365 Grateful - 3

Day 3 - January 3 2014

Pandora

This is my Pandora bracelet. I know that everyone has one, but the thing I really love about them is the fact that everyone's is different. I had a lovely charm bracelet when I was young, and this brings back nice memories of it, but I also love the fact that every charm tells a story, funnily enough of all the things I'm grateful for! This is the story of my Pandora (from bottom left):

• Jarrah bead - Anthony made this for me. He had made one earlier last year that was lovely but too big. So this one was made in honour of the original Jarrah bead. 

• Butterfly - this is one of those 'BFF' charms. I have half and the other half is with my best friend of 25 years, Sally. 

• Stars - My mum and dad gave me this one. Maybe 'cause I'm a star (or have my head in the stars)

• Pink birthstone - This is the birthstone for October; the month that both Anthony and Oliver were born.

• 'Oliver' spacer - This is a spacer that has 'Oliver' engraved on it.

• Green bead - Anthony bought me this to remind me of him (like I need prompts!). Green is his favourite colour.

• 'Tree of Life' - This is a lovely gold and silver charm that my parents gave me for my 40th birthday. It speaks to me in so many ways: joy of life, love of nature, renewal, growth... Lovely...

• Silky Oak bead - this is another one that Anthony made for me. He knows that Silky Oaks are my favourite trees, and my favourite timber!

• Turquoise birthstone - this is the birthstone for December. The month I was born.

• Purple charm - Anthony bought this for me. Purple is (one of) my favourite colours.

• M - fairly self-explanatory!

• 'Samuel' spacer - This is a spacer that has 'Samuel' engraved on it.

• Tiger stripe charm - Orange was Samuel's (and is Oliver's) favourite colour. Samuel also loved tigers.

• Black birthstone - This is the birthstone for March, the month that Samuel was born.

• Blackwood bead - This is another one made by Anthony. He loves blackwood.

• Dragon - Anthony bought this for me. I love dragons, and used to collect figurines.

• Lego brick - I put this one on. It tells the story of my new adventures in Lego, and the wonderful new friends I have made because of it!

Moving...

I told you that I'd share my adventures in rearranging furniture..

For a while now, I've been keenly aware of the need for a space of my own. Somewhere I can spread out all my work stuff or photography stuff and really concentrate on it. At the moment my space is the dining room table, and having all my stuff out there really contributes to a constant state of clutter and disarray.
I used to be able to handle it a bit better, but lately it's been grating on my nerves. I don't know if it's the new way I'm thinking about things, or the drugs even, but it's making me a little stressed.

Anthony and I had talked about it a few times, with me emphasising that he doesn't really know what it's like, as he has his massive shed out the back as well as his aviaries. Eventually he got the message and suggested that I use Samuel's room.

But after thinking about it for a few days, I told Anthony that I wouldn't really feel comfortable using Sam's room for that. So he suggested that we move in there. And that's what we did.

Oliver was busy with his friends all weekend, so I decided I'd at least make a start. I started by emptying Sam's room. I liked the idea of having memories of Sam with us in the lounge room area, rather than enshrined in his bedroom, so I created a shelf in the lounge room:
My apologies for the quality of the picture, it was dark and I was tired. I'll take a better one soon and replace it.
This is what I've put on there:

• On top: His Broncos football and stand thingy. He was a Broncos fan, but didn't really watch rugby much. His friends were quite into footy, so I guess that's where it came from (certainly not from us - we're not big sports fans in this house).
• Top shelf: Gritty Kitty, the stuffed tiger he'd had for years (for a while it was a bed partner, but even though he was well into his teens, it still stayed on top of his cupboard, with a bunch of other stuffed toys; mostly tigers as he had a real thing for them); a lego ship he built; and a little penguin he made in high school textiles.
• Next shelf: A photo of him as a baby, sitting in his high chair at my parent's place; his key rings, including a bit of twisted plastic he made in year 6; his rip curl beanie; his sunnies; his watch and his wallet (it still has $5 in it - I'm surprised he had any cash!)
• Middle Shelf: His ashes (wrapped in his Green Day concert shirt); a Living End t-shirt and his year 8 school photo.
• Second from bottom: His money box (we still out change in it); his Aussie glitter hat; A photo of him with Anthony, his Nanna, Oliver and Jonathon (his half brother); a model guitar we bought for him when we were in Perth.
• Bottom shelf (not in photo): the clothes he was wearing the day before he died (in a box); the cards and paperwork from his funeral; his baby album.

