The Heebie-Jeebies

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.

Edmund Burke

While we were on our holidays, like every good visitor to far north NSW/Queensland, we visited the theme parks. Movie World and Sea World were quite fun for all of us (with Sea World being our favourite), but Wet n' Wild proved to be most challenging.

As you may know, Wet n' Wild is a water park. Full of water slides. Big, long, fast, scary water slides.
And it just so happens that I'm terrified fairly nervous when it comes to those big, wet, winding beasts.
I don't know where it comes from, but I do know I've been scared of water slides my whole life. I guess you could call it a phobia.

Some of you may be wondering why I'd put myself through a whole day in this hell. Luckily there are other things to keep me interested. I love water, and there is a wave pool, a very cool kiddy water play area, and a cool 'river' where you just jump on an inner tube and float around and around. This is my idea of fun. And, I do like watching my family having fun on the slides too.

'Cause they do like them. Anthony loves water slides (though he will only go in the water if it's really, really hot outside); Sam loved them too (he had a fabulous time at our local - much lamer - water park with his school only a couple of days before he died); and Oliver is beginning what will probably be a lifelong love of them too (although, he does prefer the lower, smaller, slower ones at this point). Luckily for him there was a small slide at the caravan park we stayed in, and he had lots of fun on that.

This slide was also the origin of my downfall.
Because I went on it. Quite a number of times. And came to the conclusion that it was actually quite fun.

So when we got to Wet n' Wild, I naturally thought that I had been magically cured of my phobia. After all, I've successfully conquered my spider squeamishness and my up-high upsets (well, sort of - you probably won't catch me skydiving any time soon). This new 'can do, live for the moment' attitude I've manufactured over the past couple of years has certainly been a factor in these turnarounds, and I was all set to attribute my new water slide loving persona to it too.

How silly I was. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was caught up in the excitement. People everywhere, warm sun (but freezing water!) and an excited family...
When we got to Wet n' Wild, we tried to take Oliver onto a fairly tame (I guess) slide first up. Pretty much a replica of the big yellow slides you get in the sideshow, except wet. We picked up our mats and were halfway up the stairs when Oliver baulked. We tried talking him into it, but he got upset, so we turned around and went back down.
Then we went for a walk and found the 'boat slide'; where everyone sits in the same rubber boat to go down. Once again, we got halfway up the stairs and Oli decided it wasn't for him (though he cleverly disguised it as needing to go to the toilet).

By this time, Anthony was a little frustrated, but declined to go off on his own, so we walked around a bit, floated down the river, went in the wave pool and had some lunch. Oli had a bit of a play in the kiddy park and then they finally decided they would go on a slide.

They chose what is probably the tamest and slowest slide at Wet n' Wild - a long, windy (but not too steep) slide set on a hill. I decided I would watch them go down.
Of course, Oliver loved it (Anthony found it a bit slow and lame), and it looked OK to me too; little kids and old ladies regularly popped off the end looking quite happy. So when Oliver decided to go on it again, I thought I would join him.

Well, I got all the way to the top of the hill, all the way to the front of the (30 minute wait) line.

Then I froze.

I saw the water gushing down, the steep(ish) drop at the beginning, and I couldn't do it. I even had a bit of a panic attack: quickened pulse, shallow breathing, nausea, even tears - though I managed to swallow them until I had successfully (yet sheepishly) made my way past the grannies and toddlers waiting to hurtle their way down.

I regret that I didn't just do it anyway, I really do. Because I didn't show Oliver that day that it's good to be scared but that you can have a go anyway. And deep down, I know I would have liked it too. But I didn't. Because I was scared.

Perhaps one day I'll be able to do it. But this time I didn't. Fear is a funny thing, isn't it?

What are you scared of?

Swimming...

All this water lately (the incessant downpours, the lovely little pool I've been coming home to on these super hot afternoons) has had me thinking about swimming.

Samuel loved the water. It may have something to do with the fact that he was a pisces (if you believe in all that stuff), or that his mother's also a bit of a waterbaby (and I'm a fire sign, so go figure..)

Anyhoo, one of the things that Samuel and I did together regularly was swim. From the time he was about 11, we'd go out weekly (on a Monday or a Wednesday 'cause there was stuff on TV the other nights!) for a late evening swim.

We'd get Anthony and Oliver organised, and once Oli was in bed we'd head off to the pool. Sometimes we'd walk there, and sometimes we'd drive. Mostly depending on how freezing the air was outside.

We had a little routine too. We'd get in the pool and do a few laps, then we'd float a bit, then swim underwater to the shallow end and get out. If we were at the big pool down the road, we'd get in the bubbles for a bit, but if it was the local one, we'd just hit the showers.

