You've gotta be grateful...

Today would have been Samuel's 18th birthday. So it's a sad day for us in a lot of ways, but I'm choosing to come at it from a grateful angle.

My brother-in-law posted a very important message on Facebook this morning. He said:

"I never knew how much I loved you, and the rest of the family until we lost you, it's a shame that it took losing you for me/us to realise just how important we all are to each other but to me that's your legacy. You have made me realise the true value of family and friends and truly what it means to love someone..."

Losing Sam was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me, but (and I never thought I'd say this) there have been some positive impacts, and this is one of them. Samuel brought our family closer together and I have to be grateful for that. There is also the lesson I learned about balance, the value of not putting absolutely all your energy into work, and of taking advantage of every single minute you have on this earth.

Young mum

I'm also grateful for the things that I learned while Samuel was here. I was a new mum at 22; not young really, but young enough that I didn't know a lot about the world. Samuel taught me all sorts of wonderful lessons about being a parent, having fun, being humble, and loving someone deeply. I also learned funky things like how to play YuGiOh and teach a kid how to ride a bike and cook for a family and that I really wanted to be a teacher...

Most of all, I'm grateful for the memories that I have of him, the time we had together, the fun we had, and that he graced this world for a fantastic 13 years and 9 months. I regret that he didn't get to become an adult, but I can't dwell on that. I will remain grateful for him.

Happy birthday Sam, wherever you are...

Happy Birthday to me

Every time I drop off the blog radar, I come back saying I've been busy.
Well this time I really have been busy. Super-dooper busy!
The end of my uni semester was crazy, with 60 gigantic assignments to mark, which pretty much took up every moment that wasn't filled with work and sleep (my poor little neglected family!).
But, I'm not going to waste your time with that, I've got lots of other exciting adventures to write about!

I'm going to start with Friday. Today's post is about my 38th birthday.

I think I may have mentioned previously that I have spent the last year telling people I'm turning 39 this year. It was only when I was talking about my 40th (and the grand celebration it will be - stay tuned for my 'save the date' cards people!), when I realised that I was actually a year younger than I'd been saying I was. I mean really, Who does that??

Nevermind, it was nice to realise that I was actually a year younger than I'd thought I was. 'Cause I don't like this aging thing. I liked being young and crazy and full of energy (though, I still do have some crazy tendencies - more about that in the next post!)

However I say this, it will sound like whinging, so I'll just whinge. It's tough having a birthday in December. For one, there's the inevitable 'here's your birthday and Christmas present combined' deal, or the suspiciously light-on pressie because everyone's blown their money on Christmas presents. My parents were always pretty good about it (perhaps because my dad's birthday is three days before mine), but it did come from other quarters.
Then there's the 'I can't make your party, I have a Christmas party to go to' thing (hence the 'save the date cards mentioned earlier'. December babies are always competing with Christmas. Mind you, I guess I'm luck I'm not a Christmas Day baby.

So it was with fairly low expectations that I approached my birthday. I'd originally planend to have some drinks at our place, but other events (again, see future posts) meant that I decided to cancel. But I was OK with having a nice quiet day.

It started out well. As usual, I was up well before anyone else. No breakfast in bed for me, but that's OK, because only I can make my eggs the way I like them!

Oliver got up and was his usual gorgeous, charming self. Then Anthony. They gave me a big present and I actually said 'my god, you didn't give me Lego, did you?'. But yes folks, it was Lego. I quite like the Medieval Lego, so Anthony had gotten that for me. I must admit, I was a little disappointed, as Anthony hasn't always been the best present buyer; one year he bought me Guitar Hero for Wii, and he quite often dashes off the night before to buy something.

Then they brought out the Pandora bag. Now, at least a year ago I hinted that I'd like a Pandora bracelet. So when I saw the bag I got excited. Inside was a box, and when I opened it I found this:

Ha ha.


Of course then Anthony showed me the real thing. A lovely silver bracelet. But even better, he had bought a charm with my birthstone, as well as having the boy's names engraved on two silver spacers.

So thoughtful and lovely. But then, that's been Anthony of late...

I then went to work, did a little bit, then had a lovely Christmas lunch with my wonderful colleagues.

There were lots of lovely Facebook messages, which made me feel a bit special, a visit from the family, then a quiet night: a few drinks, a yummy laksa and a snuggle with my boys, and I was happy.

