As you know, Christmas is our tough time of year.
It didn't seem like this year was going to be any easier, those unhappy thoughts rise quickly to the surface, and you spend a lot of time dwelling on the anniversary to come...and the events that you're marking with that anniversary.

But the day wasn't too bad. We had the family and a couple of good friends drop in over the course of the day, as well as a few of Sam's friends. Always so nice to see them. We blew up orange balloons, wrote on the wall, and just enjoyed each other's company, and the good memories Sam left us. I won't say it gets better, but it is a little easier each time.

Then, three days later it was Christmas Day. Because my kitchen is almost finished, I decided that I wanted to do Christmas at my place. Oli helped me make some cool Gingerbread trees and shortbread, and we put together another awesome Lego tree:

This one even had lights inside!

We had a small group over: my family, Anthony's youngest brother James and foster sister Ange and her family. And despite the fact that I was preparing the meal, it was still a lovely, relaxing day.
Oliver was spoilt rotten (as usual!), including this amazing gift from his Granny and Grandad:

Lol.

All in all, a great day. I loved not having to race around the place (I always thought it was a bit crazy that we psych our kids up for all these gifts, then drag them away from them for most of the day!).

On Boxing Day I went shopping, as I always do, and bought myself a nice Kenwood mixer. And we looked at TVs, which got us thinking about renovating our lounge room. More about that next time...

Happy Anniversary!

This is us in the photo booth at my friend's wedding in October.

On Saturday, Anthony and I 'celebrated' 17 years together.
When I say celebrated, Anthony spent the day working outside and I spent the day marking. Oliver sat neglected in his bedroom, alone and forlorn...(actually, he had a friend over and spent the day shooting things with Nerf guns). We did manage a movie on the couch in the evening though. And Anthony bought me a lovely bunch of flowers:

He picked these because they were purple. Sweetie.

Those of you that know Anthony will know that buying flowers isn't something he'd normally do. Not because he's stingy, he's just never been a romantic fellow. Until now. He can still surprise me.

And I guess that's one of the things that will keep us together. The fact that we can still surprise each other.

So many people take the easy way out in relationships. When things get tough, they get away as quick as they can. Things have been pretty tough for us. Not just the Sam thing - we've had other serious downs along with our ups.
But through it all we've stuck together. At first perhaps it was stubbornness. We jumped in so fast, so young (I've told you before about how we got together, bogan style), we would have been admitting weakness to let it fold, and honestly, who wants to hear the "I told you so"s?

In the early years, we had some rip-snorting fights. I remember once Anthony walked out on an argument and I was so angry I threw the closest thing at him. It just happened to be a wire cooling rack. It sailed straight through the (closed) window, leaving a drafty reminder of my temper for days.

We don't fight so much any more. We've learned to communicate better, and we've realised that you just can't change a person.

Mind you, they can change themselves, as the flowers demonstrate. We've both changed over 17 years, and I think it's made us better.

So, what's the secret to staying together? Don't give up. It's easy to think that there's something better out there, but from what I see in other people, there usually isn't. Talk, share, laugh, have your own space and let them have theirs, and do things together. Whether it's big fancy holidays or a night on the couch with a bowl of popcorn.

Sometimes I think it would be cool to be single - to go and explore the world, but then I remember I'm pretty happy where I am. With my best buddy.

Happy 17 years honey.

Farewell to an old friend

On Friday night, our dog Merlin passed away.

He was nearly 17 (in human years), so he'd had a pretty good run. Still, it was a sad occasion, made bearable (and manageable) by some wonderful people.

The first of many...
I was 7 months pregnant with Samuel when we got Merlin. Anthony and I had been living together for a couple of months in our rented place, and we decided we'd like a dog.
We went out to the RSPCA on Boxing Day 1995, as we knew there would probably be some dogs out there. As soon as we saw Merlin, we knew he was the one. He was called Schooner then, but despite being told that dogs didn't take to name changes, he soon became Merlin (he got that name mainly because we were into wizards and dragons at the time. I guess we still are).

Merlin settled in well. Despite the fact that he was a large dog (he was a Labrador-retriever cross), he always thought that he was just 'a head' (as Anthony used to say) and could never understand why he couldn't fit on anyone's lap, or why only part of him made it inside.

He was very good with Samuel - very gentle and calm; taking all the ear and tail pulling that Samuel could dish out. Not once did he give us any reason to doubt his loyalty of Samuel's safety.

Merlin and Cheese
Not long after we moved in to our house here (March 1998), we got Cheese (Samuel named her - it was his favourite word at the time!). She has been Merlin's constant companion ever since (and just between you and me, she's a little sad at the moment).

Merlin and Cheese were not really inside dogs. They came in occasionally, but because they were usually filthy (I think I've mentioned before, our yard has a fairly large percentage of dirt/mud), they were mostly 'outside' dogs. But that was OK, because they had their own lounge suite. They tended to push the limits, but rarely stepped over them...

The Dangerous Dog
In about 2000, we were entertaining some friends. Their young son, who was 'entertaining' Merlin, got a scratch on his face when Merlin got a bit too excited. It was a bad scratch (with blood etc), and they decided to put in a complaint against him.

The Dog Control people confiscated him, and at first they were going to have him put down, but after having him at the pound (jail) for a while, they decided he wasn't really dangerous (just between you and me, they thought he was a bit of a pussycat. They knew straight away that he wasn't actually dangerous, but had to follow some kind of procedure), but that because of the incident, would have to be labeled 'dangerous' (the first Dangerous Dog in Canberra actually). We had to make some changes to protect the 'public' So we built higher fences and put a sign on our gate and then he came home.

Of course he wasn't dangerous. We had many other people (including kids) visit that didn't get 'attacked' by him, and kept a wide range of pets, such as chickens, rabbits, geese, ducks, rats, a cat and parrots, all of which were decidedly unharrassed by Merlin.
Actually, our house has always been a bit funny that way, our pets have always gotten along well, despite their natural predator/prey tendencies!

Merlin was technically Samuel's dog, and Samuel was usually the one who fed him, walked him and played with him, but Merlin's loyalty was firmly with Anthony. He followed him everywhere and did exactly as he was told by Anthony.

Getting Old
In the last couple of years, Merlin had slowly lost many of his faculties: his hearing went a while ago, then his sight, and finally all his muscle tone. He was so skinny you could put your hands together around his middle (this was despite his ENORMOUS appetite!)

After Sam died, Merlin definitely felt it, and was very low for a couple of months. We actually thought we might lose him quite early on. But he seemed to sense that it wasn't the right time; that it would be too much for Anthony to take, so he held on. Almost every night, while we sat eating dinner, he would stand at the back door and bark. At nothing in particular. I said that he was showing signs of dementia, but Anthony always said it was because Sam was there. That he was saying hello.

