Another funeral

It was pretty awful.
I'm going to say now that I hate that it always comes back to Sam, but then again, it's always going to, isn't it?
I am very sad for my friends, and very sad for the group of people who are close to them and their daughter, who now have to start grieving. She was a lovely girl, and it was obvious by the number of people at her funeral that she was very well loved.

I had only met her a couple of times. I remember her as sweet, and gentle and very friendly. Her funeral was very moving and lovely, with some beautiful moments - when her mother, brother and sisters got up and spoke; when one of K's friends spoke beautifully; when one of her teachers spoke the words many people were obviously thinking.

When they were describing her, I was reminded of myself as a teenager. She was always trying to help people, always smiling, didn't like seeing people unhappy, wanted to be friends with everyone, not just one little group of people (and sometimes some of those little groups got angry with her). That was what I was like at school too. It's what I'm like now too, sometimes. Her birthday was 2 days before mine, too. Perhaps it's a Sagittarius thing.

But I have to admit, my thoughts did keep coming back to Sam. Their funerals were so different, and yet so similar. I certainly cried more at K's funeral than I did at Samuel's. Lots more. Especially afterwards.

I guess there are going to be lots more times that I feel this overwhelmed by grief. And it will be a long time before things are good or normal.

I'm having a day off today because I just feel so drained. I've had a little cold on and off for a few weeks now, but it's not really that. I think it's been building up for a couple of weeks now. I've got a terrible headache that is probably stress related, and my body just feels so sore and tired. I'm sure it's all stress, but I'm just going to have a quiet, nothing day.

Looks like Oliver will too.
When we picked him up yesterday after the funeral, he said "so many people are dying". I thought: what a sad thing for a six year old boy to have to be thinking about.

But I've gotta admit, it's exactly what I was thinking too. First, of course there was the Sam thing, which we're all having trouble adjusting to. Then there was my best friend's grandmother last week (which was sad, because of how my friend was feeling, but a different kind of sad, because, after all, she was 90). Then there was K. So much death. Too many unnecessary deaths!

I guess he's worried about who's going to die next. I know that thought's always in the back of my mind. I told him that people die all the time, it just happens that lately it's been people that we know. I also told him that no one we know is likely to die any time soon.
He didn't ask any more questions, and was fairly chirpy after that, so hopefully it's not worrying him too much.

But we're going to have a day off together today. I know it sounds like I'm a terrible mother, not sending him to school, but I don't care. He has got a weird looking rash on his arms, so I will take him to the doctor, but really, it's more of a mental health day for both of us.

Get this out of my system first

I've got a post planned, but I just wanted to do a little venting (complaining?) first. Sorry if it's 'rambly' and hard to read.

I've gotta admit, I'm struggling a little with the death of K. She was almost exactly the same age as Samuel was when he died, and it's all hitting a little too close to home. She had an asthma attack, which I must admit was what I thought had happened to Samuel for a long time.
I know that each case is different, and I'm so sad for her parents and her family and friends, but I'm also sad because of how much it reminds me of Sam's death. And how much I keep thinking that this stuff just should not happen!

I had been feeling a little sorry for myself anyway, as you know. It just seemed to be a whole lot of things that keep piling on. The inquest had come to an end (we received the updated, final death certificate today). The weather has been getting colder and more miserable. My best friend's grandmother died last week, and we went to her funeral on Thursday. I'd taken Oliver to the doctor and found out there's a chance he might have to have surgery (very minor surgery to have one of his testicles brought down, but I was freaking out about any kind of anesthetic - pathetic I know!). Work has been ultra busy. No one really comes to my Sunday drinks any more :( That person I've mentioned before was back to their old ways...things were just, well, shitty.

Then of course a tragedy like this happens, and you feel a little bit guilty that you were worried about the weather.

So it's been a pretty sad few days. I've been watching on Facebook as a page is set up for K, and people have been writing beautiful messages.
When Sam died, I suspended my account and logged out of Facebook for at least a month (I can't remember exactly how long), because I couldn't face that same outpouring. Funnily enough, once I logged back on, I couldn't get enough of the messages and wonderful support I received on there. I hope that K's family is getting something out of that.

It's not that we're close to K's family, not really. I went to high school with K's dad; I've had coffee with the family once before, and we talk on Facebook a bit, just general stuff that happens between people that are busy living.

But now, somehow we feel a connection. I hate that a connection could be formed over something so horrible, but it's there (Anthony and I have talked about it and we both feel the same). That's where all this 'searching for kindred spirits' came from.

