I read this morning that 10% of the people we meet will take an instant dislike to us.
I'm appalled! Everyone should just like me! I'm nice and friendly. Aren't I??
Despite the dramatics, cleverly designed to make you think I don't actually care, this concept does not sit well with me.
I like it when people like me. And I try very hard to be receptive: I listen carefully, ask questions that show I'm interested, smile, act politely and mind my body language. I hate thinking that 10 of the people that I've met in the last year don't like me.
I know, I know, it's a personality flaw, and a major indication of my insecurities and low self-esteem, but I'm always going to wonder now, especially when I meet someone new: are they one of the 10%?
Because I've always been a pretty good judge of character. I read people fairly well (or so I thought - I've obviously had blinkers on to the whole 'I don't like you' thing, but that's more denial I think!). I can usually tell if they're going to be annoying, or rude or quite lovely. I'll be on the look out for the hate signals now!
My kids have varying degrees of success with judging someone's character. Samuel, bless him, was just such a nice guy who didn't want to ruffle any feathers or make anyone feel bad. So he often hooked up with unsavoury types. The kind of kids who'd swap him something really lame for something of his (like the bloody kid who duped him out of his game-boy for a stack of footy cards - don't worry, we got them back!), or steal from him outright (like the one who stole his phone, on the pretense of 'having a look'). He learned his lesson though, and had built up a really good group of friends by the end.
Oliver's a little less tolerant. At the beginning of the year, he told me there was a new kid at school and that he really didn't like him. I'd never heard him say anything like that before. Well, this kid was the one that stuck a knee into his injured groin last week. So it looks like he may be a pretty good judge of character after all.
I'd like to think that I'm above making a decision about a person before I've given them half the chance, but the truth is that there have been a few people in my life that I've taken an instant dislike to. It's that whole 'they rub me up the wrong way' thing. For me, it's usually the people that just won't shut up. They are constantly talking about themselves, usually butting in on other people to do so.
I guess we all have things that irk us, and seeing those things in people are probably going to be the trigger for those negative feelings.
Have you ever taken an instant dislike to someone?
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A Sam Birthday
Yesterday ended up, once again, being a lovely day.
In the morning, we listened to a few Sam songs, and had a bit of a cuddle and a cry.
Around lunch time, 3 of Anthony's brothers turned up with their partners. We had a lovely hour or so chatting, drinking beer and eating the types of junky food that Sam loved (fairy bread, sweet chili philly, chips and lolly snakes).
A couple of hours later, a big group of Sam's friends turned up. By then, we had lit a fire in the backyard, and they sat around chatting and watching as Oliver and his friend cooked marshmallows (then, possibly because the bigger boys were prompting them - grapes, bread, tomatoes, they even tried a Tim Tam...)
After a while, Oliver got out a bag of water balloons that his friend had brought around, and all the boys (Sam's friends as well as Oliver, his friend and Anthony) had a fairly decent water fight.
My parents and Anthony's other brother came around as the water fight was winding up, and then, after all of them had left, my best friend Sally and her son Jack came over, topping off a lovely day.
Sam would have loved it. Good friends, family, great music (we played a playlist of his songs all day), yummy food and a water fight. A very fitting way to celebrate his 15th birthday.
We were very impressed with his friends, who not only had the idea to come over, took 3 hours out of their Saturday afternoon to spend with us, and then included Oliver and his friend in a game. They are such nice kids (I know I keep saying that, but it's true!), but then again, Samuel wouldn't have been friends with them if they weren't (I know, I keep saying that too!)
So if you're reading this, thanks for turning up. A couple of people didn't, because they obviously have some issues. But hey, it's their loss. We had a great day.
In the morning, we listened to a few Sam songs, and had a bit of a cuddle and a cry.
Around lunch time, 3 of Anthony's brothers turned up with their partners. We had a lovely hour or so chatting, drinking beer and eating the types of junky food that Sam loved (fairy bread, sweet chili philly, chips and lolly snakes).
A couple of hours later, a big group of Sam's friends turned up. By then, we had lit a fire in the backyard, and they sat around chatting and watching as Oliver and his friend cooked marshmallows (then, possibly because the bigger boys were prompting them - grapes, bread, tomatoes, they even tried a Tim Tam...)
After a while, Oliver got out a bag of water balloons that his friend had brought around, and all the boys (Sam's friends as well as Oliver, his friend and Anthony) had a fairly decent water fight.
My parents and Anthony's other brother came around as the water fight was winding up, and then, after all of them had left, my best friend Sally and her son Jack came over, topping off a lovely day.
Sam would have loved it. Good friends, family, great music (we played a playlist of his songs all day), yummy food and a water fight. A very fitting way to celebrate his 15th birthday.
We were very impressed with his friends, who not only had the idea to come over, took 3 hours out of their Saturday afternoon to spend with us, and then included Oliver and his friend in a game. They are such nice kids (I know I keep saying that, but it's true!), but then again, Samuel wouldn't have been friends with them if they weren't (I know, I keep saying that too!)
So if you're reading this, thanks for turning up. A couple of people didn't, because they obviously have some issues. But hey, it's their loss. We had a great day.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Christmas
Christmas Eve was quite nice. Oliver was determined that he was going to go to bed nice and early so that he wouldn't be 'too tired to go to sleep'. We did the whole carrot and cookies thing and then he actually did a good job of falling asleep quickly. Oliver used to be a terrible sleeper (perhaps it's a good topic for another day), but for the last couple of years has mastered going to sleep and sleeping well.
I made shortbread (I do every year, using my great-grandmother's recipe) while Anthony tidied up and wrapped presents.
You might wonder why I mention this, but Anthony hasn't always been so....domestic....
I'll tell you about it some day; but while Anthony has always been a great provider and supportive partner, I have generally been the nurturing/housework/cooking partner. His attitude to this side of family life has changed lately, and it's lovely!
Pressies! Isn't that what Christmas is all about?? ;p
We actually made it to bed before midnight, which was nice, and as usual, I was up before Oliver! In the last 7 or so years, neither of the kids have ever managed to get out of bed before me on Christmas Day. Which is OK, I love sitting in the lounge room and watching their reaction when they see all the pressies.
Of which there were quite a lot this year.
I can't help myself! I've mentioned before that I love giving people presents, and while I try every year to scale down my gift buying, I always manage to buy too many for the kids.
Part of the trouble is that I buy quite a few gifts earlier in the year. I like to be organised, and I'll usually order something through Chrisco and buy some cool things in sales during the year.
Then, of course I'll go shopping just before Christmas (just for a few stocking stuffers!) and see a whole lot of things that I know the kids (or Anthony) would love. So I buy those too! Before you know it, there's a great pile under the tree on Christmas morning.
Not that I'm too worried. Despite the fact that I'm really good at spending money, I spend it well, and never spend so much that we have to go without other things. I've never had a credit card, and I think that helps!
And Oliver doesn't mind either! I know it will probably come back to bite me on the bum one day when he's a spoiled, Dudley Dursley-type child (Last year you bought 37 presents! This year there's only 36!), but seeing his excited face just does it for me every time!
This is what our loungeroom looked like Christmas morning:
And yes, most of those presents are for Ollie!
And the 'other' Christmas duty?
We'd made a decision fairly early in December that we would go to Anthony's aunt and uncle's house for Christmas lunch, because there are always lots of people there and Oliver was keen to be around lots of people. When we got there, we found out that Oliver would be the only kid there, which kinda sucked, but it did mean he had the attention (sort of) of all his uncles and aunties.
So we knew it was going to be a busy day. In the past, we have just gone to see one side of the family, because I've always thought the running around was a little ridiculous. We give our kids all this cool stuff, then whip them out of the house for a good 6 hours - away from everything they've just unwrapped (then come back too exhausted to do anything!).
Since I'd always decided to do Christmas just for the kids, this always seemed a little weird, so one set of family it was...
Was. This Christmas Day, we went to see my parents on the way to Christmas lunch. It actually wasn't too bad, because we had a nice peaceful sit with mum and dad first. Usually I'd prefer to hang out with them, because it's fairly relaxed and quiet. Mum and Dad gave us (as well as some other awesome things) these wooden letters for our lounge room. I think they look quite nice!
This kind of Samuel-related present I don't mind. In fact, I think it's lovely. There were also a couple of other 'Samuel' presents: an Oxfam goat (in Sam's name) from Anthony's aunt and uncle, as well as a Goodberrys voucher for us from Anthony's brothers and sisters-in-law.
When people start to buy things for Sam (so far not too many, but a little disturbing when it does happen), that's when I start to get a little concerned. (I'll talk about this in another post though.)
It was a lovely lunch, where we all ate way too much (surprise surprise!), but there was some nice conversation and a relaxed time with some of my favourite people. So definitely worth it. In the evening, my best friend and her son came over, and we sat like zombies for a little while, before we all decided to pack it in.
So yes, a nice day all in all. But next year, I think I might stay home!
I made shortbread (I do every year, using my great-grandmother's recipe) while Anthony tidied up and wrapped presents.
You might wonder why I mention this, but Anthony hasn't always been so....domestic....
I'll tell you about it some day; but while Anthony has always been a great provider and supportive partner, I have generally been the nurturing/housework/cooking partner. His attitude to this side of family life has changed lately, and it's lovely!
Pressies! Isn't that what Christmas is all about?? ;p
We actually made it to bed before midnight, which was nice, and as usual, I was up before Oliver! In the last 7 or so years, neither of the kids have ever managed to get out of bed before me on Christmas Day. Which is OK, I love sitting in the lounge room and watching their reaction when they see all the pressies.
Of which there were quite a lot this year.
I can't help myself! I've mentioned before that I love giving people presents, and while I try every year to scale down my gift buying, I always manage to buy too many for the kids.
Part of the trouble is that I buy quite a few gifts earlier in the year. I like to be organised, and I'll usually order something through Chrisco and buy some cool things in sales during the year.
Then, of course I'll go shopping just before Christmas (just for a few stocking stuffers!) and see a whole lot of things that I know the kids (or Anthony) would love. So I buy those too! Before you know it, there's a great pile under the tree on Christmas morning.
Not that I'm too worried. Despite the fact that I'm really good at spending money, I spend it well, and never spend so much that we have to go without other things. I've never had a credit card, and I think that helps!
And Oliver doesn't mind either! I know it will probably come back to bite me on the bum one day when he's a spoiled, Dudley Dursley-type child (Last year you bought 37 presents! This year there's only 36!), but seeing his excited face just does it for me every time!
This is what our loungeroom looked like Christmas morning:
And yes, most of those presents are for Ollie!