Time to Go
Just after we'd gotten back from Melbourne, Anthony felt that it was finally time for him to go. Merlin had gotten very listless, he wasn't eating or doing much at all. Anthony called our sister-in-law Rachel, who is a vet, who came over to have a look, and to help him on his way.
We were very glad that she could do this for us, and that Merlin could go peacefully, at home, surrounded by people that loved him.
All of Anthony's brothers came over, and his mum even drove all the way back from Sydney (she'd only just got there) to be with Merlin. She had a special relationship with him, as he lived with her for the 18 months that we lived in the granny flat at my parent's place.

So while we were all there with him, Rachel gave him the needle, and he let go. It didn't take much. He was definitely ready. I won't mention the prank he played on us all - let's just say the house stunk for a while...it was a very Merlin-like prank!

And how are we?
The worst part about having pets is when they die, usually because they go long before anyone else on the family. It's a hard lesson to learn, but an important one. Harder for Oliver, because he's experienced too much death in his short lifetime. He mentioned this (that many people/pets that he knows have died) a couple of times, and I really felt for him, poor kid. Still, I'm glad he was there with Merlin in his final moments, and that he understands that Merlin lived a full and happy life, and was put to sleep because it was the best for him. Let's just hope that's it for a while though.

Oh, and a final note - Cheese is now firmly entrenched as an 'inside dog'. We were conscious of  her close relationship with Merlin, and worried about her pining for him, so we invited her inside. Lorraine (Anthony's mum) came over yesterday and gave her a bath, and she has definitely taken to her role. She doesn't need to be asked twice to come in, and has a permanent place on a blanket in front of the heater. Ah well, she's old (she's nearly 14 now), and she's nice to have around.

Do I have to come home?

 

This is what I see when I look out m hotel window.

It's not the traditional 'Melbourne City View', but it's still a nice one. There's the markets, a tram that wanders by every 20 minutes or so, the big container cranes, and in the distance, the big pillars of the Bolte Bridge.

I like Melbourne. Very much. If I had to live in another city it would be this one. When I asked Oliver if he'd live here, he said 'yeah! there's so much more to do here!'. Then he mentioned that he'd miss the family. Bless him. Damn families, stopping us from doin' stuff! ;p

We've had a pretty great time. For the first four days, we stayed pretty close to Eric and Karen's place (where we were staying). We visited my Grandpa a few times - he went to hospital for a night while we were here, so we went and visited him there too, we went swimming with my aunt and cousin (Oliver loved the wave pool), and I even managed to fit in almost a whole day of relaxing on the couch.

Which is probably why my body decided to let me get sick!

I haven't been sick in quite a while, but on Monday, I woke up with the definite signs of a cold. See, I just shouldn't have relaxed! Because today, I've got to drive home, and I'm feeling less than wonderful. It's going to be a loooooong trip...

Nevertheless, we've packed a lot in to our three days in the city.

On Sunday when we arrived, we went to the Queen Victoria Markets, where Oliver drained my wallet and I picked up some yummy olives and things (which ended up as my dinner!). Then we went down to Federation Square to the 'Art of the Brick' exhibition, which was pretty amazing:

This thing was HUGE! And made completely out of Lego!

 

We wandered through the town, ending up at the midtown Myer store's toy section (surprised??), which is pretty cool, with lots of Lego models, and too much Lego for sale!

And that was only Sunday! On Monday we went to the Melbourne Aquarium, which was cool (if not a little overpriced, I thought), the highlight of which was the gorgeous penguins (sorry, don't have a photo yet). Then, in a slightly cheeky move, we went at had some lovely fish and chips down on the Docklands. There is a great new shopping precinct there, but by this time, Oli was footsore, so we headed back up for a rest, briefly showing our faces down at Melbourne Central (about 350m away from here) for dinner.

Yesterday, we went to the fabulous Melbourne Museum (again, no photos yet!). It is a very well put together museum with some fascinating exhibits, like the taxidermied (not a word, I know) Phar Lap and the wonderful indoor 'forest', where I was very excited to get up close and personal with a satin bower bird and his blue bits (such a bird nerd!). 

We also saw (after nearly 30 minutes of queuing) the Tutankhamen exhibition, which was fascinating, but probably over priced and over hyped for what it was. I was hoping for Tut's mask or at least his sarcophagus, but it was interesting to see some of the treasures he was buried with.

Wednesday's adventures didn't end there. We then walked down to Eureka Tower (one end of town to another). We'd been there before but Oli was keen to go again, and I wanted to see it all by night. It was very spectacular, despite the low cloud that came in every few minutes, at one stage completely obscuring our view!

Oliver was exhausted by this time, so we jumped on a tram which took us almost to the door, and tucked in for an early night. 

This morning, I've promised Oliver a buffet breakfast in the hotel's restaurant, then we begin the long trek home. I have a feeling it will take me a little longer than the trip here, but that's OK. It's been nice.

Christmas

Christmas Eve was quite nice. Oliver was determined that he was going to go to bed nice and early so that he wouldn't be 'too tired to go to sleep'. We did the whole carrot and cookies thing and then he actually did a good job of falling asleep quickly. Oliver used to be a terrible sleeper (perhaps it's a good topic for another day), but for the last couple of years has mastered going to sleep and sleeping well.
I made shortbread (I do every year, using my great-grandmother's recipe) while Anthony tidied up and wrapped presents.
You might wonder why I mention this, but Anthony hasn't always been so....domestic....
I'll tell you about it some day; but while Anthony has always been a great provider and supportive partner, I have generally been the nurturing/housework/cooking partner. His attitude to this side of family life has changed lately, and it's lovely!


Pressies! Isn't that what Christmas is all about?? ;p
We actually made it to bed before midnight, which was nice, and as usual, I was up before Oliver! In the last 7 or so years,  neither of the kids have ever managed to get out of bed before me on Christmas Day. Which is OK, I love sitting in the lounge room and watching their reaction when they see all the pressies.
Of which there were quite a lot this year.
I can't help myself! I've mentioned before that I love giving people presents, and while I try every year to scale down my gift buying, I always manage to buy too many for the kids.

Part of the trouble is that I buy quite a few gifts earlier in the year. I like to be organised, and I'll usually order something through Chrisco and buy some cool things in sales during the year.
Then, of course I'll go shopping just before Christmas (just for a few stocking stuffers!) and see a whole lot of things that I know the kids (or Anthony) would love. So I buy those too! Before you know it, there's a great pile under the tree on Christmas morning.
Not that I'm too worried. Despite the fact that I'm really good at spending money, I spend it well, and never spend so much that we have to go without other things. I've never had a credit card, and I think that helps!
And Oliver doesn't mind either! I know it will probably come back to bite me on the bum one day when he's a spoiled, Dudley Dursley-type child (Last year you bought 37 presents! This year there's only 36!), but seeing his excited face just does it for me every time!
This is what our loungeroom looked like Christmas morning:

And yes, most of those presents are for Ollie!

