Build-ups for Grown-ups :)

Did I mention I'm not completely there with resilience yet? I'm still working on being the best version of me, and there are still moments that surprise me. Even when they shouldn't.

As you might have seen in my blog previously, I have always struggled with my weight. It's hard because of the physical and health factors, but it's also hard because it's one thing that I just don't seem to be able to get control of. When you're the kind of person that likes to be in control. That is tough.

Last night, I had a talk with a very wise lady who knows a lot about health and well-being. I could tell that she was really interested in helping me. Through our conversation, I figured out that when it comes to my weight, it seems that self-esteem is part of the problem (although, I think I've always known that). I really don't know why that is; I grew up in a stable, loving home without any real trauma in my childhood. It's perhaps just something that's wired a bit funny in my brain. 

Anyway, this lovely lady picked up on the fact that I'm a bit negative on myself. She suggested that I put up a post on Facebook asking for affirmations. My first thoughts were all negative: "that sounds like stupid attention-seeking behaviour"; "what if no one responds"; "is that really an authentic thing to do"; " wouldn't it seem a little needy". Which is of course why I had to do it. Right there and then, before I talked myself out of it. Even then, I drafted my post a couple of times, removing the "I'm sorry to bother you" and the "you don't have to if you don't want to" and "I know this seems silly" elements that I added.

Here's what they said...

I was absolutely blown away by the response. More than 50 people took a moment to say something nice about me. Stuff I kinda knew, but also stuff that I never realised that people noticed or liked about me. It was an absolutely amazing feeling to read these responses. This is the kind of stuff that people never get to hear. I'm so lucky!

As I thought about it even more, it struck me as odd that we don't do this for each other more often. As a primary school teacher, I (and most teachers I know) engaged my students in these kinds of feel-good activities: write something nice about your buddy/classmate/partner; anonymous kindness notes; etc. We also occasionally do it with each other in schools via 'secret buddy' programs, etc. But really, we hardly ever do seek validation or positive feedback from others. Sometimes, the only time people say nice things about us is after we're dead. And what good is that?!

And then, if and when we do receive positive feedback or compliments, we find it really hard to receive them. We laugh them off or make a joke; or wonder what the other person's motive is. Or is that just me? According to Guy Winch, compliments can make people with low self-esteem uncomfortable as they contradict a person's own feelings about themselves. Hmmmmm...

Anyway, for me it was a wonderful exercise. These comments made me feel lovely. But also gave me some more things to think about and work on. One person said to me "...the best way of improving your esteem is to not only listen and smile at all the beautiful things people have said... But to then truly believe them and transform all of this to your inner voice." That's my next challenge.

Purpose

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” - Robert Byrne

One of the things that many people do is live a life of purpose. Feeling like what you do means something can be very empowering. 

For a few years now, I've taken a great deal of satisfaction from doing things that give me a sense of purpose. Sometimes I wonder if it's a stage that I've gotten to. I also wonder if it's a stage that everyone gets to. Does everyone get to the point where they get more joy and fulfilment out of doing things that mean something than doing things for money or instant gratification? Do some people do it from their childhood? Do some people never get to that stage? 

It's not that I've always been selfish and now I'm not. I've always enjoyed things like buying presents for people or feeding people. But now, it's a deeper drive. In fact, I'm at the point where I wish I could work in my paid employment less so that I can spend more time doing volunteer stuff. 

It all started when our family first started getting seriously into LEGO. We attended the first Brick Expo in 2010 and by 2012 we were entering our own models in the exhibition. And then I started helping out. Now I'm on the organising committee. Yes, we love LEGO, but the thing I love about it the most is that we're supporting a charity. I get such a buzz out of watching the kids (and adults) enjoy the exhibits, but also handing over our donation each year. 

Me and one of the 501st Legion at Brick Expo. They do great stuff with purpose too!

If I could do more I would. And I probably will one day, when financial pressures ease off a little. It's funny, I find myself looking forward to retirement not so that I can sit around, but so that I can do more. 

I don't know if it adds to my resilience, but surely the feeling of well-being that I get out of this must contribute to my overall mental health. 

What do you do that makes you feel good? What gives you a sense of purpose?

Yes you are. Yes you can.

Number one on my developing resilience list is self-esteem. And it's probably the one that is the hardest for me.

I've always had pretty low self-esteem, which (and this may come across as vain) is odd considering I grew up in a happy, supportive household, am in a pretty happy (now - we've had our moments!) relationship, did well in school and work and have always been pretty successful at the things I've tried. I have been overweight pretty much my entire life, which I guess probably has something to do with it. But sometimes I think my low self-esteem is odd.

For example, when I went to uni (the first time, in my late 20s), almost every assignment I handed in was definitely a fail. Or so I thought. But most of the time I got distinctions and high distinctions. And now, when my friends do something nice for me, I'm always surprised. Not because I think they're assholes, but because I never think they like me as much as they probably do. What's with that?!

So, when it's come to building my resilience, I've had to work on self-esteem more than most things. This article outlines 10 steps for developing self-esteem, and it's good advice!