And the 'other' Christmas duty?
We'd made a decision fairly early in December that we would go to Anthony's aunt and uncle's house for Christmas lunch, because there are always lots of people there and Oliver was keen to be around lots of people. When we got there, we found out that Oliver would be the only kid there, which kinda sucked, but it did mean he had the attention (sort of) of all his uncles and aunties.
So we knew it was going to be a busy day. In the past, we have just gone to see one side of the family, because I've always thought the running around was a little ridiculous. We give our kids all this cool stuff, then whip them out of the house for a good 6 hours - away from everything they've just unwrapped (then come back too exhausted to do anything!).
Since I'd always decided to do Christmas just for the kids, this always seemed a little weird, so one set of family it was...
Was. This Christmas Day, we went to see my parents on the way to Christmas lunch. It actually wasn't too bad, because we had a nice peaceful sit with mum and dad first. Usually I'd prefer to hang out with them, because it's fairly relaxed and quiet. Mum and Dad gave us (as well as some other awesome things) these wooden letters for our lounge room. I think they look quite nice!
This kind of Samuel-related present I don't mind. In fact, I think it's lovely. There were also a couple of other 'Samuel' presents: an Oxfam goat (in Sam's name) from Anthony's aunt and uncle, as well as a Goodberrys voucher for us from Anthony's brothers and sisters-in-law.
When people start to buy things for Sam (so far not too many, but a little disturbing when it does happen), that's when I start to get a little concerned. (I'll talk about this in another post though.)
It was a lovely lunch, where we all ate way too much (surprise surprise!), but there was some nice conversation and a relaxed time with some of my favourite people. So definitely worth it. In the evening, my best friend and her son came over, and we sat like zombies for a little while, before we all decided to pack it in.
So yes, a nice day all in all. But next year, I think I might stay home!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Checking In...
I thought I'd better check in with y'all, to let you know I'm still here!
Wednesday was really lovely. I think the way we chose to spend the day was perfect. In the morning, the three of us reflected a little bit, just the three of us. Then we headed briefly over to Anthony's mum's place to float some candles in the bath in Sam's memory.
From 12-8pm, we had a steady flow of people through the house. I kept up a heap of food all day (I love to feed people!) and we talked and laughed and remembered. It really was great.
A group of Sam's friends came over for a while, which was just lovely. They sat in my study (because we don't have a 'Sam' room any more), ate chips, drank Pepsi Max (Sam's drink of choice), and talked about Sam. They even wrote down some nice Sam memories for me (which I might share with you some time soon!)
Anthony's very talented brother Christopher recently completed a mural in Sam's honour:
We had hung it next to our mural:
And many of our guests added new messages. It was nice to see some of the thing people had written
Of course, I wish that the reason for the get-together never happened, but it was a fitting way to honour Sam and mark the passing of a whole year without him. I, for one, really appreciated the chance to talk about Sam without the melancholy.
Thanks to everyone who came along, or sent lovely message (the ones attached to my last post were lovely, thanks!).
Next up - Christmas!
Wednesday was really lovely. I think the way we chose to spend the day was perfect. In the morning, the three of us reflected a little bit, just the three of us. Then we headed briefly over to Anthony's mum's place to float some candles in the bath in Sam's memory.
From 12-8pm, we had a steady flow of people through the house. I kept up a heap of food all day (I love to feed people!) and we talked and laughed and remembered. It really was great.
A group of Sam's friends came over for a while, which was just lovely. They sat in my study (because we don't have a 'Sam' room any more), ate chips, drank Pepsi Max (Sam's drink of choice), and talked about Sam. They even wrote down some nice Sam memories for me (which I might share with you some time soon!)
Anthony's very talented brother Christopher recently completed a mural in Sam's honour:
And many of our guests added new messages. It was nice to see some of the thing people had written
Of course, I wish that the reason for the get-together never happened, but it was a fitting way to honour Sam and mark the passing of a whole year without him. I, for one, really appreciated the chance to talk about Sam without the melancholy.
Thanks to everyone who came along, or sent lovely message (the ones attached to my last post were lovely, thanks!).
Next up - Christmas!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
In his honour
This morning, we attended the year 10 graduation ceremony at Sam's school.
We were invited to witness the ceremony and present the award that was created in honour of Samuel.
It was a long ceremony, with lots of awards; the most I've ever seen at a graduation ceremony, I certainly don't remember that many at my high school graduation!
Oliver was very patient and well behaved, and sat quietly through the whole two hours, which included a performance by a rock band, a short film (which apart from the awful sound was quite good) and many award presentations.
Sam's award was towards the end of the minor presentations (just before the dux etc), which I thought was nice. It was dedicated by Sam's closest (at that school) friends: Jake, Harry and Shane. Anthony handed over the award while Oliver and I stood behind him. (Funnily enough, Oliver did not want to get up on the stage until just before we went up. He's not as confident as I thought!)
In the program, the following explanation appeared along with this photo:
All in all, it was a good morning. Sam's music teacher even gave us one of Sam's exercise books that she'd found in the music room. It's nice to have another reminder of him, after we've gone over and over the ones we have here.
We also got a copy of the yearbook, which has a page dedicated to Sam. I'll scan it when I have some time and put it in, but basically it's a short paragraph of him, with the photo above, a photo of the tree planting ceremony and a photo of the plaque.
So once again, we are reminded of all the good that Sam left in the world, and how there are some lovely people out there that are always happy to celebrate his memory and help us through our grief.
Thanks to them all.
We were invited to witness the ceremony and present the award that was created in honour of Samuel.
It was a long ceremony, with lots of awards; the most I've ever seen at a graduation ceremony, I certainly don't remember that many at my high school graduation!
Oliver was very patient and well behaved, and sat quietly through the whole two hours, which included a performance by a rock band, a short film (which apart from the awful sound was quite good) and many award presentations.
Sam's award was towards the end of the minor presentations (just before the dux etc), which I thought was nice. It was dedicated by Sam's closest (at that school) friends: Jake, Harry and Shane. Anthony handed over the award while Oliver and I stood behind him. (Funnily enough, Oliver did not want to get up on the stage until just before we went up. He's not as confident as I thought!)
In the program, the following explanation appeared along with this photo:
This award is in honour of Sam's contribution to the school and is determined by student nomination. The successful year 10 recipient demonstrates a positive attitude, a love of music, happy disposition and makes a difference in the lives of those around them.
I liked that. Because what they've described was pretty much Sam. We donated a prize for the award recipient: a $100 JB Hifi voucher (because Sam loved music and would definitely approved of a prize like this) and a $30 Goodberrys voucher (because Sam loved Goodberrys, right from the first time he went there with his Grandad). Don't ask my why we picked those amounts, although $130 is like $10 for each one of Sam's years with us.
The prize went to the sister of one of Sam's best friends, which was really nice. They'd known each other since Sam was 3 (She had even been to a few of Sam's birthday parties). It was good that there was a bit of a personal connection for us the first time they presented the award.
All in all, it was a good morning. Sam's music teacher even gave us one of Sam's exercise books that she'd found in the music room. It's nice to have another reminder of him, after we've gone over and over the ones we have here.
We also got a copy of the yearbook, which has a page dedicated to Sam. I'll scan it when I have some time and put it in, but basically it's a short paragraph of him, with the photo above, a photo of the tree planting ceremony and a photo of the plaque.
So once again, we are reminded of all the good that Sam left in the world, and how there are some lovely people out there that are always happy to celebrate his memory and help us through our grief.
Thanks to them all.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Those lovely boys...
Ok, so one week in and I've dropped the ball already!
I know, I said I was going to so my Sam post on Monday, but I didn't! Ollie and I drove to Sydney and back on Sunday, so I was a little weary then, and yesterday I was in bed by 9pm, so no go there!
And of course, then there's the problem of what to write about. I thought I had a topic for this week. We've just come back from Ollie's parent teacher night, which was quite a lovely experience actually. He's doing very well at the moment, and moving along in leaps and bounds. Well done baby boy!
But this one's not about him, it's about Sam. So I thought I'd reminisce about his time at school.
But once I started, I thought that I'd like to get out some of his old school stuff so I could do it properly.
Unfortunately that leaves me back where I started. With nothing to write about.
But Laura asked how things were going at his school, so I thought I'd update a little.
The lemon trees have finally arrived, so some time in the next few weeks we'll go up to the school and plant them with Sam's friends. I'm quite looking forward to that.
But the really nice thing? Some of Sam's friends have been on touch a bit on Facebook. A couple of them have written a song, and they are going to perform it at the final assembly this year. They asked me to come and watch it, which was a really nice gesture.
They've been so great, Sam's friends. I just know they're going to become great men as well.
That's it for me for now. Bed is calling once again. Ollie and I have been reading Harry Potter each night, and it's time consuming and tiring, but so worth it! Lovely time spent together.
Night.
I know, I said I was going to so my Sam post on Monday, but I didn't! Ollie and I drove to Sydney and back on Sunday, so I was a little weary then, and yesterday I was in bed by 9pm, so no go there!
And of course, then there's the problem of what to write about. I thought I had a topic for this week. We've just come back from Ollie's parent teacher night, which was quite a lovely experience actually. He's doing very well at the moment, and moving along in leaps and bounds. Well done baby boy!
But this one's not about him, it's about Sam. So I thought I'd reminisce about his time at school.
But once I started, I thought that I'd like to get out some of his old school stuff so I could do it properly.
Unfortunately that leaves me back where I started. With nothing to write about.
But Laura asked how things were going at his school, so I thought I'd update a little.
The lemon trees have finally arrived, so some time in the next few weeks we'll go up to the school and plant them with Sam's friends. I'm quite looking forward to that.
But the really nice thing? Some of Sam's friends have been on touch a bit on Facebook. A couple of them have written a song, and they are going to perform it at the final assembly this year. They asked me to come and watch it, which was a really nice gesture.
They've been so great, Sam's friends. I just know they're going to become great men as well.
That's it for me for now. Bed is calling once again. Ollie and I have been reading Harry Potter each night, and it's time consuming and tiring, but so worth it! Lovely time spent together.
Night.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
10 Things I'm Grateful For
If you'd asked me 5 months ago what I loved about my world, I'd be hard-pressed to name anything. The all-encompassing sadness that hung over me then (and still does now, sometimes) would have clouded my judgement.
But as hard as this has been for me, I know that Sam would be very disappointed if I consistently took the negative view. I think a healthy dose of positive might be good for me at the moment. Originally, I was going to write this as a Blog This challenge, but had trouble with the whole '10 things I love about my world' concept. So instead I've decided to write about 10 things I'm grateful for.
