Why can't this be a dream?
I had a really bad dream the other night (causing me to wake up at 4.30am!), where someone I love dearly had died. At the time, I woke up truly believing it, and was quite worried until I talked to them.
I wish I could wake up to find out Sam was still alive.
I hate walking past his empty, cold bedroom every day. I hate it, but I need to do it. It's sometimes the only way I feel close to him.
I hate walking through the shopping centre and seeing teenagers having fun and causing chaos (just like he used to do with his friends on Friday nights).
I hate walking out of a movie (last one was Iron Man 2) thinking 'Sam would have liked that'.
I hate seeing ads for new TV shows that Sam loved (like The Gruen Transfer). And wondering why I go out of my way to watch Top Gear only now, when I used to let him watch it alone.
I hate knowing I'll never get to teach him how to drive. I had already been making plans to give him my car.
I hate seeing ads for colleges and high school open nights, and knowing he won't ever get there.
I hate not knowing what to do with his ashes.
I want him back, and it's not fair.
Showing posts with label reminders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reminders. Show all posts
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Another month passes
It's 3 months today since my beautiful Sam left us forever.
Some days it seems like so long ago, other days it seems like only yesterday.
I hadn't even registered it at first. When I left for work this morning, Anthony was a little upset, but didn't really say anything. I was cranky when I got to work but couldn't work out why. Then, about halfway through the morning session a kid came up with 19/3/10 on their work and I said 'that's not today's date'.
Then I realised today was the 22nd.
I managed to have an OK day, but was a little cranky and impatient. Not very good at expressing myself at the staff meeting either.
I miss you so much Sam. Everything I saw on the way home today reminded me of you: the teenage boy pushing a trolley for his mum at the deli, the checkout operators, the kid (no helmet!) riding along by the road, the teen running with his little sister (?) on the oval...all those things you'll never do again. It pisses me off. I'd do anything to have you back.
Some days it seems like so long ago, other days it seems like only yesterday.
I hadn't even registered it at first. When I left for work this morning, Anthony was a little upset, but didn't really say anything. I was cranky when I got to work but couldn't work out why. Then, about halfway through the morning session a kid came up with 19/3/10 on their work and I said 'that's not today's date'.
Then I realised today was the 22nd.
I managed to have an OK day, but was a little cranky and impatient. Not very good at expressing myself at the staff meeting either.
I miss you so much Sam. Everything I saw on the way home today reminded me of you: the teenage boy pushing a trolley for his mum at the deli, the checkout operators, the kid (no helmet!) riding along by the road, the teen running with his little sister (?) on the oval...all those things you'll never do again. It pisses me off. I'd do anything to have you back.
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