Do you think they make me look smarter?

Nah, you can still see your face...

Do you remember that line from Grease? In that scene, Rizzo was talking about Frenchie's glasses. I'm talking about degrees. Or more specifically my degrees.

As you know, this semester I started my Masters. A lot of people, when I tell them, say "oh no, how can you study? I hated uni", and stuff like that.

But I actually do like it. I love learning new things, and studying at university is one way to do that. Yes, it takes up some time that I could probably do other things (watch TV? Housework?), but I do quite enjoy it. People talk about how long it takes, and how boring it is, and how they can learn new stuff without getting a piece of paper to go with it. And they probably have a good point. I guess I like that bit of paper. That little bit of recognition (am I still craving my little bit of fame perhaps? Left over from my 'I wanna be a movie star' days?)

Yesterday, Yong Zhao, a well respected educator and academic, came to talk to some of the principals, teachers and office staff here in the ACT. I was so inspired and captivated by him, I watched his presentation 3 times.

And those three times, while there was some of the same content, he managed to spin it around and make it relevant to whoever was sitting in the room. He had everyone in the palm of his hand. He was truly a great speaker. Perhaps one day I'll tell you about some of his ideas about the future of education.

But the reason, I think, that he was so great is that he's a really smart guy. A smart guy that knows how to talk to people. To make them think, to make them laugh. A guy that knows his stuff, and has a good answer to every possible question someone might throw at him.

I don't think I'm that smart. I wish I was, I really do. I'd love to be someone like him, that travels the world inspiring people to do really great things.

But the truth is, I'm not.

It's not that I'm dumb. I know a lot of stuff, and I have experienced many things. But I just don't think I have that 'total package' of above-average intelligence, as well as a knack with words. Spoken words especially (have I told you about my tendency to let my mouth run way ahead of my brain?)

So perhaps that's why I study. Not because I want to be smarter, but perhaps because I feel I need to prove myself (hence the piece of paper). That I can't (like some of the amazing people I work with, and have worked with in the past) absorb new ideas and information or naturally do really amazing, innovative things. For me to really understand things (some of the things some of the people mentioned here seem to grasp instantly and easily), I need to read, to write, to throw all the ideas together on a page and move them around until they make sense to me.
And don't get me wrong, I do that pretty well. I got great marks all through my Bachelor's degree, and so far, so good with the Masters. I'm not trying to put myself down, I just wish that I had a bit more of the....well I don't even know what to call it!

Actually, I would like to be really great at something. Anything. Yong said yesterday that to be really great at something, it takes 10000 hours. I'm not sure if I've put 10000 hours into anything in my life. Perhaps that's why. I've done lots (and lots) of things in my life, taken up lots (and lots) of different hobbies, but there hasn't really been anything that I've been great at, or so passionate about that I would devote that kind of time to it.

Ken Robinson talks about finding your element (great book by the way, if you get the chance, have a look at it). The thing that you love doing and that you do really well. He says that when we find our element, we can achieve great things. I have a feeling that my element is something to do with teaching. I'm just not sure what type of teaching: kids, adults, monkeys...who knows? Or maybe learning. Because I love learning. I do it well. Sometimes in very short bursts, but I always do it well.

All I know is that I walked out of there yesterday with a desire to study even more. Ideas for PhD topics have been popping up in my head all day! But I guess it's best to finish my Masters first!

If this post looks familiar, that's because it is!
I don't know why this post has suddenly appeared at the top, as I posted it a week ago! Silly Blogger!

When I got to the gym tonight for my Sh'Bam class (a new one that is LOTS of fun), there were lots and lots of people there.

Then I realised why. My gym is part of a college, and they were having an open night. The open night that Sam should have been going to. I saw some of friends from a distance, and they all looked a little excited (well, as much as teenage boys trying not to look excited can look). I was intending to go in and say hi to Clint (who works there) but decided it would be too hard to be amongst that, so I just went to my class.

I know that Sam was looking forward to college. We had even talked about it already, way back when he was in year 8. I think he would have done pretty well in college. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd gone to uni either, as much as he hated doing his homework!

I miss my Sam every single day. But it's times like this that it hurts the most.

Luckily, I went to Sh'Bam and got very hot and sweaty and had a good giggle. It's all about balance, isn't it?

In his honour

This morning, we attended the year 10 graduation ceremony at Sam's school.
We were invited to witness the ceremony and present the award that was created in honour of Samuel.