Maybe there is hope for birthdays after all...

Hello?

I know, it's very cheeky of me to think that anyone would still be around after completely neglecting my ever-faithful readers for the last month, but I thought I'd better pop my head in.

In my defence, I've been exceptionally busy since I last spoke with you, not to mention horribly ill for the last couple of days (it's so nice to be able to sit up for any length of time!)
Mind you, I'm not completely better yet. I got hit with a very rapid onset cold on Monday night, and have been in bed since. In fact, I'm writing this while all snuggled up. I think I've got a little bit of a chest infection to be honest, so if I'm not better tomorrow, it's back to the doc. I don't want to get pneumonia (again).

So, my last post was on the 29th of August. I've had many adventures since then: There's been a strike, which is always interesting, if nothing else. There's been lots of work-related hi-jinx with some new, and very interesting and fun, colleagues - did you know it's been a whole year since I started my new job? And I still love it!
I've also started my other casual job doing some tutoring at the Uni. That's been a lot of fun too, though at times frustrating (I'm a little pedantic about spelling and these are university students - I'll say no more...), and scary (do I really know enough to teach at a university level?). I'm even giving a lecture next week, which is even more scary! Still, I'm glad to be doing it. It's a nice kind of teaching.

We had Father's Day, which was a pretty quiet affair, with my Dad away and me not 100% (what is it with me lately?), but the boys did some nice kite flying:

We have also been busy creating a 'Lego Room'. We have an old trailer/caravan thing that's been sitting out in the backyard full of junk, so we cleaned it out (chucking most of the junk out thank goodness!), and moved all the Lego from Oliver's room.

Last week, James and I went to see The Living End at the local uni bar. We probably wouldn't have gone if not for the whole Sam thing. As you know, The Living End was Sam's favourite band, and I had said that I would go the next time they were here. If Sam was alive, he definitely would have been there with me (it was over 18s, but we would have worked something out!), but it was good having James there, as he gets it. So once again, it was a good night tinged with sadness. It was a pretty good night, they always play well and they played enough of their old music to get most of the crowd involved.

I also spent last Saturday night being extremely wicked at the Hen's Night of a good friend: drinks, dancing, strippers, you know - the usual. You know, despite the horror of finding myself at Mooseheads (check out the photo!), it was actually fun, and a bit of an ego boost, as many boys came up and tried it on with me, and not just the ugly desperate ones!
It was a great night in which I (of course) had a bit too much to drink, which was a bit silly as the next day Oliver and I were due to take part in the annual Canberra Times Family Walk. 


Luckily, I was spared any sign of a hangover and we had a pleasant (if very cold) 5km walk around the lake. It's the second year we've done it (my friend Deb went too with her daughter Lucy), and it's lots of fun for a good cause (The Heart Foundation).

Phew! It's no wonder I've had no time for blogging! I will try to get back in here regularly, but it doesn't look like slowing down. We're going on a holiday soon (robbers beware, our house will be inhabited), plus it's not only social season (have you noticed that the social engagements seem to pile up when the weather starts to warm up?), but it's birthday season around our place. This month we've got Anthony's mum's 60th (it was on Tuesday but we're having lunch on Sunday); then in October we've got Oliver and Anthony(40!), as well as Anthony's brother Tim; then in November we've got Anthony's brothers Phil and Christopher and foster sister Ange; and finally in December there's James, my Dad and me! Lots of cake. Not so good for me who is now on a no-cake diet!

Actually, that's the other thing. My doctor told me the other day that I'm 'this close' to diabetes. So I'm going to lose some weight. No, I really am! It may well take up the bulk of my future posts.

So until the next one, much love to you.

A Sam Birthday

Yesterday ended up, once again, being a lovely day.

In the morning, we listened to a few Sam songs, and had a bit of a cuddle and a cry.

Around lunch time, 3 of Anthony's brothers turned up with their partners. We had a lovely hour or so chatting, drinking beer and eating the types of junky food that Sam loved (fairy bread, sweet chili philly, chips and lolly snakes).

A couple of hours later, a big group of Sam's friends turned up. By then, we had lit a fire in the backyard, and they sat around chatting and watching as Oliver and his friend cooked marshmallows (then, possibly because the bigger boys were prompting them - grapes, bread, tomatoes, they even tried a Tim Tam...)