We didn't spend a lot of time talking (it's hard to do that when your head's in the water), but those times featured some of our best conversations.
One night we talked about colleges, and which one would be the best one for Sam to go to: the closest one, or one that had a subject he really liked. Of course he didn't really know what he liked then (he was in year 7 or 8 at the time), but he was already thinking about it. I remember telling him that he should just go somewhere that he'd be happy. As long as he did well there, the college that he actually went to wouldn't affect his future too much.

I'd always pick those nights to ask him about girls. He was always really cagey about it - not giving too much away. I still don't know whether he ever got to kiss a girl...

We talked about his brother, and the future, and the problems he had with his dad from time to time (they clashed a bit, those two, but loved each other dearly).

He even helped me to swim better. One night, he watch me doing backstroke up the pool, wobbling from one side of the lane to another. "Mum, you've got to keep your arm closer to your ear," he said. So I did. And I still do. Every time I do backstroke I hear his voice in my head telling me to tuck my arm in.

I miss those times.

Ahhhh...

It's been a heck of a week. I've been so incredibly busy it's been hard to stop and take a breath.
But it's been a good one.

The best part was our trip to Jervis Bay on the weekend.

When I drove down with Clint (my colleague) on Friday, it was wet and miserable and I thought it was going to be an awful, wet weekend. But by Saturday morning, the sun had come out, the wind had died down, and it was just lovely.

We packed a fair bit into the 4 days we were there. Clint and I worked at the school on the Friday and Monday, and what a lovely little school it is. How's this for picturesque:

 Yes, that's the bay in the background. The kids often go for walks down there, apparently.

The bay is simply gorgeous! Beautiful white sandy beaches:

clear water, lots of lovely little towns and forests,













and a cool old lighthouse:

The boys had a good time. We swam, went for a nice little sightseeing drive (I could easily move to Corrorong right now if I had $500000). We saw lots of kangaroos (the Navy base we stayed on was densely populated with them - the street we stayed in had 20 times as many kangaroos than residents!); an echidna that we had to move off the road to drive past:

There was the tame possum that hung out in the backyard:

As well as beautiful parrots, lizards and other funky wildlife - what a treat for a 7 year old (and a animal loving 39 year old!).
They also liked climbing on the rocks in Nowra and near Honeymoon Bay (what a gorgeous spot that is!)

 

And I fell in love with this spooky house (called Reganville) near Culburra Beach. Doesn't it look like something out of a horror movie??

 

It certainly sparked my desire to move closer to the sea. In fact I think I like this area even better than The Bega Valley! It's a pity that real estate prices are a little higher there too. But by the end of the weekend, Anthony and I (and Oli) were talking about getting me a job in the school so we could move there. You never know...

All in all, a lovely weekend. Followed by an enormously busy week (which is not over yet!), but I will hopefully manage a bit of relaxing on the weekend. I'll keep you posted.

Water - from happy to healing

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea. ~Isak Dinesen

This week, Blog This issued a photographic challenge: water.
I started looking through my photos, thinking that perhaps I'd find some fantastic beach sunset photo that I could post.
I do have some nice beach sunset photos; from Perth (from Cottesloe Beach):
and Melbourne (from Frankston Beach):
Which are lovely, really (isn't it amazing that no matter where you go, the sunset looks great over the ocean?).
But while I was looking through, I kept noticing a whole lot of other water photos, which happen to coincide with some wonderful memories, moments and milestones in my life.

There's the obligatory bath photo:
And the solitary "walk along the beach" photo,
Which help remind me how much my kids love (loved) the water - from the bathroom to the beach.

There's the photos that remind me of happier times with my family, like our first real holiday as a family of four, when we first discovered the beautiful town of Merimbula:
Or when we spent a lovely 10 days in Brisbane, with much of our time spent by the pool:
There are the memories of simple summer evenings spent down by the river:
The times when fears won (Samuel would not go out on the water):
And the other times where fears were conquered, and new passions begun:
(it took all our powers of persuasion to get Sam onto the boat, but once he was out at sea, he was a convert, and headed out to sea as much as he could, mostly with his friend Ryan).

The water was where my beautiful oldest child showed his nurturing side, at a time when little brothers were the biggest pains ever:
And then there are the photos that remind me of what has been taken away from me.
(Samuel loved waterslides, and actually visited this pool complex just 4 days before he died).

And then, after all that we have been through, when it seemed like there might be nothing that would ever give us joy again, there are the photos that remind me that there is still some joy in the world. That water helped us start to heal.
I've been a 'water baby' all my life. I love the water in all its forms. And despite the fact that the most water I've seen this year is the tears that I've cried for my boy, I know that there is a little hope.

You can see the other posts in this challenge (and vote for your favourite from Thursday 10/6/10). Just click here.