First, an update

As you know, my life's not generally as exciting as that of the glitterati, but for a normal person, I've had some cool stuff going on this year. So first things first, a quick update. The year in pictures:

In March, I bought a new car:

Her name is Ruby Scarlet, and she's just lovely.
We were also due to go ballooning in March (on what would have been Sam's 16th birthday), but it was too wet. But we did go one foggy morning in April:

If you've never been in a hot air balloon, can I suggest you try it? It's a truly wonderful experience!


Of course, it wasn't all fun and shiny red cars, I did have to work. But, oh, that's right. I have a very cool job. We do some interesting things:

In April I also did my Sh'Bam instructor training. And then I went to Sydney and did Sh'Bam with 300 super-fit hotties!

And then in May, I went to Melbourne for a dear old friend's 40th. And I saw Prince. He was very cool.

Then we went to Sydney and walked across the bridge.

And swam  in a rooftop pool in the rain:

We bought some goats:

(They're gone now. They were a bit stinky! And they needed more room - and edible trees - than we could give them!)
We walked up some mountains:

And we played with Lego. In Sydney and in Canberra:

And most recently, in Milton:

(We'd lost Wally. But lots of people found him. I'll tell you about it sometime).

 And we welcomed a new member of the family:

Meet Rollo!

So yeah, all in all it was good. Good, yeah.
And before you ask, yes. I did have a nice year. And spent a lot of money. And was lucky enough to do some really cool things with my family. And that's what life (and this blog) is all about now.
I'm sure I'll get to tell you more soon. I hope you'll join me!

The Gym People

Click image to see its source.

Most of us are members of a gym, aren't we?
Have you ever watched the people around you? It's fascinating to watch all the different people that turn out to buff and polish.

The Kids
They're teetering on adulthood. The boys are skinny and the girls are too. They are half-hearted but frequent visitors. They wear their school shirts and never take off their earphones. Their phone is always close by.

The Oldies
There are two kinds of oldies - the beautifully presented oldies who have been doing this all their lives: They're fit and can keep up with almost everyone else in the gym. They are either solo or with their other, but they don't socialise.
Then there are the 'new gymmers'. They started when they were older. They know all the instructors by name and love a joke. They do well in the gym, but balance it with a life of fun, good food and wine!

The Couple
They work out together. She holds his bottle, he picks up her towel. They check up on each other several times. Their towels/shoes/shirts match.

The Dutiful
They're there because they've gotta maintain their look. They wear the latest gym wear and they look good, but only because they go to the gym every day. They do their 30 minutes and then they're gone. They leave the class before the cool down.

The Twins
They are both good looking, but one is always a little bit more attractive than the other. They usually spend thirty minutes on the treadmill talking to each other, occasionally breaking into catty arguments. They set up each other's gear and wear matching wrist guards.

The Trainers
They're training for something. They are there every day, sometimes with their coach. They push themselves hard. They sweat and grunt and they are focused. They wear clothes that tell a story - the marathon they ran in, their team colours.

The MEN
These are the big boys. They wear singlets so you can see how big their muscles are. And they are BIG! Their arms are as big as a grown woman's thighs. They grunt a lot and talk up their 'reps'. They're very polite but don't like to wait for a machine. They like to watch the twins walk.

The Hardcores
They have the latest gear and their sneakers are pristine. Like they've only just bought them, or like they have a pair for every day of the week.  They never grunt or sweat or even seem to exert themselves. They run for an hour with nary a hair out of place. They never, ever look at anyone, especially if it's a fat chick in an oversized t-shirt.

The Fatties
They are keen, I'll give them that. They put all their effort into whatever it is they're doing, but they find it hard to sustain long term. They wear big, baggy t-shirts in the hope that it will hide their lumps and bumps. They pick the spot in the room where there are no mirrors. They sweat, their hair gets messy, and occasionally when they're bending over to pick up the weights, a little fart pops out...but that's OK, no one can hear them!

Have I forgotten anyone? Who do you see when you go? Which one are you?

Shhhhhh.BAM!