After a while, Oliver got out a bag of water balloons that his friend had brought around, and all the boys (Sam's friends as well as Oliver, his friend and Anthony) had a fairly decent water fight.

My parents and Anthony's other brother came around as the water fight was winding up, and then, after all of them had left, my best friend Sally and her son Jack came over, topping off a lovely day.

Sam would have loved it. Good friends, family, great music (we played a playlist of his songs all day), yummy food and a water fight. A very fitting way to celebrate his 15th birthday.

We were very impressed with his friends, who not only had the idea to come over, took 3 hours out of their Saturday afternoon to spend with us, and then included Oliver and his friend in a game. They are such nice kids (I know I keep saying that, but it's true!), but then again, Samuel wouldn't have been friends with them if they weren't (I know, I keep saying that too!)

So if you're reading this, thanks for turning up. A couple of people didn't, because they obviously have some issues. But hey, it's their loss. We had a great day.

Wish You Were Here

For the last couple of weeks, I've been spending a lot of time at schools. Many of them high schools. In the months after Sam died, I reflected a little more on teenagers, and how wonderful they (especially Sam's friends) were. After yesterday's conference, I am utterly convinced that we're in pretty good hands. They've really got their heads together (most of them), and I know they will contribute a lot to the world.

But of course while I'm observing all this, I'm aching for Sam, and what he could have been. Sam was already showing signs of social conscience, good skills with money, and even some leadership qualities (he had an ability to bring all sorts of people together, mainly through his acceptance of all kinds of people). Every day I regret that I'll never see his life fulfilled.

Sometimes, it's harder to live without Sam than at other times. It's like the grief (or the feelings of loss) comes in waves. There was the horrible emptiness at the beginning, the absolute disbelief that he was gone. Then, we adjusted to that, and could go on with life a bit. In those times, it was a little easier, because we were busy getting on with things.

But now, it's the enormity of it. That he's never coming back. That he won't be getting his license soon, or heading off to University (I like to think that he would have - science maybe?), or finding his first love...

It's different of course. It's not as crippling as it was in the early days. I can still laugh and work and actually face the world (I didn't leave the house at all for the first few weeks). But it's there, in the background, jumping in every now and again. When I least expect it.

Today's Sam's birthday. Last year, we had a nice day with family and friends. This year, they'll come over again. But I'm not nearly as organised. Anthony is halfway through the kitchen renovations, so there's no oven and lots of mess.

But it will be a nice day, because we'll be thinking of Sam.

Cakes are important!

I like to make a big fuss about birthdays. I'm not really a big fan of Christmas (even less so now), so I tend to go a little overboard with birthdays.
Ollie's party was a big success, and he was very pleased with all his pressies.

But he loved the cake. It took me several hours and two cakes, but this is what I ended up making:
It was my first time using fondant, and I won't be commissioned for a wedding any time soon, but Oliver loved it, so that's what counts!

I've always liked making awesome cakes for the boys. This post was going to be about some of them, but I haven't been able to find the photos yet. Perhaps when I find them I'll put them up.

The Party Season

Time to kick off the party season...

Today, we're having Oliver's first 'party' for his birthday week. Today's family for afternoon tea (always way too much food but lots of fun!); Thursday's his actual (7th) birthday, and then next Sunday's his real party (with friends).

We could have both of them on the same weekend, but as Anthony has 4 brothers, family things are never small. It's best to separate them a bit so that Oliver doesn't become completely overtired and feral!

Just over a week later, Anthony's brother Tim has his birthday, and then it's Anthony's the next day. No parties here, but we'll all get together for breakfast.

Then, in early November, Anthony's brother Phil, (foster) sister Ange, and brother Christopher have their birthdays one after the other (3 days in a row). I must say, Anthony's mum was very organised in that way!

Then in December, there's James (Anthony's younger brother), then a week later it's my dad's, then 3 days later it's my birthday. (I'm trying not to think too much about what comes after that).

So as you can see, we're in for a busy 3 months, and that's just birthdays! Don't even get me started on work, home, etc etc!!

I'll be back later for an udpate. I think it will be a nice day though!

Happy Birthday Sam

Sam's 13th Birthday

Yesterday was Sam's birthday. He would have been 14. It would have been very easy to dwell on all the things that he is missing, all the things he was yet to achieve, but we did actually manage to have an OK day.

