Reigniting old passions. Part 2

Photography
I've always loved photos and photography. Since I bought my first digital camera I've been experimenting a lot more (which of course means I've had to buy more data storage, better cameras, and so on), as it's much easier to experiment when you see which ones 'suck' and which ones are OK before spending $20 on developing!

Over the past few weeks, I've been visiting Essential Baby, a parenting forum I was quite active in after Oliver was born, but drifted away from when things got crazy around here. It's a great community - sometimes controversial, sometimes annoying, sometimes thought provoking, but always supportive. Even though I'd been away for a couple of years, I was welcomed back and supported by people who know what I'm going through.
Anyway, on EB there is a photography group/forum that I've just discovered. Some of the people on there are way more advanced than me, but it's a nice way to share/talk about photos, and I might even learn some new things.
I recently posted in a thread about my three favourite photos (that I've taken). It was very hard to pick them, but I think they are 'good' photos. There are photos I like more, but if I'm thinking about what makes a good photo (and believe me, I'm no expert), these are the ones I chose:

I chose this one because it's a nice portrait, and Ollie doesn't have red 'flash' eyes.

I took this one at Hobart Beach one early morning in January 2007. I love how the kangaroo is staring out to sea. It's probably not technically the best (in terms of light etc), but I love the 'moment'.

I took this one on my iPhone last week. I love that I've captured that moment before Ollie hit the water, but that it's not blurry. I also love that I can take a nice photo like this without a fancy camera and lens.

Of course, as anyone who knows me a little would know, I've always got the camera out. The kids in my classes over the years have always grumbled about all the photos I take (but I think they secretly like it), and my boys are fairly accustomed to me with a camera in my hand.

My next challenge is to improve my knowledge of photography. I'm going to experiment with exposure and shutter speeds and setting up shots. I'll keep you posted. In the mean time, perhaps you'd like to check out some of my other photos? They're on Flickr.

Reigniting old passions

It's OK, don't panic, I didn't find an old boyfriend on Facebook and run away with him. To tell you the truth, I don't have that many ex boyfriends, and less interest in reigniting anything at all with them (I certainly knew how to pick them in the past, but that's another story).

No, today I'm talking about reconnecting with things that make me happy, that give me some sense of satisfaction. In the past week or so I rediscovered a couple.

Renovating
As I have mentioned, we are currently renovating. I guess you could say we've been renovating since we moved in here 12 years ago (as of yesterday), but in the past few months, we have been gathering a bit of steam.

We've had a fairly rough/interesting couple of years, with lots of ups and downs, and with me starting a new (and very demanding) job, we have let things slide a bit.

Anyway, I got a bit keen and decided I'd paint one of the walls, mainly so that we could live with the colour for a few months and see if we liked it. When Anthony does the kitchen, we will be replacing the ceiling in the lounge/dining/kitchen area and repainting, so I wanted to get a feel for what colour might be OK there.
Once I started preparing the wall, I thought it might be good to put a new window in. The old one was almost falling apart and looked pretty shabby. In fact, most of the room did
9sorry, forgot to take a 'before' photo (again), this is a kind of old one):

So we went out to the Handyman's Trading Post and bought a new window. Actually, we bought a new window, a glass door and a beautiful big set of cedar French doors which we will use in a shed/rumpus room we're building, but the window was the one going in first.
I'm very lucky that Anthony (as well as being a very talented woodworker) is one of those 'handy' people. So replacing a window was no problem for him. I did some bits and pieces, but I'll give him all the credit. I did the painting though. It turned out quite well:

We went for blinds because I like how they are tidy and hide away. We still have to finish the valance, but I think it looks much better.
The only trouble now of course, is that now that that wall looks great, the rest of the room/house looks a bit shabby. Actually, I guess that's probably a good thing in many ways, as it prompted me to do a thorough clean and sort. It's very nice and tidy now (in this end of the house anyway).

While we were doing it, I thought how nice it would be to do that for a while: buy a house, do it up, sell it again, buy a new one. I think it would be a nice way to love for a while. You could even do it in different states if you were really adventurous!

In the meantime though, we have quite a task ahead of us. At the moment, Anthony is building a BIG retaining wall out the back. He hadn't been lately, first because of the Samuel thing, and then because of the buckets and buckets of rain we've had lately. The wall is looking great though. We've used concrete sleepers so that it will last a long time, and they are very effective.

I just hope we'll have some dry days soon so we can get it finished! (we are actually much further along than this, I must go out and take some more photos.

