Thursday, May 19, 2011

This is hard

Some times I wonder when the veneer is going to crack. When it will all fall apart. When I will fall apart.
When I talk to people about Sam, I'm met with various responses, but most of them include some kind of a reference to how well I'm 'coping', and how they would find it so hard.

I know that I've reacted to Sam's death differently to many people might expect. Definitely differently to the grieving parents you see in the movies or on TV. Yes, in the first few days/weeks/months I had some fairly typical reactions. But more often than not I put on my happy face.

I have always thought that this was because of the kind of person that I am. The happy-go-lucky optimist. The girl who's always smiling. The girl who keeps it all together and supports everyone else.
And in some ways it probably was. But then other days I wonder if it's all just an act. If one day I'm going to lose it and become the vacant, brooding grief-stricken mother a la Nicole Kidman or Rachel Weisz. I'm a little scared of that, I've gotta admit. 'Cause what if I do?

Someone told me the other day that I was 'inspirational'. I don't feel inspirational. Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

I've been cranky lately, mainly because I'm busy (with the accompanying guilt), but also because people I know are doing stupid things, and my house is a mess, and it's cold, and I don't know what's happening with my job, and because I've got so much weight to lose (again), and because I miss Sam. So bloody much it's not funny.

5 comments:

  1. Mel's Dad/Sam and Oliver's GrandadMay 20, 2011 at 12:12 AM

    Dearest Girl,
    Wish we could be there to give you a big hug. Love you lots, and looking forward to being around for you again.
    Dad and Mum

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  2. Mel, Terence and I have both gotten the same comments as you. Sometimes it makes me feel guilty for smiling, do people expect us to fall into a deep hole of depression? To not enjoy life at all? Kayleigh and Sam were both happy children who loved life.

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  3. Mel, Your doing whatever you need to do, to get you through each day, if that means being a fraud, whatever it takes, that's what makes you so inspirational!!!! Your not a fraud that's for sure.. I feel so deeply for you, not that that's any comfort. If you should ever want to have a good cry I'm here for you. I'll join you.. I just still can't believe that this has happened.... Its not fair!! M

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