Get this out of my system first

I've got a post planned, but I just wanted to do a little venting (complaining?) first. Sorry if it's 'rambly' and hard to read.

I've gotta admit, I'm struggling a little with the death of K. She was almost exactly the same age as Samuel was when he died, and it's all hitting a little too close to home. She had an asthma attack, which I must admit was what I thought had happened to Samuel for a long time.
I know that each case is different, and I'm so sad for her parents and her family and friends, but I'm also sad because of how much it reminds me of Sam's death. And how much I keep thinking that this stuff just should not happen!

I had been feeling a little sorry for myself anyway, as you know. It just seemed to be a whole lot of things that keep piling on. The inquest had come to an end (we received the updated, final death certificate today). The weather has been getting colder and more miserable. My best friend's grandmother died last week, and we went to her funeral on Thursday. I'd taken Oliver to the doctor and found out there's a chance he might have to have surgery (very minor surgery to have one of his testicles brought down, but I was freaking out about any kind of anesthetic - pathetic I know!). Work has been ultra busy. No one really comes to my Sunday drinks any more :( That person I've mentioned before was back to their old ways...things were just, well, shitty.

Then of course a tragedy like this happens, and you feel a little bit guilty that you were worried about the weather.

So it's been a pretty sad few days. I've been watching on Facebook as a page is set up for K, and people have been writing beautiful messages.
When Sam died, I suspended my account and logged out of Facebook for at least a month (I can't remember exactly how long), because I couldn't face that same outpouring. Funnily enough, once I logged back on, I couldn't get enough of the messages and wonderful support I received on there. I hope that K's family is getting something out of that.

It's not that we're close to K's family, not really. I went to high school with K's dad; I've had coffee with the family once before, and we talk on Facebook a bit, just general stuff that happens between people that are busy living.

But now, somehow we feel a connection. I hate that a connection could be formed over something so horrible, but it's there (Anthony and I have talked about it and we both feel the same). That's where all this 'searching for kindred spirits' came from.

As I've mentioned, when Samuel died, I went looking for people that felt the same way as me. Who had some kind of understanding of what I was going through. It wasn't that I felt that my family and friends were not supportive, because they were, but I wanted to talk to people who knew what it was like to have a great hole cut out of your life; one that can never be filled.

At first, I didn't have much luck; the first group I found online was way too religious for my liking! There are a couple that I have found since then, like Kate, Jaimee and Tammy (thanks girls); and I have found some good support back on Essential Baby.

But this need to reach out; to find other people who had this horrible, traumatic, life changing event envelop their lives was one of the main reasons that I started this blog. If I couldn't find them, I'd pour my heart out into the (cyber) space. Part of me (the part that always makes people want to feel better), also thought that maybe I'd be able to help someone through all of it too.

And I really want to help K's parents. Desperately! I hate that someone else has to go through all this. Someone that I know. This stuff is not supposed to happen!
I went over to see them on Saturday, not knowing if I would be a help, or just a nuisance; someone who just brought them down. I'm hoping it was the former. And I'll do anything else that I can to help them.
On Thursday, Anthony and I will go along to K's funeral. There was never any doubt that we would.

But in the end, there's nothing anyone can do. Those of us who get lumped with this horrible burden go through it so differently. There doesn't seem to be a right way, or a wrong way, just the way that's going to get us through to the other side.

Religion

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog post are my opinions. If you don't agree with them, that's your right, but I'm exercising my right to express them.

I've never been a 'believer'. I think it's fantastic that faith, in whatever religion, is of great comfort to some people and has helped them through some rough times, but it's not for me. I have felt even more strongly about this since Samuel died. If a God 'chooses' to take my Sam, but populates the world with rapists, murderers and other horrible people, then I don't want any part of them. That's not a 'plan' that I'm happy to participate in.

Advice for comforting the bereaved
In the many messages and cards that we received after Sam died, God got a mention. Now I don't mind "You're in our prayers", or "I'll pray for you"; I guess that gives the sender some comfort too. But personally, I'm not going to take much comfort in "God has taken him home" or "he's in a better place", or "it's all part of God's plan". I don't agree! He WAS home, he WAS in a really good place!
When I send a card to someone, I'm not likely to write things that might upset people, but it seems it's perfectly OK to bring religion into it. This seems unusual in a modern world where there are so many religions, and so many non-believers.
It probably sounds petty, but it was one of the things that upset me the most. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciated everyone sending messages, and as I said, they might like to pray themselves, but spare a thought for the people who already have so much on their minds.
So perhaps if you're sending a message, save the religious statements for those people you that you know share your beliefs: members of your family, people in your parish etc. For everyone else, "You're in our thoughts" is just fine.