And the 'other' Christmas duty?
We'd made a decision fairly early in December that we would go to Anthony's aunt and uncle's house for Christmas lunch, because there are always lots of people there and Oliver was keen to be around lots of people. When we got there, we found out that Oliver would be the only kid there, which kinda sucked, but it did mean he had the attention (sort of) of all his uncles and aunties.

So we knew it was going to be a busy day. In the past, we have just gone to see one side of the family, because I've always thought the running around was a little ridiculous. We give our kids all this cool stuff, then whip them out of the house for a good 6 hours - away from everything they've just unwrapped (then come back too exhausted to do anything!).
Since I'd always decided to do Christmas just for the kids, this always seemed a little weird, so one set of family it was...

Was. This Christmas Day, we went to see my parents on the way to Christmas lunch. It actually wasn't too bad, because we had a nice peaceful sit with mum and dad first. Usually I'd prefer to hang out with them, because it's fairly relaxed and quiet. Mum and Dad gave us (as well as some other awesome things) these wooden letters for our lounge room. I think they look quite nice!

 

This kind of Samuel-related present I don't mind. In fact, I think it's lovely. There were also a couple of other 'Samuel' presents: an Oxfam goat (in Sam's name) from Anthony's aunt and uncle, as well as a Goodberrys voucher for us from Anthony's brothers and sisters-in-law.
When people start to buy things for Sam (so far not too many, but a little disturbing when it does happen), that's when I start to get a little concerned. (I'll talk about this in another post though.)


It was a lovely lunch, where we all ate way too much (surprise surprise!), but there was some nice conversation and a relaxed time with some of my favourite people. So definitely worth it. In the evening, my best friend and her son came over, and we sat like zombies for a little while, before we all decided to pack it in.

So yes, a nice day all in all. But next year, I think I might stay home!

Checking In...

I thought I'd better check in with y'all, to let you know I'm still here!

Wednesday was really lovely. I think the way we chose to spend the day was perfect. In the morning, the three of us reflected a little bit, just the three of us. Then we headed briefly over to Anthony's mum's place to float some candles in the bath in Sam's memory.

From 12-8pm, we had a steady flow of people through the house. I kept up a heap of food all day (I love to feed people!) and we talked and laughed and remembered. It really was great.
A group of Sam's friends came over for a while, which was just lovely. They sat in my study (because we don't have a 'Sam' room any more), ate chips, drank Pepsi Max (Sam's drink of choice), and talked about Sam. They even wrote down some nice Sam memories for me (which I might share with you some time soon!)

Anthony's very talented brother Christopher recently completed a mural in Sam's honour:

We had hung it next to our mural:

And many of our guests added new messages. It was nice to see some of the thing people had written

Of course, I wish that the reason for the get-together never happened, but it was a fitting way to honour Sam and mark the passing of a whole year without him. I, for one, really appreciated the chance to talk about Sam without the melancholy.

Thanks to everyone who came along, or sent lovely message (the ones attached to my last post were lovely, thanks!).

Next up - Christmas!

All in the family...

Well my dad is now blogging. It was only a matter of time, as he's a great writer and has lots of stories to tell!
Better lift my game though....

Midlife Crisis

You're perfect, yes it's true.
But without me you're only you...
Faith No More - Midlife Crisis

Is it possible to have one at 36?
Don't worry readers, I'm not about to go out and buy a ferrari or find myself a toyboy!

Now I know you're all saying, she's had this traumatic experience, she's depressed, she's not herself...and you may well be right. But I wonder if I'm thinking differently because of these things, or if I would have come to these conclusions eventually anyway.

Please bear with me (or not - your choice as always), as I think out loud.

Of course nothing's ever simple with me; not lately anyway. I have some thoughts that run over and over in my mind, and then others that pop in and out that seem to contradict each other. It's very confusing sometimes, and probably not helped by the drugs I'm now taking. I can't make any sense of things by talking either, because of my general inability to express myself verbally.

Let me explain (because by writing it all down; and maybe even getting some other people's perspectives - I'm sure Anthony's sick of me babbling - I might be able to make some sense of it):

The one, overriding thought I have at the moment; and I don't think it's been brought on by the drugs or the depression, because I've had it for a while; is that I just don't know who I am any more. It's not that I have amnesia or anything, it's just that the things I want and the way I want to operate have changed. I know I'm still a mum, and a partner, and a daughter, and a sister, but I feel like I've changed, but don't know how I've changed. My opinions and values seem to have shifted, that's for sure!

Prior to Sam's death, I was probably a workaholic (I think I even thought of myself like that afterwards too, as this post seems to be saying). At the very least I was one of those people who spent far too much time working or thinking about work.
And it was OK. I justified it in any number of ways and, I thought, was feeling OK about it all. After all, I was still in the early stages of my career, and getting my head around everything. Of course, when I was still working hard well into my 4th year, I guess I knew it was more than working the job out.

But now, I don't want to be that person. I do like teaching, and I do like working, but all I want to do is be here for Ollie. I want to be able to walk him to school every now and then, or go to his assemblies. I want to have enough energy at the end of the week to be able to go for a bike ride, kick a soccer ball around, watch a movie with him without falling asleep. They grow so quickly, and I've only got one now. It's so hard to know I'm not there for him.
Of course, Anthony is here for him, and he is very lucky to have his dad here, I've always said that. But I want to be here for some of it too!
When I said this to my parents yesterday, they spoke of leaving me at day care and crying all the way to work. I'm sure this is pretty normal for all parents when they leave their kids in care, and certainly I already felt that way. But now, it's stronger. Maybe because I've lost one child already, and I want to hang on desperately to the only one I have left. To experience every moment.

Of course I realise that there aren't many jobs that pay well that also allow you these things. And that's part of the frustration. I do actually like teaching sometimes too! I love the relationships you develop with people; I love that you can do different things every day; I love the constant learning that's involved. But sometimes it doesn't seem worth the effort and emotional investment. Especially when you're trading off your family to do it.

To tell you the truth, as much as I didn't want to take the whole week off, I'm glad I did. It's not like I've done much, but it has been nice to be here not doing much. I've loved being here every morning and every afternoon to see Oliver.

So it comes down to this. What I keep coming back to; what I really think I would like, is to just work 4 days a week until the end of the year. It started as just a little thought, but now it is almost all-consuming. I think it's also a bit of a compromise for my crazed mind, because sometimes all I want to to is run and keep running! Go somewhere that there are no reminders, no stresses. I know that place doesn't really exist, so I've gone for a compromise aimed at saving my sanity. I keep weighing up the pros and cons, and it's about even, so I don't know where to go. Maybe you can help me?

Pros

• More time with Ollie.
• I can make an appearance at Ollie's school once a week.
• I can have some time to myself to work things out in my head (without Ollie/weekend stuff happening around me).
• I can try some other things (like maybe doing some writing - a book?, photography etc).

