Yes you are. Yes you can.

Number one on my developing resilience list is self-esteem. And it's probably the one that is the hardest for me.

I've always had pretty low self-esteem, which (and this may come across as vain) is odd considering I grew up in a happy, supportive household, am in a pretty happy (now - we've had our moments!) relationship, did well in school and work and have always been pretty successful at the things I've tried. I have been overweight pretty much my entire life, which I guess probably has something to do with it. But sometimes I think my low self-esteem is odd.

For example, when I went to uni (the first time, in my late 20s), almost every assignment I handed in was definitely a fail. Or so I thought. But most of the time I got distinctions and high distinctions. And now, when my friends do something nice for me, I'm always surprised. Not because I think they're assholes, but because I never think they like me as much as they probably do. What's with that?!

So, when it's come to building my resilience, I've had to work on self-esteem more than most things. This article outlines 10 steps for developing self-esteem, and it's good advice!

Being the kind of weirdo that I am, a lot of my self-esteem has come through giving myself huge challenges. Like becoming a Sh'Bam instructor for example.

My dancing shoes!

I've written about Sh'Bam before. Funnily enough, that post was also related to well-being.
Sh'Bam for me is enormously challenging but also enormously rewarding. Challenging, because I have absolutely no training in dance (just a good sense of rhythm and good muscle memory), and also because all the other instructors are at least 20 kilos lighter than me (I must not compare myself to others!).
But rewarding, because it makes me feel so good to do it (another tick in the improving self-esteem box), it keeps me active and pretty fit (and another tick), and I get amazing feedback from people, which helps me develop my positive self-talk. I'm one of those people that thrives on external feedback (both positive and constructive).
People that do my classes tell me: "The other instructors are great [[and they totally are], but you make it accessible. You make me feel like I can do it." And they tell me how funny I am. Because I love to clown around in my classes.
How wonderful this is for my self-esteem! Now that I'm finally listening to it all! For a while I was too focused on what was different about me. Now I try and focus on my strengths.

Oliver and I colour-runified!

There are other wonderful things about getting into Sh'Bam. I've made some wonderful friends, my confidence has increased, and I'm also branching out and trying other things I never would have before. Like fun runs and other fitness challenges. I really feel like I'm starting to get a handle on that side of things.

Self-esteem, whether it's poor or excellent, can have such an impact on our well-being. How's yours? And what do you do to improve it?

365 Grateful - 4

Day 4 - January 4 2014

Sh'Bam Feet!

One of the things I'm most grateful for is Sh'Bam. I discovered Sh'Bam in April 2011 when I attended the second class held at my local gym. From that class on, I was hooked! I did the class about three times a week and lost 25 kilos doing it. Then I decided that I'd like to become a Sh'Bam instructor. I did the training in April 2012 and since then I've been taking tracks during other people's classes. I had just got my own class when I fractured my knee last October, and I hadn't done a class since until last weekend. And then yesterday I managed to teach a few tracks.

I love Sh'Bam because it's energetic and a great cardio workout, but also because it's LOTS of fun. The songs are catchy and the steps are easy to pick up, and the instructors that I work with always have lots of fun mucking around and hamming it up. The participants love it and so do I! Without Sh'Bam, it's very hard to stay motivated to keep fit!

The Food Thing

I'm pretty active. Yes, I sit at a desk for a good portion of every day, but I do try hard to be active every day. I do my (beloved!😊) Sh'Bam three times a week (and for the past 3 weeks I've been doing weights after each class), Oliver and I swim each Tuesday night, I walk (by myself or with the dog on Thursdays and Fridays, and on the weekends I try and do at least one extra thing that's active: a big walk, a long bike ride with Oliver, some gardening.

And I've been fairly active for a while now, probably since I did my Sh'Bam training about a year ago. But my weight has pretty much stayed the same. Much to my horror.

Because I've got this problem with food. I like it! I enjoy lots if different kinds of food, and probably have some unhealthy associations with it.

As I've documented previously, I've tried lots of 'diets' - recently the 12WBT and Atkins, and I've been relatively successful in both: until they finish. Or something distracts me from that path. And that's happened to me a few times in my life. All 'diet' bring the same result for me: some good weight loss, then it's over and I put it all back on. With interest.

Because tryimg to lose weight has been a significant part of my life (oh god that's sad!), I've done a lot of reading (I know I know, that was my first mistake!). And I've figured out that good eating is pretty simple. Eat when you're hungry, until you're full, and make sure that most of the food you eat is as close to its natural state as possible.

So that's what I'm doing now. I'm not going to starve myself, and I'm not going to deprive myself, but I'm going to be more mindful. These are some of the changes I've been making over the past couple of months;

• I'm eating very little sugar. Well, fructose to be exact. David Gillespie and Sarah Wilson wrote some pretty compelling stuff that struck a chord with me, and I gave it a go, I'm not quite as militant about it, but I avoid anything with sugar added to it, and don't eat any cakes or biscuits. I've found that I eat little enough that I don't get the cravings, but I do still have the occasional ice cream. And I do drink beer (which actually doesn't contain fructose, so it's ok). Now I know that I said I wasn't going to deprive myself, but I really don't feel that I do. When I initially started with the 'no sugar' thing, I did cut it out completely. And I did get the withdrawals and the headaches and stuff, but once I got through that, I felt really good: my skin was clear, I had more energy, I slept better and I was even all day. No 3pm slump. So it made it worth it. And when I did try something sweet, it didn't have the same appeal, and tasted waaaay to sweet. Like Mars Bars for example. I now find the eye-wateringly sweet. And disgusting. My tastebuds have changed a lot. Raspberries with mascarpone is my sweet treat, and plain sparkling mineral water is my 'soft drink'. 
• I'm eating less. I'm trying very hard to listen to my body. I try to only eat when I'm hungry, and I don't clean my plate if I'm full. I used to just era it because it was there. I'm definitely noticing that I'm fitting less in.
• I'm eating more fresh food. I've always done a lot of home cooking, but now I very rarely buy anything pre made. My grocery habits have changed and I spend twice as much on meat, fruit send vegetables than I do on groceries. And most of my groceries are ingredients (except Anthony's chocolate peanuts- the dude's hooked!).
• I don't drink as many calories. When I was a young, overweight person, I was under the impression that it was food that made you fat, so I couldn't understand why I was so fat when I drank lots of shakes, soft drink or flavoured milks but didn't eat much. Of course now I know better. Now, I stick to water and tea mostly, with the occasional coffee or diet coke (although these aren't as appealing any more), and on the weekends I have a couple of drinks. Usually beer.

