I have a very long and intimate connection with depression.
And that's why I know I'm possibly on the way there...
After Samuel was born, I suffered from Post-natal depression. It wasn't severe, and I recovered quickly (it wasn't even until afterward that I knew what it was).
A bit later on (but before Oliver) I had proper, diagnosed depression, but once again, it wasn't too serious. I was never medicated or anything, just made aware of it.
Then, just last year, a counsellor told me I had 'depletion depression' - that is, depression caused by being a 'super mum' and being all things to all people.
And then of course, there's Anthony's depression. Not something I'm particularly interested in rehashing here, but back in 2006 we went through a pretty rough time when he had a fairly serious breakdown.
So I guess you could say that I'm familiar with depression, and all that comes along with it. I know how it feels, and I know how hard it is to live with.
So when I started feeling sad, worthless, listless, hopeless...(etc) I knew that I'd probably be better off paying attention to my mental health.
So I'll go and see a doctor this week. Don't worry readers (especially you mum and dad!), I'm aware of it, so that's gotta mean something, doesn't it?? This is, after all, an honest representation of my life (and my grief journey), so I do need to be honest, don't I??
xx
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Saturday's Sensational Six
I didn't think I was going to get them in today. But here I am!
Oh what beautiful eyes you have...
My Dad has given me his camera to fiddle with, and perhaps I'll buy it off him. I must say it does take some nice photos!
More fiddling with Dad's camera. I do like the way it focuses!
This week's challenge was ''Whimsical Winter". I wasn't enormously inspired (it's been a tough week), but it's better than nothing!
I'm going to redo the lessons with Dad's camera when I get a moment. This one is nice, if not a little overexposed. I was testing out the longer range lens.
A photo of Sam
Oh what beautiful eyes you have...A photo of Oliver
My Dad has given me his camera to fiddle with, and perhaps I'll buy it off him. I must say it does take some nice photos!An old photo
Not long after we brought Sam home from hospital.
Not long after we brought Sam home from hospital.
An Interesting Photo
More fiddling with Dad's camera. I do like the way it focuses!
This week's challenge was ''Whimsical Winter". I wasn't enormously inspired (it's been a tough week), but it's better than nothing!Morguefile Lesson Photos
I'm going to redo the lessons with Dad's camera when I get a moment. This one is nice, if not a little overexposed. I was testing out the longer range lens.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Another funeral
It was pretty awful.
I'm going to say now that I hate that it always comes back to Sam, but then again, it's always going to, isn't it?
I am very sad for my friends, and very sad for the group of people who are close to them and their daughter, who now have to start grieving. She was a lovely girl, and it was obvious by the number of people at her funeral that she was very well loved.
I had only met her a couple of times. I remember her as sweet, and gentle and very friendly. Her funeral was very moving and lovely, with some beautiful moments - when her mother, brother and sisters got up and spoke; when one of K's friends spoke beautifully; when one of her teachers spoke the words many people were obviously thinking.
When they were describing her, I was reminded of myself as a teenager. She was always trying to help people, always smiling, didn't like seeing people unhappy, wanted to be friends with everyone, not just one little group of people (and sometimes some of those little groups got angry with her). That was what I was like at school too. It's what I'm like now too, sometimes. Her birthday was 2 days before mine, too. Perhaps it's a Sagittarius thing.
But I have to admit, my thoughts did keep coming back to Sam. Their funerals were so different, and yet so similar. I certainly cried more at K's funeral than I did at Samuel's. Lots more. Especially afterwards.
I guess there are going to be lots more times that I feel this overwhelmed by grief. And it will be a long time before things are good or normal.
I'm having a day off today because I just feel so drained. I've had a little cold on and off for a few weeks now, but it's not really that. I think it's been building up for a couple of weeks now. I've got a terrible headache that is probably stress related, and my body just feels so sore and tired. I'm sure it's all stress, but I'm just going to have a quiet, nothing day.
Looks like Oliver will too.
When we picked him up yesterday after the funeral, he said "so many people are dying". I thought: what a sad thing for a six year old boy to have to be thinking about.
But I've gotta admit, it's exactly what I was thinking too. First, of course there was the Sam thing, which we're all having trouble adjusting to. Then there was my best friend's grandmother last week (which was sad, because of how my friend was feeling, but a different kind of sad, because, after all, she was 90). Then there was K. So much death. Too many unnecessary deaths!