Cons

• We would be around $350-$400 worse off per fortnight (would not affect mortgage, bills too much, but would mean some belt-tightening).
• It *may* hurt my career options in teaching (although I don't really believe that, as I do have a fairly good name in the profession anyway, and it is only one semester).
  
• The school would be inconvenienced.

Y'see, to me, the main reason not to do it is financial. And the way that I'm thinking now, and have been for a long time, is that that's not a good enough reason. It is a problem, I guess, because we do have a mortgage etc (and my stupid HECS bill - if only I didn't have that we'd be all right!), but if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that family (and I'm starting to think, my sanity) is more important than financial concerns. Anthony has said that we'd manage if we had to, but I don't want to put him through too much belt-tightening if it's unnecessary for other reasons!

Can you see my dilemma? Of course, it is possible that this is all because I'm looking at the world through a different lens, and some of you might be able to help me see reason one way or another. Maybe you could add to my pros and cons list. All I know is that if I keep running it all around in my head, I'll go even more crazy!

Fashion, Family and Feats: my life in 5 year bursts...

The last few posts have been a little melancholy, so I thought I'd jump in on another Blog This challenge:

What were you doing 5, 10, 15, 20 etc years ago? 2005. 2000. 1995. 1990. 1985. 1980. 1975... Just go back as far as you can, we have a wide range of ages in our contributors!
Words, pictures or both, whatever you please.

Over the past few years, I have been thinking about how it would be nice to write some kind of a memoir (I know, I know, I'm only 36, but I've had a fairly interesting life up until now!), but that it's always so hard to remember stuff. This challenge will be a good place to start. As always, I've used photos to hopefully trigger some memories, and give me (and you) a bit of a giggle...

5 Years Ago
Feats and Finances - In 2005, I graduated from university. I was 32. I hadn't gone to uni after year 12, as I had a little bit of living I wanted to do. ;pI quite enjoyed uni, despite giving birth to a baby halfway through my degree. I did well, with a distinction average, and managed not to piss too many people off! I was offered a permanent job in November and spent the last few weeks of the school year working as a relief teacher, mainly at Birrigai, which is an awesome outdoor education school here in the ACT.

Family - In 2005, Oliver was 2 and Sam was 9. I think, deep down, Sam was proud of his mum becoming a teacher, but there was NO WAY he was going to let me teach at his school! Not that I would have anyway!
2005 was also the year that Anthony started getting serious about birds. It started off with a bunch of red rump parrots given to him by a friend, and a stray galah rescued from the side of the road. Now, we have hundreds of parrots of all different shapes and sizes (I'll write about them some time)!

Fashion - In 2005, I had already lost a fair bit of weight. I had been going to the gym regularly and eating well. At the time I said I wasn't dieting, but I certainly didn't eat heaps of junk. In the photo above, I think I'd already lost about 25 kilos. By my birthday/graduation it was over 30 kilos. So 2005 (and 2006) were the years I got interested in fashion again. I could walk in and buy something off the rack. Granted, it was usually a size 14-18 (sizing is just so inconsistent, isn't it!), but it FIT!
Now, of course, I've put almost all that weight on again! Sigh...

10 Years Ago
Family - In 2000, we were well on our way to establishing ourselves as a family. We'd bought our house (in 1998) and were busily knocking down walls, (we still haven't patched all the plaster!) planting our garden and ripping up carpets.
We went on our first 'family holiday' to Sydney, staying in a horrid hotel (above the pub; shared bathroom) in Wynyard in Sydney. We had a nice time though, walking almost everywhere (my boys have always had good stamina for walking - I truly believe it's the best way to see a place!) and doing lots of touristy things.
Samuel started preschool in 2000, and met some of the friends that he kept close until the day he died. He was quite young for preschool; three when he started, but he coped very well with it. We had no doubt that he was ready for it!

Work - In 2000 I had been working at the local cinema for 7 years. Some time around 2000, the management changed and it wasn't as nice a place to work. By 2000 I was the chief projectionist, and had started working as a shift supervisor for some shifts. I liked the shift work, as it meant I could do some of the school stuff (I was on the fund raising committee that year).
Anthony's business was going pretty well; and he was starting to pick up some pretty important jobs around town.

Fashion - In 2000, I didn't really worry about fashion too much. I wore a uniform at work, and as my job was fairly active and dirty, my clothes weren't particularly high fashion. I wore 'comfortable' clothes in my down time, many of which were fairly androgynous. I don't remember it being a particularly conscious choice, it was just what I liked. I was probably also a little conscious of my body/extra weight (which funnily enough, was not nearly as much of a problem as it is now!)

15 Years ago
For some reason, I couldn't find a single photo of me in 1995. This one was taken on New Year's Eve 1994, so it's close:
We were going to a 21st birthday party, with a medieval theme. Anthony must have really liked me even then, for me to talk him into dressing up like that!

Family - 1995 was the year I fell pregnant. I've told this story before, but Anthony and I had been together only about 5 months when I found out. A pretty heavy thing for both of us to have to deal with: me at 21 and him at 23. But we did OK out of it, I think.

Feats and Finances - In 1995, I was busy working as a projectionist at the local cinema. I'd been working there since 1992, and had been asking for a while to work in the projection room. I was told a few times that 'women don't do that job', but kept up my campaign until they gave me the job. I did it pretty well too, and then about 6 months into the job, found out I was pregnant (oh the irony!).

Fashion - Oh how I wish I had some photos for you! 1n 1995, there weren't the lovely, high fashion maternity clothes that there are now. There were (at least in the places I shopped) sacks, smocks and the occasional muumuu. My mum made me a few good bits and pieces (she's a highly talented lady that one, especially when it comes to anything requiring a needle!), but mostly I wore caftans and other shapeless, horrible things. Luckily, it was summer when I was heavily pregnant, so I spent most of my time in water, requiring little by the way of fashion!

20 Years Ago
Family - Well in 1990 I was 16, so I was still ensconced in my 'first' family. I was in year 11, and it was a very exciting year. I found (and lost) my first 'real' boyfriend, met my best friend Sally, and went overseas for the second time in my life (in 1988 I had gone to Indonesia with school as part of the language program).

Feats and Finances - In September 1990, I went to the USA with the ACT Senior Concert Band. We went all over the states, playing concerts as we went. We went to Washington D.C, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Small-town Wisconsin and lots of places in between. We even played a couple of shows at Disneyland. My dad came along for the ride, and quite possibly had more fun than I did, but it was a great experience!

Fashion - I was 16, and above average weight-wise (god I'd love to be that 'fat' again!), so I probably wasn't going to squeeze myself into some of the stuff other 16 year olds were wearing. Which believe me, is NOTHING like what modern day 16 year olds are wearing! I was more of a jeans and Dr Martens girl anyway, and for the most part, made fairly acceptable fashion choices!
25 Years Ago
Family - In 1985 I was 12. I was in year 6 and excited about high school, from what I remember! We'd been living in our house for 4 years, and I'd made some pretty good friends around the neighbourhood. Our area was still pretty new, but growing rapidly.
Feats and Finances - I seem to remember I was OK at writing in primary school, and quite enjoyed drama. I generally got pretty good reports and got along with most people. It's very possible that I tried my first cigarette in year 6 (but don't tell my mum and dad!).