Next to the shelf is a poster describing Pisces, his star sign. The description is pretty spot on. We'll probably put it up next to the shelf.

I got the idea for the shelf from Kate, a fellow blogger and grieving mum (thanks Kate). The rest of Sam's stuff I packed into a cupboard in the spare room. I'm not going to get rid of anything yet, and it's all arranged in there so we can look through any time we want. I felt a bit funny doing it, but I guess the pragmatist in me decided it was an important step.

As for the other rooms, as I said I (single-handedly - Anthony was busy) moved the furniture and vacuumed and arranged. All weekend.
Anthony and I have moved into Sam's room; a bit smaller, but we really only use it for sleeping (etc!), so it doesn't really matter.
We moved Oliver into the master bedroom and gave him Sam's old double bed. Some people might not agree with this move, but we've actually done it before. When Sam was younger, he had the master bedroom until Oliver came along. We figured that while all adults do is sleep (etc!), kids actually use their room: they play, have sleepovers, etc. So it makes sense that their room is bigger. Of course that's difficult when there are two kids. We had intended to extend Sam's room at one stage, so both the boys could have big rooms, but hadn't got there yet. So for now, Oliver gets the big room.
And Oliver's old room is now my study. It's the only one I haven't finished arranging, but then again, I've got lots of stuff to arrange (I feel a big purge coming on!)

I feel a bit better now (and will even more when I've cleared the clutter from the living room), apart from the absolute exhaustion I felt yesterday (I was asleep by 8:15pm last night). I've had a couple of really good night's sleep in the new bedroom, and I think Anthony's happy with it too.

The only problem now is, I want to repaint and buy some new furniture! We still have the same bright blue and yellow paint in the bedrooms, and an odd assortment of bits and pieces we've always had, and I'd like to do a bit of updating. The first item on the list is a couple of big bookcases for my study. I'm thinking a dark brown, tall sturdy......

We'll see how we go.

Water - from happy to healing

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea. ~Isak Dinesen

This week, Blog This issued a photographic challenge: water.
I started looking through my photos, thinking that perhaps I'd find some fantastic beach sunset photo that I could post.
I do have some nice beach sunset photos; from Perth (from Cottesloe Beach):
and Melbourne (from Frankston Beach):
Which are lovely, really (isn't it amazing that no matter where you go, the sunset looks great over the ocean?).
But while I was looking through, I kept noticing a whole lot of other water photos, which happen to coincide with some wonderful memories, moments and milestones in my life.

There's the obligatory bath photo:
And the solitary "walk along the beach" photo,
Which help remind me how much my kids love (loved) the water - from the bathroom to the beach.

There's the photos that remind me of happier times with my family, like our first real holiday as a family of four, when we first discovered the beautiful town of Merimbula:
Or when we spent a lovely 10 days in Brisbane, with much of our time spent by the pool:
There are the memories of simple summer evenings spent down by the river:
The times when fears won (Samuel would not go out on the water):
And the other times where fears were conquered, and new passions begun:
(it took all our powers of persuasion to get Sam onto the boat, but once he was out at sea, he was a convert, and headed out to sea as much as he could, mostly with his friend Ryan).

The water was where my beautiful oldest child showed his nurturing side, at a time when little brothers were the biggest pains ever:
And then there are the photos that remind me of what has been taken away from me.
(Samuel loved waterslides, and actually visited this pool complex just 4 days before he died).

And then, after all that we have been through, when it seemed like there might be nothing that would ever give us joy again, there are the photos that remind me that there is still some joy in the world. That water helped us start to heal.
I've been a 'water baby' all my life. I love the water in all its forms. And despite the fact that the most water I've seen this year is the tears that I've cried for my boy, I know that there is a little hope.