Anthony
We've been together a very long time (15 and a half years). We've been through great hardships and trials, and we have somehow managed to stick it out. Sometimes I wonder if it's just stubbornness: we certainly piss each other off royally sometimes. I'll never forget the time we had a big fight and I got the shits that he was walking out, so I threw a cooling rack (you know, those wire things you put bikkies on to cool) at him and it went right through the lounge room window!. It occasionally frustrates me that he's not at all romantic; and sometimes he takes AGES to do anything.
But there are also moments when I see clearly how much love and support we have for each other. I know that even though Anthony is not openly demonstrative or affectionate; he is always attentive and interested; I KNOW that he would do anything at all for me, and he is a talented, gentle, caring and generous partner.
Oliver
My little ray of sunshine. He was such a surprise. After 7 years of believing I'd only have one child, he came along. He's gorgeous, funny, sweet and is really 'touchy' (as in he likes to touch and be touched - in a totally innocent and non-sexual way!!) - just like me. In fact, Oliver is like me in many ways: musical, extroverted, fidgety, clever...
He has a beautiful singing voice (but won't let me send him to lessons) and the potential for greatness. He has done such a good job of keeping us all going. Sometimes it's hard to believe he's only 6!
The time I did have with Sam
I only had him for 13 years and 9 months, but they were some of the best years of my life. I've already raved about how awesome, wonderful, kind, funny, generous and talented my boy was. I think you know how I feel about him...
My Family
I do have some wonderfully supportive family members. My mum and dad are wonderful, caring, giving people who I sometimes suspect would do anything for me. Anthony's family are just as great. His brothers are funny, charming, welcoming and always there when you need them. Our extended families are also great at being supportive!
My Friends
As I've mentioned before, I haven't always been good at making friends. So the ones I have are even more special now.
I know lots of people. I've lived in Canberra my whole life, I worked in a cinema for 10 years and I'm now a teacher, so I've met LOTS of people along the way. It's not so bad (remember I do like meeting lots of different people!). But as for friends, I could count my close ones on one hand. The ones I know would drop everything for me if I needed them (and did so very recently).
But that's OK. Because deep down, I know I wouldn't be able to give a big group of friends the time they would need. So I'm happy to stick to the occasional night out with them, so there's more time for Sunday drinks with the good ones!
Music
I love music. I think I've made that fairly clear. From my early, misguided days of worshipping the likes of A-ha and Culture Club to my current, mostly open minded (but leaning more towards rock) and broad preferences.
I love loud music in the home, I love live music, I love playing music (though I don't do that much any more). And I am so grateful that there are thousands of talented people in the world making music that I can listen to.
Technology
There's no denying it. I'm a geek. I love computers and all the fantastic things they do for us. I love that if I want to, I can communicate instantly with anyone in the world. I love that I can take photos and edit them or do funky things to them. I love being able to look at a photo or map of any place in the world. I love my iPhone. I love that I have over 17000 songs accessible at the touch of a button (I know, I know, the quality's not as good, but who cares when all you want to do is hear that song? Right now!)
Yes, there are downfalls (and I'm sure it will make a great blog topic one day), but I am very grateful for technology.
Canberra
I'm grateful that I live in Canberra.
It gets a bum wrap a lot of the time - and people often move away to Brisbane - but it really is a great place. It's green and beautiful (for now!) and the mountains make a very picturesque backdrop. The weather is often misunderstood: it is very cold in the winter sometimes, but most winter days are sunny and clear (in fact it's been said that Canberra has more days of sunshine than Queensland!), and the summers are BLOODY hot! I like that we have definite seasons and the autumn colours are gorgeous!
Much-maligned Canberra is also often accused of being soulless and boring, but if you know what you're doing, there's always plenty to do! It's even getting better the older I get. Not just because I'm older, but because more things happen here now. It might look boring to an outsider (I'm talking to you Bill Bryson!) but it's probably because we don't want everyone joining in. :)
And then there's the "it's full of politicians" line. Well hello, the politicians come from ALL OVER AUSTRALIA!!!
Comedy
It was Samuel that gave me a true appreciation of comedy, although I have always liked funny people. When I was younger, I remember crying with laughter while watching Billy Connolly video (funny guy!). I also had a lot of fun watching the D-Generation as a teenager.
Because I'm such a 'smiley' person, I really do enjoy a good laugh. And sadly, there aren't as many opportunities for a good laugh as there used to be, so good comedy is always welcome.
I'll even pay someone!
We took Samuel to see live comedy shows twice. Once to see The Umbilical Brothers when he was about 9; very, very funny guys. We also took him to see Tripod in November last year. He was just old enough to get the 'adult references', and loved it a lot.
I've talked about how much I miss Samuel's laugh, and perhaps it's because I heard it so much. He loved watching the Comedy Channel; from stand-up to Family Guy to Chaser's War on Everything. He also loved Monty Python (who doesn't?!). And when Sam started giggling, it wasn't long before the rest of us were too.
Sometimes you need a bit of help to get the laugh going. So I'm grateful for comedy.
And a 10th?
Well there are so many things that I am grateful for. There are the big things: living in a free country; my (relative) good health; having basic human rights that are denied to many; having a roof over my head; my job etc. And there are the little things: spring flowers and autumn leaves; coffee flavoured ice cream; my doona; good coffee; the beach...
What are you grateful for?
But as hard as this has been for me, I know that Sam would be very disappointed if I consistently took the negative view. I think a healthy dose of positive might be good for me at the moment. Originally, I was going to write this as a Blog This challenge, but had trouble with the whole '10 things I love about my world' concept. So instead I've decided to write about 10 things I'm grateful for.
Anthony
We've been together a very long time (15 and a half years). We've been through great hardships and trials, and we have somehow managed to stick it out. Sometimes I wonder if it's just stubbornness: we certainly piss each other off royally sometimes. I'll never forget the time we had a big fight and I got the shits that he was walking out, so I threw a cooling rack (you know, those wire things you put bikkies on to cool) at him and it went right through the lounge room window!. It occasionally frustrates me that he's not at all romantic; and sometimes he takes AGES to do anything.
But there are also moments when I see clearly how much love and support we have for each other. I know that even though Anthony is not openly demonstrative or affectionate; he is always attentive and interested; I KNOW that he would do anything at all for me, and he is a talented, gentle, caring and generous partner.
Oliver
My little ray of sunshine. He was such a surprise. After 7 years of believing I'd only have one child, he came along. He's gorgeous, funny, sweet and is really 'touchy' (as in he likes to touch and be touched - in a totally innocent and non-sexual way!!) - just like me. In fact, Oliver is like me in many ways: musical, extroverted, fidgety, clever...
He has a beautiful singing voice (but won't let me send him to lessons) and the potential for greatness. He has done such a good job of keeping us all going. Sometimes it's hard to believe he's only 6!
The time I did have with Sam
I only had him for 13 years and 9 months, but they were some of the best years of my life. I've already raved about how awesome, wonderful, kind, funny, generous and talented my boy was. I think you know how I feel about him...
My Family
I do have some wonderfully supportive family members. My mum and dad are wonderful, caring, giving people who I sometimes suspect would do anything for me. Anthony's family are just as great. His brothers are funny, charming, welcoming and always there when you need them. Our extended families are also great at being supportive!
My Friends
As I've mentioned before, I haven't always been good at making friends. So the ones I have are even more special now.
I know lots of people. I've lived in Canberra my whole life, I worked in a cinema for 10 years and I'm now a teacher, so I've met LOTS of people along the way. It's not so bad (remember I do like meeting lots of different people!). But as for friends, I could count my close ones on one hand. The ones I know would drop everything for me if I needed them (and did so very recently).
But that's OK. Because deep down, I know I wouldn't be able to give a big group of friends the time they would need. So I'm happy to stick to the occasional night out with them, so there's more time for Sunday drinks with the good ones!
Music
I love music. I think I've made that fairly clear. From my early, misguided days of worshipping the likes of A-ha and Culture Club to my current, mostly open minded (but leaning more towards rock) and broad preferences.
I love loud music in the home, I love live music, I love playing music (though I don't do that much any more). And I am so grateful that there are thousands of talented people in the world making music that I can listen to.
Technology
There's no denying it. I'm a geek. I love computers and all the fantastic things they do for us. I love that if I want to, I can communicate instantly with anyone in the world. I love that I can take photos and edit them or do funky things to them. I love being able to look at a photo or map of any place in the world. I love my iPhone. I love that I have over 17000 songs accessible at the touch of a button (I know, I know, the quality's not as good, but who cares when all you want to do is hear that song? Right now!)
Yes, there are downfalls (and I'm sure it will make a great blog topic one day), but I am very grateful for technology.
Canberra
I'm grateful that I live in Canberra.
It gets a bum wrap a lot of the time - and people often move away to Brisbane - but it really is a great place. It's green and beautiful (for now!) and the mountains make a very picturesque backdrop. The weather is often misunderstood: it is very cold in the winter sometimes, but most winter days are sunny and clear (in fact it's been said that Canberra has more days of sunshine than Queensland!), and the summers are BLOODY hot! I like that we have definite seasons and the autumn colours are gorgeous!
Much-maligned Canberra is also often accused of being soulless and boring, but if you know what you're doing, there's always plenty to do! It's even getting better the older I get. Not just because I'm older, but because more things happen here now. It might look boring to an outsider (I'm talking to you Bill Bryson!) but it's probably because we don't want everyone joining in. :)
And then there's the "it's full of politicians" line. Well hello, the politicians come from ALL OVER AUSTRALIA!!!
Comedy
It was Samuel that gave me a true appreciation of comedy, although I have always liked funny people. When I was younger, I remember crying with laughter while watching Billy Connolly video (funny guy!). I also had a lot of fun watching the D-Generation as a teenager.
Because I'm such a 'smiley' person, I really do enjoy a good laugh. And sadly, there aren't as many opportunities for a good laugh as there used to be, so good comedy is always welcome.
I'll even pay someone!
We took Samuel to see live comedy shows twice. Once to see The Umbilical Brothers when he was about 9; very, very funny guys. We also took him to see Tripod in November last year. He was just old enough to get the 'adult references', and loved it a lot.
I've talked about how much I miss Samuel's laugh, and perhaps it's because I heard it so much. He loved watching the Comedy Channel; from stand-up to Family Guy to Chaser's War on Everything. He also loved Monty Python (who doesn't?!). And when Sam started giggling, it wasn't long before the rest of us were too.