I guess he's worried about who's going to die next. I know that thought's always in the back of my mind. I told him that people die all the time, it just happens that lately it's been people that we know. I also told him that no one we know is likely to die any time soon.
He didn't ask any more questions, and was fairly chirpy after that, so hopefully it's not worrying him too much.
But we're going to have a day off together today. I know it sounds like I'm a terrible mother, not sending him to school, but I don't care. He has got a weird looking rash on his arms, so I will take him to the doctor, but really, it's more of a mental health day for both of us.
I'm going to say now that I hate that it always comes back to Sam, but then again, it's always going to, isn't it?
I am very sad for my friends, and very sad for the group of people who are close to them and their daughter, who now have to start grieving. She was a lovely girl, and it was obvious by the number of people at her funeral that she was very well loved.
I had only met her a couple of times. I remember her as sweet, and gentle and very friendly. Her funeral was very moving and lovely, with some beautiful moments - when her mother, brother and sisters got up and spoke; when one of K's friends spoke beautifully; when one of her teachers spoke the words many people were obviously thinking.
When they were describing her, I was reminded of myself as a teenager. She was always trying to help people, always smiling, didn't like seeing people unhappy, wanted to be friends with everyone, not just one little group of people (and sometimes some of those little groups got angry with her). That was what I was like at school too. It's what I'm like now too, sometimes. Her birthday was 2 days before mine, too. Perhaps it's a Sagittarius thing.
But I have to admit, my thoughts did keep coming back to Sam. Their funerals were so different, and yet so similar. I certainly cried more at K's funeral than I did at Samuel's. Lots more. Especially afterwards.
I guess there are going to be lots more times that I feel this overwhelmed by grief. And it will be a long time before things are good or normal.
I'm having a day off today because I just feel so drained. I've had a little cold on and off for a few weeks now, but it's not really that. I think it's been building up for a couple of weeks now. I've got a terrible headache that is probably stress related, and my body just feels so sore and tired. I'm sure it's all stress, but I'm just going to have a quiet, nothing day.
Looks like Oliver will too.
When we picked him up yesterday after the funeral, he said "so many people are dying". I thought: what a sad thing for a six year old boy to have to be thinking about.
But I've gotta admit, it's exactly what I was thinking too. First, of course there was the Sam thing, which we're all having trouble adjusting to. Then there was my best friend's grandmother last week (which was sad, because of how my friend was feeling, but a different kind of sad, because, after all, she was 90). Then there was K. So much death. Too many unnecessary deaths!
I guess he's worried about who's going to die next. I know that thought's always in the back of my mind. I told him that people die all the time, it just happens that lately it's been people that we know. I also told him that no one we know is likely to die any time soon.
He didn't ask any more questions, and was fairly chirpy after that, so hopefully it's not worrying him too much.
But we're going to have a day off together today. I know it sounds like I'm a terrible mother, not sending him to school, but I don't care. He has got a weird looking rash on his arms, so I will take him to the doctor, but really, it's more of a mental health day for both of us.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Water - from happy to healing
The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea. ~Isak Dinesen
This week, Blog This issued a photographic challenge: water.
I started looking through my photos, thinking that perhaps I'd find some fantastic beach sunset photo that I could post.
I do have some nice beach sunset photos; from Perth (from Cottesloe Beach):
and Melbourne (from Frankston Beach):
Which are lovely, really (isn't it amazing that no matter where you go, the sunset looks great over the ocean?).
But while I was looking through, I kept noticing a whole lot of other water photos, which happen to coincide with some wonderful memories, moments and milestones in my life.
There's the obligatory bath photo:
And the solitary "walk along the beach" photo,
Which help remind me how much my kids love (loved) the water - from the bathroom to the beach.
There's the photos that remind me of happier times with my family, like our first real holiday as a family of four, when we first discovered the beautiful town of Merimbula:
Or when we spent a lovely 10 days in Brisbane, with much of our time spent by the pool:
There are the memories of simple summer evenings spent down by the river:
The times when fears won (Samuel would not go out on the water):
And the other times where fears were conquered, and new passions begun:
(it took all our powers of persuasion to get Sam onto the boat, but once he was out at sea, he was a convert, and headed out to sea as much as he could, mostly with his friend Ryan).