Fashion - It was the 80s! What can I tell you, except that I was no exception! I don't know if these are all 1985, but they were definitely taken between 1983 and 1986. Note the socks and sandals!
30 Years Ago
Well there's not really all that much I can tell you. It was 1980, I was 6, and I obviously liked pink ponchos. 'nuff said!
35 Years Ago
The year was 1975...I was nearly 2, completely gorgeous:
and possibly slightly perturbed at the arrival of my little brother:
Isn't it amazing how much goes on in 5 years? So many changes in between those times...
I wonder what I'll be doing in 2015??

Oh, and if you liked this post, please feel free to vote for it.

10 Things I'm Grateful For

If you'd asked me 5 months ago what I loved about my world, I'd be hard-pressed to name anything. The all-encompassing sadness that hung over me then (and still does now, sometimes) would have clouded my judgement.

But as hard as this has been for me, I know that Sam would be very disappointed if I consistently took the negative view. I think a healthy dose of positive might be good for me at the moment. Originally, I was going to write this as a Blog This challenge, but had trouble with the whole '10 things I love about my world' concept. So instead I've decided to write about 10 things I'm grateful for.

Anthony
We've been together a very long time (15 and a half years). We've been through great hardships and trials, and we have somehow managed to stick it out. Sometimes I wonder if it's just stubbornness: we certainly piss each other off royally sometimes. I'll never forget the time we had a big fight and I got the shits that he was walking out, so I threw a cooling rack (you know, those wire things you put bikkies on to cool) at him and it went right through the lounge room window!. It occasionally frustrates me that he's not at all romantic; and sometimes he takes AGES to do anything.
But there are also moments when I see clearly how much love and support we have for each other. I know that even though Anthony is not openly demonstrative or affectionate; he is always attentive and interested; I KNOW that he would do anything at all for me, and he is a talented, gentle, caring and generous partner.

Oliver
My little ray of sunshine. He was such a surprise. After 7 years of believing I'd only have one child, he came along. He's gorgeous, funny, sweet and is really 'touchy' (as in he likes to touch and be touched - in a totally innocent and non-sexual way!!) - just like me. In fact, Oliver is like me in many ways: musical, extroverted, fidgety, clever...
He has a beautiful singing voice (but won't let me send him to lessons) and the potential for greatness. He has done such a good job of keeping us all going. Sometimes it's hard to believe he's only 6!

The time I did have with Sam
I only had him for 13 years and 9 months, but they were some of the best years of my life. I've already raved about how awesome, wonderful, kind, funny, generous and talented my boy was. I think you know how I feel about him...

My Family
I do have some wonderfully supportive family members. My mum and dad are wonderful, caring, giving people who I sometimes suspect would do anything for me. Anthony's family are just as great. His brothers are funny, charming, welcoming and always there when you need them. Our extended families are also great at being supportive!

My Friends
As I've mentioned before, I haven't always been good at making friends. So the ones I have are even more special now.
I know lots of people. I've lived in Canberra my whole life, I worked in a cinema for 10 years and I'm now a teacher, so I've met LOTS of people along the way. It's not so bad (remember I do like meeting lots of different people!). But as for friends, I could count my close ones on one hand. The ones I know would drop everything for me if I needed them (and did so very recently).
But that's OK. Because deep down, I know I wouldn't be able to give a big group of friends the time they would need. So I'm happy to stick to the occasional night out with them, so there's more time for Sunday drinks with the good ones!

Music
I love music. I think I've made that fairly clear. From my early, misguided days of worshipping the likes of A-ha and Culture Club to my current, mostly open minded (but leaning more towards rock) and broad preferences.
I love loud music in the home, I love live music, I love playing music (though I don't do that much any more). And I am so grateful that there are thousands of talented people in the world making music that I can listen to.

Technology
There's no denying it. I'm a geek. I love computers and all the fantastic things they do for us. I love that if I want to, I can communicate instantly with anyone in the world. I love that I can take photos and edit them or do funky things to them. I love being able to look at a photo or map of any place in the world. I love my iPhone. I love that I have over 17000 songs accessible at the touch of a button (I know, I know, the quality's not as good, but who cares when all you want to do is hear that song? Right now!)
Yes, there are downfalls (and I'm sure it will make a great blog topic one day), but I am very grateful for technology.

Canberra
I'm grateful that I live in Canberra.
It gets a bum wrap a lot of the time - and people often move away to Brisbane - but it really is a great place. It's green and beautiful (for now!) and the mountains make a very picturesque backdrop. The weather is often misunderstood: it is very cold in the winter sometimes, but most winter days are sunny and clear (in fact it's been said that Canberra has more days of sunshine than Queensland!), and the summers are BLOODY hot! I like that we have definite seasons and the autumn colours are gorgeous!
Much-maligned Canberra is also often accused of being soulless and boring, but if you know what you're doing, there's always plenty to do! It's even getting better the older I get. Not just because I'm older, but because more things happen here now. It might look boring to an outsider (I'm talking to you Bill Bryson!) but it's probably because we don't want everyone joining in. :)
And then there's the "it's full of politicians" line. Well hello, the politicians come from ALL OVER AUSTRALIA!!!

Comedy
It was Samuel that gave me a true appreciation of comedy, although I have always liked funny people. When I was younger, I remember crying with laughter while watching Billy Connolly video (funny guy!). I also had a lot of fun watching the D-Generation as a teenager.
Because I'm such a 'smiley' person, I really do enjoy a good laugh. And sadly, there aren't as many opportunities for a good laugh as there used to be, so good comedy is always welcome.
I'll even pay someone!
We took Samuel to see live comedy shows twice. Once to see The Umbilical Brothers when he was about 9; very, very funny guys. We also took him to see Tripod in November last year. He was just old enough to get the 'adult references', and loved it a lot.
I've talked about how much I miss Samuel's laugh, and perhaps it's because I heard it so much. He loved watching the Comedy Channel; from stand-up to Family Guy to Chaser's War on Everything. He also loved Monty Python (who doesn't?!). And when Sam started giggling, it wasn't long before the rest of us were too.
Sometimes you need a bit of help to get the laugh going. So I'm grateful for comedy.

And a 10th?
Well there are so many things that I am grateful for. There are the big things: living in a free country; my (relative) good health; having basic human rights that are denied to many; having a roof over my head; my job etc. And there are the little things: spring flowers and autumn leaves; coffee flavoured ice cream; my doona; good coffee; the beach...

What are you grateful for?