Thursday night was probably the hardest, when I started to think about the day I had Sam, and all those things I mentioned above. I had a little cry and felt better. Last week I talked about how I'd heard that the week leading up to the birthday is harder than the day, and I think that's true. I'm very glad we went away, because I would have been cranky and emotional. That's not a bad thing I guess, in small doses, but if we hadn't escaped to the beach, I don't think I would have liked myself very much.

On a side note, thinking about the beach, I mentioned to Anthony that I always feel like I'm going home when I go to the coast (he said I probably grew up there in a previous life). I've felt that much more strongly the last couple of times. I think I mentioned in an early post that my first instinct when Sam died was to pack up and run. That feeling faded a bit, but I can't shake the feeling that I should be somewhere else. I love my house, but more and more lately I'm feeling like I won't live here much longer. I really wish I could move to the coast. There are practical reasons that we can't of course (hard to get teaching work there), but I feel like I really need to work towards it. I think I would actually give up teaching if it meant I could live down there. I know they say that you shouldn't make big decisions for at least a year after this kind of traumatic event, and I won't, but more and more I feel like I'm in the wrong place, and if losing Sam has taught me anything, it's that time is precious (something to mull over for another time
perhaps)...

What do you do on a day like this?
The first thing I did when I woke up yesterday was post to Facebook. Sounds weird I know, but it's only because I can do that without getting out of bed (I love my iPhone!). I put a happy birthday message up there for Sam. Then I actually did get out of bed and went and said happy birthday to him (well, to his ashes). I know some people hate Facebook or think it's a waste of time, but I do love that you can share things with people on your on time, on your terms. We got lots of lovely messages on there, from people who we just wouldn't be able to see, and that was really nice. As were the text messages that I got from some lovely, thoughtful friends.

Our usual birthday routine is (was) a lot like what I used to do with my parents. We'd all sit on our bed and give the presents to whoever was having the birthday. Possibly a little cheesy, but nice. Then we'd go to work/school (or somewhere exciting if it was the weekend/holiday) and have dinner somewhere nice in the evening. There was usually cake and then a 'family' celebration on the weekend closest to the day. Lots of food, cake etc.

I spent the morning painting the wall. We put in a new window in the lounge room just before we went away, and I was making it look all pretty. We wanted to test a colour for that wall, as when Anthony builds me my new kitchen (YAY! Can't wait!), we are also going to redecorate our long neglected lounge/dining area. The wall looks quite nice now. It's certainly given us a jump start, got us excited about renovating again.
I'm not really sure why I chose this to do, but it was good. It kept me busy and I wanted it to be done before anyone came over.
The boys and I then went to Bunnings and, after a fair bit of dithering, chose some blinds for the window. Anthony has one up so far, and they look great!

We went out for lunch with my parent and Jezz, at La Porchetta. Not Samuel's all time favourite, but there's no Sizzler in Canberra any more. He liked La Porky's too; we'd had a few birthday dinners there and he, Olllie and I had a nice dinner there when we went to Melbourne together a few years ago. It was a nice lunch, good food, good conversation, a little bit of missing Sam, but not too bad.

Bad choice?
Then I went grocery shopping. I had intended to do it the night before but was feeling too low. In hindsight it probably would have been better to do it then because I wouldn't have been rushing it (it's funny how many unnecessary items you buy when you're rushing - a very expensive exercise!), because I raced in at almost 3, and not long after that people started turning up. Actually, when I turned the corner in the car I said to myself 'please don't let anyone be there yet', but there were two cars in the driveway. Luckily it was Dallas and Sally, mine and Anthony's best friends. And they're more like family anyway, so I didn't feel as bad that I was running late. But it did mean that I was running to catch up and the house wasn't quite the way I wanted it, but it didn't matter in the end. And it's not really that unusual. While I'm fairly organised with food when we're entertaining, I'm almost never on time.

Great Company
When we asked people to come around and help us celebrate Sam's birthday, we weren't really sure what we would do or who would turn up. I must say I was surprised when at 3:15pm about 12 of Samuel's friends from school turned up. It was so great to see them. I gave them coke and chips and sent them into Sam's room, and they seemed to be OK. It was really great to see them and talk to them. What a great bunch of kids they are, but then again we didn't expect anything less from Sam, he wasn't really the type to hang out with idiots.