The water was where my beautiful oldest child showed his nurturing side, at a time when little brothers were the biggest pains ever:
And then there are the photos that remind me of what has been taken away from me.
(Samuel loved waterslides, and actually visited this pool complex just 4 days before he died).
And then, after all that we have been through, when it seemed like there might be nothing that would ever give us joy again, there are the photos that remind me that there is still some joy in the world.
That water helped us start to heal.
I've been a 'water baby' all my life. I love the water in all its forms. And despite the fact that the most water I've seen this year is the tears that I've cried for my boy, I know that there is a little hope.
You can see the other posts in this challenge (and vote for your favourite from Thursday 10/6/10). Just click here.
I started looking through my photos, thinking that perhaps I'd find some fantastic beach sunset photo that I could post.
I do have some nice beach sunset photos; from Perth (from Cottesloe Beach):
and Melbourne (from Frankston Beach):
Which are lovely, really (isn't it amazing that no matter where you go, the sunset looks great over the ocean?).But while I was looking through, I kept noticing a whole lot of other water photos, which happen to coincide with some wonderful memories, moments and milestones in my life.
There's the obligatory bath photo:
And the solitary "walk along the beach" photo,
Which help remind me how much my kids love (loved) the water - from the bathroom to the beach.There's the photos that remind me of happier times with my family, like our first real holiday as a family of four, when we first discovered the beautiful town of Merimbula:
Or when we spent a lovely 10 days in Brisbane, with much of our time spent by the pool:
There are the memories of simple summer evenings spent down by the river:
The times when fears won (Samuel would not go out on the water):
And the other times where fears were conquered, and new passions begun:
(it took all our powers of persuasion to get Sam onto the boat, but once he was out at sea, he was a convert, and headed out to sea as much as he could, mostly with his friend Ryan).The water was where my beautiful oldest child showed his nurturing side, at a time when little brothers were the biggest pains ever:
And then there are the photos that remind me of what has been taken away from me.
(Samuel loved waterslides, and actually visited this pool complex just 4 days before he died).And then, after all that we have been through, when it seemed like there might be nothing that would ever give us joy again, there are the photos that remind me that there is still some joy in the world.
That water helped us start to heal.
I've been a 'water baby' all my life. I love the water in all its forms. And despite the fact that the most water I've seen this year is the tears that I've cried for my boy, I know that there is a little hope.You can see the other posts in this challenge (and vote for your favourite from Thursday 10/6/10). Just click here.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Get this out of my system first
I've got a post planned, but I just wanted to do a little venting (complaining?) first. Sorry if it's 'rambly' and hard to read.
I've gotta admit, I'm struggling a little with the death of K. She was almost exactly the same age as Samuel was when he died, and it's all hitting a little too close to home. She had an asthma attack, which I must admit was what I thought had happened to Samuel for a long time.
I know that each case is different, and I'm so sad for her parents and her family and friends, but I'm also sad because of how much it reminds me of Sam's death. And how much I keep thinking that this stuff just should not happen!
I had been feeling a little sorry for myself anyway, as you know. It just seemed to be a whole lot of things that keep piling on. The inquest had come to an end (we received the updated, final death certificate today). The weather has been getting colder and more miserable. My best friend's grandmother died last week, and we went to her funeral on Thursday. I'd taken Oliver to the doctor and found out there's a chance he might have to have surgery (very minor surgery to have one of his testicles brought down, but I was freaking out about any kind of anesthetic - pathetic I know!). Work has been ultra busy. No one really comes to my Sunday drinks any more :( That person I've mentioned before was back to their old ways...things were just, well, shitty.
Then of course a tragedy like this happens, and you feel a little bit guilty that you were worried about the weather.
So it's been a pretty sad few days. I've been watching on Facebook as a page is set up for K, and people have been writing beautiful messages.
When Sam died, I suspended my account and logged out of Facebook for at least a month (I can't remember exactly how long), because I couldn't face that same outpouring. Funnily enough, once I logged back on, I couldn't get enough of the messages and wonderful support I received on there. I hope that K's family is getting something out of that.