Family

Ahh family...I've been involved in enough online (and other) discussions to know that families are far from perfect at the best of times, and some families have a lot of trouble getting along. Actually, I think the only perfect, happy families exist on TV shows, and there are always going to be some crazy antics going on.

I'm not going to say I have one of those perfect families, but on the whole, they are pretty awesome.
I've just spent the weekend hanging out with my family, and I must say they are quite fantastic.
Anthony's brother Tim visited from Queensland over the weekend, and I must say I just love it when Anthony and his brothers get together. They laugh, they have fun, they joke..they just get along well.
It's a nice place to be, and I'm glad we're all seeing a bit more of each other. Not happy about the way we got here, but liking the outcome.

zoo boo be doo

Yesterday we went to the zoo. I had given Oliver the choice of activities, listing all the possibilities, and he chose the zoo. It surprised me a little, as Ollie tends to be more a beach/playground kind of kid than a zoo kid (Samuel was the animal lover).

We caught the train from Ferntree Gully Station, which - if you know Melbourne - is a pretty long train ride. But Oliver handled it well. Then we caught a tram to the zoo (you can't go into the CBD and not catch a tram!) and spent an awfully long time wandering around.

It was a actually a pretty good day for the zoo. Apart from the hundreds of school kids on excursions, it was pretty quiet, and the animals were quite active. We saw the cute baby elephant, Mali, and the orang-utans were putting on a great show for us. There were a couple of monkeys carrying babies, the penguins were very cute,the lions were eating, and even the snakes were moving! Oliver was particularly amused by the gorilla that was picking its nose and then eating it.
We seem to have a bit of luck with the gorillas at Melbourne Zoo. When we took Samuel there as a baby (just over one I think), there was a baby gorilla there. We took Sam up to the glass and told him to give the baby a kiss. Sam made a 'kissing face', and then the baby gorilla did the same thing. It was so cute!! Of course we didn't have a camera handy, but it's a memory that has stuck with us for a long time. I thought of it when I watched the gorillas. It was a little sad.

After the zoo we caught the train back to Flinders Street, and caught the end of a fire juggler's performance in Federation Square. He was particularly taken by the funny looking building next to the road (the metallic one with the LED signs going in all different directions).
We walked up to Melbourne Central and found a couple of lolly shops to waste money in, then caught the train home. We were lucky (?) enough to get on the most crowded train in the world, and I thought we'd have to stand up, but luckily a wonderful mum offered Ollie the seat next to her. It was an interesting trip, but I think it was a good way for Oliver to experience the big city.

It's the first real 'touristy' thing we've done. Oliver has been pretty happy just 'touring the playgrounds': We went to Caribbean Gardens on Friday, which has a pretty cool playground, and then the playground at Maccas, and then on Saturday we went to an amazing playground just behind Stud Park Shopping Centre. Oliver's in his element when he can climb, and he hadn't really been feeling 100% (a bit of croup I think), so it was good to do things that weren't too taxing.

We spent the weekend visiting family, which was really lovely. On Saturday we saw my uncle Greg and his very lovely family (his wife Julie is a wonderful brave soul, and his daughters are so smart and interesting). Then we went to Frankston to walk along the beach and watch the sunset. Frankston has a bit of a funny reputation, but I think the beach is lovely.On Sunday we visited my aunty Michele, and her family. It was nice to see her husband Micheal, who I haven't seen for years. Her daughter Sarah was fairly close to Sam (even though they lived so far away), as her birthday was the day after his (but a year earlier), and they kept up with each other on MSN and Facebook. Then we visited my aunty Karren. She lives with my uncle Brendan on a beautiful bit of land a little way out the east, in a place called Neerim South, and we spent a lovely Sunday afternoon out there seeing them and my cousins. Every time I go somewhere like that, I really want to move to the country. It was so beautiful!

Well, we're off on a ride on Puffing Billy today. Should be fun. It's been a nice trip. I think we could have gone back a bit earlier, but it's nice to relax somewhere else. Luckily my uncle Eric and aunty Karen and their kids Calvin and Chelsea are wonderful, friendly, welcoming and relaxed, so we feel very much at home here.
It's also been pretty expensive! I thought it would be much cheaper with just me an Ollie, but we seem to be going through just as much money! I must admit, I wanted to buy Eric and Karen some wine, and I'm cooking them dinner tonight, because I get the 'guilt' thing, about staying too long (it's a genetic thing I think, I get it from my dad), so some of my money is going to good use. A lot of it is the car I guess, but it is nice having it here.
Oh well, I don't really mind. These days for me, it's all about experiences. You can't put a price on a good time, and Oliver and I are certainly having that!

Off to Melbourne

Oliver and I are going to Melbourne today.

I haven't seen my Grandpa for a while, as he wasn't able to make it to Sam's funeral, so I have been very keen to get down there and see him. My mum's 5 brothers and sisters are down there too, so we will hopefully be very busy while we are there.
I would have liked it if Anthony could come, but he's busy doing our renovations. And when it comes down to it, it's my family, so I don't really mind.

It will be Ollie's first time in a plane (I wasn't going to drive down there if it's just the two of us - it's a very long way!), so I decided to make it an adventure for him.
I've booked us on Qantas, because they do little snacks and stuff, and will hopefully make him feel a little special. And I've bought him a couple of magazines and colouring books.
At first when I mentioned it, he said 'I'm not getting on a plane', but he changed his mind and we booked it. Last night he said he was a bit nervous, so hopefully he won't get upset or anything.

Well, I haven't finished packing, so off I go. I will post while we're down there.

...and then there's the unhelpful. 2nd try.

OK, so this one might be a little heavy. Sorry. But I must keep my promise to be honest and say everything that's on my mind. And it's time I said it.

Anthony and I have both changed since Sam died. Some of it for the better (Anthony is much more open and willing to talk; I have a much better approach to the work/life balance), but there are things that I notice that are not better. Some of it I have already spoken about and started addressing, some of it is stuff that will take a long time to work through.

Try as I might, I can't shake the bitter feeling I get sometimes. I get so angry about Samuel's death; how unfair it is that he had to go. Especially when there are so many people who waste the time they have. Samuel had so much potential. It sounds cliched but he truly could have done great things. He had the talent, the intelligence, the temperament, (some of) the drive...but it was all taken away from him. It makes me so angry to see people wasting the life they are lucky enough to have. Yes we all take things for granted, overindulge, make mistakes, but we function. We contribute to society: we create, we reproduce, we help each other, we share, we love, we LIVE. We're not perfect, but we're not a drain. But there are plenty of people that are.

One of these people is someone close to me. I get so angry with the way they let their life go past; hiding behind substances, making excuses and never taking responsibility for their actions. I know it's wrong to judge them (god knows I'm not perfect), but I can't help myself. Why should they have this life to waste when my beautiful boy didn't even get to live a fraction of his?

