This is hard

Some times I wonder when the veneer is going to crack. When it will all fall apart. When I will fall apart.
When I talk to people about Sam, I'm met with various responses, but most of them include some kind of a reference to how well I'm 'coping', and how they would find it so hard.

I know that I've reacted to Sam's death differently to many people might expect. Definitely differently to the grieving parents you see in the movies or on TV. Yes, in the first few days/weeks/months I had some fairly typical reactions. But more often than not I put on my happy face.

I have always thought that this was because of the kind of person that I am. The happy-go-lucky optimist. The girl who's always smiling. The girl who keeps it all together and supports everyone else.
And in some ways it probably was. But then other days I wonder if it's all just an act. If one day I'm going to lose it and become the vacant, brooding grief-stricken mother a la Nicole Kidman or Rachel Weisz. I'm a little scared of that, I've gotta admit. 'Cause what if I do?

Someone told me the other day that I was 'inspirational'. I don't feel inspirational. Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

I've been cranky lately, mainly because I'm busy (with the accompanying guilt), but also because people I know are doing stupid things, and my house is a mess, and it's cold, and I don't know what's happening with my job, and because I've got so much weight to lose (again), and because I miss Sam. So bloody much it's not funny.

Some exciting news

Yesterday, I found out that I have been shortlisted for a Public Education Award. Obviously not a teaching award, rather in the category of 'Outstanding Education Support'. It definitely came as a surprise, albeit a very lovely one.

Now I have to wait until next Friday, when I will get dressed up and go to a fancy ceremony to find out if I have won or not. I probably won't, but as they say, 'it's nice to be nominated'!

Speaking of winning, voting has opened in the Blog This challenge. This one was about Changing the World. Possibly my clunkiest and definitely my ugliest post to date. But if it got you thinking, you might consider voting. You'll find the link on the left hand side of this page.

Thanks! And wish me luck!

Checking in

Still here, just busy again. I've been a bit cranky lately and not really motivated to post. But I'll be back tonight with something. Hopefully.

Me & My Green Thumb...

I quite enjoy gardening.

Not all types. Not the 'dig lots and lots and move dirt around but do nothing much else' type, but gardening when I can grow stuff and actually see it growing and then get something from it at the end.

Which is why I grow a lot of food. I've mentioned before about my dreams for the simple life, and the more I get out in my garden, the more I yearn for my little acreage.

Over the last couple of weekends, I've been doing a lot of gardening. I've cleared out and harvested a lot of vegies, including 7 lovely butternut pumpkins, lots of very cute little capsicums, and several kilos of tomatoes, including this whopper,

which we barbecued this morning and ate with our lovely brunch.

I've also done lots of planting. I've planted a heap of onions (red and brown), as well as garlic, leeks, spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, artichokes, silverbeet, carrots and cabbage.

There's something very satisfying about picking food from your own backyard and eating it. Not only is it much cheaper than buying it, but it's also much more tasty (even when I buy plants from Bunnings, which I try not to do too often) than the shop-bought stuff, and I know exactly what's gone into growing it. Absolutely no pesticides or even fertiliser (apart from animal poop in the soil - usually from our chooks). Totally organic.

A while ago, Anthony and I decided that we were going to replace as much as we can in our garden with food-bearing plants. We've got a 1/4 acre block (and a tiny 3 bedroom house), so we've got a fair bit of outdoor space. At the moment, this is what we have:

Ongoing plants:

• Apples (5 varieties)
• Oranges (2 varities - one with about 12 lovely oranges almost ready to pick!)
• Pears (2 varieties)
• Cherry 
• Pomegranite
• Passionfruit
• Kiwifruit (no fruit from them yet, but we're hoping for next year1)
• Almond
• Blackberry
• Boysenberry
• Blueberry
• Raspberry
• Strawberry (3 varieties)
• Red Currant
• Asparagus
• Rhubarb
• Artichoke
• Parsley
• Thyme
• Oregano
• Marjoram
• Chives
• Comfrey
• Chamomile
• Lemon Grass
• Saffron (lovely flowers with the very expensive golden stuff attached!)
• Silverbeet (it's annual, but keeps self-seeding in the same spot)

And we also regularly plant:

• Lettuce
• Onion
• Corn
• Sunflower (actually, they self-seed, you've seen my enormous ones!)
• Potatoes
• Tomatoes (they self-seed too, I haven't deliberately planted a tomato seed in at least 5 years!)
• Capsicums
• Squash/Pumpkins/Zucchini
• Basil
• Chillis
• Peas/snow peas

We've also got plans in the future (once we find a place for them!) to plant peaches/apricots, limes, mandarins, black currants, cranberries and hopefully some olives, a mulberry and a walnut tree (although I may have to wait for my big block of land for more trees!)