Sometimes you need a bit of help to get the laugh going. So I'm grateful for comedy.
And a 10th?
Well there are so many things that I am grateful for. There are the big things: living in a free country; my (relative) good health; having basic human rights that are denied to many; having a roof over my head; my job etc. And there are the little things: spring flowers and autumn leaves; coffee flavoured ice cream; my doona; good coffee; the beach...
What are you grateful for?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Get this out of my system first
I've got a post planned, but I just wanted to do a little venting (complaining?) first. Sorry if it's 'rambly' and hard to read.
I've gotta admit, I'm struggling a little with the death of K. She was almost exactly the same age as Samuel was when he died, and it's all hitting a little too close to home. She had an asthma attack, which I must admit was what I thought had happened to Samuel for a long time.
I know that each case is different, and I'm so sad for her parents and her family and friends, but I'm also sad because of how much it reminds me of Sam's death. And how much I keep thinking that this stuff just should not happen!
I had been feeling a little sorry for myself anyway, as you know. It just seemed to be a whole lot of things that keep piling on. The inquest had come to an end (we received the updated, final death certificate today). The weather has been getting colder and more miserable. My best friend's grandmother died last week, and we went to her funeral on Thursday. I'd taken Oliver to the doctor and found out there's a chance he might have to have surgery (very minor surgery to have one of his testicles brought down, but I was freaking out about any kind of anesthetic - pathetic I know!). Work has been ultra busy. No one really comes to my Sunday drinks any more :( That person I've mentioned before was back to their old ways...things were just, well, shitty.
Then of course a tragedy like this happens, and you feel a little bit guilty that you were worried about the weather.
So it's been a pretty sad few days. I've been watching on Facebook as a page is set up for K, and people have been writing beautiful messages.
When Sam died, I suspended my account and logged out of Facebook for at least a month (I can't remember exactly how long), because I couldn't face that same outpouring. Funnily enough, once I logged back on, I couldn't get enough of the messages and wonderful support I received on there. I hope that K's family is getting something out of that.
It's not that we're close to K's family, not really. I went to high school with K's dad; I've had coffee with the family once before, and we talk on Facebook a bit, just general stuff that happens between people that are busy living.
But now, somehow we feel a connection. I hate that a connection could be formed over something so horrible, but it's there (Anthony and I have talked about it and we both feel the same). That's where all this 'searching for kindred spirits' came from.
As I've mentioned, when Samuel died, I went looking for people that felt the same way as me. Who had some kind of understanding of what I was going through. It wasn't that I felt that my family and friends were not supportive, because they were, but I wanted to talk to people who knew what it was like to have a great hole cut out of your life; one that can never be filled.
At first, I didn't have much luck; the first group I found online was way too religious for my liking! There are a couple that I have found since then, like Kate, Jaimee and Tammy (thanks girls); and I have found some good support back on Essential Baby.
But this need to reach out; to find other people who had this horrible, traumatic, life changing event envelop their lives was one of the main reasons that I started this blog. If I couldn't find them, I'd pour my heart out into the (cyber) space. Part of me (the part that always makes people want to feel better), also thought that maybe I'd be able to help someone through all of it too.
And I really want to help K's parents. Desperately! I hate that someone else has to go through all this. Someone that I know. This stuff is not supposed to happen!
I went over to see them on Saturday, not knowing if I would be a help, or just a nuisance; someone who just brought them down. I'm hoping it was the former. And I'll do anything else that I can to help them.
On Thursday, Anthony and I will go along to K's funeral. There was never any doubt that we would.
But in the end, there's nothing anyone can do. Those of us who get lumped with this horrible burden go through it so differently. There doesn't seem to be a right way, or a wrong way, just the way that's going to get us through to the other side.
I've gotta admit, I'm struggling a little with the death of K. She was almost exactly the same age as Samuel was when he died, and it's all hitting a little too close to home. She had an asthma attack, which I must admit was what I thought had happened to Samuel for a long time.
I know that each case is different, and I'm so sad for her parents and her family and friends, but I'm also sad because of how much it reminds me of Sam's death. And how much I keep thinking that this stuff just should not happen!
I had been feeling a little sorry for myself anyway, as you know. It just seemed to be a whole lot of things that keep piling on. The inquest had come to an end (we received the updated, final death certificate today). The weather has been getting colder and more miserable. My best friend's grandmother died last week, and we went to her funeral on Thursday. I'd taken Oliver to the doctor and found out there's a chance he might have to have surgery (very minor surgery to have one of his testicles brought down, but I was freaking out about any kind of anesthetic - pathetic I know!). Work has been ultra busy. No one really comes to my Sunday drinks any more :( That person I've mentioned before was back to their old ways...things were just, well, shitty.
Then of course a tragedy like this happens, and you feel a little bit guilty that you were worried about the weather.
So it's been a pretty sad few days. I've been watching on Facebook as a page is set up for K, and people have been writing beautiful messages.
When Sam died, I suspended my account and logged out of Facebook for at least a month (I can't remember exactly how long), because I couldn't face that same outpouring. Funnily enough, once I logged back on, I couldn't get enough of the messages and wonderful support I received on there. I hope that K's family is getting something out of that.
It's not that we're close to K's family, not really. I went to high school with K's dad; I've had coffee with the family once before, and we talk on Facebook a bit, just general stuff that happens between people that are busy living.
But now, somehow we feel a connection. I hate that a connection could be formed over something so horrible, but it's there (Anthony and I have talked about it and we both feel the same). That's where all this 'searching for kindred spirits' came from.
As I've mentioned, when Samuel died, I went looking for people that felt the same way as me. Who had some kind of understanding of what I was going through. It wasn't that I felt that my family and friends were not supportive, because they were, but I wanted to talk to people who knew what it was like to have a great hole cut out of your life; one that can never be filled.
At first, I didn't have much luck; the first group I found online was way too religious for my liking! There are a couple that I have found since then, like Kate, Jaimee and Tammy (thanks girls); and I have found some good support back on Essential Baby.
But this need to reach out; to find other people who had this horrible, traumatic, life changing event envelop their lives was one of the main reasons that I started this blog. If I couldn't find them, I'd pour my heart out into the (cyber) space. Part of me (the part that always makes people want to feel better), also thought that maybe I'd be able to help someone through all of it too.
And I really want to help K's parents. Desperately! I hate that someone else has to go through all this. Someone that I know. This stuff is not supposed to happen!
I went over to see them on Saturday, not knowing if I would be a help, or just a nuisance; someone who just brought them down. I'm hoping it was the former. And I'll do anything else that I can to help them.
On Thursday, Anthony and I will go along to K's funeral. There was never any doubt that we would.
But in the end, there's nothing anyone can do. Those of us who get lumped with this horrible burden go through it so differently. There doesn't seem to be a right way, or a wrong way, just the way that's going to get us through to the other side.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
...and then there's the unhelpful. 2nd try.
OK, so this one might be a little heavy. Sorry. But I must keep my promise to be honest and say everything that's on my mind. And it's time I said it.
Anthony and I have both changed since Sam died. Some of it for the better (Anthony is much more open and willing to talk; I have a much better approach to the work/life balance), but there are things that I notice that are not better. Some of it I have already spoken about and started addressing, some of it is stuff that will take a long time to work through.
Try as I might, I can't shake the bitter feeling I get sometimes. I get so angry about Samuel's death; how unfair it is that he had to go. Especially when there are so many people who waste the time they have. Samuel had so much potential. It sounds cliched but he truly could have done great things. He had the talent, the intelligence, the temperament, (some of) the drive...but it was all taken away from him. It makes me so angry to see people wasting the life they are lucky enough to have. Yes we all take things for granted, overindulge, make mistakes, but we function. We contribute to society: we create, we reproduce, we help each other, we share, we love, we LIVE. We're not perfect, but we're not a drain. But there are plenty of people that are.
One of these people is someone close to me. I get so angry with the way they let their life go past; hiding behind substances, making excuses and never taking responsibility for their actions. I know it's wrong to judge them (god knows I'm not perfect), but I can't help myself. Why should they have this life to waste when my beautiful boy didn't even get to live a fraction of his?
Before Sam died, I was fairly ambivalent about it - their life, let them f**k it up. For the most part I left them to it. But since he died all I feel is anger and resentment. I know this is not healthy for me, and for the most part I let it go, but there are times when I can't ignore it.
A lot of it is a protective instinct that I have noticed appears more often. I guess this is natural. I only have one child left with me now, and I am absolutely terrified of losing him as well. I am conscious of it though, I want to balance my need to protect him with my desire to let him have a happy, adventurous and full life. But I can protect him from people who are inconsistent and unreliable. When it starts to affect my life, and the lives of the people I love, that's when the tiger in me comes alive.
Recently, Oliver and I were going to meet this person. I had told Oliver we would be meeting them, and he was very excited; gathering all the things he was going to show them, to play with them. When we arrived I was told they 'couldn't handle' seeing us. OK, yes, it can be hard to see us. We're going through this grief thing, but goddammit, we are the ones that lost Sam! We're all going through this stuff. Surely it's better if we all go through this together?
The worst thing was, less than a week before, this person had offered to babysit Oliver. I had (politely) declined, knowing this person's tendency towards inconsistency. I find it difficult to accept such up and down behaviour, but there's no way I'm going to subject a grieving 6 year old boy to it. I can only imagine the confusion and terror he must feel sometimes. He is still so young, but having lost Samuel so unexpectedly: one minute fine, playing together, the next gone forever; must play on his mind. When someone he has come to care deeply for is one minute there, the next minute gone, it must be at the very least extremely disappointing. He doesn't express it in so many words, but he does say and do things that lead me to think this is the case.
I know this particular example sounds like nothing, but there is a lot more of this stuff in our history: one moment all smiles and wonderful companion, the next MIA without a word. I can't put my son through that! He's just lost his brother, one of the most important people in his life! He needs people to be there for him. All the time. Not just when it's convenient, or it doesn't hurt them.
Is it too much to ask? I don't think so. Oliver has so many people in his life that are there for him all the time. His friends and their parents go out of their way to include him; Anthony's brothers, foster sister and sisters-in-law organise special days, travel long distances to visit him, buy him special presents, write him letters and call him just to say hi. His teachers (and all the people at his school) try so hard to make school comfortable for him. His grandparents have gone above and beyond to make him feel special and loved and wanted. Even many of my friends (some of whom never met Samuel and don't really know Oliver) are welcoming and kind and generous. Every one of them is there when they say they'll be there. They all have problems, they are all grieving themselves, and they probably all find it hard to see us sometimes, but they know how important it is.
