I've been thinking about what I said in the last post, and wondering just why the whole 'be nice to your kids' thing has affected me so much.
I think it's because the last time I spoke to Sam, I was tired and a little cranky, and probably didn't give him my full attention.
I'd been shopping (for Christmas presents) most of the morning, and while we had some nice text messages back and forth, when I got home I had a headache and went to have a lie down.
Sam came in to tell me he was going to his Nanna's house, and I grunted something at him, not really paying much attention.
They were the last words I spoke to him though.
I wish I had said more. I wish I'd got up and hugged him. I wish I'd told him I loved him.
While I know that my kids know (knew) how much I love them (and I'm sure all parents are the same), there are so many times that we brush them off, don't listen, get angry, and leave it at that, knowing that we can make up for it later.
Well I know now that we can't.
Sam and I had a great relationship, so there's no guilt really, just regret. But it almost feels as bad as guilt. If I had those moments again, there are so many things I'd do.
It's almost cliched to say 'don't take your kids for granted'. And I didn't mean to make people feel bad about getting angry at their kids, because that's normal too. But there really are some moments you just can't get back; can't change.
I'd hate for other people to feel the way I do.
I love you Sam. I wish I'd told you more.