If you could meet your younger self...

 

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

Alexander Graham Bell

I often wonder what my life would be like if I'd done things differently.

I've made quite a few bad choices in my life. But if I had the chance to go back and tell myself not to do some things, would I do it? Would you?

Thanks to Oliver's unholy fascination with Doctor Who (and to the fact that I'm a product of the 'Back to the Future" 80s), I know that changing any event in history is bad news. But apart from the ripping-apart-the-fabric-of-time-itself thing, what could possibly happen?

Obviously, if I could travel in time, there is one thing that I would definitely change. I would spend all of the night of the 21st of December, 2009, sitting beside my beautiful son's bed, waiting for the moment that I could save his life.
What consequences would that possibly have? Well, we'd still have him, which would be awesome.
There are some good things that have come from this tragic event (if you've been following the journey this year, you will know what I mean). Would they still have happened if we didn't lose Sam? I'd like to think so, but I don't know....


What else might I change?
Well, my whole life, I've wanted to be thin. I resigned myself to the fact that I never will be. But in the back of my mind the wish is still there. If I could visit my 16 year old; perhaps 10-15 kilos overweight but curvaceous and healthy self; would I tell me to just be happy the way I am? Would I let me know that by the time I'm 36, being 15 kilos overweight is actually OK, and much more acceptable than it was in the early 90s? Would I tell me to get to gym and get rid of it now before I have kids and it becomes impossible?

But what would happen if I did? Would I have ended up with Anthony, who actually liked more 'realistic' women? Or would I have stayed with some of the horrible boys who told me I'd be 'the one', if only I was skinnier?

Or what about if I'd done all the travelling I now desperately want to do? If I went back in time, would I tell my 18 year old self to travel now, while I had the chance?

If I'd done those things, I may never have ended up with Anthony. Then I wouldn't have had Sam or Oliver. I wouldn't have the home I have now. I probably wouldn't have gone to uni and got my teaching degree either.

Come to think of it, maybe I would tell myself to study more. To go to uni earlier than 27.

Would I tell me to stop some of the self-destructive behaviour that accompanied me through my late teens and early twenties? Surely that's one change I could make that wouldn't affect too much!

Would I tell myself that buying all those VHS tapes was a mistake? Or that ruffle skirts really were  a mistake? That I should have paid more attention that night I met Dave Grohl and the other boys from Nirvana? That I should have put more on my mortgage (which would have been well and truly paid off now if I had)? Or that school really was the easiest time of my life and I should just enjoy it?

We all have regrets. But how much would we actually change? What would you change?

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

Jonathon Larson 

 

Oh, and thanks to Blog This for the post idea.

Fashion, Family and Feats: my life in 5 year bursts...

The last few posts have been a little melancholy, so I thought I'd jump in on another Blog This challenge:

What were you doing 5, 10, 15, 20 etc years ago? 2005. 2000. 1995. 1990. 1985. 1980. 1975... Just go back as far as you can, we have a wide range of ages in our contributors!
Words, pictures or both, whatever you please.

Over the past few years, I have been thinking about how it would be nice to write some kind of a memoir (I know, I know, I'm only 36, but I've had a fairly interesting life up until now!), but that it's always so hard to remember stuff. This challenge will be a good place to start. As always, I've used photos to hopefully trigger some memories, and give me (and you) a bit of a giggle...

5 Years Ago
Feats and Finances - In 2005, I graduated from university. I was 32. I hadn't gone to uni after year 12, as I had a little bit of living I wanted to do. ;pI quite enjoyed uni, despite giving birth to a baby halfway through my degree. I did well, with a distinction average, and managed not to piss too many people off! I was offered a permanent job in November and spent the last few weeks of the school year working as a relief teacher, mainly at Birrigai, which is an awesome outdoor education school here in the ACT.

Family - In 2005, Oliver was 2 and Sam was 9. I think, deep down, Sam was proud of his mum becoming a teacher, but there was NO WAY he was going to let me teach at his school! Not that I would have anyway!
2005 was also the year that Anthony started getting serious about birds. It started off with a bunch of red rump parrots given to him by a friend, and a stray galah rescued from the side of the road. Now, we have hundreds of parrots of all different shapes and sizes (I'll write about them some time)!