To me, anything else comes across as selfish. We all have faults. We all have weaknesses. We're all struggling through this world that's sometimes crazy, disappointing and damn hard, but the difference is that we don't let it stop us from living. And those of us that do, well sorry, but I don't have time for people like that. But that's OK. Because they don't have time for me either.
Anthony and I have both changed since Sam died. Some of it for the better (Anthony is much more open and willing to talk; I have a much better approach to the work/life balance), but there are things that I notice that are not better. Some of it I have already spoken about and started addressing, some of it is stuff that will take a long time to work through.
Try as I might, I can't shake the bitter feeling I get sometimes. I get so angry about Samuel's death; how unfair it is that he had to go. Especially when there are so many people who waste the time they have. Samuel had so much potential. It sounds cliched but he truly could have done great things. He had the talent, the intelligence, the temperament, (some of) the drive...but it was all taken away from him. It makes me so angry to see people wasting the life they are lucky enough to have. Yes we all take things for granted, overindulge, make mistakes, but we function. We contribute to society: we create, we reproduce, we help each other, we share, we love, we LIVE. We're not perfect, but we're not a drain. But there are plenty of people that are.
One of these people is someone close to me. I get so angry with the way they let their life go past; hiding behind substances, making excuses and never taking responsibility for their actions. I know it's wrong to judge them (god knows I'm not perfect), but I can't help myself. Why should they have this life to waste when my beautiful boy didn't even get to live a fraction of his?
Before Sam died, I was fairly ambivalent about it - their life, let them f**k it up. For the most part I left them to it. But since he died all I feel is anger and resentment. I know this is not healthy for me, and for the most part I let it go, but there are times when I can't ignore it.
A lot of it is a protective instinct that I have noticed appears more often. I guess this is natural. I only have one child left with me now, and I am absolutely terrified of losing him as well. I am conscious of it though, I want to balance my need to protect him with my desire to let him have a happy, adventurous and full life. But I can protect him from people who are inconsistent and unreliable. When it starts to affect my life, and the lives of the people I love, that's when the tiger in me comes alive.
Recently, Oliver and I were going to meet this person. I had told Oliver we would be meeting them, and he was very excited; gathering all the things he was going to show them, to play with them. When we arrived I was told they 'couldn't handle' seeing us. OK, yes, it can be hard to see us. We're going through this grief thing, but goddammit, we are the ones that lost Sam! We're all going through this stuff. Surely it's better if we all go through this together?
The worst thing was, less than a week before, this person had offered to babysit Oliver. I had (politely) declined, knowing this person's tendency towards inconsistency. I find it difficult to accept such up and down behaviour, but there's no way I'm going to subject a grieving 6 year old boy to it. I can only imagine the confusion and terror he must feel sometimes. He is still so young, but having lost Samuel so unexpectedly: one minute fine, playing together, the next gone forever; must play on his mind. When someone he has come to care deeply for is one minute there, the next minute gone, it must be at the very least extremely disappointing. He doesn't express it in so many words, but he does say and do things that lead me to think this is the case.
I know this particular example sounds like nothing, but there is a lot more of this stuff in our history: one moment all smiles and wonderful companion, the next MIA without a word. I can't put my son through that! He's just lost his brother, one of the most important people in his life! He needs people to be there for him. All the time. Not just when it's convenient, or it doesn't hurt them.
Is it too much to ask? I don't think so. Oliver has so many people in his life that are there for him all the time. His friends and their parents go out of their way to include him; Anthony's brothers, foster sister and sisters-in-law organise special days, travel long distances to visit him, buy him special presents, write him letters and call him just to say hi. His teachers (and all the people at his school) try so hard to make school comfortable for him. His grandparents have gone above and beyond to make him feel special and loved and wanted. Even many of my friends (some of whom never met Samuel and don't really know Oliver) are welcoming and kind and generous. Every one of them is there when they say they'll be there. They all have problems, they are all grieving themselves, and they probably all find it hard to see us sometimes, but they know how important it is.
To me, anything else comes across as selfish. We all have faults. We all have weaknesses. We're all struggling through this world that's sometimes crazy, disappointing and damn hard, but the difference is that we don't let it stop us from living. And those of us that do, well sorry, but I don't have time for people like that. But that's OK. Because they don't have time for me either.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Sunday afternoons on the deck
Disclaimer: this post was written at the end of a lovely day of company, with a few alcoholic type bevvies involved. Please read it with that in mind...
For about the last, oh, I dunno, 8 weeks or so, people have been dropping in on Sunday afternoons for a drink with us. I have really come to relish and look forward to those afternoons. Sally and I had been doing it for a long time before that (usually Saturday - and sometimes as well as Sunday!), but lately other people have been dropping in.
From about 2pm each Sunday, people come around and have a drink, a chat, and sometimes something to eat with us (usually cheese and lots of yummy things like that). Our front deck is kind of perfect, as in summertime it's shaded and cool, but in wintertime the sun streams in (we have three huge grapevines covering it, which lose their leaves in the winter).
The company is always wonderful. We have fantastic conversations with groups of people that sometimes would never be together in the same place. What a great way to pass an afternoon, and forget your trouble for a while.
There are two hard things: knowing that Samuel will never be able to join us, and knowing that it probably wouldn't be happening if he hadn't died.
It's not that we weren't sociable, or that we didn't see people, because we did, but maybe not so regularly. You know how it is, you get busy doing pointless, repetative stuff that you have to do every weekend (I mean stuff like shopping, cleaning, work, not useful stuff like sports and other socialising), and then all of a sudden it's Monday again. Same old cycle begins.
We all try hard not to - we try to see each other and make time for each other, but life just gets in the way, doesn't it?
Well, I've resolved that it won't get in the way any more. As much as time (and finances) permits, I'm going to make time to share my time with the people that mean something to me. Because I don't want to go to their funeral thinking 'I wish I'd seen them more often'. I remember vividly when my mother-in-law's friend had a son who had a big role in a stage show a long way away. He didn't think he had the time or the money to go and see him perform, but she said something that has stuck with me since then. She said to him "you'd go to his funeral, go and see him now!"
Every time I start to think that way, that's the thought that runs through my head - and it's why I'm seriously considering a trip to Melbourne in the holidays to see my family.
I know that I have always tried to fit everyone in, but people and experiences have sometimes slipped through the cracks. Sometimes family, sometimes friends, sometimes even my own kids. And now, I know that my priorities have changed a heck a lot. And I'm glad that these Sunday sessions are the result of that. It's a testament to my new commitment to enjoying people and enjoying life that they go on, and that people keep coming, and that I make time for them. I know it might sound a little selfish that they're always coming to me, but it works for now (and we've got a fairly kid-friendly house - soon to become more so), and in the future I might start going elsewhere. Who knows??
In the past, I would have willingly done all the chore-type stuff, then spent most of the weekend working: marking work, assessing, writing reports, planning, reading etc. But I'm happy to say I'm not prepared to do that any more. I used to read (and hear) a lot about work/life balance, but really, I had no idea. Being able to spend a whole weekend playing board games and chatting with my son; gardening; socialising, and sitting on my deck on Sunday afternoon is work/life balance!
Thankfully the job that I am doing this year means that I can do this. Because I am working in a 'release role' (on paper as the teacher/librarian, but in reality something completely different!), I don't have to worry about marking, assessing, reporting, planning (as much). Any thought I had of seeking promotion is definitely on hold for now, and I'm enjoying working to live, not living to work.
When I started teaching (after finishing my degree), I thought it would be something I would do forever. I do love the job very much, but the workload that goes along with it (that I have cheerfully put up with for the past 4 years) is not something that (having seen where my priorities should lie) I am prepared to do forever.
As I've said before, it's too soon to make these types of decisions, but I do know that this is the most relaxed and happy (?ish?) I've been (while working) for a while. Not that I'm bludging - I still work hard (not sure I could do otherwise), but not for as long, and not as over the top.
But as for Sundays, they are wonderful. I love sitting and talking with people, it's one of my favourite acitivities! I'm so glad that people keep coming, and I hope it doesn't stop.
So if you're in the neighbourhood on a Sunday afternoon, we'd love to have you...
For about the last, oh, I dunno, 8 weeks or so, people have been dropping in on Sunday afternoons for a drink with us. I have really come to relish and look forward to those afternoons. Sally and I had been doing it for a long time before that (usually Saturday - and sometimes as well as Sunday!), but lately other people have been dropping in.
From about 2pm each Sunday, people come around and have a drink, a chat, and sometimes something to eat with us (usually cheese and lots of yummy things like that). Our front deck is kind of perfect, as in summertime it's shaded and cool, but in wintertime the sun streams in (we have three huge grapevines covering it, which lose their leaves in the winter).
The company is always wonderful. We have fantastic conversations with groups of people that sometimes would never be together in the same place. What a great way to pass an afternoon, and forget your trouble for a while.
There are two hard things: knowing that Samuel will never be able to join us, and knowing that it probably wouldn't be happening if he hadn't died.
It's not that we weren't sociable, or that we didn't see people, because we did, but maybe not so regularly. You know how it is, you get busy doing pointless, repetative stuff that you have to do every weekend (I mean stuff like shopping, cleaning, work, not useful stuff like sports and other socialising), and then all of a sudden it's Monday again. Same old cycle begins.
We all try hard not to - we try to see each other and make time for each other, but life just gets in the way, doesn't it?
Well, I've resolved that it won't get in the way any more. As much as time (and finances) permits, I'm going to make time to share my time with the people that mean something to me. Because I don't want to go to their funeral thinking 'I wish I'd seen them more often'. I remember vividly when my mother-in-law's friend had a son who had a big role in a stage show a long way away. He didn't think he had the time or the money to go and see him perform, but she said something that has stuck with me since then. She said to him "you'd go to his funeral, go and see him now!"
Every time I start to think that way, that's the thought that runs through my head - and it's why I'm seriously considering a trip to Melbourne in the holidays to see my family.
I know that I have always tried to fit everyone in, but people and experiences have sometimes slipped through the cracks. Sometimes family, sometimes friends, sometimes even my own kids. And now, I know that my priorities have changed a heck a lot. And I'm glad that these Sunday sessions are the result of that. It's a testament to my new commitment to enjoying people and enjoying life that they go on, and that people keep coming, and that I make time for them. I know it might sound a little selfish that they're always coming to me, but it works for now (and we've got a fairly kid-friendly house - soon to become more so), and in the future I might start going elsewhere. Who knows??