Samuel's closest friends Jake, Ryan, Patrick and Harry all came over, and we also caught up with their parents. That was great. It's always nice to hear stories about Sam from other people. Patrick's dad Bob brought around some great photos of the boys (they have been friends since Samuel was 3. Actually, Jake and Ryan have been Sam's friends since then too). Ryan was able to solve the mystery of something we had found in Sam's room (and had no idea where it came from) and show us some text messages. It was really nice to talk to Ryan, who has always been a bit shy around us.

The McLauchlan clan were around too. It was very nice to see everyone together (and get to hold baby Ashaan, only 3 weeks old), and we even talked to Tim and Rach (Anthony's brother and his partner, who live in Queensland) on the phone. They bought us some board games (naughty of them, but a nice gesture) and promised to come and play them with us. We used to have lots of games nights: Risk, Settlers of Catan, even Monopoly or poker sometimes, but hadn't done that a lot lately. That will have to change I think. We all played Uno occasionally, and the boys played a few games together, but we haven't had a good games night for a few years.
We ate a lot, as we generally do at those sort of things. We had most of Sam's favourite foods going: fairy bread, chocolate, sweet chilly philly, twisties etc, and Aunty Sue made a lime cheesecake that we enjoyed immensely (Sam loved Sue's cheesecakes), along with mouthfuls of whipped cream pumped straight from the can (another of Sam's loves).
We didn't sing happy birthday or blow out candles, but we did say happy birthday and shared funny memories of Sam, and talked until late at night (Ok, 11pm, but that's late for me!)

All in all, a nice day. Only one thing would have made it better, and that thing's not going to happen. But in the absence of my beautiful Sam, I couldn't have asked for a better day. It's always going to be hard celebrating the birthday of someone who's not with us, but I'm so glad people acknowledged it.

Thanks everyone.

Still Here

No, I haven't disappeared/lost interest.

The boys and I went to Merimbula for a few days, so I took a break from blogging.
My lovely sister-in-law Laura won some free accommodation on a website, and she was kind enough to give it to us. (thank you again Laura!)
We stayed in the same place we have stayed in the last couple of times in Merimbula, but this time we stayed in a cabin. It was very nice, with a big spa and a view of the ocean. There were also lorikeets that visited every day (you'd think Anthony would have had enough of parrots at home, but no...)

The main reason we chose Merimbula again (apart from because we really like it there, it always feels like home to me) is that Anthony was going to get a tattoo. In January when we visited Merimbula, we found a nice little tattoo studio in Pambula. As soon as we walked in there we got a really great vibe. They were friendly and chatted to us, and most of all it was clean!

So we went back there, and on Wednesday Anthony got his tattoo:

It looks a bit dark now, as it still has to heal and settle, but it is an amazing likeness of Samuel. It's something Anthony has been keen on from the day Sam left us, and as you can see he is very happy with it. I think it looks fantastic!

The trip was good for us I think. Tomorrow is Sam's birthday and if I had been here all week, I think I would have gone a little mad. I was cranky and teary on Sunday before we left, and then cranky and teary again this afternoon when we got back. I miss Sam a lot, and his birthday really makes me feel it more. But I think tomorrow will be OK. I will write about it (and some other things) soon.

Marking the Days

It's two months today since Samuel left us. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. So much has happened in that two months. Some of it is good (but always tinged with a little bit of sadness), and most days we are smiling more than we are crying. But it's still hard. So many things I want but at the same time don't want.
It's hard seeing teenagers, but all I want to do is spend time with them.
It's hard listening to music, but even harder not doing it.
It's hard looking at photos but I want to surround myself with them.
It's hard sitting around not doing anything, but some days that's all I want to do.

We spent time with some of our family today, and that was nice.

Next Friday is Sam's birthday. We don't know what to do, or what's even the right thing to do. Is there a right thing to do? (I've asked that question before)
So we've invited people to come around. That seems to be a nice way to spend time, and I think Samuel would appreciate it. Some drinks, nice food, a cake...we hope that maybe some of his friends can come and sit in his room or write on the mural or something, but maybe it's too soon for them. I guess we'll see how it turns out.