Once the wall is finished, we are going to build a big shed, which will be like an extra couple of rooms (lined, insulated, power etc). Somewhere to put the pool table! (and all my teacher crap)
Then (the bit I'm excited about) Anthony is going to build me my kitchen. We have already bought a nice Lofra stove, and a sink and range hood, so I am very keen to get it all going!

Melology

I need a break from the heavy stuff. I found this on another blog and it reminded me of how much I used to love filling out these types of things, and reading other people's responses. When I had penfriends (I had lots of them between the ages of about 16 and 24) I used to send them these types of surveys all the time. So here's mine...

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

FOODOLOGY:
What is your salad dressing of choice?
I quite often have my salads undressed. But if I had to choose, I'd say good ol' Italian.

What is your favourite sit-down restaurant?
I don't get out much, but La Porky's is always OK. Well, except for the time I got food poisoning after I ate there. But I've learned not to eat the seafood there.
Oh, Sammy's Kitchen, Sunny Kitchen and Chairman and Yip are all pretty nice Chinese.

What is your favourite fast food restaurant?
Sumo Salad.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Ice Cream. There are so many yummy flavours you could eat a new one each day for two weeks.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Lots of vegies and CHILLI!!

TECHOLOGY:
How many televisions are in your house?
3, but only 1 of them is ever on with any regularity. Usually tuned to Foxtel's music channels.

What color mobile phone do you have?
Black

Mac or PC?
Mac. Love my Mac!

Could you live without it?
Yes. Actually no. I'd need music (and maybe the internet!) But I could live without TV! Does that count?

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right. I always wanted to be a lefty 'cause it's different. My mum is and my grandma was (along with some other relatives).

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
My wisdom teeth. Oh, and my two lovely babies. Sad to say I didn't push either of them out by myself.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Oliver. He's at least 25 kilos these days. Feels like twice as much when he's sleeping.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Nope.

Have you ever fainted?
Nope.

Active or Couch Potato?
When I'm in the mood/habit: active, though I still seem to manage to pack on the weight, even when I'm exercising madly/daily.

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Not sure. Yes, so that I could tie up loose ends. I have resolved to live a full and happy life so I'm hoping I wouldn't have to suddenly run out and do all the things I'd always wanted to do (OH goodness, I can tell this will be a future post) but no because I'd always be anticipating it.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I wouldn't. Actually I already kind of have. Nobody really calls me Melanie any more. Except maybe my grandpa.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
3. My goodness, that's extravagant for me!

Last person you talked to?
Anthony and Oliver (simultaneously).

FAVOURITOLOGY:

Season?
Late Spring/Early Autumn. I love it warm enough to sit outside at night and go to the beach, but cool enough to be able to do stuff.

Holiday?
I guess that means 'celebration'. Not a big fan of any of them, but I do like birthdays.

Day of the week?
Sunday. Especially now that people come over and have drinks with us in the afternoons.

Month?
Used to be December. Now I'm not so sure.

Color?
Purple.

Drink?
Bourbon, Vodka, Beer. Oh god what does that say about me?? I do love mango smoothies and I do drink a lot of water. Really I do!

Alcoholic?
Oh whoops. Already answered that.

Music?
Foo Fighters (I think you all knew that!)


CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone?
Yep. You're familiar with that story.

What are you listening to?
I'm not good at doing one thing at a time, so at the moment I'm listening to/watching 'Grand Torino' while I'm writing.
Currently as in not right at this minute - a lot of Foo Fighters, Them Crooked Vultures, Led Zeppelin.

What are you watching?
As above.
If I'm not answering about this minute, I don't really 'watch' anything. The only show I really try to watch regularly is 'Spicks and Specks', but I haven't even got my act together enough to watch that every week. I'm not a big fan of TV. Will watch it if it's on, but don't go out of the way.
I do like watching music videos and movies.

Worrying about?
Going back to work. Actually I'm not worried about that, more about all the things I was going to do (but haven't) while I have been on leave.

What's the last movie you saw?
At the movies? Avatar.

Do you smile often?
A qualified yes. I am renowned for my smiley disposition, It's just been missing a little bit of late.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Hmmm...No. Well, maybe green.

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Not sure how I feel about my birthday now. I'd like a nice little block of land (or perhaps 20+ acres) near the coast.

Can you do a chin-up?
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited I guess. Things can't get much worse.

Have you been in a car wreck?
No, only a couple of small accidents.

Have you caused a car wreck?
No.

Do you have an accent?
An Oztrayan one perhaps.

Last time you cried?
Friday.

Plans tonight?
Watch (sort of) this movie. Bed. My life is a thrill a minute.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yep.

Name three things you bought yesterday?
I actually didn't buy anything. That's not bad for me.

Have you met someone who changed your life?
Yep. Samuel. I think I've explained how.