In the past, I would have willingly done all the chore-type stuff, then spent most of the weekend working: marking work, assessing, writing reports, planning, reading etc. But I'm happy to say I'm not prepared to do that any more. I used to read (and hear) a lot about work/life balance, but really, I had no idea. Being able to spend a whole weekend playing board games and chatting with my son; gardening; socialising, and sitting on my deck on Sunday afternoon is work/life balance!
Thankfully the job that I am doing this year means that I can do this. Because I am working in a 'release role' (on paper as the teacher/librarian, but in reality something completely different!), I don't have to worry about marking, assessing, reporting, planning (as much). Any thought I had of seeking promotion is definitely on hold for now, and I'm enjoying working to live, not living to work.
When I started teaching (after finishing my degree), I thought it would be something I would do forever. I do love the job very much, but the workload that goes along with it (that I have cheerfully put up with for the past 4 years) is not something that (having seen where my priorities should lie) I am prepared to do forever.
As I've said before, it's too soon to make these types of decisions, but I do know that this is the most relaxed and happy (?ish?) I've been (while working) for a while. Not that I'm bludging - I still work hard (not sure I could do otherwise), but not for as long, and not as over the top.
But as for Sundays, they are wonderful. I love sitting and talking with people, it's one of my favourite acitivities! I'm so glad that people keep coming, and I hope it doesn't stop.
So if you're in the neighbourhood on a Sunday afternoon, we'd love to have you...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Mural
During Samuel's funeral, we invited his friends (and anyone else) to come and write messages for him on the coffin (I know, I haven't written about that, I'm getting there...). It was a really nice moment and it got me thinking.
We didn't want to leave Samuel's ashes at the crematorium; it's a fair way away from our house and we wanted him close. We thought about the cemetary closest to us, but we didn't really have any connection with that. So we brought him home with us. The ashes currently live in his bedroom, wrapped in a The Living End t-shirt, and that's working OK for us right now. Who knows what we'll do in the future, but I figure we've got time to work it out.
But that did leave the problem of where would people go to pay their respects? That's one good thing about a grave or memorial site, you can go and visit talk (or just sit).
So we decided to create a mural. It's on the side fence, so people can do it without having to come and see us, and so far there's been no vandalism or anything.
The paint was donated by a friend of Anthony and I did all the spray work. The small panel on the right is what Ollie did that day. It says "Samuel I had so much fun from Oli". We put our own messages on (this is mine - I know, I spelled gorgeous wrong, DOH!):
We didn't want to leave Samuel's ashes at the crematorium; it's a fair way away from our house and we wanted him close. We thought about the cemetary closest to us, but we didn't really have any connection with that. So we brought him home with us. The ashes currently live in his bedroom, wrapped in a The Living End t-shirt, and that's working OK for us right now. Who knows what we'll do in the future, but I figure we've got time to work it out.
But that did leave the problem of where would people go to pay their respects? That's one good thing about a grave or memorial site, you can go and visit talk (or just sit).
So we decided to create a mural. It's on the side fence, so people can do it without having to come and see us, and so far there's been no vandalism or anything.
We have had a lot of people (especially kids) coming and writing messages on the mural, which is really nice. On Sam's birthday, all his friends went out there and wrote birthday messages.
It might be a little unconventional, but it's working well for us. When we get our act together, we're going to put a little garden bed out there, and plant a couple of blueberry plants (Samuel loved blueberries).
We're very happy that people are using it.
It might be a little unconventional, but it's working well for us. When we get our act together, we're going to put a little garden bed out there, and plant a couple of blueberry plants (Samuel loved blueberries).
We're very happy that people are using it.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Power of Friendship
Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown
Ok, I know the title is hokey, but I'm sure you get the idea.
I've just spent another lovely few hours in the company of friends. We have a wonderful family, on both my side and Anthony's side. They have been so wonderful through all of this, and I will talk about them another time. Today I'd like to talk about friends.
For the past few weeks, with the exception of last week, we have been joined by our friends (and sometimes members of our family, who also happen to be friends) each Sunday afternoon. We drink (wine, bourbon, beer, water, coffee, etc), eat cheese and crackers and other lovely things (today our wonderfully gourmet friends brought some lovely trout and caperberries. I'd never tasted them before, but they were goooood!), and we sit and talk and laugh. It's almost become a tradition!
Today, my best friend Sally came over with her son Jack. We started at midday (it was 5 past 12, so it's technically afternoon!) and had a good gossip and a drink. A little while later our good friend Dallas arrived, then our friends Kylie and Gordon and their kids. Not long after that Trevor arrived. Not everyone stays the whole time, but while we're all together we have great conversations and everyone gets along, no matter what the background, or whether or not any of them have met before.
There's something very healing in that. I've always been a people person anyway, and my idea of a good time involves great conversation. It's also very nice to have the company. I think when you're grieving, there could be a real risk in withdrawing into yourself; blocking the world out. And we were probably tempted to for a while too. But there were people that kept calling, kept dropping in and making sure we were OK.
In the week leading up to Samuel's funeral, there were always lots of people around. It was nice, but in a way, a bit overwhelming. In the week after, there were a few, and then the week after that, almost nobody came around. It was a little scary, a little lonely. When we were here alone, the reality of what had happened was almost too big, too much to bear. Then people started to come around some more. It wasn't a constant, seemingly never ending flow, but it wasn't nobody either.
Before Sam died, we probably weren't the most sociable people. I was always so tired (physically and emotionally) by the end of the week (one of the few downfalls of the teaching profession), and we've never really had the disposable income you need to go out and socialise regularly. I was also pretty happy to spend time with my kids and Anthony. I do love people, but most of the time it seemed easier to see them here. I didn't have to organise babysitting, there's plenty here for kids to do (well, boys anyway). It sounds selfish, but when I couldn't do things here with people, I didn't tend to do it at all, unless it was something really special. When I think of it, I guess that's fairly normal in our busy world.
That's another reason why it's been great that people have come around. The casual nature of the Sunday afternoon thing means that people can drop in for a little while, or for longer. It's been so good to to see people, do some normal things, and not have to go too far from the little comfort zone we've got going on here. And it's not like we don't think about Sam, or talk about him; we do. On our terms. We talk about him, we share memories, we get upset, but we also talk about other things. And laugh.
But just because we're enjoying our Sunday afternoons, it doesn't mean we're never going to leave the house. Last weekend, I went out on both Friday and Saturday night with some of my oldest friends. Mark and Donna live in Melbourne now, and came up for the weekend just to catch up with friends. On Friday night we sat outside King O'Malleys with our other old friends Gerard and Toby (and his partner Swapna) for a very long time drinking beer and talking. I drank WAAAAY too much and ended up with a sore head, but what a great night it was.
On Saturday night, all of us, as well as Anthony, Helena, Geoff, Tan and Kris (who was visiting from the U.S) went to dinner at Chairman and Yip (then move on to some other places), and once again had a lovely evening.
The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elisabeth Foley
The great thing about these friends, is that it doesn't matter how much time passes, when we get together it's like we've never been apart. I haven't seen Mark and Donna since my 35th birthday party at the end of 2008. I haven't seen Gerard since October of the same year. But we had a great night. And they have been there for me, supporting me, through this whole time.
I'm not real good at the whole friendship thing. I like people, and I like spending time with people, but my problem has always been that I like knowing lots of different kinds of people. It was a problem at school because at school you're supposed to have your core friends and spend all your time with them. It's a problem now because I don't have the time to devote to maintaining these friendships. Life gets in the way, doesn't it?
So against all the odds, I do have a few fantastic friends, some of them I only see once a week or once a month or once a year or once every 5 years, but they are true friends. And in some ways it's thanks to them that I can see some good left on the world. That I can see we can still have some fun and not feel guilty about it.
So thank you, to the friends who have been there for us. Thanks to Sally and Dallas and Meg, who were so wonderful in the first week, and have continued to be caring supportive friends. Some of the things you did for us were so above and beyond what a friend should have to do, and you did them without question.
Thanks to all our wonderful friends who sent cards and messages and came to Samuel's funeral. If I haven't sent you a card yet, I will. Thanks to Aamund, and Keiko, who helped Dallas and Meg support us. Thanks Keryn and Brian for lending us the camper trailer. Thanks Paul and Mahala for sharing the camper trailer and helping us get it organised. Thanks to Trevor and Adina, who have been here keeping us company and sharing their beautiful Izzy. Thanks to Jodie, who went out of her way many times to feed us, cheer us up, give us things, especially the dragonfly (another story for another day). Thanks Carmen for being so supportive and helping out, even when we haven't seen each other for so long. Thanks Maree for being here for us when you and Jake and your family were grieving as much as we were. Thanks to Lani and Vickie and Kathy who have always been there for a chat and a laugh (and to show me their wedding photos). Thanks to Jane for sending me a card (from India!) and coming to see me. Thanks to Kris for sending flowers from California (no Australian customs, she didn't actually send them from there), and for coming out to dinner last week. Thanks to Phillipa and Jason for being there for us, and for calling to check up on us. Thanks to Kylie and Gordon for feeding us, but also just being there (and for a great afternoon today!) Thanks to Donna and Mark for travelling all the way from Melbourne to Canberra to see us. Thanks to Gerard, Toby, Swapna, Geoff, Helena, Tan and Kris who came out for a fun night in the town. Thanks Deb for your messages, your constant facebook/blog support and for bringing your beautiful Emily over to see me. Thanks Michelle for the lovely 'I love you'/'I'm thinking about you' messages. Thanks Ania for the company and the ice coffees. If I've forgotten you, I'm sorry. And if you're in my family, don't feel left out. I'm trying to work out how to say all the things I want to say to you.
Without you all, I hate to think where we'd be. Thanks.
Ok, I know the title is hokey, but I'm sure you get the idea.
I've just spent another lovely few hours in the company of friends. We have a wonderful family, on both my side and Anthony's side. They have been so wonderful through all of this, and I will talk about them another time. Today I'd like to talk about friends.
For the past few weeks, with the exception of last week, we have been joined by our friends (and sometimes members of our family, who also happen to be friends) each Sunday afternoon. We drink (wine, bourbon, beer, water, coffee, etc), eat cheese and crackers and other lovely things (today our wonderfully gourmet friends brought some lovely trout and caperberries. I'd never tasted them before, but they were goooood!), and we sit and talk and laugh. It's almost become a tradition!
Today, my best friend Sally came over with her son Jack. We started at midday (it was 5 past 12, so it's technically afternoon!) and had a good gossip and a drink. A little while later our good friend Dallas arrived, then our friends Kylie and Gordon and their kids. Not long after that Trevor arrived. Not everyone stays the whole time, but while we're all together we have great conversations and everyone gets along, no matter what the background, or whether or not any of them have met before.