It's not that we're close to K's family, not really. I went to high school with K's dad; I've had coffee with the family once before, and we talk on Facebook a bit, just general stuff that happens between people that are busy living.
But now, somehow we feel a connection. I hate that a connection could be formed over something so horrible, but it's there (Anthony and I have talked about it and we both feel the same). That's where all this 'searching for kindred spirits' came from.
As I've mentioned, when Samuel died, I went looking for people that felt the same way as me. Who had some kind of understanding of what I was going through. It wasn't that I felt that my family and friends were not supportive, because they were, but I wanted to talk to people who knew what it was like to have a great hole cut out of your life; one that can never be filled.
At first, I didn't have much luck; the first group I found online was way too religious for my liking! There are a couple that I have found since then, like Kate, Jaimee and Tammy (thanks girls); and I have found some good support back on Essential Baby.
But this need to reach out; to find other people who had this horrible, traumatic, life changing event envelop their lives was one of the main reasons that I started this blog. If I couldn't find them, I'd pour my heart out into the (cyber) space. Part of me (the part that always makes people want to feel better), also thought that maybe I'd be able to help someone through all of it too.
And I really want to help K's parents. Desperately! I hate that someone else has to go through all this. Someone that I know. This stuff is not supposed to happen!
I went over to see them on Saturday, not knowing if I would be a help, or just a nuisance; someone who just brought them down. I'm hoping it was the former. And I'll do anything else that I can to help them.
On Thursday, Anthony and I will go along to K's funeral. There was never any doubt that we would.
But in the end, there's nothing anyone can do. Those of us who get lumped with this horrible burden go through it so differently. There doesn't seem to be a right way, or a wrong way, just the way that's going to get us through to the other side.
I've gotta admit, I'm struggling a little with the death of K. She was almost exactly the same age as Samuel was when he died, and it's all hitting a little too close to home. She had an asthma attack, which I must admit was what I thought had happened to Samuel for a long time.
I know that each case is different, and I'm so sad for her parents and her family and friends, but I'm also sad because of how much it reminds me of Sam's death. And how much I keep thinking that this stuff just should not happen!
I had been feeling a little sorry for myself anyway, as you know. It just seemed to be a whole lot of things that keep piling on. The inquest had come to an end (we received the updated, final death certificate today). The weather has been getting colder and more miserable. My best friend's grandmother died last week, and we went to her funeral on Thursday. I'd taken Oliver to the doctor and found out there's a chance he might have to have surgery (very minor surgery to have one of his testicles brought down, but I was freaking out about any kind of anesthetic - pathetic I know!). Work has been ultra busy. No one really comes to my Sunday drinks any more :( That person I've mentioned before was back to their old ways...things were just, well, shitty.
Then of course a tragedy like this happens, and you feel a little bit guilty that you were worried about the weather.
So it's been a pretty sad few days. I've been watching on Facebook as a page is set up for K, and people have been writing beautiful messages.
When Sam died, I suspended my account and logged out of Facebook for at least a month (I can't remember exactly how long), because I couldn't face that same outpouring. Funnily enough, once I logged back on, I couldn't get enough of the messages and wonderful support I received on there. I hope that K's family is getting something out of that.
It's not that we're close to K's family, not really. I went to high school with K's dad; I've had coffee with the family once before, and we talk on Facebook a bit, just general stuff that happens between people that are busy living.
But now, somehow we feel a connection. I hate that a connection could be formed over something so horrible, but it's there (Anthony and I have talked about it and we both feel the same). That's where all this 'searching for kindred spirits' came from.
As I've mentioned, when Samuel died, I went looking for people that felt the same way as me. Who had some kind of understanding of what I was going through. It wasn't that I felt that my family and friends were not supportive, because they were, but I wanted to talk to people who knew what it was like to have a great hole cut out of your life; one that can never be filled.
At first, I didn't have much luck; the first group I found online was way too religious for my liking! There are a couple that I have found since then, like Kate, Jaimee and Tammy (thanks girls); and I have found some good support back on Essential Baby.
But this need to reach out; to find other people who had this horrible, traumatic, life changing event envelop their lives was one of the main reasons that I started this blog. If I couldn't find them, I'd pour my heart out into the (cyber) space. Part of me (the part that always makes people want to feel better), also thought that maybe I'd be able to help someone through all of it too.
