The Second Mother's Day

"Celebration" days like Mother's Day will always be a little bit tricky. Mainly because there are always reminders of Sam in them. Mother's Day particularly because what mother would want to celebrate when one of her children is gone forever?

But in the spirit of 'going on', which as you know I am pretty good at. I put the sad thoughts behind me (for the most part) ans set about having a nice day. Hope you don't mind a blow-by-blow...

I woke reasonably early, and looked at the photos of Sam on the wall, a bit of quiet reflection time before anyone else awoke. Get the 'sad bits' out of the way early.

I knew that Oliver had intended to get me breakfast, and sure enough when he noticed I was awake he came in and asked me what I wanted to eat. We've never really done breakfast in bed before (I usually am the first up by a long way), and I wasn't really hungry yet, so I told him to give me a while, thinking he and Anthony could sort it out.

When Anthony got up, he noticed that the gate was open, and was worried about Merlin (our 16 year old dog who does tend to wander off when the gate is open), so being the little bit of a drama queen that he is, he made a fuss and I jumped up with the intention of going to look for Merlin.
Who was of course safe in the yard. But by then I was up anyway.

Oliver had made me a nice card, with this message:

To Mum

Have a rily good muthers day and just rembr that I love you so so so so so mutch. From Oliver

Awwwwww! He'd also made me a poster with a picture of him on it and a door hanger that says 'Mum resting'. Very cute.



The boys also bought me a pair of slippers and promised foot rubs and massages (yet to be delivered).

We went over to Phil and Laura's for brunch, which was lovely. A very nice meal in the sunshine with some great company. Oliver came back covered in blueberry juice:

We lay around on the couch watching 'King Kong' and then I went out and did some gardening. I'm now waiting for dinner, as the boys debate what thy're going to do. I told them that I don't care - I'm definitely not cooking! Anthony doesn't really cook (apart from toast and heating up the odd pie), so I'm sure it will be interesting!

After dinner, we'll curl up on the lounge together and watch a movie. Then I'll get my foot rub and massage.

A pretty nice day I think. Only one thing missing....

Made it

Well I got through Mother's Day OK. As with other 'occasions', it is probably the anticipation that is harder than the actual day. I missed Sam a lot, but once again managed to fill my day with great people and fun.

My brother-in-law (along with another of his brothers) and I went to Groovin' the Moo yesterday. We were talking about how we probably wouldn't have gone to the festival in the past. I fear I am getting too old for festivals (I will explain shortly), and although I liked some of the bands who were playing, I get the shits with all the idiots that seem to come along with it.
So, while we both love live music, it probably wouldn't have been something we'd have gone out of our way to do. Samuel would have enjoyed it I think, but I'm not sure I would have even thought about taking him. Of course, while we were there, I kept thinking about how much I wished he was there.

James and I were talking about how we were living differently since we lost Sam. We're taking up opportunities that we normally wouldn't have: such as going to a festival, or going rock climbing and go-karting together (as the big boys did recently). The drinks on Sundays are new...I've talked about all this before, so you know what I mean.
We're sad that it took Sam's death for us to realise what was important (and I wish so much that I'd realised before he died), but we agreed it's good that something positive has come out of it.

Groovin' the Moo
The festival was interesting enough. It was a beautiful day, so sitting around listening to music wasn't a bad way to spend it. We got there early enough to get a good spot on the hill overlooking the stage, and kept it until we got frustrated with people walking over us. But then again, this prompted a move to the crowd in front of the stage, where we stayed for the rest of the night.

The line-up is here, but some of the highlights for me were:

British India - A great set, with a pretty cool cover of Nirvana's 'Lithium' the highlight. They have some good songs, I might have to buy their album. They certainly had my tapping my feet. It was also still fairly uncrowded and relaxed at that stage.

Grinspoon - I've never really liked Grinspoon all that much. I liked a few of their songs, etc, but hadn't thought much about them. I must say I've changed my tune - they put on a really awesome set. They were energetic, played and sang well, engaged the crowd, and played the right songs. I will definitely go and buy some of their albums, and would probably even go and see them again. I was my favourite set.

Silverchair - They started out a bit slow, but finished with a few great songs. Daniel Johns was pissed (or something), and alternated between saying really odd things, berating the crowd for not cheering enough, and playing/singing quite well. There were a couple of songs probably best left for a stand-alone show, but on the whole it was good. I was happy that they played 'The Greatest View', as it was one of Samuel's (and mine) favourite songs.

Tegan and Sara - They played well, and were good with the crowd, but I've never been that into them. Entertaining enough I guess.

Vampire Weekend - I really like some of their songs, and they played well, but there was just something about it that didn't get me moving enough. It might have been because I didn't know all the songs.