As I've mentioned, when Samuel died, I went looking for people that felt the same way as me. Who had some kind of understanding of what I was going through. It wasn't that I felt that my family and friends were not supportive, because they were, but I wanted to talk to people who knew what it was like to have a great hole cut out of your life; one that can never be filled.

At first, I didn't have much luck; the first group I found online was way too religious for my liking! There are a couple that I have found since then, like Kate, Jaimee and Tammy (thanks girls); and I have found some good support back on Essential Baby.

But this need to reach out; to find other people who had this horrible, traumatic, life changing event envelop their lives was one of the main reasons that I started this blog. If I couldn't find them, I'd pour my heart out into the (cyber) space. Part of me (the part that always makes people want to feel better), also thought that maybe I'd be able to help someone through all of it too.

And I really want to help K's parents. Desperately! I hate that someone else has to go through all this. Someone that I know. This stuff is not supposed to happen!
I went over to see them on Saturday, not knowing if I would be a help, or just a nuisance; someone who just brought them down. I'm hoping it was the former. And I'll do anything else that I can to help them.
On Thursday, Anthony and I will go along to K's funeral. There was never any doubt that we would.

But in the end, there's nothing anyone can do. Those of us who get lumped with this horrible burden go through it so differently. There doesn't seem to be a right way, or a wrong way, just the way that's going to get us through to the other side.

The Dragonfly

You may (or may not) have noticed a dragonfly on the mural. Today I'd like to tell you about it.

A few days after Sam's funeral, a good, old (not old as in elderly, but old as in I've known her since high school) friend called and told me she was going to drop something off for us. A little while later she drove up, put an envelope in my hand, and then drove off again.

In the envelope was a letter, and a lovely dragonfly ornament (which now hangs just below a framed photo of Samuel - the one we had on display at his funeral - in our lounge room) :
In the accompanying note, my friend told us about how at the funeral, she and our other friends watched a dragonfly fly into the chapel, perch on the curtains (near where Samuel's friends were standing) for a while, and then hover over our (Sam's family) heads. Apparantly it did so for a while, and then flew away.

I had never noticed the dragonfly, and neither had Anthony or Oliver, but my Dad had seen it near the curtains.

In some cultures, dragonflies are a very significant. They are different things to different people, but commonly they are said to represent renewal, positive forces, and change. The native Americans believe that dragonflies are the souls of the dead.

Now as I have said before, I'm not an enormously spiritual person, but for some reason this story touched me. Some of it was that my lovely friend had also been so touched by this that she went out of her way to find the dragonfly ornament, but some of it was also a hope that the dragonfly was (in some way) telling us that everything was OK.

Maybe it was just a coincidence (there are many water features in the grounds of the crematorium), but then again, maybe it was the spirit of Sam. I'm not prepared to discount that altogether, even though I don't know if I understand it.

Whatever the explanation, all of us were happy to take on the dragonfly as a symbol for Sam. Dragonflies are beautiful things, and it gave us something tangible to plant a memory in. Some would say we are silly, superstitious, maybe even hypocritical considering my feelings about religion and 'the soul', but it has been a nice symbol to use.

I felt so strongly about it, that I bought this brooch in Merimbula (please excuse the picture quality, I will take a better one later):
I never buy jewelery, in fact, I hardly even wear it, but I was drawn to this and Anthony convinced me to buy it. I think it's beautiful.

It's funny too, we never noticed (or saw) dragonflies in the past, except this one that landed on the door of our unit when we first went to Merimbula in 2004:
But now we see them everywhere. I know it's because of a consciousness thing (we're subconsciously looking for them?), but it still gives us a little thrill when we see one. When we went to Merimbula in January, one was flying along with us as we drove through Mimosa Rocks National Park; when we went blackberry picking recently there was one just sitting on a plant; and Anthony told me about the one that hovered around him while he was working in the back yard, then hovered over the playground (we have a big playground in out backyard that we bought when Oliver was born, so that Sam would have something to do if baby care got too boring for him), flew around the yard a bit and then flew off.

Each time this has happened we think of Sam, and a little bit of us believes that it's him keeping an eye on us. I kinda like that he is...

Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair...

Tonight I draw your hair.
A hair of simplicity,
With a mysterious beauty,
That no one can ever resist,
A hair that blooms with the sun,
That always shines every sunrise,
And turns into deep black at sunset,
A hair of smooth silk,
That touches my face like a baby,
And comforts my soul into a sleeping baby,
Like the lullaby that can put me into sleep,
Your hair blooms unlike any other.