For the better or worse?
Better.

How did you bring in the New Year?
I've posted about this. Down the river with Sally, Jack and my boys, then here.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yep. To the 21st of December 2009.

What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't, but Oliver does a great job:

Have you held hands with someone today?
Yep. I like that Anthony and I hold hands almost every day. After 15 years that's not bad.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My very clucky son holding my lovely (nearly) 4 week old nephew.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
A little bit of both. I have wonderful friends that I have known for around 20 years, and others I have known 2-5 years.

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes. The pulpier the better.

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
When I went to the U.S in 1990. I like bananas (or honey) with my peanut butter.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night?
Sleeping. I was a little tipsy (OK, I was more than a little) when I went to bed, so it's a good bet that I was sound asleep.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I wonder if I have a hangover. (No, I didn't).

Thanks Pundelina for this little bit of fun.

This is a poem I read on another blog (thanks Kate and Karen).
It's very nice and I thought I'd share it.

~Please~

Please, don’t ask me if I am over it.
I will never be over it!
Please, don’t tell me he is in a better place.
He isn’t here with me!
Please, don’t tell me he isn’t suffering.
I haven’t come to terms with why
he had to suffer at all.
Please, don’t ask me if I feel better.
For bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up.
Please, don’t tell me,
At least you had him for so many years.
What year would you choose for your loved one to die?
Please, don’t ever tell me that,
God doesn’t give us more then we can handle.
Please, just say you are sorry.
Please, just say that you remember him.
Please, just talk to me about him.
Please, just mention his name.
Please, just let me cry.

Happy Birthday Sam

Sam's 13th Birthday

Yesterday was Sam's birthday. He would have been 14. It would have been very easy to dwell on all the things that he is missing, all the things he was yet to achieve, but we did actually manage to have an OK day.

Thursday night was probably the hardest, when I started to think about the day I had Sam, and all those things I mentioned above. I had a little cry and felt better. Last week I talked about how I'd heard that the week leading up to the birthday is harder than the day, and I think that's true. I'm very glad we went away, because I would have been cranky and emotional. That's not a bad thing I guess, in small doses, but if we hadn't escaped to the beach, I don't think I would have liked myself very much.

On a side note, thinking about the beach, I mentioned to Anthony that I always feel like I'm going home when I go to the coast (he said I probably grew up there in a previous life). I've felt that much more strongly the last couple of times. I think I mentioned in an early post that my first instinct when Sam died was to pack up and run. That feeling faded a bit, but I can't shake the feeling that I should be somewhere else. I love my house, but more and more lately I'm feeling like I won't live here much longer. I really wish I could move to the coast. There are practical reasons that we can't of course (hard to get teaching work there), but I feel like I really need to work towards it. I think I would actually give up teaching if it meant I could live down there. I know they say that you shouldn't make big decisions for at least a year after this kind of traumatic event, and I won't, but more and more I feel like I'm in the wrong place, and if losing Sam has taught me anything, it's that time is precious (something to mull over for another time
perhaps)...

What do you do on a day like this?
The first thing I did when I woke up yesterday was post to Facebook. Sounds weird I know, but it's only because I can do that without getting out of bed (I love my iPhone!). I put a happy birthday message up there for Sam. Then I actually did get out of bed and went and said happy birthday to him (well, to his ashes). I know some people hate Facebook or think it's a waste of time, but I do love that you can share things with people on your on time, on your terms. We got lots of lovely messages on there, from people who we just wouldn't be able to see, and that was really nice. As were the text messages that I got from some lovely, thoughtful friends.

Our usual birthday routine is (was) a lot like what I used to do with my parents. We'd all sit on our bed and give the presents to whoever was having the birthday. Possibly a little cheesy, but nice. Then we'd go to work/school (or somewhere exciting if it was the weekend/holiday) and have dinner somewhere nice in the evening. There was usually cake and then a 'family' celebration on the weekend closest to the day. Lots of food, cake etc.

I spent the morning painting the wall. We put in a new window in the lounge room just before we went away, and I was making it look all pretty. We wanted to test a colour for that wall, as when Anthony builds me my new kitchen (YAY! Can't wait!), we are also going to redecorate our long neglected lounge/dining area. The wall looks quite nice now. It's certainly given us a jump start, got us excited about renovating again.
I'm not really sure why I chose this to do, but it was good. It kept me busy and I wanted it to be done before anyone came over.
The boys and I then went to Bunnings and, after a fair bit of dithering, chose some blinds for the window. Anthony has one up so far, and they look great!