Perhaps it was because they played after a really boring set (for me) by Empire of the Sun. My goodness, what a bunch of self-indulgent pap! OK, so they might be musically very great, but I found their set mind-numbingly boring, even with the strangely dressed dancers gyrating around the stage.
Some acts just don't seem to understand that a festival crowd is a bit different. They are a mix of many different people, and you have to play the hits, play music that's going to get people excited. James, Phil and I had moved quite close to the stage for the last few bands, and you really noticed the difference between Grinspoon's set (lots of excited, happy, bouncing people) and Empire of the Sun (people just standing around, walking away etc). I thought Lisa Mitchell's set was a bit like that too. She just disappeared on the stage, and didn't even play her most famous song.

Anyway, it was an OK day. I think I'm getting a bit too old for festivals. I was getting very peeved with all the stupid, drunk, obnoxious, loud people, but I guess that's what a festival's all about. Perhaps I'll stick to just seeing the bands I really want to see.

But it was a good way to spend a day I didn't want to think about too much. Thanks boys.

Mother's Day

I'm not sure I want Mother's Day. I've been sitting here for a while, thinking about Sam and getting sad, so I thought I'd blog for a while.

Mother's Day hasn't really crossed my mind much this week. Perhaps because I've been so busy. There hadn't been much a sense of dread or anticipation. Until yesterday. I started to think about it a bit yesterday (and obviously others did too, as when I got back from my photography expedition there was a pot of little paper daisies (I think) sitting on the bench waiting for me.

But last night at the engagement party, I really started to feel it. The speeches were what really set me off; I started to think about how I'd never see Sam get engaged. Then some of the people I was sitting with started talking about what a pain kids were, and how they'd never have them, or only wanted babies, but not kids. Of course all I could think about was how much I'd like to see mine. As painful as he was sometimes, he was also pretty awesome.
So by the time I got home, I was a little melancholy. I posted about it on Facebook, and got some lovely messages from people, which helped a bit. I'm glad people are still tuned in enough to do that for me (thank you!). This morning, it's not so bad (perhaps the alcohol I'd consumed had switched my emotions into hyperdrive), but it still hurts. I'm glad I'll be busy all day.

Every Mother's Day I wake up before everyone else. I'm a morning person; tuned to wake up at a certain time, and it doesn't change on the weekends. I might get out of bed a little later, but once I'm awake, I can't just roll over and go back to sleep. For a few years, each Mother's Day I stubbornly waited in bed for everyone else to get up, hoping for some breakfast in bed, or at least a coffee. But the rest of my family are night owls, and like to sleep in, so a while ago I realised that it was never going to change; that I probably wasn't ever going to have the 'kids on the bed' Mother's Day that I'd always had with my parents. Once I figured that out, I enjoyed creating new traditions with my family.

Not that we had any traditions, really. For the past few years, Sam had made me a card and has been getting Ollie to sign it since he was able (I'll have to dig some of them out). We'll often go out somewhere - for a picnic or to the markets, somewhere that I choose. And I never cook. We usually go out with my parents for dinner, and sometimes we do breakfast with Anthony's family, so there's always good food and company involved too.

I've never made a huge deal about Mother's Day. I've always told my family not to bother too much with presents (although I secretly do love getting them!), they just had to be nice to me (all of them), get along (the kids), and maybe give me a massage (Anthony). Sometimes they manage all that plus a pressie, sometimes they manage none of it. :) It's OK though, because the rest of the year, they show me in lots of ways that they love me and appreciate me.

My little family and I have never been all that great at 'Hallmark Days'. We make a big fuss about birthdays, but as I've posted before, we don't really do too much at Christmas and Easter. We don't even acknowledge Valentines Day or Halloween, and Mothers/Fathers Days are fairly low key (as I've described above). For the most part, I'm of the opinion that you should be able to celebrate your loved ones any day of the year, and these days seem mainly geared towards big spending (I know it's hypocritical to criticise this after I've just said I like presents, but don't worry, I'll be able to live with myself!).

Having also worked with people, and then as a teacher for a while now, I have seen the impact these days can have on those who don't fit the traditional mould. I've seen the lonely people celebrating Christmas or Easter at the movies, or at the club. I wonder how a kid who's lost their mum feels when everyone's talking about Mother's Day? What about the kid who never knew their Dad? And what about the woman who desperately wants to have kids, but can't?

Or the mum who's lost their child.

I don't really want to celebrate Mother's Day. I know that I still have one child, and maybe things will change in time, but for now I'm content to be cynical about it. Samuel turned me into a mother, perhaps before I was ready, but he made me the mum that I am now. I don't want to celebrate being a mother without him.