-GanNi

Samuel had beautiful hair. He had curly hair that was a beautiful blonde/gold colour. Actually, it wasn't just one or two colours, it was many different shades, highlights. The type of colour that (mostly) women would pay hundreds of dollars for. And the curls! So beautiful!

He got his curls from me. The blonde I'm not so sure. Anthony had blonde hair when he was younger but it got darker. Oliver started out blonde, but his hair's pretty dark now. But Samuel kept the blonde hair all along.

There were many times that he hated his hair (don't we all though). We kept it longer when he was little, mainly because we loved the beautiful blonde curls. He did get mistaken for a girl once or twice, but people just mostly commented on how gorgeous he was.

When he was about 3 he decided he wanted it short. I think some of that might have been related to a terrible battle we had with head lice around that time. The little buggers were completely resistant to the first 3 or 4 treatments we tried, so we spent many months (and about $100) trying to get rid of them. So he joined Anthony in the razor brigade and for a long time was a 'number 2'.

When Sam got to about year 5 he started keeping it a bit longer. His nanna would take him to get his hair cut and he kept it like that for a while.

It was about then that he discovered his unruly cowlicks were never going to allow him to have the spiky,
straight hair styles that were du jour for kids his age. So he started keeping it a bit longer.

Everybody loved it long. It just really suited him. He still had his moments of being uncomfortable about it all (Samuel never really liked being the centre of attention - unlike Oliver!), but I think he secretly liked the compliments he received.

It wasn't always pretty though - every morning we all laughed at his unruly mop as he emerged from the bedroom, and he wasn't always pro-active about brushing it. But it always seemed to look OK anyway.

He also still had the occasional bout of head lice. The most recent was in about September last year. It sounds weird, but spending an hour with him, brushing gunk through his hair, listening to music and chatting, was pretty nice. By last year he was spending much more time with his friends than with us, so I quite enjoyed that little moment. (Enjoy them while you can parents, they move on pretty quick!)

There was also a time early last year where the girls at his school 'attacked' Sam with the hair straightener. I didn't hear much about it until I went to the parent/teacher night and a couple of the teachers told me about it. It's funny he never mentioned it until then, I think he might have been a little embarrassed about the attention, especially from girls (he wasn't as confident around them as his friends, but I think the girls did like him).

And then there was his last hair cut. Money's always a little tight for us, and I had a bit of trouble coming up with money for him to get his hair cut. So I cut it. Let me preface this story by telling you that as a hairdresser, I make a fantastic teacher. So I was actually very surprised when he allowed my to cut it. We had agreed that if it didn't look any good we'd get out the clippers and shave it all off. But he said it was OK. I thought it looked dreadful, and many people told me to never go near his head again, but he wore it proudly. I like that.

When I went to see Samuel at the viewing, I didn't really want to touch him. I didn't want to feel how cold he was. But I did touch his hair. I loved his beautiful hair. A few days later my parents turned up with a lock of hair that the funeral director had cut off for us. I was so happy to have it. I put a little bit of it in my locket, behind a photo of him. It's nice to have that close to my heart.

The Mural

During Samuel's funeral, we invited his friends (and anyone else) to come and write messages for him on the coffin (I know, I haven't written about that, I'm getting there...). It was a really nice moment and it got me thinking.

We didn't want to leave Samuel's ashes at the crematorium; it's a fair way away from our house and we wanted him close. We thought about the cemetary closest to us, but we didn't really have any connection with that. So we brought him home with us. The ashes currently live in his bedroom, wrapped in a The Living End t-shirt, and that's working OK for us right now. Who knows what we'll do in the future, but I figure we've got time to work it out.

But that did leave the problem of where would people go to pay their respects? That's one good thing about a grave or memorial site, you can go and visit talk (or just sit).

So we decided to create a mural. It's on the side fence, so people can do it without having to come and see us, and so far there's been no vandalism or anything.

The paint was donated by a friend of Anthony and I did all the spray work. The small panel on the right is what Ollie did that day. It says "Samuel I had so much fun from Oli". We put our own messages on (this is mine - I know, I spelled gorgeous wrong, DOH!):

We have had a lot of people (especially kids) coming and writing messages on the mural, which is really nice. On Sam's birthday, all his friends went out there and wrote birthday messages.
It might be a little unconventional, but it's working well for us. When we get our act together, we're going to put a little garden bed out there, and plant a couple of blueberry plants (Samuel loved blueberries).

We're very happy that people are using it.