Being the type of person that I am (that is, the addictive, impulsive type), when I find something I enjoy, I tend to focus all my energy on it, getting very actively involved. You would have seen it with my photography thing last year, but believe me, I've done it with many other things in life.

Some things, I continue with. Some I don't (you should see my guitar collection! I can play maybe two songs...) Some, I come back to a long way down the track. Some things (this is, I believe, the shortest of my lists), I actually stick with.

I'm just one of those people. I like experiencing new things, and I tend to get bored (or maybe just restless) when I do the same thing for too long (Don't tell Anthony that! 17 years is probably my record for sticking with something!)
It was a problem for me at school too, because I also loved (love) meeting new people. There was an expectation at school (I guess there probably still is) that when you found a group of friends, you stuck with them forever. It wasn't that I didn't like the friends I had, or that I didn't want to hang out with them, it was just that I liked hanging out with the others too.

But I digress. My current 'passion' is Sh'Bam (Anthony calls it Sham WOW!). I've mentioned it briefly already. I must say I'm absolutely hooked. Sh'Bam is a Les Mills class that I've been doing for about 6 weeks. It's a dance-based workout, a little like Zumba, but easier and not as focused on Latin music. It's kind of like going to a Blue-Light disco to workout. And it's so much fun! No matter what kind of mood I'm in when I arrive, I end up with a huge smile on my face by the end. Always wanting more too.

It's not the first time I've gotten hooked on exercise. You might even remember last year I was talking the same way about Zumba (which I would still be doing, if they ran it at my gym. I just can't justify the expense on top of my gym membership).

I've always liked dancing. It could be the steady diet of Hollywood musicals that I grew up on (thanks dad!), or perhaps because I'm a musical person anyway. I've always been a little disappointed that Anthony isn't a dancer, but I never really let that stop me dancing (luckily he's not the jealous type!) I used to love the blue light discos when I was a kid, and have been caught many a time dancing in the loungeroom!

So I'm hooked. I'm currently getting to 2-3 Sh'Bam classes a week, but would probably go every day if I could. It's doing some good things for my body: I feel better and I'm sure that some of the fat is coming off. But more importantly, it's doing great things for my mental health.



As I said, every time I go, I end up with a huge grin on my face. And it's pretty hard to do that some times. Especially lately. I've been so fed up with everything lately (which I'm sure was reflected in my blog). I seemed to be doing everything for everyone else, but getting nothing back. I've been completely ignored by people that should know better, and too supportive of people who definitely haven't earned it. I've spent too long on work stuff that wasn't really all that meaningful and, worst of all, have been neglecting myself. There's nothing worse than neglecting yourself to do stuff for other people.

If you ever pay attention to self-help stuff, you'll notice they talk a lot about looking after yourself.  I'm very aware of that and these days, I usually do it pretty well, but lately I haven't been. But Sh'Bam is a good way for me to get back into it. I'm definitely hooked. I don't know how long it will last, but while it does, I'm gonna through myself whole-heartedly into it. I'm not going to let anything get in the way of going. It might mean I upset some people, but it's not about them. It's about me. Because when I look after myself, everyone benefits.

Oli Update

A few things have been going on with Oliver lately. Some of which have been keeping me from you. (I know you don't mind if it's Oli!).

The Thin Fat Kid

One thing that surprised me recently was a letter I got from the school. They had been doing this program called 'SmartStart', where they check the kid's health and fitness levels. Oliver's 'report' at the end was not what I expected. According to them, he is pretty unfit, and overweight.

This kid is 7. He's not a skinny rake of a kid, but he's definitely not obese. He develops a little tummy every now and then, but tends to run it off pretty quick. And run he does. He spends a lot of time running, because he actually likes it. So it surprised me to see that he had low levels of fitness and was int eh 90th percentile for weight for his age (I'd be interested to see what the 50th percentile is!). Mind you, he's also in the 90th percentile for height. Anyone else see a pattern here??

I'm not going to get too riled up about it, but it did surprise me. So he's now doing this workshop thing once a week after school, where they talk to the kids about health and nutrition and do lots of fitness stuff. He actually enjoys that (because he loves running around), but he has to do weird stuff like wear a pedometer and record his food and exercise in a diary.