You can see the other posts in this challenge (and vote for your favourite from Thursday 10/6/10). Just click here.

Sam's School

We're lucky enough to live within walking distance of a great public school.
Samuel and Oliver both started preschool there, and Samuel completed year 8 there in 2009.

Samuel didn't always like school, especially in year 5 and 6, I think partly because he was a little overweight at that point, and felt uncomfortable.
But when he got to high school, after the initial settling-in/finding his feet, he actually started to blossom. By year 8 he was getting good reports and good grades, and the teachers always spoke highly of him. Many of them came to his funeral as well.

The principal of the school came to see us not long after Samuel's funeral (she had been overseas at the time), and was able to lead the school staff through their talks to the other students as well as notifying the school community. She also brought us a couple of old yearbooks that had photos of Sam in them. Another teacher went out of his way to find photos of Sam (taken at camps etc) and put them on discs for us. We were blown away by the kindness and support we received from the school. Even the P&C helped us with organising back-to-school stuff for Oliver.

I have been in semi-regular contact with the year 9 coordinator, who was also Samuel's science teacher (and his favourite). She has been talking to the students at the school about what they would like to do to honour Sam's memory. Because he died in the holidays (4 days after term 4 ended), some of the students didn't know, and others hadn't had a chance to talk it through with each other, so she has been guiding them through those conversations.

The students were sure that they wanted to have some kind of memorial for Sam, and recently she sent me an email telling me about the meeting she had had with them.
The kids had some interesting ideas: They wanted to hold a carnival in Samuel's honour, to make wrist bands etc...she said they went a little crazy and she had to bring them down again, but eventually they came up with some ideas.

The Yearbook
The school is going to dedicate a page to Samuel in this year's yearbook, with the kids contributing some photos and quotes. As I've said before, he was pretty popular, so it's kind of fitting that the kids thought to do this for him.

The Video
The kids really wanted to make a 'documentary' about Sam: interviewing people and including some funny memories and reflections about Sam. I thought this was a very nice idea!

The Award
Right at the beginning, we asked the principal if we could contribute to an award in Sam's name.
We offered to cover any costs and provide a 'prize' for the student who ran it. When they talked to the kids about it, they loved the idea, and want the award to be along the lines of 'happiest student of the year', as that was the way they saw Sam. We thought it was a very nice idea. The year 10 students will nominate one of their peers, and the award will be judged by a panel including some of Samuel's friends (and perhaps one of us).

The Door
They also wanted to paint one of the music room doors orange, because orange is Sam's favourite colour, and because he spent a lot of time in the music room.

The Lemon Tree
This one is my favourite. Samuel used to think he was very cool when he could eat a whole lemon. I didn't think much of it at the time (just a kid showing off), but it must have been something he made a big deal about at school, because the kids were very keen to give the award recipient a lemon tree. To me, this shows how much impact Samuel had on people's lives, because it's a memory that has stuck with many of them.
We thought that it might not be the best idea to give someone a tree, as they might not be able to look after it. We told the teacher that, and after she spoke to the kids they agreed, but did not want to let the lemon tree idea go. So instead, they are going to plant one out the front of the school and create a bit of a memorial garden for Sam. What a lovely idea.
We have ordered some lemon trees from Diggers, and hopefully will get the chance to help them plant them.

As for the award prize, we will donate a JB Hifi voucher (because of Sam's love of music and video games), and a Goodberry's voucher (because he loved Goodberry's). I think that will go down well.

Writing it down here, it seems like a lot. But from what I can tell, the kids are pretty determined! I told the teacher I was concerned that we were stringing the whole thing out too much, that they might be better off not having it in their face all the time, but she said that 'they're not going to let him go that easy'.

So it's all very nice. Once again, reaffirming my belief that all teens aren't so bad. And that I chose the right school. Thanks to all of you.

4

It's 4 months today since we lost Sam. In some ways it feels like 4 years; in others, like it was yesterday.

