Friday, July 30, 2010

How am I?

Three weeks into my health kick, and I've gotta tell you, I'm feeling pretty great!

Yesterday, I did my first Zumba class, which was I think about the best fun you can have exercising! For those who don't know (and I'm not sure that there are too many people out there that don't know!), Zumba is an aerobic style exercise class based on latin dance moves, like the salsa and the merengue. There's a lot of shimmying, hip-swivelling and butt grabbing (of yourself, not other people! ;p). It's an enormous amount of fun, and left me on a real high. I'm definitely hooked!

Apart from that, I've been doing pretty well. I'm managing to exercise 5-6 times a week, and do fairly active things in between.
I'm eating well; in fact I think the couple of weeks of cutting out almost everything really helped with the cravings etc. When presented with the kinds of things I craved (and pigged out on) before, like chocolate, potato scallops etc, I'm not even really all that interested, and can leave them behind. This is very unusual for me. I hope I can keep it up!

But I haven't been depriving myself. There have been a couple of days where I know I haven't eaten enough, but I've had the odd handful of hot chips or couple of beers in the last week and a bit. But I have been able to stop after a little bit. And I have no interest at all in going back to coffee. I'm happy with my green tea at the moment! I even ordered it yesterday when I went for coffee with some friends.
Which is great for me! I'm not sure if it's willpower, or that something's clicked in my brain, or if that 2 weeks of cutting stuff out was enough to change the way my body craves things.

And I've lost about 4 kilos already! I know that some of it is fluid (although I have been drinking massive amounts of water), and I shouldn't lose weight that quickly, but it's a good kickstart and it's very motivating.

And my mental health?
I must say, after my initial resistance to taking anti-depressants, I've gotta say they've done the trick! I'm a lot more balanced, and the days aren't so dark. I still have a bit of sadness, but it's like it's been wrapped up in a parcel, which I can only open every now and then.
I'm not sure if that's a good thing really, or what might happen when I go off the drugs, but they have helped me get my act together again, and I've gotta be grateful for that.

I still miss Sam, so much, and there are times when the feeling is stronger; like yesterday when I was walking through a shopping centre and there were teenagers everywhere, but mainly I am able to remember him more calmly and fondly.

K's mum said something that seemed to hit the nail on the head the other day. She said that sometimes she felt like K had been just a dream, and other times she expected here to walk in the door after school and say 'hi mum'.
That's what it feels like too sometimes. I still have all the reminders that Sam was here, and still have some moments of extreme pain and sadness. I'm definitely not in danger of forgetting him, but sometimes it does feel like he wasn't here at all. I hate that feeling.

But apart from all that, things are OK. Ollie and Anthony are OK. I'm OK. Everything's OK. I can't say great, but they are OK.

More later...

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