(Attention Reader - Please be aware that the contents of this post may be distressing or disturbing).
As I've already posted, a couple of weeks ago we received some news about Sam's death. A little over a week ago, we also received the post-mortem report. For a week, I put off reading it, mainly because I didn't really understand the medical language in it, but also because I couldn't.
I didn't want to see my boy's organs discussed so clinically. I don't know why; he's dead and he's not coming back. But the thought of seeing that stuff in print was too much.
So yesterday, Anthony and I went and saw our GP to talk it over with him. The coroner's office had suggested it so that we could decide whether or not we wanted to have a hearing.
The doctor went through it all with us, explaining each part; answering our questions and reassuring us.
The report showed that everything was normal with Sam: his organs were all normal and functioning properly; there was no sign of alcohol, drugs or poisons; there was no foreign substance or irregularities.
So, if you're still with me, what (probably) happened was that Samuel was sleeping very deeply, vomited (it may have been a very small amount), inhaled his vomit and suffocated.
One thing that we know is that Sam did not wake up (mind you, the doctor said this kind of thing also happens with people who are awake too), which is kind of comforting, as I can tell myself he did not suffer. There was no sign of an illness or condition that we should have noticed, and it was long enough after dinner for it to not be caused by 'eating too much', which, with Sam, was a distinct possibility!
There were two main questions that I had wanted answers to: what caused Samuel to vomit? And how can someone who is sober vomit without waking up? The doctor was not able to give me any kind of answer, but then again, the coroner wouldn't be able to either. So I have to accept that these are things that I will never know.
And that's the end. All that's left to do now is call the coroner's office, and tell them we're done. We don't need a hearing. All that will do is bring everything up again. Many of us would be called as witnesses and would have to hear all the details again. All for the same answers that we have now.
This is where it's going to end.
Ok, so it won't end. We'll never get over it, and there are still lots of things to do, memories to share; but the yucky bit is over. In a way it's a relief, but it's also a final, wrenching conclusion.
Yesterday, before we went to the doctor, I was fine, but afterwards I was tired and emotional. I was the same today too. It was very hard to keep it together, especially in the early part of the day. When I found out I was having the class I have the most trouble with for longer than I expected, I nearly lost it, and had to go and find a quiet spot for a while. I just wasn't sure I was feeling resilient enough.
Then, during the morning, I found out that my best friend's grandmother had died overnight. So I was feeling sad about that, and I just wanted to talk to her. It was just such a hard day to be at work.
This is what I had always been worried about; and one of the main reasons it took me so long to go back to work. Luckily, most of the staff at work are very busy at the moment, and working on their reports, so I could just hide. Because I knew if someone stopped me and asked how I was, I would have fallen apart.
But it got better. I managed to avoid meltdowns, and the class was OK too. I told them I was feeling grumpy, and they were actually pretty great. I was (almost) feeling normal by the time I left, nice and early.
And it's been OK this afternoon too. A lovely person at work loaned me their power cable, I've bought a new hard drive and I'm busy updating, and now I can use my Mac and update here.
So now that I've gotten that out of my system, I can go on to blogging about the lovely memories I have of Sam. Coming soon...