Saturday, May 15, 2010

Just a rant...

Why can't this be a dream?
I had a really bad dream the other night (causing me to wake up at 4.30am!), where someone I love dearly had died. At the time, I woke up truly believing it, and was quite worried until I talked to them.

I wish I could wake up to find out Sam was still alive.

I hate walking past his empty, cold bedroom every day. I hate it, but I need to do it. It's sometimes the only way I feel close to him.
I hate walking through the shopping centre and seeing teenagers having fun and causing chaos (just like he used to do with his friends on Friday nights).
I hate walking out of a movie (last one was Iron Man 2) thinking 'Sam would have liked that'.
I hate seeing ads for new TV shows that Sam loved (like The Gruen Transfer). And wondering why I go out of my way to watch Top Gear only now, when I used to let him watch it alone.
I hate knowing I'll never get to teach him how to drive. I had already been making plans to give him my car.
I hate seeing ads for colleges and high school open nights, and knowing he won't ever get there.
I hate not knowing what to do with his ashes.

I want him back, and it's not fair.


  1. Mel,

    I've come to your blog in the last couple of months as a complete stranger. I have a son called Sam, aged 4. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, I don't have the ability to make it better and I don't even have the words to help. But I couldn't not post. I'm thinking of you, hope you are OK.

  2. Yeah it's not fair. He was such a wonderful great kid. They certainly had a lot of fun on Friday nights and the fun would proceed in the car on the way home.. Especially with that silly string.


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