And I really want to help K's parents. Desperately! I hate that someone else has to go through all this. Someone that I know. This stuff is not supposed to happen!
I went over to see them on Saturday, not knowing if I would be a help, or just a nuisance; someone who just brought them down. I'm hoping it was the former. And I'll do anything else that I can to help them.
On Thursday, Anthony and I will go along to K's funeral. There was never any doubt that we would.
But in the end, there's nothing anyone can do. Those of us who get lumped with this horrible burden go through it so differently. There doesn't seem to be a right way, or a wrong way, just the way that's going to get us through to the other side.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
(Sunday's) Sensational Six
Not a good week for my new hobby unfortunately.
I'll only be posting the first four this week. The EB challenge theme was 'Circle of Life' and I just couldn't think of a subject without coming back to Sam. Of course, I could have done a butterfly or a flower/seed, but they had already been done so much better than I could, and everything else was too depressing.
Then of course, K passed away. She was almost exactly the same age as Samuel was when he died. I just don't understand why this stuff has to happen It's just confirmed to me that sometimes the circle of life is uneven and unfair. So I'm not entering this week.
On top of all that, the new Morguefile lesson is based on lenses, and of course, my camera only has one, so I can't really get into it. I'm hoping that my dad's camera has an extra lens so that I can play with his. But I have to wait for him to get back from holidays.
So, here are the four I can post!
This was taken on Boxing Day 2008. Sam had been saving up all his money (he usually got nothing but money for birthday and Christmas presents) and he went out and bought the phone. He'd been without a 'cool' phone since his was stolen at school. As you can see, he's very happy with it.
The same Christmas, we bought Ollie a camera, as he was very interested in photos. And what's the first thing you do when you get a new camera? Take a photo of yourself, of course!
It's amazing how much difference a bit of cropping and editing can make. This is something I'm only just starting to learn, and unfortunately I'm fairly limited in both my editing software and abilities. I do have Photoshop Elements, but it's for Windows, and our Windows computer is currently playing up. I'll eventually buy it for my Mac - but then I've got to learn how to use it!
This editing is just done in iPhoto.
This is the original. Isn't it amazing how much the whole mood changes?
More bloggy stuff later...
I'll only be posting the first four this week. The EB challenge theme was 'Circle of Life' and I just couldn't think of a subject without coming back to Sam. Of course, I could have done a butterfly or a flower/seed, but they had already been done so much better than I could, and everything else was too depressing.
Then of course, K passed away. She was almost exactly the same age as Samuel was when he died. I just don't understand why this stuff has to happen It's just confirmed to me that sometimes the circle of life is uneven and unfair. So I'm not entering this week.
On top of all that, the new Morguefile lesson is based on lenses, and of course, my camera only has one, so I can't really get into it. I'm hoping that my dad's camera has an extra lens so that I can play with his. But I have to wait for him to get back from holidays.
So, here are the four I can post!
A photo of Sam
This was taken on Boxing Day 2008. Sam had been saving up all his money (he usually got nothing but money for birthday and Christmas presents) and he went out and bought the phone. He'd been without a 'cool' phone since his was stolen at school. As you can see, he's very happy with it.A photo of Oliver
The same Christmas, we bought Ollie a camera, as he was very interested in photos. And what's the first thing you do when you get a new camera? Take a photo of yourself, of course!An old photo
At my graduation in 2005. It was stinking hot (21st December), way too long a night for my kids, and of all the outings, Samuel chose this one to bring a pocket knife along. Did I mention the graduation ceremony was at Parliament House? You can imagine the reaction he got from the security staff!
At my graduation in 2005. It was stinking hot (21st December), way too long a night for my kids, and of all the outings, Samuel chose this one to bring a pocket knife along. Did I mention the graduation ceremony was at Parliament House? You can imagine the reaction he got from the security staff!An Interesting Photo
It's amazing how much difference a bit of cropping and editing can make. This is something I'm only just starting to learn, and unfortunately I'm fairly limited in both my editing software and abilities. I do have Photoshop Elements, but it's for Windows, and our Windows computer is currently playing up. I'll eventually buy it for my Mac - but then I've got to learn how to use it!
This editing is just done in iPhoto.
This is the original. Isn't it amazing how much the whole mood changes?More bloggy stuff later...
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