Why do I keep marking the months as they pass? It doesn't serve a specific purpose I guess, but I guess in a way it helps.
Outwardly, we are seeming more and more 'normal' every day. Well, not normal, perhaps less 'sad'.
But readers, I do want you to know that even though on the outside we are getting on with things, there are still moments of sadness. They are more private now, relegated to dark, night-time moments, or brief periods when a memory intrudes. But they are still there. They always will be I guess.
7 months later and there is still not much progress on a permanent memorial. We haven't really been inspired by and ideas yet, and still don't like the idea of leaving Sam in a cemetery. I think we will probably always keep his ashes with us, but I also think it's important (for me anyway) to have a public place that other people can visit. I just don't know what. A bench or something somewhere might be nice, but where?
I think we're all going to have to support Oliver a bit too in the coming weeks and years. Outwardly he is fine, but I do get glimpses of the sadness inside him. He is a lot more sensitive than he was before; I was a bit cranky when I got home last night, and he copped a bit of a mouthful. Very bad on my part, I know, and I apologised straight away, but I could see that he was quite upset.
He's also very lonely. As I've already said, he was quite clingy during the holidays, wanting to spend every minute with me. He jumps at every opportunity to spend time with someone else, and is finding it hard to play on his own (harder than it used to be anyway).
Apart from the days immediately following Sam's death, Oliver hasn't really shown much emotion. Perhaps it's coming? Whatever happens though, we'll be here for him.
Miss you Sam.