Fashion - In 2005, I had already lost a fair bit of weight. I had been going to the gym regularly and eating well. At the time I said I wasn't dieting, but I certainly didn't eat heaps of junk. In the photo above, I think I'd already lost about 25 kilos. By my birthday/graduation it was over 30 kilos. So 2005 (and 2006) were the years I got interested in fashion again. I could walk in and buy something off the rack. Granted, it was usually a size 14-18 (sizing is just so inconsistent, isn't it!), but it FIT!
Now, of course, I've put almost all that weight on again! Sigh...

10 Years Ago
Family - In 2000, we were well on our way to establishing ourselves as a family. We'd bought our house (in 1998) and were busily knocking down walls, (we still haven't patched all the plaster!) planting our garden and ripping up carpets.
We went on our first 'family holiday' to Sydney, staying in a horrid hotel (above the pub; shared bathroom) in Wynyard in Sydney. We had a nice time though, walking almost everywhere (my boys have always had good stamina for walking - I truly believe it's the best way to see a place!) and doing lots of touristy things.
Samuel started preschool in 2000, and met some of the friends that he kept close until the day he died. He was quite young for preschool; three when he started, but he coped very well with it. We had no doubt that he was ready for it!

Work - In 2000 I had been working at the local cinema for 7 years. Some time around 2000, the management changed and it wasn't as nice a place to work. By 2000 I was the chief projectionist, and had started working as a shift supervisor for some shifts. I liked the shift work, as it meant I could do some of the school stuff (I was on the fund raising committee that year).
Anthony's business was going pretty well; and he was starting to pick up some pretty important jobs around town.

Fashion - In 2000, I didn't really worry about fashion too much. I wore a uniform at work, and as my job was fairly active and dirty, my clothes weren't particularly high fashion. I wore 'comfortable' clothes in my down time, many of which were fairly androgynous. I don't remember it being a particularly conscious choice, it was just what I liked. I was probably also a little conscious of my body/extra weight (which funnily enough, was not nearly as much of a problem as it is now!)

15 Years ago
For some reason, I couldn't find a single photo of me in 1995. This one was taken on New Year's Eve 1994, so it's close:
We were going to a 21st birthday party, with a medieval theme. Anthony must have really liked me even then, for me to talk him into dressing up like that!

Family - 1995 was the year I fell pregnant. I've told this story before, but Anthony and I had been together only about 5 months when I found out. A pretty heavy thing for both of us to have to deal with: me at 21 and him at 23. But we did OK out of it, I think.

Feats and Finances - In 1995, I was busy working as a projectionist at the local cinema. I'd been working there since 1992, and had been asking for a while to work in the projection room. I was told a few times that 'women don't do that job', but kept up my campaign until they gave me the job. I did it pretty well too, and then about 6 months into the job, found out I was pregnant (oh the irony!).

Fashion - Oh how I wish I had some photos for you! 1n 1995, there weren't the lovely, high fashion maternity clothes that there are now. There were (at least in the places I shopped) sacks, smocks and the occasional muumuu. My mum made me a few good bits and pieces (she's a highly talented lady that one, especially when it comes to anything requiring a needle!), but mostly I wore caftans and other shapeless, horrible things. Luckily, it was summer when I was heavily pregnant, so I spent most of my time in water, requiring little by the way of fashion!

20 Years Ago
Family - Well in 1990 I was 16, so I was still ensconced in my 'first' family. I was in year 11, and it was a very exciting year. I found (and lost) my first 'real' boyfriend, met my best friend Sally, and went overseas for the second time in my life (in 1988 I had gone to Indonesia with school as part of the language program).

Feats and Finances - In September 1990, I went to the USA with the ACT Senior Concert Band. We went all over the states, playing concerts as we went. We went to Washington D.C, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Small-town Wisconsin and lots of places in between. We even played a couple of shows at Disneyland. My dad came along for the ride, and quite possibly had more fun than I did, but it was a great experience!