I'll repeat. The kid is 7!

Good god! he has a hard enough time getting his shit together homework-wise (reading etc), let alone filling in a diary every second day.

Don't get me wrong, I think the concept is probably a good one. And there are probably many kids out there that don't have weight-obsessed mothers who do lots of home-cooking (including school snacks), insist on vegies as much as possible, and do emphasise good health choices regularly. But Oliver's not lacking in knowledge about healthy lifestyles. Yes, he probably eats more junk than some kids, but I don't know any of those ones!

Plus Oliver actually likes exercise. He likes to run. He often opts to come on my walks or go bike riding with me. He spends a lot of time climbing or playing with his friends outside.

I don't know what my problem is with this program, and maybe there isn't one. But if they start telling my beautiful boy he's fat and unhealthy. WATCH OUT....De Castella or no De Castella (Robert De Castella is the - apparently major health nut - who started the program), they'll have me to answer for!

The Emotional Kid
Oli's also going through another clingy/emotional stage. He wants me around all the time, and is back to cuddling up to me on the couch and giving me lots of hugs. He keeps asking me to take him/pick him up from school and gets disappointed if I can't (which unfortunately is fairly regularly).

On Sunday night, I told Oli that Merlin (our 16.5 year old labrador/retriever) was probably going to die soon. He had been pretty sluggish over the preceeding few days, and a couple of times we have not expected him to last the night (mind you, it's been very cold). Bless him, he's so old and has lost most of his hearing and sight, has dementia of some kind (he often barks at nothing at all) and has absolutely no muscle tone, but he just keeps on going. We were glad he hung on for a while after Sam died, but even Anthony is ready for him to go. Poor old chap!

Anyway, back to Oliver. When I told him that, he didn't say much. Just went out and gave Merlin a pat. But after his shower he suddenly burst into tears. He had to go back out and pat Merlin again for a while, and then came back and cried and cried. He then started talking about how when Merlin died, he would know 'four people who have died'. He named Anthony's grandparents, and Sam of course. Poor kid. So much for him to think and worry about. So much death in his short life.

Well of course we talked about how we make every day count, and how we love the time we have with people, and how death is a part of life and all that stuff, but I could see he was pretty upset. And probably not so much about Merlin.

Merlin's still with us, but we know he'll go sometime soon. Hopefully Oliver will be OK with that.

Busy Busy Busy

I've been very busy lately. Thought I might update you on some of the things I've been doing. Because I've been moving stuff around, soon I'll be able to do more Sam posts! yay! But in the mean time...

Work
Work has been pretty busy lately. It's Book Week this week, so as the librarian I have been trying to get that organised. I have an assembly on Friday that I have to run, and of course I've had to find a suitable costume!!
A couple of years ago, I dressed up as Mrs. Trunchbull from Roald Dahl's Matilda:
Complete with riding crop and horrible fashion sense. I played the part well, even scaring a few kindergarten students.
It has been my most successful costume, and each year I have to try and top it (I haven't yet!). I'll let you know how I go this week!

Apart from that, I've been busy writing a couple of applications. The first was my transfer application for the new school being built not far from my house. I'd really love to work there in an exciting new school, and I've been working hard on that.

I have also been working on an application for the job I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. I'm happy to say that I was shortlisted for the job, and had a brief phone interview last week. I'm still waiting to hear about the outcome though! (keep your fingers crossed!)

Photography
You might have noticed that I haven't posted any photos lately. Apart from the busyness described above, I've been a little down on the whole thing lately, so I haven't really been taking many photos. I think I've (hopefully temporarily) lost my phojo (photo mojo), but hope to find it again soon. The dismal, freezing weather we've had here lately isn't really helping matters either. But there are nice days coming up (I hope).