It was a long ceremony, with lots of awards; the most I've ever seen at a graduation ceremony, I certainly don't remember that many at my high school graduation!
Oliver was very patient and well behaved, and sat quietly through the whole two hours, which included a performance by a rock band, a short film (which apart from the awful sound was quite good) and many award presentations.

Sam's award was towards the end of the minor presentations (just before the dux etc), which I thought was nice. It was dedicated by Sam's closest (at that school) friends: Jake, Harry and Shane. Anthony handed over the award while Oliver and I stood behind him. (Funnily enough, Oliver did not want to get up on the stage until just before we went up. He's not as confident as I thought!)

In the program, the following explanation appeared along with this photo:

 

This award is in honour of Sam's contribution to the school and is determined by student nomination. The successful year 10 recipient demonstrates a positive attitude, a love of music, happy disposition and makes a difference in the lives of those around them.

I liked that. Because what they've described was pretty much Sam. We donated a prize for the award recipient: a $100 JB Hifi voucher (because Sam loved music and would definitely approved of a prize like this) and a $30 Goodberrys voucher (because Sam loved Goodberrys, right from the first time he went there with his Grandad). Don't ask my why we picked those amounts, although $130 is like $10 for each one of Sam's years with us.

The prize went to the sister of one of Sam's best friends, which was really nice. They'd known each other since Sam was 3 (She had even been to a few of Sam's birthday parties). It was good that there was a bit of a personal connection for us the first time they presented the award.

All in all, it was a good morning. Sam's music teacher even gave us one of Sam's exercise books that she'd found in the music room. It's nice to have another reminder of him, after we've gone over and over the ones we have here.

We also got a copy of the yearbook, which has a page dedicated to Sam. I'll scan it when I have some time and put it in, but basically it's a short paragraph of him, with the photo above, a photo of the tree planting ceremony and a photo of the plaque.

So once again, we are reminded of all the good that Sam left in the world, and how there are some lovely people out there that are always happy to celebrate his memory and help us through our grief.

Thanks to them all.

Sam's School Memorial

A while back, I wrote about the memorial ceremony at Sam's school. I took lots of photos, but as of today they are still trapped on my camera (I know, I know, I could have been more pro-active about getting them off, but I haven't).

However, lovely Gilly at Sam's school (his favourite teacher who has been so great to us over the last 10 months), who I saw last week when she came in for a workshop, sent me a disc with some photos on it. So I thought I'd at least show you the lovely plaque they have placed in the main school corridor:
And these are the three lemon trees:
Apparently they were well watered in the holidays, lots of keen volunteers! So they will go well I think...

Sam's School

We're lucky enough to live within walking distance of a great public school.
Samuel and Oliver both started preschool there, and Samuel completed year 8 there in 2009.

Samuel didn't always like school, especially in year 5 and 6, I think partly because he was a little overweight at that point, and felt uncomfortable.
But when he got to high school, after the initial settling-in/finding his feet, he actually started to blossom. By year 8 he was getting good reports and good grades, and the teachers always spoke highly of him. Many of them came to his funeral as well.

The principal of the school came to see us not long after Samuel's funeral (she had been overseas at the time), and was able to lead the school staff through their talks to the other students as well as notifying the school community. She also brought us a couple of old yearbooks that had photos of Sam in them. Another teacher went out of his way to find photos of Sam (taken at camps etc) and put them on discs for us. We were blown away by the kindness and support we received from the school. Even the P&C helped us with organising back-to-school stuff for Oliver.

I have been in semi-regular contact with the year 9 coordinator, who was also Samuel's science teacher (and his favourite). She has been talking to the students at the school about what they would like to do to honour Sam's memory. Because he died in the holidays (4 days after term 4 ended), some of the students didn't know, and others hadn't had a chance to talk it through with each other, so she has been guiding them through those conversations.

The students were sure that they wanted to have some kind of memorial for Sam, and recently she sent me an email telling me about the meeting she had had with them.
The kids had some interesting ideas: They wanted to hold a carnival in Samuel's honour, to make wrist bands etc...she said they went a little crazy and she had to bring them down again, but eventually they came up with some ideas.

The Yearbook
The school is going to dedicate a page to Samuel in this year's yearbook, with the kids contributing some photos and quotes. As I've said before, he was pretty popular, so it's kind of fitting that the kids thought to do this for him.