There's something very healing in that. I've always been a people person anyway, and my idea of a good time involves great conversation. It's also very nice to have the company. I think when you're grieving, there could be a real risk in withdrawing into yourself; blocking the world out. And we were probably tempted to for a while too. But there were people that kept calling, kept dropping in and making sure we were OK.
In the week leading up to Samuel's funeral, there were always lots of people around. It was nice, but in a way, a bit overwhelming. In the week after, there were a few, and then the week after that, almost nobody came around. It was a little scary, a little lonely. When we were here alone, the reality of what had happened was almost too big, too much to bear. Then people started to come around some more. It wasn't a constant, seemingly never ending flow, but it wasn't nobody either.
Before Sam died, we probably weren't the most sociable people. I was always so tired (physically and emotionally) by the end of the week (one of the few downfalls of the teaching profession), and we've never really had the disposable income you need to go out and socialise regularly. I was also pretty happy to spend time with my kids and Anthony. I do love people, but most of the time it seemed easier to see them here. I didn't have to organise babysitting, there's plenty here for kids to do (well, boys anyway). It sounds selfish, but when I couldn't do things here with people, I didn't tend to do it at all, unless it was something really special. When I think of it, I guess that's fairly normal in our busy world.
That's another reason why it's been great that people have come around. The casual nature of the Sunday afternoon thing means that people can drop in for a little while, or for longer. It's been so good to to see people, do some normal things, and not have to go too far from the little comfort zone we've got going on here. And it's not like we don't think about Sam, or talk about him; we do. On our terms. We talk about him, we share memories, we get upset, but we also talk about other things. And laugh.
But just because we're enjoying our Sunday afternoons, it doesn't mean we're never going to leave the house. Last weekend, I went out on both Friday and Saturday night with some of my oldest friends. Mark and Donna live in Melbourne now, and came up for the weekend just to catch up with friends. On Friday night we sat outside King O'Malleys with our other old friends Gerard and Toby (and his partner Swapna) for a very long time drinking beer and talking. I drank WAAAAY too much and ended up with a sore head, but what a great night it was.
On Saturday night, all of us, as well as Anthony, Helena, Geoff, Tan and Kris (who was visiting from the U.S) went to dinner at Chairman and Yip (then move on to some other places), and once again had a lovely evening.
The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elisabeth Foley
The great thing about these friends, is that it doesn't matter how much time passes, when we get together it's like we've never been apart. I haven't seen Mark and Donna since my 35th birthday party at the end of 2008. I haven't seen Gerard since October of the same year. But we had a great night. And they have been there for me, supporting me, through this whole time.
I'm not real good at the whole friendship thing. I like people, and I like spending time with people, but my problem has always been that I like knowing lots of different kinds of people. It was a problem at school because at school you're supposed to have your core friends and spend all your time with them. It's a problem now because I don't have the time to devote to maintaining these friendships. Life gets in the way, doesn't it?
So against all the odds, I do have a few fantastic friends, some of them I only see once a week or once a month or once a year or once every 5 years, but they are true friends. And in some ways it's thanks to them that I can see some good left on the world. That I can see we can still have some fun and not feel guilty about it.
So thank you, to the friends who have been there for us. Thanks to Sally and Dallas and Meg, who were so wonderful in the first week, and have continued to be caring supportive friends. Some of the things you did for us were so above and beyond what a friend should have to do, and you did them without question.
Thanks to all our wonderful friends who sent cards and messages and came to Samuel's funeral. If I haven't sent you a card yet, I will. Thanks to Aamund, and Keiko, who helped Dallas and Meg support us. Thanks Keryn and Brian for lending us the camper trailer. Thanks Paul and Mahala for sharing the camper trailer and helping us get it organised. Thanks to Trevor and Adina, who have been here keeping us company and sharing their beautiful Izzy. Thanks to Jodie, who went out of her way many times to feed us, cheer us up, give us things, especially the dragonfly (another story for another day). Thanks Carmen for being so supportive and helping out, even when we haven't seen each other for so long. Thanks Maree for being here for us when you and Jake and your family were grieving as much as we were. Thanks to Lani and Vickie and Kathy who have always been there for a chat and a laugh (and to show me their wedding photos). Thanks to Jane for sending me a card (from India!) and coming to see me. Thanks to Kris for sending flowers from California (no Australian customs, she didn't actually send them from there), and for coming out to dinner last week. Thanks to Phillipa and Jason for being there for us, and for calling to check up on us. Thanks to Kylie and Gordon for feeding us, but also just being there (and for a great afternoon today!) Thanks to Donna and Mark for travelling all the way from Melbourne to Canberra to see us. Thanks to Gerard, Toby, Swapna, Geoff, Helena, Tan and Kris who came out for a fun night in the town. Thanks Deb for your messages, your constant facebook/blog support and for bringing your beautiful Emily over to see me. Thanks Michelle for the lovely 'I love you'/'I'm thinking about you' messages. Thanks Ania for the company and the ice coffees. If I've forgotten you, I'm sorry. And if you're in my family, don't feel left out. I'm trying to work out how to say all the things I want to say to you.
Without you all, I hate to think where we'd be. Thanks.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Celebrating Sam's Life. Part 2
This is the second post about the day we said goodbye to Sam (the first is here). It may be upsetting to some people. But I've gotta do it. I want to remember it. Don't read it if you will get upset.
When we went into the chapel to sit down, I noticed just how many people were there. All the seats were filled, and so was the foyer, and there were also people standing outside the foyer and in the courtyard to the side. I can't explain but it made me feel good to know that Samuel was so well thought of. We'd assumed there would be a few people there, but it was also 4 days after Christmas, so we knew that many people wouldn't be able to come.
Teenagers shouldn't have to go to a funeral
I was really pleased to see so many of Samuel's friends and school mates there. I know it must have been very hard for them, but we had really wanted them there. We deliberately included certain parts of the service to make them feel more comfortable. Right from the start we were so aware of the impact Sam's death would have on them. We were of course devastated, but to a teenager, your friends are your life. To have one suddenly die with no explanation must be such a blow. When you're a teenager you're supposed to be invincible!
As we sat down, 21 Guns by Green Day came on. We hadn't planned it at all, it was pure coincidence. This was a song that Sam loved, and it brought almost everyone to tears before the service had even begun.
John stood up and began his introductions. Then Anthony and I stood up to read the eulogy. I hadn't known until about 1 minute before I stood up that I would actually be able to. But I was surprised that we actually managed to get through it without breaking down.
Then my Dad spoke, giving all the thanks to everyone (I can never repay some people for what they did for me, especially on that day, but I did want to thank them publicly). He spoke very well too (I don't know where we found the strength!)
Then Anthony's brothers got up. James shared his memory of the concert trip, and reminded us of Samuel's love of a good steak, Tim talked about tickling Sam so much that he vomited (well, Sam did try to warn him), Phillip talked about their trip to the zoo where Sam got to feed the tiger and then 'tamed' the llama. There was apparently a llama at the zoo that would never come anywhere near people, but he walked up to Sam and ate out of his hand. Sam got his Dr Dolittle-ishness from Anthony I think. He always loved animals and was very gentle. I'm not really all that surprised about the llama.
Christopher got up and tapped the microphone. "I've always wanted to do that" he said, and everyone cracked up, which was nice. He then read "Do not stand at my grave and weep" (beautifully I might add). He then decided to go off on a bit of a tangent about space travel and such, but because we're all used to that, we were able to head him off without too much trouble (Christopher has autism and occasionally doesn't realise when it's time to stop talking).
Then they played the slideshow. I'd put together a slideshow of photos of Sam (many of them I have put up here). It was set to three songs:
One evening - I think it was some time around Christmas, I can't remember - Anthony, Oliver and I went for a drive in the jeep; out the back of Tharwa where Anthony used to take the boys (and me sometimes) driving. We listened to a CD James had made for us, and thought about which songs would go well. The Green Day and Blink 182 songs were on there. I had always found the Foo Fighters one very poignant (I think I'd even like it played at my funeral), and as I've mentioned before, Samuel, Anthony and I (and even Ollie a little) shared a love of the Foo Fighters.
As you can imagine, after the slideshow there wasn't a dry eye in the house, so Lorraine (nanna) did pretty well to get up and talk. She passed on a message from Jonathon (Anthony's son from a previous relationship) and then passed back to John. While they were speaking (John read a message from Jake, Samuel's best friend), the big group of teenagers (Sam's friends and school mates) filed past the coffin and wrote lots of lovely messages on it. It was such a nice moment. A few of our other family and friends came up and wrote messages too.
Then John gave the committal and the coffin was lowered while they played the song 'Time of your life" by Green Day. This song was one of Sam's favourites anyway, and it kind of fit the day. We were also pretty blown away when we found the chords for it (and nothing else) in a folder in Sam's guitar case. I'd heard him playing "Fire Water Burn" by the Bloodhound Gang on the guitar, but not Green Day. I think we made a good choice. Some of the kids were writing "hope you had the time of your life" on the coffin, and they have been on the mural too.
After that we went outside and it was just like before the service. Lots of people, lots of hugs, lots of tears. It was nice but I was tired and shell-shocked and just wanted to stop. So when everyone had sort of filtered off, we went down to the wake. There were a few people there, and I was pleased to see a few of Sam's friends. They were very nice and made my cousin Sarah (who was almost exactly one year older than Sam) feel welcome.
It was only when I got to the wake that I felt myself relax. I had a beer (the first in a week - believe me, I hadn't felt like drinking at all up until then!), chatted to people, at some point had something to eat, and had a few more drinks. We had Sam's music and there was a really good vibe (well, as good as it could be). We shared stories about Sam and drank (and even laughed a little) and I felt a little bit of the tension ebb away.
They say the hardest part is the days leading up to the funeral (the business end, as a dear friend called it). I think they're right. I certainly felt a little better when it was all done. And I was even able to sleep a little that night (just a little).
When we went into the chapel to sit down, I noticed just how many people were there. All the seats were filled, and so was the foyer, and there were also people standing outside the foyer and in the courtyard to the side. I can't explain but it made me feel good to know that Samuel was so well thought of. We'd assumed there would be a few people there, but it was also 4 days after Christmas, so we knew that many people wouldn't be able to come.