Health
I'm now 6 weeks into my new 'regime'. While I'm not quite as strict as I was the first 2 weeks, I'm still not drinking coffee or eating junk. I've been very impressed with my ability to say no to yummy cakes and things actually.
I've been exercising regularly, usually 5-6 days a week. This is how my week of exercise usually goes:

• Monday - early morning walk to the gym for weights.
• Tuesday - morning walk (most of the time), and now Zumba with some people at work in the afternoons.
• Wednesday - early morning walk to the gym for weights (I try to do a more circuit-based one on Wednesdays)
• Thursday - Zumba in the evening (I've found 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer before the class works wonders).
• Friday - I usually walk to the pool and swim a bunch of laps.
• Saturday/Sunday - I try to do something active with Oliver and/or gardening. Yesterday we went for a long bike ride. Although I think I'll be doing cardio boxing with Deb on Sundays soon.

I'm feeling better - more energy definitely, and my digestive system seems to be working better. The best thing is that I don't seem to have too many cravings for junk! And, I've lost nearly 8 kilos already!

Home
As you know, I've been busy rearranging furniture and whole bedrooms, so things have also been pretty hectic on the home front.
I've been trying hard to be there for Oliver, and available for him when he needs it, and on the most part I've succeeded.

I must share with you though, Oliver is entering a new 'phase'. As I've mentioned before, he tends to latch on to things, sometimes bordering on obsession. For a long while it was Spiderman (clothes, pictures, costumes, parties etc), but he's also had an Indiana Jones phase, a Dr Who phase (which is only inactive because of the lack of current episodes), his Lego phase. and other minor ones over time.

At the moment, he's in a 'tie' phase. On Friday last week he announced that he wanted to wear a tie. I found him one at the Salvos, and from then on, he's pretty much wanted to wear one constantly. He wore one to my parent's house for dinner on Saturday, to the bird sale (where Anthony was selling some of his birds) and then out to dinner at the club last night. We were just going to get take away, but Oliver wanted to dress up and go out (a good thing, because the club is better for my diet than take away!)

Now he wants a little black suit and tie to wear to places. He asked me what jobs people do where you need to wear a tie, and every time someone asks what he wants to do when he grows up (people seem to ask him that more when he's wearing a tie!), he says "work in an office so I can wear a tie".

We're not exactly sure where it came from. He does like James Bond and The Transporter (both very dapper, tie-wearing, butt-kicking tough guys), and Dr Who, and his Mathletics avatar (the little picture that represents him) wears a tie. But we're not sure how it came on so suddenly.

I guess there are worse things. He does look very handsome dressed up, and there's something to be said for a man who dresses well, I think, but who knows where it will lead.
I've been joking about those ultra-professional people who have kids that end up as punks or hippies (slightly stereotypical I know, but you get the idea), and how I hope that because we're, well, hippies I guess, that Oliver won't turn out ultra-professional. No child of mine!...

I'll keep you posted on his adventures in fashion anyway.

How am I?

Three weeks into my health kick, and I've gotta tell you, I'm feeling pretty great!

Yesterday, I did my first Zumba class, which was I think about the best fun you can have exercising! For those who don't know (and I'm not sure that there are too many people out there that don't know!), Zumba is an aerobic style exercise class based on latin dance moves, like the salsa and the merengue. There's a lot of shimmying, hip-swivelling and butt grabbing (of yourself, not other people! ;p). It's an enormous amount of fun, and left me on a real high. I'm definitely hooked!

Apart from that, I've been doing pretty well. I'm managing to exercise 5-6 times a week, and do fairly active things in between.
I'm eating well; in fact I think the couple of weeks of cutting out almost everything really helped with the cravings etc. When presented with the kinds of things I craved (and pigged out on) before, like chocolate, potato scallops etc, I'm not even really all that interested, and can leave them behind. This is very unusual for me. I hope I can keep it up!

But I haven't been depriving myself. There have been a couple of days where I know I haven't eaten enough, but I've had the odd handful of hot chips or couple of beers in the last week and a bit. But I have been able to stop after a little bit. And I have no interest at all in going back to coffee. I'm happy with my green tea at the moment! I even ordered it yesterday when I went for coffee with some friends.
Which is great for me! I'm not sure if it's willpower, or that something's clicked in my brain, or if that 2 weeks of cutting stuff out was enough to change the way my body craves things.