Before Sam died, I was fairly ambivalent about it - their life, let them f**k it up. For the most part I left them to it. But since he died all I feel is anger and resentment. I know this is not healthy for me, and for the most part I let it go, but there are times when I can't ignore it.

A lot of it is a protective instinct that I have noticed appears more often. I guess this is natural. I only have one child left with me now, and I am absolutely terrified of losing him as well. I am conscious of it though, I want to balance my need to protect him with my desire to let him have a happy, adventurous and full life. But I can protect him from people who are inconsistent and unreliable. When it starts to affect my life, and the lives of the people I love, that's when the tiger in me comes alive.

Recently, Oliver and I were going to meet this person. I had told Oliver we would be meeting them, and he was very excited; gathering all the things he was going to show them, to play with them. When we arrived I was told they 'couldn't handle' seeing us. OK, yes, it can be hard to see us. We're going through this grief thing, but goddammit, we are the ones that lost Sam! We're all going through this stuff. Surely it's better if we all go through this together?
The worst thing was, less than a week before, this person had offered to babysit Oliver. I had (politely) declined, knowing this person's tendency towards inconsistency. I find it difficult to accept such up and down behaviour, but there's no way I'm going to subject a grieving 6 year old boy to it. I can only imagine the confusion and terror he must feel sometimes. He is still so young, but having lost Samuel so unexpectedly: one minute fine, playing together, the next gone forever; must play on his mind. When someone he has come to care deeply for is one minute there, the next minute gone, it must be at the very least extremely disappointing. He doesn't express it in so many words, but he does say and do things that lead me to think this is the case.

I know this particular example sounds like nothing, but there is a lot more of this stuff in our history: one moment all smiles and wonderful companion, the next MIA without a word. I can't put my son through that! He's just lost his brother, one of the most important people in his life! He needs people to be there for him. All the time. Not just when it's convenient, or it doesn't hurt them.

Is it too much to ask? I don't think so. Oliver has so many people in his life that are there for him all the time. His friends and their parents go out of their way to include him; Anthony's brothers, foster sister and sisters-in-law organise special days, travel long distances to visit him, buy him special presents, write him letters and call him just to say hi. His teachers (and all the people at his school) try so hard to make school comfortable for him. His grandparents have gone above and beyond to make him feel special and loved and wanted. Even many of my friends (some of whom never met Samuel and don't really know Oliver) are welcoming and kind and generous. Every one of them is there when they say they'll be there. They all have problems, they are all grieving themselves, and they probably all find it hard to see us sometimes, but they know how important it is.

To me, anything else comes across as selfish. We all have faults. We all have weaknesses. We're all struggling through this world that's sometimes crazy, disappointing and damn hard, but the difference is that we don't let it stop us from living. And those of us that do, well sorry, but I don't have time for people like that. But that's OK. Because they don't have time for me either.

Easter? Nah...

Can you believe Easter is here already?

Not that I'm all that big on Easter. I've never been all that interested (except when I was a kid and chocolate was EVERYTHING!)
In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that I bowed to popular opinion and refused to risk having my kids ostracised at school for not believing in Santa/Easter Bunny, I would not celebrate either 'holiday'.

As it is, both are fairly low-key/non-traditional around here.
I go for a minimalist approach at Easter; occasionally hiding eggs, but that's about it.
Our Christmas tree is a grass tree dragged in off the deck (which strangely enough died this year, not long after Christmas), and we try to place more of an emphasis on people, not stuff. This does not always work, as one of my favourite things is giving people gifts, and I love to see the look on my kid's faces when I spoil them (but hey, I don't think Christmas is the only time I do that!)

I've never really got Easter. I know the story of resurrection etc, but I'm not really sure where chocolate and big white bunnies comes into it. As an atheist, I always feel a little uncomfortable celebrating Christmas; as it seems a little hypocritical. But Easter doesn't even seem to be celebrated as a religious holiday - more of a commercialised/obesity promoting day...

So, unlike Sam's birthday, and Mother's Day (coming up), Easter doesn't pull too many heartstrings for me. I'm sad of course (that never goes away), and enjoyed using him as an accomplice in the hiding eggs game, but it's not one of those 'holidays' that I anticipate for weeks ahead.

Having said that, tomorrow I am going to (try to) make some yummy home-made hot cross buns, and I think that will be the thing that gets me.
Why?
1, because Samuel loved hot cross buns, and
2, because Samuel was becoming a great cook. And I think this is something we would have done together.
We'll see how it goes.

Also tomorrow we're going to meet up with some family/friends, and have a egg hunt and fish dinner. (No, I don't normally stick to fish on Good Friday as a rule, we're just doing it because it's a good excuse to have a get together with people we love).
Samuel would have enjoyed that too. Despite being a teenager, he always enjoyed time with the family. We all miss him.

Celebrating Sam's Life. Part 2

This is the second post about the day we said goodbye to Sam (the first is here). It may be upsetting to some people. But I've gotta do it. I want to remember it. Don't read it if you will get upset.

When we went into the chapel to sit down, I noticed just how many people were there. All the seats were filled, and so was the foyer, and there were also people standing outside the foyer and in the courtyard to the side. I can't explain but it made me feel good to know that Samuel was so well thought of. We'd assumed there would be a few people there, but it was also 4 days after Christmas, so we knew that many people wouldn't be able to come.

Teenagers shouldn't have to go to a funeral
I was really pleased to see so many of Samuel's friends and school mates there. I know it must have been very hard for them, but we had really wanted them there. We deliberately included certain parts of the service to make them feel more comfortable. Right from the start we were so aware of the impact Sam's death would have on them. We were of course devastated, but to a teenager, your friends are your life. To have one suddenly die with no explanation must be such a blow. When you're a teenager you're supposed to be invincible!

As we sat down, 21 Guns by Green Day came on. We hadn't planned it at all, it was pure coincidence. This was a song that Sam loved, and it brought almost everyone to tears before the service had even begun.
John stood up and began his introductions. Then Anthony and I stood up to read the eulogy. I hadn't known until about 1 minute before I stood up that I would actually be able to. But I was surprised that we actually managed to get through it without breaking down.
Then my Dad spoke, giving all the thanks to everyone (I can never repay some people for what they did for me, especially on that day, but I did want to thank them publicly). He spoke very well too (I don't know where we found the strength!)
Then Anthony's brothers got up. James shared his memory of the concert trip, and reminded us of Samuel's love of a good steak, Tim talked about tickling Sam so much that he vomited (well, Sam did try to warn him), Phillip talked about their trip to the zoo where Sam got to feed the tiger and then 'tamed' the llama. There was apparently a llama at the zoo that would never come anywhere near people, but he walked up to Sam and ate out of his hand. Sam got his Dr Dolittle-ishness from Anthony I think. He always loved animals and was very gentle. I'm not really all that surprised about the llama.
Christopher got up and tapped the microphone. "I've always wanted to do that" he said, and everyone cracked up, which was nice. He then read "Do not stand at my grave and weep" (beautifully I might add). He then decided to go off on a bit of a tangent about space travel and such, but because we're all used to that, we were able to head him off without too much trouble (Christopher has autism and occasionally doesn't realise when it's time to stop talking).

