interesting mix of action and story and I remember at one stage crying because I realised that he'd never get to see it.

And I've done that a few other times this year. When we saw How to Train Your Dragon,  the final Harry Potter; Alice in Wonderland, Iron Man 2, even Toy Story 3; I cried because I knew Sam would have loved it. He had loved the first Iron Man and all the other Toy Story movies (he was really little around the time of the first Toy Story movie, so he was the target audience. He probably wouldn't have admitted to liking them any more, but I knew he had wanted to see it).

It's funny, with all those times I couldn't cry, a movie could generally set me off. A lot of it is knowing he would have loved it and will never see it, but it's also all the movie watching we still had to do together, and all the conversations that went with them.

I'll miss that.

16 Years

16 Years ago, on the 26th of November, Anthony and I had our first kiss.

Because we're not married (I have wanted to be at various times through our relationship, but mostly I'm happy with the status quo), this is the date we decided would be our 'anniversary'.

It was such a cliched way to begin a relationship. We'd known each other a while, and were pretty good friends. On the 26th we were sitting outside listening to Motley Crue and talking. Somehow, we got into a 'tickle fight' which ended up with us kissing. Lol.

It was actually Anthony that chased me after that. I was still young (20) and fancy free, but he pursued me and after a week or so we were an 'item'.

As you know, about 5 months in, we discovered I was pregnant with Sam. The rest is history. I'd love it if he was here to help us celebrate. I know he'd be proud we managed to get through this tough year with our relationship intact (god knows he's seen us go through some shit!)

Happy anniversary Anthony. Here's to another 16 and beyond!

10 Things I'm Grateful For

If you'd asked me 5 months ago what I loved about my world, I'd be hard-pressed to name anything. The all-encompassing sadness that hung over me then (and still does now, sometimes) would have clouded my judgement.

But as hard as this has been for me, I know that Sam would be very disappointed if I consistently took the negative view. I think a healthy dose of positive might be good for me at the moment. Originally, I was going to write this as a Blog This challenge, but had trouble with the whole '10 things I love about my world' concept. So instead I've decided to write about 10 things I'm grateful for.

Anthony
We've been together a very long time (15 and a half years). We've been through great hardships and trials, and we have somehow managed to stick it out. Sometimes I wonder if it's just stubbornness: we certainly piss each other off royally sometimes. I'll never forget the time we had a big fight and I got the shits that he was walking out, so I threw a cooling rack (you know, those wire things you put bikkies on to cool) at him and it went right through the lounge room window!. It occasionally frustrates me that he's not at all romantic; and sometimes he takes AGES to do anything.
But there are also moments when I see clearly how much love and support we have for each other. I know that even though Anthony is not openly demonstrative or affectionate; he is always attentive and interested; I KNOW that he would do anything at all for me, and he is a talented, gentle, caring and generous partner.

Oliver
My little ray of sunshine. He was such a surprise. After 7 years of believing I'd only have one child, he came along. He's gorgeous, funny, sweet and is really 'touchy' (as in he likes to touch and be touched - in a totally innocent and non-sexual way!!) - just like me. In fact, Oliver is like me in many ways: musical, extroverted, fidgety, clever...
He has a beautiful singing voice (but won't let me send him to lessons) and the potential for greatness. He has done such a good job of keeping us all going. Sometimes it's hard to believe he's only 6!

The time I did have with Sam
I only had him for 13 years and 9 months, but they were some of the best years of my life. I've already raved about how awesome, wonderful, kind, funny, generous and talented my boy was. I think you know how I feel about him...

My Family
I do have some wonderfully supportive family members. My mum and dad are wonderful, caring, giving people who I sometimes suspect would do anything for me. Anthony's family are just as great. His brothers are funny, charming, welcoming and always there when you need them. Our extended families are also great at being supportive!

My Friends
As I've mentioned before, I haven't always been good at making friends. So the ones I have are even more special now.
I know lots of people. I've lived in Canberra my whole life, I worked in a cinema for 10 years and I'm now a teacher, so I've met LOTS of people along the way. It's not so bad (remember I do like meeting lots of different people!). But as for friends, I could count my close ones on one hand. The ones I know would drop everything for me if I needed them (and did so very recently).
But that's OK. Because deep down, I know I wouldn't be able to give a big group of friends the time they would need. So I'm happy to stick to the occasional night out with them, so there's more time for Sunday drinks with the good ones!

Music
I love music. I think I've made that fairly clear. From my early, misguided days of worshipping the likes of A-ha and Culture Club to my current, mostly open minded (but leaning more towards rock) and broad preferences.
I love loud music in the home, I love live music, I love playing music (though I don't do that much any more). And I am so grateful that there are thousands of talented people in the world making music that I can listen to.

Technology
There's no denying it. I'm a geek. I love computers and all the fantastic things they do for us. I love that if I want to, I can communicate instantly with anyone in the world. I love that I can take photos and edit them or do funky things to them. I love being able to look at a photo or map of any place in the world. I love my iPhone. I love that I have over 17000 songs accessible at the touch of a button (I know, I know, the quality's not as good, but who cares when all you want to do is hear that song? Right now!)
Yes, there are downfalls (and I'm sure it will make a great blog topic one day), but I am very grateful for technology.

Canberra
I'm grateful that I live in Canberra.
It gets a bum wrap a lot of the time - and people often move away to Brisbane - but it really is a great place. It's green and beautiful (for now!) and the mountains make a very picturesque backdrop. The weather is often misunderstood: it is very cold in the winter sometimes, but most winter days are sunny and clear (in fact it's been said that Canberra has more days of sunshine than Queensland!), and the summers are BLOODY hot! I like that we have definite seasons and the autumn colours are gorgeous!
Much-maligned Canberra is also often accused of being soulless and boring, but if you know what you're doing, there's always plenty to do! It's even getting better the older I get. Not just because I'm older, but because more things happen here now. It might look boring to an outsider (I'm talking to you Bill Bryson!) but it's probably because we don't want everyone joining in. :)
And then there's the "it's full of politicians" line. Well hello, the politicians come from ALL OVER AUSTRALIA!!!

Comedy
It was Samuel that gave me a true appreciation of comedy, although I have always liked funny people. When I was younger, I remember crying with laughter while watching Billy Connolly video (funny guy!). I also had a lot of fun watching the D-Generation as a teenager.
Because I'm such a 'smiley' person, I really do enjoy a good laugh. And sadly, there aren't as many opportunities for a good laugh as there used to be, so good comedy is always welcome.
I'll even pay someone!
We took Samuel to see live comedy shows twice. Once to see The Umbilical Brothers when he was about 9; very, very funny guys. We also took him to see Tripod in November last year. He was just old enough to get the 'adult references', and loved it a lot.
I've talked about how much I miss Samuel's laugh, and perhaps it's because I heard it so much. He loved watching the Comedy Channel; from stand-up to Family Guy to Chaser's War on Everything. He also loved Monty Python (who doesn't?!). And when Sam started giggling, it wasn't long before the rest of us were too.
Sometimes you need a bit of help to get the laugh going. So I'm grateful for comedy.

And a 10th?
Well there are so many things that I am grateful for. There are the big things: living in a free country; my (relative) good health; having basic human rights that are denied to many; having a roof over my head; my job etc. And there are the little things: spring flowers and autumn leaves; coffee flavoured ice cream; my doona; good coffee; the beach...

What are you grateful for?