We went out for lunch with my parent and Jezz, at La Porchetta. Not Samuel's all time favourite, but there's no Sizzler in Canberra any more. He liked La Porky's too; we'd had a few birthday dinners there and he, Olllie and I had a nice dinner there when we went to Melbourne together a few years ago. It was a nice lunch, good food, good conversation, a little bit of missing Sam, but not too bad.

Bad choice?
Then I went grocery shopping. I had intended to do it the night before but was feeling too low. In hindsight it probably would have been better to do it then because I wouldn't have been rushing it (it's funny how many unnecessary items you buy when you're rushing - a very expensive exercise!), because I raced in at almost 3, and not long after that people started turning up. Actually, when I turned the corner in the car I said to myself 'please don't let anyone be there yet', but there were two cars in the driveway. Luckily it was Dallas and Sally, mine and Anthony's best friends. And they're more like family anyway, so I didn't feel as bad that I was running late. But it did mean that I was running to catch up and the house wasn't quite the way I wanted it, but it didn't matter in the end. And it's not really that unusual. While I'm fairly organised with food when we're entertaining, I'm almost never on time.

Great Company
When we asked people to come around and help us celebrate Sam's birthday, we weren't really sure what we would do or who would turn up. I must say I was surprised when at 3:15pm about 12 of Samuel's friends from school turned up. It was so great to see them. I gave them coke and chips and sent them into Sam's room, and they seemed to be OK. It was really great to see them and talk to them. What a great bunch of kids they are, but then again we didn't expect anything less from Sam, he wasn't really the type to hang out with idiots.

Samuel's closest friends Jake, Ryan, Patrick and Harry all came over, and we also caught up with their parents. That was great. It's always nice to hear stories about Sam from other people. Patrick's dad Bob brought around some great photos of the boys (they have been friends since Samuel was 3. Actually, Jake and Ryan have been Sam's friends since then too). Ryan was able to solve the mystery of something we had found in Sam's room (and had no idea where it came from) and show us some text messages. It was really nice to talk to Ryan, who has always been a bit shy around us.

The McLauchlan clan were around too. It was very nice to see everyone together (and get to hold baby Ashaan, only 3 weeks old), and we even talked to Tim and Rach (Anthony's brother and his partner, who live in Queensland) on the phone. They bought us some board games (naughty of them, but a nice gesture) and promised to come and play them with us. We used to have lots of games nights: Risk, Settlers of Catan, even Monopoly or poker sometimes, but hadn't done that a lot lately. That will have to change I think. We all played Uno occasionally, and the boys played a few games together, but we haven't had a good games night for a few years.
We ate a lot, as we generally do at those sort of things. We had most of Sam's favourite foods going: fairy bread, chocolate, sweet chilly philly, twisties etc, and Aunty Sue made a lime cheesecake that we enjoyed immensely (Sam loved Sue's cheesecakes), along with mouthfuls of whipped cream pumped straight from the can (another of Sam's loves).
We didn't sing happy birthday or blow out candles, but we did say happy birthday and shared funny memories of Sam, and talked until late at night (Ok, 11pm, but that's late for me!)

All in all, a nice day. Only one thing would have made it better, and that thing's not going to happen. But in the absence of my beautiful Sam, I couldn't have asked for a better day. It's always going to be hard celebrating the birthday of someone who's not with us, but I'm so glad people acknowledged it.

Thanks everyone.

Still Here

No, I haven't disappeared/lost interest.

The boys and I went to Merimbula for a few days, so I took a break from blogging.
My lovely sister-in-law Laura won some free accommodation on a website, and she was kind enough to give it to us. (thank you again Laura!)
We stayed in the same place we have stayed in the last couple of times in Merimbula, but this time we stayed in a cabin. It was very nice, with a big spa and a view of the ocean. There were also lorikeets that visited every day (you'd think Anthony would have had enough of parrots at home, but no...)

The main reason we chose Merimbula again (apart from because we really like it there, it always feels like home to me) is that Anthony was going to get a tattoo. In January when we visited Merimbula, we found a nice little tattoo studio in Pambula. As soon as we walked in there we got a really great vibe. They were friendly and chatted to us, and most of all it was clean!

So we went back there, and on Wednesday Anthony got his tattoo:

It looks a bit dark now, as it still has to heal and settle, but it is an amazing likeness of Samuel. It's something Anthony has been keen on from the day Sam left us, and as you can see he is very happy with it. I think it looks fantastic!

The trip was good for us I think. Tomorrow is Sam's birthday and if I had been here all week, I think I would have gone a little mad. I was cranky and teary on Sunday before we left, and then cranky and teary again this afternoon when we got back. I miss Sam a lot, and his birthday really makes me feel it more. But I think tomorrow will be OK. I will write about it (and some other things) soon.