Then they played the slideshow. I'd put together a slideshow of photos of Sam (many of them I have put up here). It was set to three songs:

• Last night on Earth - Green Day
• I miss you - Blink 182
• Home - Foo Fighters

We chose the songs very carefully. We wanted them to be songs that Samuel liked from bands he liked. These three bands were right up there with his favourites (as you know Green Day were his 2nd favourite after The Living End, but we just couldn't find one by them that we thought fit the occasion, and that wouldn't be too loud for some of the 'oldies' in attendance).
One evening - I think it was some time around Christmas, I can't remember - Anthony, Oliver and I went for a drive in the jeep; out the back of Tharwa where Anthony used to take the boys (and me sometimes) driving. We listened to a CD James had made for us, and thought about which songs would go well. The Green Day and Blink 182 songs were on there. I had always found the Foo Fighters one very poignant (I think I'd even like it played at my funeral), and as I've mentioned before, Samuel, Anthony and I (and even Ollie a little) shared a love of the Foo Fighters.
As you can imagine, after the slideshow there wasn't a dry eye in the house, so Lorraine (nanna) did pretty well to get up and talk. She passed on a message from Jonathon (Anthony's son from a previous relationship) and then passed back to John. While they were speaking (John read a message from Jake, Samuel's best friend), the big group of teenagers (Sam's friends and school mates) filed past the coffin and wrote lots of lovely messages on it. It was such a nice moment. A few of our other family and friends came up and wrote messages too.

Then John gave the committal and the coffin was lowered while they played the song 'Time of your life" by Green Day. This song was one of Sam's favourites anyway, and it kind of fit the day. We were also pretty blown away when we found the chords for it (and nothing else) in a folder in Sam's guitar case. I'd heard him playing "Fire Water Burn" by the Bloodhound Gang on the guitar, but not Green Day. I think we made a good choice. Some of the kids were writing "hope you had the time of your life" on the coffin, and they have been on the mural too.

After that we went outside and it was just like before the service. Lots of people, lots of hugs, lots of tears. It was nice but I was tired and shell-shocked and just wanted to stop. So when everyone had sort of filtered off, we went down to the wake. There were a few people there, and I was pleased to see a few of Sam's friends. They were very nice and made my cousin Sarah (who was almost exactly one year older than Sam) feel welcome.

It was only when I got to the wake that I felt myself relax. I had a beer (the first in a week - believe me, I hadn't felt like drinking at all up until then!), chatted to people, at some point had something to eat, and had a few more drinks. We had Sam's music and there was a really good vibe (well, as good as it could be). We shared stories about Sam and drank (and even laughed a little) and I felt a little bit of the tension ebb away.

They say the hardest part is the days leading up to the funeral (the business end, as a dear friend called it). I think they're right. I certainly felt a little better when it was all done. And I was even able to sleep a little that night (just a little).

Celebrating Sam's Life. Part 1

This post is about the day we said goodbye to Sam. It may be upsetting to some people. But I've gotta do it. I want to remember it. Don't read it if you will get upset.

I woke up early. Well, when I say I woke up, I mean I got up. We weren't really sleeping all that much in the first week. In fact, for the week we had pretty much camped in the lounge room together, pushing the lounges and the ottoman together in a big 'bed'. That's where we lay, not really sleeping, not really awake, just processing and being close to each other.

The Viewing
I don't remember much more of the morning, until 10, when we got ready to go to the viewing. Right from the start I had said that I did not want to see Sam, that I had a picture in my head that I didn't want erased. Mind you, I had seen him lying in that bed anyway, and every time I said that, it was that image that came to my mind, not the one I wanted to remember.
It wasn't until we got to the funeral home that I decided I wanted to look at him. In hindsight, I'm glad I did, but gee it was hard.
He looked great in the bright green Living End t-shirt, and the hemp jeans he had bought in Manly and was so proud of. His hair was clean and curly, like I remembered it, but there was something wrong (well, of course there was, he wasn't alive). He was too cold, too still.
The moment I saw him I broke down. I think it was then that it became a little bit real for me. I cried and cried and cried but couldn't bring myself to touch him. Finally I stroked his hair, said goodbye and put the note I had written for him in his pocket. That was enough for me. I sat in the chapel a little longer, while some of the others came in, then I went out into the waiting room. That was it for me. I didn't want to go back.

Before
The time between the viewing and the funeral is also a blur, but I think I had a nap.
James came to pick us up around 3pm. He drove us there in our car. I was pretty OK until we went round the roundabout into the crematorium. There were heaps of people standing outside the chapel, and I was pretty overwhelmed. James dropped us off around the back and I knew it would take a few minutes to 'get my shit together'. I went down to the toilet and actually hid when I saw someone coming out of there. I don't know who it was, but I wasn't ready.

A few minutes later we walked out to the front of the chapel. I couldn't believe how many people were there! The first person that came up was my mum. She gave me a hug and from then on, I couldn't stop the tears. So many people came up and hugged me, some I knew well, some I didn't. There were people there I hadn't seen in years, and family who had come from Melbourne. My uncle Steve had flown up just for the service. I remember breaking away from someone to hug my uncle Eric, who I'd just spotted behind them (I'm sorry if you were that person). I could hear the music we'd organised playing in the background: The Living End, Offspring, Foo Fighters, Blink 182, Green Day; it seemed weird but also so right.

Sam's Coffin
We'd specifically asked for no flowers, so I was happy to see how they had set up Sam's coffin. Phillip (the funeral director) had been so wonderful; so understanding and willing to accommodate anything we wanted to do. These are the things that were arranged on the coffin:

• His Green Day shirt. I've already talked about how special that was.

• His football: he wasn't a huge footy head (thank god!), but he was pretty active, and had worked hard to develop his fitness and skills over the past couple of years.

• A little guitar: we bought this for him at a little market in Fremantle. Significant because he was really getting into the guitar in the last couple of years. (As an interesting side-note; Sam had been Googling guitar chords and learning how to play his favourite songs. The first one in his folder in 'Time of your life' by Green Day. You'll see later why this is significant).

• The Mambo bag. There were two reasons for this: he loved surfwear, especially Rip Curl and Mambo; and the bag appealed to his sense of humour, which we wanted to highlight. He thought the bag was so funny, he bought a t-shirt so he could get it (truth told, he probably did want the shirt too!), and then hung the bag up on his bedroom wall.

• The hat. I'm not really sure why we included this. Sam was always a good hat wearer. and had a heap of them, but maybe it was just because a couple of my favourite photos of Sam included the hat:

We were very happy with how it looked. There was also a big, framed picture of him too:
More later.
xx