He's always right there in my head, from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep again. He's the first thought I have when I wake up. Everything reminds me of him. It's not always sad though, which is kind of good, because I think I'd be actively trying to forget, and I never want to do that.

My cousin, who is about 4 months younger than Sam, reminds me of him a bit too. In a lot of ways they are completely different, but they are similar in their teenage-ness (and Calvin has lovely blonde curls too!). While we have been staying with him and his family, he and Oliver have been alternating between having a lot of fun together and annoying each other (well actually, Ollie's doing all the annoying!). It reminds me so much of my boys together when Sam was alive. It hasn't been too upsetting though. It's nice for Ollie to have that 'big brother time' again.

I'm really wishing I went home yesterday, so that I could be with Anthony now. I'm glad I'll see him this afternoon.

I forget...

I've forgotten what Samuel's laugh sounded like.

Oliver burst out laughing at dinner, about something the bird did (we have a baby rainbow lorikeet living in the house at the moment), and then at a big burp that I did (in my defence, I had just had a big sip of Coke). He cackled and cackled and of course we joined in.
Then all of a sudden Anthony was crying. I asked him why and he said he was remembering the way Samuel had laughed when he told him about the umbrella.

The Umbrella
Some time in December, Anthony had thrown an umbrella into the garbage bin, and when the garbage man (well, the arm of the truck that passes for the garbage man these days) had emptied the bin into the truck, the umbrella had opened and projected garbage everywhere.
Anthony had thought it was funny and so had Samuel. He had thought it was hilarious, and hatched a plot to put umbrellas in all the bins. Samuel loved practical jokes, and well, anything funny actually. Even if it was really lame.

Anyway, after Anthony said that at dinner I got to thinking about Samuel. It was then I realised that I had forgotten his laugh. Of course, then I started crying too.
Oliver didn't know which of us to hug, so he reached out both hands to pat us on our arms, then, bless him, cracked another joke.

I have noticed that I am crying more often, and more easily than I did before. It's little things that trigger it: a smell, a TV show, a memory, even Anthony sets me off, and he didn't before.
It's a good thing I guess. I was a little worried before - that I was bottling it up or something. It's not like I am any sadder, it just mainly when the little things sink in: I was at the cinema the other night watching "How to Train Your Dragon" and I was really enjoying it. I thought "Samuel's never going to see this (or any) movie." Then I started crying; Or I saw a couple outside the college the other day and thought "Samuel will never have a girlfriend"; or even when I made the hot cross buns yesterday and realised that Sam wouldn't get to eat any.
Or when I realised that I couldn't remember his laugh.

I know he used to laugh a lot. And I can kind of remember him doing it, but I want so much to be able to 'hear' it in my mind. And I can't. I don't know why I want it so much. Maybe I'm afraid that once I forget one thing, I'll start to forget others. I know I'll never forget Sam, but I don't want him to fade either.

I wish I'd taken more videos, more voice recordings. But we never do, do we? I've got thousands of photos, and I'm really happy about that, but it's the sounds that I need.

Thankfully we have recordings of Sam's voice. When he first died, we thought all that we had was his voice mail message (six words: "It's Sam, I'll call you back"). We called it a few times, just to hear his voice. Then we found out his nanna had some recordings from her answering machine. So now we have those too. And I know I'll be holding on to those for dear life.

You never expect that when you speak to your kids it's going to be the last time. You never expect that the hug is going to be the last. That the laugh that came at the wrong time, or the bad joke that made you groan, or the story that goes absolutely nowhere, is going to be the last one you hear. If you did, maybe you'd pay more attention. I hope you do.

The last good times

I'm planning on writing about Sam's funeral a bit later, so I thought I might do some remembering first.
One thing Anthony and I are both worried about is forgetting. We both have memory issues - some dope smoking back in the day probably hasn't helped - and unless I get it all down, I'm afraid it will disappear forever. At the moment what I most want to hear is Samuel's laugh, because I've forgotten what it sounds like. Unfortunately I probably won't again. We're lucky that we have his voice mail message (five words - "It's Sam, I'll call you back"), and a couple of answering machine messages from his Nanna's phone. So at least I'll never forget what his voice sounds like.