Teenagers shouldn't have to go to a funeral
I was really pleased to see so many of Samuel's friends and school mates there. I know it must have been very hard for them, but we had really wanted them there. We deliberately included certain parts of the service to make them feel more comfortable. Right from the start we were so aware of the impact Sam's death would have on them. We were of course devastated, but to a teenager, your friends are your life. To have one suddenly die with no explanation must be such a blow. When you're a teenager you're supposed to be invincible!
As we sat down, 21 Guns by Green Day came on. We hadn't planned it at all, it was pure coincidence. This was a song that Sam loved, and it brought almost everyone to tears before the service had even begun.
John stood up and began his introductions. Then Anthony and I stood up to read the eulogy. I hadn't known until about 1 minute before I stood up that I would actually be able to. But I was surprised that we actually managed to get through it without breaking down.
Then my Dad spoke, giving all the thanks to everyone (I can never repay some people for what they did for me, especially on that day, but I did want to thank them publicly). He spoke very well too (I don't know where we found the strength!)
Then Anthony's brothers got up. James shared his memory of the concert trip, and reminded us of Samuel's love of a good steak, Tim talked about tickling Sam so much that he vomited (well, Sam did try to warn him), Phillip talked about their trip to the zoo where Sam got to feed the tiger and then 'tamed' the llama. There was apparently a llama at the zoo that would never come anywhere near people, but he walked up to Sam and ate out of his hand. Sam got his Dr Dolittle-ishness from Anthony I think. He always loved animals and was very gentle. I'm not really all that surprised about the llama.
Christopher got up and tapped the microphone. "I've always wanted to do that" he said, and everyone cracked up, which was nice. He then read "Do not stand at my grave and weep" (beautifully I might add). He then decided to go off on a bit of a tangent about space travel and such, but because we're all used to that, we were able to head him off without too much trouble (Christopher has autism and occasionally doesn't realise when it's time to stop talking).
Then they played the slideshow. I'd put together a slideshow of photos of Sam (many of them I have put up here). It was set to three songs:
- Last night on Earth - Green Day
- I miss you - Blink 182
- Home - Foo Fighters
One evening - I think it was some time around Christmas, I can't remember - Anthony, Oliver and I went for a drive in the jeep; out the back of Tharwa where Anthony used to take the boys (and me sometimes) driving. We listened to a CD James had made for us, and thought about which songs would go well. The Green Day and Blink 182 songs were on there. I had always found the Foo Fighters one very poignant (I think I'd even like it played at my funeral), and as I've mentioned before, Samuel, Anthony and I (and even Ollie a little) shared a love of the Foo Fighters.
As you can imagine, after the slideshow there wasn't a dry eye in the house, so Lorraine (nanna) did pretty well to get up and talk. She passed on a message from Jonathon (Anthony's son from a previous relationship) and then passed back to John. While they were speaking (John read a message from Jake, Samuel's best friend), the big group of teenagers (Sam's friends and school mates) filed past the coffin and wrote lots of lovely messages on it. It was such a nice moment. A few of our other family and friends came up and wrote messages too.
Then John gave the committal and the coffin was lowered while they played the song 'Time of your life" by Green Day. This song was one of Sam's favourites anyway, and it kind of fit the day. We were also pretty blown away when we found the chords for it (and nothing else) in a folder in Sam's guitar case. I'd heard him playing "Fire Water Burn" by the Bloodhound Gang on the guitar, but not Green Day. I think we made a good choice. Some of the kids were writing "hope you had the time of your life" on the coffin, and they have been on the mural too.
After that we went outside and it was just like before the service. Lots of people, lots of hugs, lots of tears. It was nice but I was tired and shell-shocked and just wanted to stop. So when everyone had sort of filtered off, we went down to the wake. There were a few people there, and I was pleased to see a few of Sam's friends. They were very nice and made my cousin Sarah (who was almost exactly one year older than Sam) feel welcome.
It was only when I got to the wake that I felt myself relax. I had a beer (the first in a week - believe me, I hadn't felt like drinking at all up until then!), chatted to people, at some point had something to eat, and had a few more drinks. We had Sam's music and there was a really good vibe (well, as good as it could be). We shared stories about Sam and drank (and even laughed a little) and I felt a little bit of the tension ebb away.
They say the hardest part is the days leading up to the funeral (the business end, as a dear friend called it). I think they're right. I certainly felt a little better when it was all done. And I was even able to sleep a little that night (just a little).
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Celebrating Sam's Life. Part 1
This post is about the day we said goodbye to Sam. It may be upsetting to some people. But I've gotta do it. I want to remember it. Don't read it if you will get upset.
I woke up early. Well, when I say I woke up, I mean I got up. We weren't really sleeping all that much in the first week. In fact, for the week we had pretty much camped in the lounge room together, pushing the lounges and the ottoman together in a big 'bed'. That's where we lay, not really sleeping, not really awake, just processing and being close to each other.
The Viewing
I don't remember much more of the morning, until 10, when we got ready to go to the viewing. Right from the start I had said that I did not want to see Sam, that I had a picture in my head that I didn't want erased. Mind you, I had seen him lying in that bed anyway, and every time I said that, it was that image that came to my mind, not the one I wanted to remember.
It wasn't until we got to the funeral home that I decided I wanted to look at him. In hindsight, I'm glad I did, but gee it was hard.
He looked great in the bright green Living End t-shirt, and the hemp jeans he had bought in Manly and was so proud of. His hair was clean and curly, like I remembered it, but there was something wrong (well, of course there was, he wasn't alive). He was too cold, too still.
The moment I saw him I broke down. I think it was then that it became a little bit real for me. I cried and cried and cried but couldn't bring myself to touch him. Finally I stroked his hair, said goodbye and put the note I had written for him in his pocket. That was enough for me. I sat in the chapel a little longer, while some of the others came in, then I went out into the waiting room. That was it for me. I didn't want to go back.
Before
The time between the viewing and the funeral is also a blur, but I think I had a nap.
James came to pick us up around 3pm. He drove us there in our car. I was pretty OK until we went round the roundabout into the crematorium. There were heaps of people standing outside the chapel, and I was pretty overwhelmed. James dropped us off around the back and I knew it would take a few minutes to 'get my shit together'. I went down to the toilet and actually hid when I saw someone coming out of there. I don't know who it was, but I wasn't ready.
A few minutes later we walked out to the front of the chapel. I couldn't believe how many people were there! The first person that came up was my mum. She gave me a hug and from then on, I couldn't stop the tears. So many people came up and hugged me, some I knew well, some I didn't. There were people there I hadn't seen in years, and family who had come from Melbourne. My uncle Steve had flown up just for the service. I remember breaking away from someone to hug my uncle Eric, who I'd just spotted behind them (I'm sorry if you were that person). I could hear the music we'd organised playing in the background: The Living End, Offspring, Foo Fighters, Blink 182, Green Day; it seemed weird but also so right.
Sam's Coffin
We'd specifically asked for no flowers, so I was happy to see how they had set up Sam's coffin. Phillip (the funeral director) had been so wonderful; so understanding and willing to accommodate anything we wanted to do. These are the things that were arranged on the coffin:
I woke up early. Well, when I say I woke up, I mean I got up. We weren't really sleeping all that much in the first week. In fact, for the week we had pretty much camped in the lounge room together, pushing the lounges and the ottoman together in a big 'bed'. That's where we lay, not really sleeping, not really awake, just processing and being close to each other.
The Viewing
I don't remember much more of the morning, until 10, when we got ready to go to the viewing. Right from the start I had said that I did not want to see Sam, that I had a picture in my head that I didn't want erased. Mind you, I had seen him lying in that bed anyway, and every time I said that, it was that image that came to my mind, not the one I wanted to remember.
It wasn't until we got to the funeral home that I decided I wanted to look at him. In hindsight, I'm glad I did, but gee it was hard.
He looked great in the bright green Living End t-shirt, and the hemp jeans he had bought in Manly and was so proud of. His hair was clean and curly, like I remembered it, but there was something wrong (well, of course there was, he wasn't alive). He was too cold, too still.
The moment I saw him I broke down. I think it was then that it became a little bit real for me. I cried and cried and cried but couldn't bring myself to touch him. Finally I stroked his hair, said goodbye and put the note I had written for him in his pocket. That was enough for me. I sat in the chapel a little longer, while some of the others came in, then I went out into the waiting room. That was it for me. I didn't want to go back.
Before
The time between the viewing and the funeral is also a blur, but I think I had a nap.
James came to pick us up around 3pm. He drove us there in our car. I was pretty OK until we went round the roundabout into the crematorium. There were heaps of people standing outside the chapel, and I was pretty overwhelmed. James dropped us off around the back and I knew it would take a few minutes to 'get my shit together'. I went down to the toilet and actually hid when I saw someone coming out of there. I don't know who it was, but I wasn't ready.
A few minutes later we walked out to the front of the chapel. I couldn't believe how many people were there! The first person that came up was my mum. She gave me a hug and from then on, I couldn't stop the tears. So many people came up and hugged me, some I knew well, some I didn't. There were people there I hadn't seen in years, and family who had come from Melbourne. My uncle Steve had flown up just for the service. I remember breaking away from someone to hug my uncle Eric, who I'd just spotted behind them (I'm sorry if you were that person). I could hear the music we'd organised playing in the background: The Living End, Offspring, Foo Fighters, Blink 182, Green Day; it seemed weird but also so right.
Sam's Coffin
We'd specifically asked for no flowers, so I was happy to see how they had set up Sam's coffin. Phillip (the funeral director) had been so wonderful; so understanding and willing to accommodate anything we wanted to do. These are the things that were arranged on the coffin:
- His Green Day shirt. I've already talked about how special that was.
- His football: he wasn't a huge footy head (thank god!), but he was pretty active, and had worked hard to develop his fitness and skills over the past couple of years.
- A little guitar: we bought this for him at a little market in Fremantle. Significant because he was really getting into the guitar in the last couple of years. (As an interesting side-note; Sam had been Googling guitar chords and learning how to play his favourite songs. The first one in his folder in 'Time of your life' by Green Day. You'll see later why this is significant).
- The Mambo bag. There were two reasons for this: he loved surfwear, especially Rip Curl and Mambo; and the bag appealed to his sense of humour, which we wanted to highlight. He thought the bag was so funny, he bought a t-shirt so he could get it (truth told, he probably did want the shirt too!), and then hung the bag up on his bedroom wall.
- The hat. I'm not really sure why we included this. Sam was always a good hat wearer. and had a heap of them, but maybe it was just because a couple of my favourite photos of Sam included the hat:
We were very happy with how it looked. There was also a big, framed picture of him too:
More later.
xx
More later.xx
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