As I said, something very satisfying in growing food. And people don't usually mind taking the extras off my hands (although I did have trouble offloading my squash this year!).

The more I do it, the more I wish I had a job like Jackie French. You know, writing books or newspaper columns and spending the rest of my time pottering around the garden. I guess I have to hone my writing skills a bit, but it is possible! I'm making it my '45 plan'. I'll tell you about that next...

Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
Daniel Burnham

The Second Mother's Day

"Celebration" days like Mother's Day will always be a little bit tricky. Mainly because there are always reminders of Sam in them. Mother's Day particularly because what mother would want to celebrate when one of her children is gone forever?

But in the spirit of 'going on', which as you know I am pretty good at. I put the sad thoughts behind me (for the most part) ans set about having a nice day. Hope you don't mind a blow-by-blow...

I woke reasonably early, and looked at the photos of Sam on the wall, a bit of quiet reflection time before anyone else awoke. Get the 'sad bits' out of the way early.

I knew that Oliver had intended to get me breakfast, and sure enough when he noticed I was awake he came in and asked me what I wanted to eat. We've never really done breakfast in bed before (I usually am the first up by a long way), and I wasn't really hungry yet, so I told him to give me a while, thinking he and Anthony could sort it out.

When Anthony got up, he noticed that the gate was open, and was worried about Merlin (our 16 year old dog who does tend to wander off when the gate is open), so being the little bit of a drama queen that he is, he made a fuss and I jumped up with the intention of going to look for Merlin.
Who was of course safe in the yard. But by then I was up anyway.

Oliver had made me a nice card, with this message:

To Mum

Have a rily good muthers day and just rembr that I love you so so so so so mutch. From Oliver

Awwwwww! He'd also made me a poster with a picture of him on it and a door hanger that says 'Mum resting'. Very cute.



The boys also bought me a pair of slippers and promised foot rubs and massages (yet to be delivered).

We went over to Phil and Laura's for brunch, which was lovely. A very nice meal in the sunshine with some great company. Oliver came back covered in blueberry juice:

We lay around on the couch watching 'King Kong' and then I went out and did some gardening. I'm now waiting for dinner, as the boys debate what thy're going to do. I told them that I don't care - I'm definitely not cooking! Anthony doesn't really cook (apart from toast and heating up the odd pie), so I'm sure it will be interesting!

After dinner, we'll curl up on the lounge together and watch a movie. Then I'll get my foot rub and massage.

A pretty nice day I think. Only one thing missing....

A beautiful time of year...

Today I was going to write about the whole Bin Laden thing, but decided that it's already been done to death (pun not intended). And this quote that's been doing the rounds (minus the bit that was apparently wrongly attributed to MLK) pretty much sums up my feelings on it all:

Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

So instead, I thought I'd wax lyrical about autumn. If you've never been to Canberra at this time of the year, you should. Yes, it is a little cold, but the scenery more than makes up for it.

As it is a 'garden city' there are lots and lots of trees. Now as you know, I love trees at the best of times, of course because they are our planet's life force, but also because of cool stuff like this:

A tree that fell over but kept growing!

And while many of the trees in Canberra are gum trees and evergreens (especially where I live), there are enough deciduous trees to make autumn a glorious time of year. It's amazing that something as simple as a tree can produce such an amazing range of colours. And they way they look against other trees is such a great effect.
For example, here are some photos I've taken while out walking over the past couple of days:

  And here are a couple I took last year, when I was specifically chasing autumn photos:

In autumn, many of the days are warm and sunny, but I can snuggle up under a warm doona with my best man on the chilly nights. There are piles of leaves everywhere, and it's still so much fun to walk through them, kicking them around, even picking them up and throwing them at people. Sometimes, I even find little piles to drive through, and I watch in my rearview mirror as they float around crazily, then settle back down onto the road to give the next person a simple little thrill.

Ahhh lovely...