There were two nice occasions in the week leading up to Samuel's death that I'm going to put down. A good way to remember them, or remind myself of them in the future.

My Birthday
On the 16th of December, just 6 days before Sam died, I turned 36. I wasn't all that excited about it, to tell you the truth; I've never really relished the prospect of getting older. But it started the way most of my birthdays do - me up first (I don't really mind, I like the peaceful early morning).
The boys got up, bleary-eyed (Samuel especially was never much good at mornings), and presented me with some CDs and a card:

Samuel was always great with cards. He made them for everyone (well, family anyway). When we were going to a birthday celebration, Samuel would make a nice card.
I've laminated this one for obvious reasons, but I do have a few others. He had done it very discreetly, and got Ollie to sign it. I don't know when, as I was there the whole time (perhaps when I was at work the previous day? Who knows). Anyway, it was very nice.
I went off to work and got a bit spoiled: we had a swimming day with the whole school so I got to go swimming (the day itself was a bit crazy, but better than being stuck in a hot classroom with cranky kids who have had enough of school). A girl in my class even made cupcakes for me and the whole class. What a sweetie!
In the evening, the boys and I went to the Hellenic Club for dinner. Oliver was pretty happy as Santa was sitting in the foyer giving out lolly bags, and he got to play in the games room. Anthony was in and out of there, so it gave Sam and I a good chance to talk. We talked about mobile phones, and he told me about the one he was planning to buy after his birthday (when his current contract ran out and he had some money), music (how we both would have liked to have gone to the Faith No More concert, but were looking forward to Them Crooked Vultures, and a bit about school. The next day they were going to Big Splash for the day.
Samuel ordered flathead, which surprised me, because he usually went for a t-bone at restaurants. He didn't enjoy it very much, it was a bit dry and full of bones (like flathead always is). Samuel had only developed a taste for fish in the last few years, mainly due to his friend Ryan. He had gone fishing with him a few times, and had stayed with Ryan's family at their beach house, and loved going out on the boat with them. Of course, they ate a fair bit of (freshly caught) fish, so he was able to taste it at its best). Now that I think of it, I think that was where he had his first t-bone too!
We were too full for dessert, so we picked up a frozen cheesecake and went home. The boys sang happy birthday and we made pigs of ourselves. All in all, it was a nice evening.

Christmas Drinks
On Saturday the 20th, we went for drinks at Phill (Anthony's brother) and Laura (his partner)'s place. I took the boys over around 7.30pm as Anthony had crashed out on the lounge. There weren't many people there, but a nice atmosphere. Oliver found some other kids to talk to and ended up watching a movie, so Samuel was able to join in with the 'adult' conversation. He hooked into the sweet chilli philly, so much so that I think he felt guilty, and asked me to grab some from the fridge when I went home to pick up Anthony. Of course I got two other text messages from him on the way over there (don't forget my good Apple headphones, don't forget a jumper), he was an accomplished texter (a memory for another day I guess).
We sat around talking, he fiddled with his iPod (one earplug in, one out), and showed me the solitaire game on there. Of course I hijacked the thing until I was able to win the game. He was showing me some of the functions and the album art (he had spent hours the previous weekend downloading heaps of it) and still munching on sweet chilli philly.
A bit later on, James (Anthony's brother) arrived, a little drunk. He was entertaining us with funny stories about a girl he'd been seeing and some of the things that had maybe not gone so well (I remember telling Samuel not to take relationship advice from James, much to his horror). Phill offered James some tequila and he jokingly tried to get Sam to have some. Sam politely declined (might have had something to do with me sitting there saying NO WAY!), but he was such a good, sensible boy, I don't think he would have.
Not long after that, we went home. The boys decided to watch a movie, I think it was 'Zombieland'. I went to sleep hearing Sam (and Anthony) laughing. If I'd known it was going to be the last time I heard that, I would have stayed up...