The Video
The kids really wanted to make a 'documentary' about Sam: interviewing people and including some funny memories and reflections about Sam. I thought this was a very nice idea!

The Award
Right at the beginning, we asked the principal if we could contribute to an award in Sam's name.
We offered to cover any costs and provide a 'prize' for the student who ran it. When they talked to the kids about it, they loved the idea, and want the award to be along the lines of 'happiest student of the year', as that was the way they saw Sam. We thought it was a very nice idea. The year 10 students will nominate one of their peers, and the award will be judged by a panel including some of Samuel's friends (and perhaps one of us).

The Door
They also wanted to paint one of the music room doors orange, because orange is Sam's favourite colour, and because he spent a lot of time in the music room.

The Lemon Tree
This one is my favourite. Samuel used to think he was very cool when he could eat a whole lemon. I didn't think much of it at the time (just a kid showing off), but it must have been something he made a big deal about at school, because the kids were very keen to give the award recipient a lemon tree. To me, this shows how much impact Samuel had on people's lives, because it's a memory that has stuck with many of them.
We thought that it might not be the best idea to give someone a tree, as they might not be able to look after it. We told the teacher that, and after she spoke to the kids they agreed, but did not want to let the lemon tree idea go. So instead, they are going to plant one out the front of the school and create a bit of a memorial garden for Sam. What a lovely idea.
We have ordered some lemon trees from Diggers, and hopefully will get the chance to help them plant them.

As for the award prize, we will donate a JB Hifi voucher (because of Sam's love of music and video games), and a Goodberry's voucher (because he loved Goodberry's). I think that will go down well.

Writing it down here, it seems like a lot. But from what I can tell, the kids are pretty determined! I told the teacher I was concerned that we were stringing the whole thing out too much, that they might be better off not having it in their face all the time, but she said that 'they're not going to let him go that easy'.

So it's all very nice. Once again, reaffirming my belief that all teens aren't so bad. And that I chose the right school. Thanks to all of you.

Oliver...

Who could ever know the mind of a six year old? I will never understand the thought processes of a child, they come out with such interesting stuff.

Like today, he was watching a kid's show about Greek gods. He said "when we die and turn into gods (he pronounces it 'gourds'), we'll meet Samuel, 'cause Samuel's a god now".

What do you say to something like that??? I just said, "well we don't really know what will happen."

And then there's the stuff that makes me sad. Last night, when he was getting into bed, he talked about the game he and Samuel had played on the Monday before Sam died (something to do with Sam chasing him and whacking him with a rolled up newspaper. I guess we can't say what's fun for him). He said 'I really wanted to play that game with Sam today'. Then I had to say that Sam wasn't here and he couldn't play that game any more, he'd have to play other kinds of games.

Ollie has some interesting theories about Sam. A couple of times he has said that Sam has another home now, and he's got all his stuff with him, and he's referred to Sam as a god (not an angel) a couple of times.

Lately, Ollie's been doing stuff that could be a little concerning. I'm not sure if it's his grief manifesting in strange ways, or if it's normal 6 year old behaviour, but there have been some things that may worry me if they go on.
He's still wetting the bed at night (well, actually, the night-time nappy), not just once in a while, but soaked, every night. I'm not too worried, as he's only six, but he had been having some dry nights last year.
He's been very muddle-headed: last week, he wore his shorts back-to-front two days in a row (I think one of those days he even had his shoes on the wrong feet as well).
He's forgetting to do things: hand notes in at school, do stuff he was asked to do only minutes before.
Today he got into trouble at school. He was spitting water on people, and he kicked some girl's lunch box away from her. Small stuff, but not what I'd expect from him.

Of course, all this could be nothing, but if all of it continues, I might look into getting someone to talk to him. I can see that he might start to fall behind at school if we're not careful - his handwriting's pretty rough and he's finding some of the stuff he's bringing home for homework pretty challenging. We don't want to push him too much - we know how motivation levels can go up and down for us as well - but at the same time, we want him to progress. Things will be even worse if he falls behind and has to catch up.

Of course, all of this could just be normal behaviour, but I can't help but worry a little. It's funny how everything is so much more important now.

I know he doesn't love school all the time. On Friday, when I was trying to get him up out of bed we had this conversation. I think it sums up his current attitude to school:

Ollie: I don't want to go to school today mum.
Me: Why? What's happening at school that makes you not want to go?
Ollie: Work.