And I've lost about 4 kilos already! I know that some of it is fluid (although I have been drinking massive amounts of water), and I shouldn't lose weight that quickly, but it's a good kickstart and it's very motivating.

And my mental health?
I must say, after my initial resistance to taking anti-depressants, I've gotta say they've done the trick! I'm a lot more balanced, and the days aren't so dark. I still have a bit of sadness, but it's like it's been wrapped up in a parcel, which I can only open every now and then.
I'm not sure if that's a good thing really, or what might happen when I go off the drugs, but they have helped me get my act together again, and I've gotta be grateful for that.

I still miss Sam, so much, and there are times when the feeling is stronger; like yesterday when I was walking through a shopping centre and there were teenagers everywhere, but mainly I am able to remember him more calmly and fondly.

K's mum said something that seemed to hit the nail on the head the other day. She said that sometimes she felt like K had been just a dream, and other times she expected here to walk in the door after school and say 'hi mum'.
That's what it feels like too sometimes. I still have all the reminders that Sam was here, and still have some moments of extreme pain and sadness. I'm definitely not in danger of forgetting him, but sometimes it does feel like he wasn't here at all. I hate that feeling.

But apart from all that, things are OK. Ollie and Anthony are OK. I'm OK. Everything's OK. I can't say great, but they are OK.

More later...

I'm on my way....

Today I started a 'health kick'. Well, really it's a diet, but I do so hate the 'd' word.

I've been psyching myself up for the past week, as I have been very good at abusing my body over the past few months. I've been telling myself I'm enjoying all the junk I've been eating, but I really don't think I have been! My poor body certainly hasn't loved it!

At first, I thought I might do a 'detox' or a low-carb diet to get me started, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that would be a silly move. One of my biggest (and lifelong) problems has been that I am quite capable of 'dieting', it's just that when I stop 'dieting', I pile all the weight I've lost back on (and then some!).

I did have some success a few years ago. In 2004 I decided I'd change the way I did things: I ate well, exercised a lot and lost about 40 kilos. Then Anthony got sick and I started teaching in a really stressful class, and it was the beginning of the end. I was just starting to get myself back to a good routine when we lost Sam (and you know the story from there).

So instead of the detox, I thought I'd do a couple of weeks with no junk (or alcohol or sugary stuff or processed food), and then eat well and make some long term changes.

This is what I plan to do (for the next couple of weeks):

• Eat more vegetables.
• Eat more fish.
• Cut out coffee, cola and other fizzy drinks.
• Cut out alcohol.
• Cut out chocolate, lollies, cakes and biscuits.
• Drink more water.
• Exercise more.

After the two weeks, I'll hopefully not be craving them, and will be able to eat small amounts. I really think this is the key to my success: not depriving myself.

And why am I telling you all this?

I don't know actually, perhaps it will help keep me honest? Every now and again, perhaps my lovely readers you could ask me how it's going?

The First Day

I actually made a very good start today. I ate good food (muesli for breaky, chicken salad wrap for lunch, salmon and vegies for dinner), I even passed on an ice block when Ollie had one. I also did a MASSIVE amount of exercise!
Oliver and I decided we'd go for a big bike ride around the lake. So we drove out to Lake Burley Griffin and set off around the West Basin. Little did we know that it's an 18 km ride! Never mind, we set to with determination and an abundance of energy (at first!). At the halfway mark, we noticed our bums were getting sore, and by 13km we were both pretty tired. Ollie had had enough and his lovely dad came and picked him up. I managed the next 5km, and despite a very sore bum and a tired body, I felt good!

We'll see what tomorrow brings...

What? It's not Friday yet??

My goodness time is dragging on this week!

I really thought it was Friday when I was packing up today. I must be getting very old. I pack too much into a weekend and feel like a 60 year old all week!! (No offense to 60 year olds, I do know some very nice ones :) in fact, they've probably got more 'up and go' than me at the moment!).