Fashion - I was 16, and above average weight-wise (god I'd love to be that 'fat' again!), so I probably wasn't going to squeeze myself into some of the stuff other 16 year olds were wearing. Which believe me, is NOTHING like what modern day 16 year olds are wearing! I was more of a jeans and Dr Martens girl anyway, and for the most part, made fairly acceptable fashion choices!
25 Years Ago
Family - In 1985 I was 12. I was in year 6 and excited about high school, from what I remember! We'd been living in our house for 4 years, and I'd made some pretty good friends around the neighbourhood. Our area was still pretty new, but growing rapidly.
Feats and Finances - I seem to remember I was OK at writing in primary school, and quite enjoyed drama. I generally got pretty good reports and got along with most people. It's very possible that I tried my first cigarette in year 6 (but don't tell my mum and dad!).

Fashion - It was the 80s! What can I tell you, except that I was no exception! I don't know if these are all 1985, but they were definitely taken between 1983 and 1986. Note the socks and sandals!
30 Years Ago
Well there's not really all that much I can tell you. It was 1980, I was 6, and I obviously liked pink ponchos. 'nuff said!
35 Years Ago
The year was 1975...I was nearly 2, completely gorgeous:
and possibly slightly perturbed at the arrival of my little brother:
Isn't it amazing how much goes on in 5 years? So many changes in between those times...
I wonder what I'll be doing in 2015??

Oh, and if you liked this post, please feel free to vote for it.

Time to grieve

Is there a time limit for grief? Do I have a certain amount of time before I have to 'just get on with it'?

Lately I've been reading and hearing about other people's experiences with grief, and they are inevitably confronted by people who think they should be 'over it'. Sometimes not long after they have lost someone, sometimes years later. Thankfully I don't have too many horrible, inconsiderate people in my life saying these kinds of things, but it has certainly got me thinking.

To me, 4 months isn't that long. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago that Sam was here with us, and other times I can feel him, hear him, see him, like he was here only yesterday. But the times when I realise, when it really hits me, that I won't see him again -ever- that's when the grief hits full force.

It doesn't cripple me. Well, not in ways that stop me from functioning completely anyway. But it does manifest in ways that will probably affect aspects of my life or my relationships with people.
And how long can I sustain that? How long can I ask people to put up with it, before they get sick of it and start telling me 'get over it' or ' you should be over it by now'? (yes lovely readers, people have actually said these things to the grieving folk I mentioned earlier).

It's going to have an affect on my health. I know I'm not looking after myself very well - eating too much crap (or just too much), drinking too much, not talking about things when I should, not exercising enough...all of these things will have an impact that I'll have to address at some stage, but how can even begin to get my head around my weight issues etc when I am still trying to get my head around losing one of the great loves of my life?

And I don't want to go out partying. Not really. There are of course times when I enjoy a night out, but they don't happen often. Mostly because I don't want to be away from Ollie or Anthony for too long. I don't want to drink and dance and pretend everything's OK. I want to stay at my house where it's safe and I know where everyone is and what they're doing.

I don't even really want to work. I used to love teaching so much, and sometimes I still do, but the rest of the time I just don't feel like I'll do it justice. I'm certainly not prepared to put in the kind of hours that I used to, and when I think about it, that's probably going to restrict my career path. I'm not going to get promoted with that kind of attitude.

Thankfully I don't feel like this all the time. There are times when I do the right thing, take care of myself a bit better. Times when the grieving part of me shrinks back a little.
But it always comes back. How long will it go on I wonder? It's a rhetorical question I guess. I know the answer. It never goes away, it just gets smaller or easier to deal with (well that's what people say anyway). But what if it takes me too long? What if I lose some other things in that time?

It'll pass (or it'll fade at least), but I don't know when that will happen. Please don't tell me, because you don't know either. Thanks in advance though, to those of you that I know will stick it out with me.

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot