Missing my boy

I guess the pain of losing a child never goes away, but the pain does tend to ebb and flow, and perhaps dim over time.
There are days when they're in the back of your mind, but so many things keep you busy that you don't have time to reflect on the 'loss' part. They're just a beautiful face in your mind.
Then there are other days when there are reminders everywhere. Little things that trigger memories, the sadness or the sense of loss. I've had a few of them lately.

And they're different too. When Oliver and I were in Melbourne, the things that we did triggered a lot of happy memories of Sam: Oliver getting the hiccups in the car reminded me of how Sam used to laugh until he got the hiccuos (poor kid, after a while, he curbed his laughter to avoid it!); or our trip to the aquarium reminded me of the time we went to the Sydney Aquarium when Sam was about 4. He walked out over the tank that was underfoot and completely freaked out when he realised he was standing over a fish tank. Funny stuff.

Most of it is brought on by things that happen to his friends or peers. Lots of them are doing things that really make me feel Sam's loss. It's the things that I know he'll never get to do. Some of his friends are getting into (and out of) serious relationships, many of them are getting their Learner's permits and getting accepted into colleges. And his best friend is turning 16 this week. For some reason, 16 is significant to me, I'd have liked to see Samuel at 16.

Don't worry, I'm not miserable, just having some of those moments where I feel it. Life still goes on, and we do all the normal happy things, but there's always that in the background. There are still times when people say stupid things when I feel like screaming at them about how good they actually have it, but I guess they're not as frequent either.

When it comes down to it, I just miss him so much.