Needless to say, I sent him packing. Hopefully he'll find his mojo again some time....

Back to Work

Well I went back to work today. As I have mentioned, it has been a good 12 weeks since I worked, so needless to say it was a shock to the system - just the physical act of getting up and organised was draining.

The Moment
I had a little moment in the car on the way there. It's funny how you get so used to a routine: driving the same road, seeing the same cars going the other way (and on my trip there I drive past back-to-back traffic banked up for a long way - cars with single occupants all going to the same place). On the roundabout I drove past a friend who worked with me last year. She's at a different school now and when she turned off, I got a bit of a twinge. I realised that most of the people that I would lean on if things got tough were now gone from the school. Even though I've been there 3 years now, I felt like I was the new one. That feeling eased off a little once I got there, but my eyes did mist up a bit. And knowing that the routine is the same but things are so, so different...

The day was OK. Despite working with an age group I haven't taught for a good four years, I think it went pretty well. The kids were lovely, the other staff were lovely, and the parents were amazing. Such lovely support and comments. It was a nice feeling.

I can't help but think that everything is different though. I mean, of course it is, but (and I may be paranoid) I feel like people are treating me differently. Maybe they should, I dunno, maybe if they didn't I'd want them too, but there's something different.

People do this every day? I did this every day??
We had a staff meeting after school, and despite the fact that there was interesting stuff going on, I felt very, very tired just sitting there listening.

Tomorrow is another challenge. I start the day in pre-school. An age group I have never seen from a teacher perspective (but funnily enough the age group that inspired me to start teaching in the first place). I've only got them for a little while, but I think that will be more than enough.

Oliver

A lot of people have been asking me how Oliver is going. The truth is, I don't really know. He seems to be coping really well, but then will come out with a comment that makes me think it's playing on his mind.

For example, this morning Oliver woke up bright and cheerful as usual. We were talking about what I was going to put in his lunch and then out of the blue he said:
"How did Samuel fit in the box?"
I assumed he was talking about the coffin and explained that the coffin was the right size and Samuel fit perfectly. I reminded him that he had seen Samuel in the coffin. He then went back to talking about lunch.

He does this a lot. Last night when we were talking about going out on our bikes he asked, "how did Samuel stop breathing?". Of course I don't know the answer to this either, and that's what I told him. Once again he went back to the other subject.

Now if it was me asking thee types of questions out of the blue, it would be because it was constantly playing on my mind. But is it the same for a six year old? The few books and articles I read about children and grieving have said that it is fairly normal for kids to do this, especially kids Oliver's age, as they try to make sense of things. And I don't have a problem with the questions, I just wondered if it was because it's all he thinks about. I don't think so. Kids do tend to just blurt out what' on their mind, don't they. That's not such a bad thing I reckon.

Watch out for changes
When I went and saw the counsellor a few weeks back, she said that kids are pretty resilient and bounce back quickly. As a teacher, I can understand that. I've seen kids go through some pretty horrible things and come out the other side OK. But I've also seen kids fall apart or go off the rails, so it was a big concern for me. She also said to watch out for dramatic shifts in behaviour and that he might not even react to it until he reached 13. Wow.

Oliver has been amazing really, when you think about it. He was upset the first day, I think both as a reaction to the people around him as well as the initial impact of the situation. In the days that followed it was like he was overcompensating for the unhappiness around him.
On Christmas Day (which was three days after Sam died, so everyone was still pretty raw), he was going over the top with enthusiasm. Each present (we had tried very hard to do a 'normal' Christmas for him) was opened slowly and carefully and he raved about them, like he was trying to be happy for everyone.

For about a month, every time Oliver saw Anthony (or me) cry he would rush over and give us a hug. One day he must have heard Anthony crying outside because he raced out there to find him to give him the hug. It was so sweet to watch. He's kind of eased off a bit now, but if he's not doing anything and notices someone crying, he'll go and hug them. I've only seen him cry once. Last week, I think it was the night of his first day back at school, we thought he was asleep but then heard him crying. When I asked him what was wrong he said "Sam". Of course that set both Anthony and I off.

But, he's back at school and so far he's been OK. The school has been wonderful - so supportive and caring. They are really looking after him, and from what I can see so far, Oliver is responding with a good effort.

We'll see how he goes.