Celebrating Sam's Life. Part 2

This is the second post about the day we said goodbye to Sam (the first is here). It may be upsetting to some people. But I've gotta do it. I want to remember it. Don't read it if you will get upset.

When we went into the chapel to sit down, I noticed just how many people were there. All the seats were filled, and so was the foyer, and there were also people standing outside the foyer and in the courtyard to the side. I can't explain but it made me feel good to know that Samuel was so well thought of. We'd assumed there would be a few people there, but it was also 4 days after Christmas, so we knew that many people wouldn't be able to come.

Teenagers shouldn't have to go to a funeral
I was really pleased to see so many of Samuel's friends and school mates there. I know it must have been very hard for them, but we had really wanted them there. We deliberately included certain parts of the service to make them feel more comfortable. Right from the start we were so aware of the impact Sam's death would have on them. We were of course devastated, but to a teenager, your friends are your life. To have one suddenly die with no explanation must be such a blow. When you're a teenager you're supposed to be invincible!

As we sat down, 21 Guns by Green Day came on. We hadn't planned it at all, it was pure coincidence. This was a song that Sam loved, and it brought almost everyone to tears before the service had even begun.
John stood up and began his introductions. Then Anthony and I stood up to read the eulogy. I hadn't known until about 1 minute before I stood up that I would actually be able to. But I was surprised that we actually managed to get through it without breaking down.
Then my Dad spoke, giving all the thanks to everyone (I can never repay some people for what they did for me, especially on that day, but I did want to thank them publicly). He spoke very well too (I don't know where we found the strength!)
Then Anthony's brothers got up. James shared his memory of the concert trip, and reminded us of Samuel's love of a good steak, Tim talked about tickling Sam so much that he vomited (well, Sam did try to warn him), Phillip talked about their trip to the zoo where Sam got to feed the tiger and then 'tamed' the llama. There was apparently a llama at the zoo that would never come anywhere near people, but he walked up to Sam and ate out of his hand. Sam got his Dr Dolittle-ishness from Anthony I think. He always loved animals and was very gentle. I'm not really all that surprised about the llama.
Christopher got up and tapped the microphone. "I've always wanted to do that" he said, and everyone cracked up, which was nice. He then read "Do not stand at my grave and weep" (beautifully I might add). He then decided to go off on a bit of a tangent about space travel and such, but because we're all used to that, we were able to head him off without too much trouble (Christopher has autism and occasionally doesn't realise when it's time to stop talking).

Then they played the slideshow. I'd put together a slideshow of photos of Sam (many of them I have put up here). It was set to three songs:

• Last night on Earth - Green Day
• I miss you - Blink 182
• Home - Foo Fighters

We chose the songs very carefully. We wanted them to be songs that Samuel liked from bands he liked. These three bands were right up there with his favourites (as you know Green Day were his 2nd favourite after The Living End, but we just couldn't find one by them that we thought fit the occasion, and that wouldn't be too loud for some of the 'oldies' in attendance).
One evening - I think it was some time around Christmas, I can't remember - Anthony, Oliver and I went for a drive in the jeep; out the back of Tharwa where Anthony used to take the boys (and me sometimes) driving. We listened to a CD James had made for us, and thought about which songs would go well. The Green Day and Blink 182 songs were on there. I had always found the Foo Fighters one very poignant (I think I'd even like it played at my funeral), and as I've mentioned before, Samuel, Anthony and I (and even Ollie a little) shared a love of the Foo Fighters.
As you can imagine, after the slideshow there wasn't a dry eye in the house, so Lorraine (nanna) did pretty well to get up and talk. She passed on a message from Jonathon (Anthony's son from a previous relationship) and then passed back to John. While they were speaking (John read a message from Jake, Samuel's best friend), the big group of teenagers (Sam's friends and school mates) filed past the coffin and wrote lots of lovely messages on it. It was such a nice moment. A few of our other family and friends came up and wrote messages too.

Then John gave the committal and the coffin was lowered while they played the song 'Time of your life" by Green Day. This song was one of Sam's favourites anyway, and it kind of fit the day. We were also pretty blown away when we found the chords for it (and nothing else) in a folder in Sam's guitar case. I'd heard him playing "Fire Water Burn" by the Bloodhound Gang on the guitar, but not Green Day. I think we made a good choice. Some of the kids were writing "hope you had the time of your life" on the coffin, and they have been on the mural too.

After that we went outside and it was just like before the service. Lots of people, lots of hugs, lots of tears. It was nice but I was tired and shell-shocked and just wanted to stop. So when everyone had sort of filtered off, we went down to the wake. There were a few people there, and I was pleased to see a few of Sam's friends. They were very nice and made my cousin Sarah (who was almost exactly one year older than Sam) feel welcome.

