What would you think of me if I told you that sometimes I forget?
It's not that I forget Sam, I'll never do that. But sometimes I forget that I'm 'grieving' for him.
Perhaps it's because it's been more than a year, and my mind has adjusted to the loss of Sam. I'll be happily travelling along and suddenly something will spark a memory or a thought about him. Then I'll feel guilty because he wasn't on my mind already.
Like for example, while we were in Merimbula, I was very busy having fun (I'll tell you about it in the next post). Then I'd see a bunch of teenagers messing around in the pool/at the beach and suddenly I'd think about Sam: what role he would have played in the group - the macho boy (nah), the obnoxious loudmouth (nah) or the nice boy sitting quietly talking to a couple of pretty girls (yeah, maybe).
And then I'd remember that I am still grieving, and get a little sad. But also feel guilty that he hadn't been right at the front of my mind.
When we were packing up our trailer, a big dragonfly was flying around us. We both thought it was nice, like Sam was watching over us, and that he approved of our holiday. That was the only time I felt a real pang. Yes, there had been a couple of other times when I thought about how much he would have liked something we were doing, but I hadn't felt that strong sense of loss that I would have felt months ago.
It probably doesn't make much sense to you. I don't know if I'm explaining it right, but it's happened a few times lately.
I've wondered before what the statute of limitations is on grief - how long we are 'supposed' to make public our feelings about what happened. Do I keep forcing myself to talk publicly about how sad it is for me to have lost Sam? Like some people seem to expect, and like some people still do.
Don't get me wrong. It is sad, but (and I've always said this) I want to focus on the happy memories, and on creating a whole lot of new happy memories. But if I don't talk (or post) once in a while about how sad I am, or how much I miss Sam, does it make me look heartless?
I know that everyone does this differently, and the time it takes is different for everyone, but there seems to be expectations. Expectations that I sometimes have trouble meeting.
I enjoyed my time at the coast. As opposed to last year's trip, when it was all very sad, we did not dwell on the absence of Sam much at all. What we did do was concentrate on having a great time together as a family. Our new family, that has taken some getting used to, but is starting to feel OK.