Being the kind of weirdo that I am, a lot of my self-esteem has come through giving myself huge challenges. Like becoming a Sh'Bam instructor for example.

My dancing shoes!

I've written about Sh'Bam before. Funnily enough, that post was also related to well-being.
Sh'Bam for me is enormously challenging but also enormously rewarding. Challenging, because I have absolutely no training in dance (just a good sense of rhythm and good muscle memory), and also because all the other instructors are at least 20 kilos lighter than me (I must not compare myself to others!).
But rewarding, because it makes me feel so good to do it (another tick in the improving self-esteem box), it keeps me active and pretty fit (and another tick), and I get amazing feedback from people, which helps me develop my positive self-talk. I'm one of those people that thrives on external feedback (both positive and constructive).
People that do my classes tell me: "The other instructors are great [[and they totally are], but you make it accessible. You make me feel like I can do it." And they tell me how funny I am. Because I love to clown around in my classes.
How wonderful this is for my self-esteem! Now that I'm finally listening to it all! For a while I was too focused on what was different about me. Now I try and focus on my strengths.

Oliver and I colour-runified!

There are other wonderful things about getting into Sh'Bam. I've made some wonderful friends, my confidence has increased, and I'm also branching out and trying other things I never would have before. Like fun runs and other fitness challenges. I really feel like I'm starting to get a handle on that side of things.

Self-esteem, whether it's poor or excellent, can have such an impact on our well-being. How's yours? And what do you do to improve it?

Developing Resilience

Developing Resilience

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

― Nelson Mandela

When I was teaching in the Educational Psychology unit at UC, I constantly referred to the need to develop resilience. Teaching is a hard job (another thing I said in every single tute, much to my students' amusement!); and time and again I see teachers move out of teaching (or break down) because they are not resilient. As I mentioned in my last post, I left for different reasons, but I could just as easily have quit in my first year.

I truly believe that a positive attitude and resilience will get you through just about anything, and as I promised my nearly-teachers; if they were in teaching for the right reasons, they would be OK if they were also resilient. Below are some points from a handout I gave my students. I will elaborate on these points in future posts, but I hope they will give you some food for thought.

Self-esteem 

Remind yourself regularly of your strengths and accomplishments.

Self-Esteem by Kiran Foster Under CC BY 2.0

Purpose

Do something that you believe in, that means something to you.

Get involved in your community.

Do volunteer work.

Cultivate your faith/spirituality (if that’s important to you).

Relationships

Nurture your relationships with your friends and family.

Find people you can talk to about your problems.

Ask for and accept help.

Change

Anticipate change – especially in education!

Embrace change.

Cultivate a flexible approach.

Learn to adapt to new and surprising situations.

Optimism

Be hopeful.

Be grateful.

Appreciate the good things in life, no matter how small.

Express all kinds of emotions.

Don’t dwell on only negative emotions.

Health & Well-being

Get enough sleep.

Eat well.

Exercise, stay active.

Make time for fun.

Problem-solving

Develop your problem-solving skills.

Puzzle, think.

OK by Horia Varlan Under CC BY 2.0

Goals

Set short and long-term goals for yourself.

Do something regularly that contributes to your goals.

Check in your goals regularly.

Keep learning

Some setbacks can be good learning opportunities.

In future posts, I'd like to share with you some of my experiences in developing these areas. I hope they will be of some help to you.

With thanks to the resources listed below for some ideas.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-tips-to-build-resilience/0001146

http://www.flinders.edu.au/current-students/healthandcounselling/self-help/how-to-build-up-your-resilience.cfm 

Why Resilience?

“A good half of the art of living is resilience.” 

 -- Alain De Botton

Stand firm by Mel (me!) under CC BY NC SA 2.0

As you can imagine, I am a fairly resilient person. While I wouldn't say that I lead a miserable life, some past experiences with personal and professional hardship, depression, and of course death, have been incredible challenges that I have had to work my way through.

Many people have (and continue to) comment on my 'strength' in the face of Samuel's death. And I've written before about my approach to processing all of it. But I think that a lot of the way I have reacted and continue to react is because of my attitude. I am generally a positive person and actively cultivate my own resilience and well-being.

While I've always been a pretty positive, chirpy type (annoyingly so in my younger days - 'why are you always smiling?!!'), resilience has taken more cultivation. In my first year of teaching I did a professional development session on resilience and I really think it helped me. I had a very difficult class for my first year out, and many times wanted to quit. A combination of pure stubbornness, supportive peers and a caring manager ensured that I didn't.

In the end I did leave teaching, but I don't think it was completely because of a lack of resilience. In the first instance, it was a reaction to my grief: I couldn't face working with kids, and I felt a whole lot of guilt about the time I put into teaching (over my own family and well-being). But since then I've realised that there were other reasons: a need to pursue my passions; trying to balance life and work; and philosophical reasons that would make it difficult for me to return to traditional schools! More about that another time too, perhaps.

Since then, I have actively developed my own resilience, and tried to foster it in my children. It certainly seems to be working for Oliver so far, and I know that I am a much more balanced person too. 

Do you do these things? Are you resilient?

In my next post, I'm going to share some ideas for developing resilience.