It was only when I got to the wake that I felt myself relax. I had a beer (the first in a week - believe me, I hadn't felt like drinking at all up until then!), chatted to people, at some point had something to eat, and had a few more drinks. We had Sam's music and there was a really good vibe (well, as good as it could be). We shared stories about Sam and drank (and even laughed a little) and I felt a little bit of the tension ebb away.

They say the hardest part is the days leading up to the funeral (the business end, as a dear friend called it). I think they're right. I certainly felt a little better when it was all done. And I was even able to sleep a little that night (just a little).

Celebrating Sam's Life. Part 1

This post is about the day we said goodbye to Sam. It may be upsetting to some people. But I've gotta do it. I want to remember it. Don't read it if you will get upset.

I woke up early. Well, when I say I woke up, I mean I got up. We weren't really sleeping all that much in the first week. In fact, for the week we had pretty much camped in the lounge room together, pushing the lounges and the ottoman together in a big 'bed'. That's where we lay, not really sleeping, not really awake, just processing and being close to each other.

The Viewing
I don't remember much more of the morning, until 10, when we got ready to go to the viewing. Right from the start I had said that I did not want to see Sam, that I had a picture in my head that I didn't want erased. Mind you, I had seen him lying in that bed anyway, and every time I said that, it was that image that came to my mind, not the one I wanted to remember.
It wasn't until we got to the funeral home that I decided I wanted to look at him. In hindsight, I'm glad I did, but gee it was hard.
He looked great in the bright green Living End t-shirt, and the hemp jeans he had bought in Manly and was so proud of. His hair was clean and curly, like I remembered it, but there was something wrong (well, of course there was, he wasn't alive). He was too cold, too still.
The moment I saw him I broke down. I think it was then that it became a little bit real for me. I cried and cried and cried but couldn't bring myself to touch him. Finally I stroked his hair, said goodbye and put the note I had written for him in his pocket. That was enough for me. I sat in the chapel a little longer, while some of the others came in, then I went out into the waiting room. That was it for me. I didn't want to go back.

Before
The time between the viewing and the funeral is also a blur, but I think I had a nap.
James came to pick us up around 3pm. He drove us there in our car. I was pretty OK until we went round the roundabout into the crematorium. There were heaps of people standing outside the chapel, and I was pretty overwhelmed. James dropped us off around the back and I knew it would take a few minutes to 'get my shit together'. I went down to the toilet and actually hid when I saw someone coming out of there. I don't know who it was, but I wasn't ready.

A few minutes later we walked out to the front of the chapel. I couldn't believe how many people were there! The first person that came up was my mum. She gave me a hug and from then on, I couldn't stop the tears. So many people came up and hugged me, some I knew well, some I didn't. There were people there I hadn't seen in years, and family who had come from Melbourne. My uncle Steve had flown up just for the service. I remember breaking away from someone to hug my uncle Eric, who I'd just spotted behind them (I'm sorry if you were that person). I could hear the music we'd organised playing in the background: The Living End, Offspring, Foo Fighters, Blink 182, Green Day; it seemed weird but also so right.

Sam's Coffin
We'd specifically asked for no flowers, so I was happy to see how they had set up Sam's coffin. Phillip (the funeral director) had been so wonderful; so understanding and willing to accommodate anything we wanted to do. These are the things that were arranged on the coffin:

• His Green Day shirt. I've already talked about how special that was.

• His football: he wasn't a huge footy head (thank god!), but he was pretty active, and had worked hard to develop his fitness and skills over the past couple of years.

• A little guitar: we bought this for him at a little market in Fremantle. Significant because he was really getting into the guitar in the last couple of years. (As an interesting side-note; Sam had been Googling guitar chords and learning how to play his favourite songs. The first one in his folder in 'Time of your life' by Green Day. You'll see later why this is significant).

• The Mambo bag. There were two reasons for this: he loved surfwear, especially Rip Curl and Mambo; and the bag appealed to his sense of humour, which we wanted to highlight. He thought the bag was so funny, he bought a t-shirt so he could get it (truth told, he probably did want the shirt too!), and then hung the bag up on his bedroom wall.

• The hat. I'm not really sure why we included this. Sam was always a good hat wearer. and had a heap of them, but maybe it was just because a couple of my favourite photos of Sam included the hat:

We were very happy with how it looked. There was also a big, framed picture of him too:
More later.
xx