More later.
xx

The last good times

I'm planning on writing about Sam's funeral a bit later, so I thought I might do some remembering first.
One thing Anthony and I are both worried about is forgetting. We both have memory issues - some dope smoking back in the day probably hasn't helped - and unless I get it all down, I'm afraid it will disappear forever. At the moment what I most want to hear is Samuel's laugh, because I've forgotten what it sounds like. Unfortunately I probably won't again. We're lucky that we have his voice mail message (five words - "It's Sam, I'll call you back"), and a couple of answering machine messages from his Nanna's phone. So at least I'll never forget what his voice sounds like.

There were two nice occasions in the week leading up to Samuel's death that I'm going to put down. A good way to remember them, or remind myself of them in the future.

My Birthday
On the 16th of December, just 6 days before Sam died, I turned 36. I wasn't all that excited about it, to tell you the truth; I've never really relished the prospect of getting older. But it started the way most of my birthdays do - me up first (I don't really mind, I like the peaceful early morning).
The boys got up, bleary-eyed (Samuel especially was never much good at mornings), and presented me with some CDs and a card:

Samuel was always great with cards. He made them for everyone (well, family anyway). When we were going to a birthday celebration, Samuel would make a nice card.
I've laminated this one for obvious reasons, but I do have a few others. He had done it very discreetly, and got Ollie to sign it. I don't know when, as I was there the whole time (perhaps when I was at work the previous day? Who knows). Anyway, it was very nice.
I went off to work and got a bit spoiled: we had a swimming day with the whole school so I got to go swimming (the day itself was a bit crazy, but better than being stuck in a hot classroom with cranky kids who have had enough of school). A girl in my class even made cupcakes for me and the whole class. What a sweetie!
In the evening, the boys and I went to the Hellenic Club for dinner. Oliver was pretty happy as Santa was sitting in the foyer giving out lolly bags, and he got to play in the games room. Anthony was in and out of there, so it gave Sam and I a good chance to talk. We talked about mobile phones, and he told me about the one he was planning to buy after his birthday (when his current contract ran out and he had some money), music (how we both would have liked to have gone to the Faith No More concert, but were looking forward to Them Crooked Vultures, and a bit about school. The next day they were going to Big Splash for the day.
Samuel ordered flathead, which surprised me, because he usually went for a t-bone at restaurants. He didn't enjoy it very much, it was a bit dry and full of bones (like flathead always is). Samuel had only developed a taste for fish in the last few years, mainly due to his friend Ryan. He had gone fishing with him a few times, and had stayed with Ryan's family at their beach house, and loved going out on the boat with them. Of course, they ate a fair bit of (freshly caught) fish, so he was able to taste it at its best). Now that I think of it, I think that was where he had his first t-bone too!
We were too full for dessert, so we picked up a frozen cheesecake and went home. The boys sang happy birthday and we made pigs of ourselves. All in all, it was a nice evening.

Christmas Drinks
On Saturday the 20th, we went for drinks at Phill (Anthony's brother) and Laura (his partner)'s place. I took the boys over around 7.30pm as Anthony had crashed out on the lounge. There weren't many people there, but a nice atmosphere. Oliver found some other kids to talk to and ended up watching a movie, so Samuel was able to join in with the 'adult' conversation. He hooked into the sweet chilli philly, so much so that I think he felt guilty, and asked me to grab some from the fridge when I went home to pick up Anthony. Of course I got two other text messages from him on the way over there (don't forget my good Apple headphones, don't forget a jumper), he was an accomplished texter (a memory for another day I guess).
We sat around talking, he fiddled with his iPod (one earplug in, one out), and showed me the solitaire game on there. Of course I hijacked the thing until I was able to win the game. He was showing me some of the functions and the album art (he had spent hours the previous weekend downloading heaps of it) and still munching on sweet chilli philly.
A bit later on, James (Anthony's brother) arrived, a little drunk. He was entertaining us with funny stories about a girl he'd been seeing and some of the things that had maybe not gone so well (I remember telling Samuel not to take relationship advice from James, much to his horror). Phill offered James some tequila and he jokingly tried to get Sam to have some. Sam politely declined (might have had something to do with me sitting there saying NO WAY!), but he was such a good, sensible boy, I don't think he would have.
Not long after that, we went home. The boys decided to watch a movie, I think it was 'Zombieland'. I went to sleep hearing Sam (and Anthony) laughing. If I'd known it was going to be the last time I heard that, I would have stayed up...