Oliver's finally feeling better too. As I've mentioned, Oliver was sick last week, and when it just wouldn't go away, we went to the doctor, who said it was probably giardia. Horrible little bacteria creatures! But thankfully he's on the mend and back at school. He was quite possibly driving Anthony mad!

I'm back to exercising, which is good, because none of my clothes fit properly at the moment! I have a lovely colleague that gave me a bag of shirts, which really helped, but I should really do something more about it! I do that many laps up and down the hill to the library, that I'm getting a good workout at school anyway, but I'm happy to be also doing my morning exercise. I've got a good walking buddy on Tuesday mornings (she will be good for keeping me honest on the very cold mornings), and this morning I walked down to the lake (in minus 3 degrees temperatures) to take some photos. The gym is OK, although I get frustrated with the way people look at me. I guess they've seen me coming there for so long; losing heaps of weight and then putting it all on again (I could just be paranoid)...But I do enjoy the workout.

Sick

I feel like crap.
I'm not well, but it's probably not as bad as I've had before. I haven't got much energy, and a fairly constant sinus headache, it seems to be the usual virus/turn of the season sort of thing.

No, it's more than just illness. I just feel flat, (probably) depressed, and listless. I don't really care what I'm eating or how much weight I'm putting on or how much I'm drinking. I know I should be out in the garden or playing outside with Ollie or doing some tidying or getting ready for work tomorrow, but I don't care. Well, no, that's wrong, I do care, but I just don't want to think about it. It would be nice to just switch off, and not think about anything at all for a while. But I know that's not the solution either.

I suppose it's the grief. My way of dealing with it. I know that my food issues are most likely rooted in some kind of psychological issue. Something that I have to deal with to be able to eat properly and lose weight, but surely I'm not going to have much success with that while I'm trying to process this grief stuff.

Just a vent. I know it's not always like this, just how I fell today.
Carry on.

FInding my mojo

I haven't disappeared, just had a busy weekend (doing nothing that is!).

Friday night was lovely, we had a yummy fish and chips dinner with family and close friends, which ended in an Easter egg hunt (and a very cranky, tired six year old). I even went down the big slide a couple of times. You may think 'so?', but to me it means that I might slowly be getting my mojo back.

I have been letting myself go a bit since Sam died. Which is exactly what I should not have done, but if you're in any way familiar with the cycle of overeating/guilt/overeat some more, then you'd recognise my behaviour. I am almost compulsive in my self-destructive behaviour sometimes. I am fully aware of what I'm doing and hate myself for it, but then do it some more to find 'comfort'. Some time soon I'll blog about this, because I think it's another 'issue' that I need to work through.

Firstly I stopped exercising. I had been going OK: going to the gym three times a week, walking most of the other days, going for swims and bike rides. I'm pretty good when I'm in the habit, I actually like being active.
I was so tired at the end of last year, I think I stopped around my birthday (16th) and was intending to resume once school broke up. Of course then Samuel died, and apart from the occasional walk/bike ride, I haven't really gotten back into it.

Then there was the food. I am the cook in our house (which generally I don't really mind doing), but after Samuel died, I just didn't feel like it. There didn't seem much of a point. And people were making us lovely dinners. People also were coming around with yummy things like chips and ice cream and chocolate and cake and I find it very difficult to resist those things at the best of times. And I've always been a bit of a comfort eater.

I've also been drinking too much. Not every day, but on the weekends, and too much in one sitting. And I haven't been sleeping well or drinking enough water.

Of course because of all that I've put on some weight, and I feel like crap. I knew when I was doing it that this would happen, and I didn't care. That's the worst thing. It doesn't do me or my family any favours. Samuel wouldn't be too happy about it either.

But I'm slowly getting back into it. I don't want to say 'I'm going on a diet', because I'm a terrible yo-yo dieter, and that's not good for my body. But I'm going to be a bit more careful. And exercise more. And try to figure out why I do this s**t to myself...

What's the slide got to do with it? Well, the fact that I willingly had fun, ran up the side of the stairs several times and acted a little silly means that perhaps I might find the energy to do all this. We'll see.