I'm careful with what I eat but at the same time I'm not crazed. If I want an ice cream, I have it. If I want some pizza or some really nice cheese, I have it. No deprivation!

And finally, it seems to be working. I'm finally losing a bit of weight. Well, rearranging it anyway; as my measurements change more often than the number on the scales. But it's progress and I'm happy with that.

So my goal, in relation to food, is to keep this up. It should be too hard as its not a 'plan' I'm following, it's just normal life with a little common sense thrown in. I'll keep you posted about my progress.

The Mother of Re-invention

I've been busy lately. No busier than normal I guess, but a good kind of busy as
I've been concentrating on me. On me doing things differently. There's the health thing - as you know I've been on that road for a while, but there's also the change in my attitude.
When I say lately, I guess I probably mean in the three and a half years since Sam died. Something about that whale experience, while incredibly horrible has also been life-changing in other ways: I've reassessed my priorities, my goals, and even my values.

That's not to say I've suddenly become s different person. If anything I've become more...me. I'm almost ashamed to say it but there are parts of me that I've kept hidden for a long time, but I needed to recognise that and make changes. No it's definitely not been an easy transition and I've got a long way to go, but I think I've made some real progress.

Let's take my health for example. As I've mentioned quite a few times, I have always struggled with my weight. And while I'm certainly not where I'd prefer to be, weight-wise, I'm healthier than I've been in a very long time. I willingly exercise at least 6 times a week, my skin is great, I eat pretty healthy most of the time (though I've still got a bit of work to do there, especially around the odd sugar/fat binge), I very rarely get sick - in fact I can't remember the last time I had a bad cold. 2011?

Sh'Bam has had a lot to do with it. More than anything, it gave me reason to enjoy exercising again. Oh it's been hard being a part of a group of fitness instructors that are a lot smaller and fitter than me, but they have all been so supportive and welcoming that I can't help but love it. And the people in the classes give me good feedback too.

All this has led to a real boost in my confidence. I can get up on the stage in a Sh'Bam class and go from vamp to ballet dancer to Jane Fonda hip hop 'homey' and it seems like it's coming naturally. I don't feel nearly as self-conscious as I maybe thought I might.


                                

And the confidence sneaks into other areas of my life too: I'm seeking up more at work, voicing my opinion more and stepping up into more challenging roles (where possible), I'm trying new things and going out more and talking to more people. I'm actively taking myself out of my comfort zone. Last night, I auditioned for  stage production of Footloose. Now, while I am not renowned as a shy and retiring type, this was a big leap for me. I love preforming, and did a lot of it in school, but haven't done anything since then. But I went and I SANG! In front of people! I made a general donkey of myself. I was so nervous that my voice sounded awful and I mucked up the accent (both things that I'm actually not too bad at), but it doesn't matter. I was just happy that I took that risk and did it. It's something that I definitely wouldn't have done 2 years ago. Perhaps not even 2 months ago.

These things have given me the strength and the courage to keep on this path. To keep improving myself. To test myself to see how far I can go. But to also do the things that make me happy, make me feel good.

Of course, one of those things is this blog. For those first couple of years after Sam died, this blog kept me going, gave me a place to get it all down, get it all out of my head. For the last year or so I haven't really known what to do with it. I've tried writing a few things, but there was always the thought 'why would they want to read about that?" But then I realised. That doesn't really matter. Because blogging makes ME fee good. Even if no one's reading it (although I do like it when they do!).

So in the interest of making me happy, I'm coming back to blogging. More soon!

First, an update

As you know, my life's not generally as exciting as that of the glitterati, but for a normal person, I've had some cool stuff going on this year. So first things first, a quick update. The year in pictures:

In March, I bought a new car:

Her name is Ruby Scarlet, and she's just lovely.
We were also due to go ballooning in March (on what would have been Sam's 16th birthday), but it was too wet. But we did go one foggy morning in April:

If you've never been in a hot air balloon, can I suggest you try it? It's a truly wonderful experience!


Of course, it wasn't all fun and shiny red cars, I did have to work. But, oh, that's right. I have a very cool job. We do some interesting things:

In April I also did my Sh'Bam instructor training. And then I went to Sydney and did Sh'Bam with 300 super-fit hotties!

And then in May, I went to Melbourne for a dear old friend's 40th. And I saw Prince. He was very cool.

Then we went to Sydney and walked across the bridge.

And swam  in a rooftop pool in the rain:

We bought some goats:

(They're gone now. They were a bit stinky! And they needed more room - and edible trees - than we could give them!)
We walked up some mountains:

And we played with Lego. In Sydney and in Canberra:

And most recently, in Milton:

(We'd lost Wally. But lots of people found him. I'll tell you about it sometime).

 And we welcomed a new member of the family:

Meet Rollo!

So yeah, all in all it was good. Good, yeah.
And before you ask, yes. I did have a nice year. And spent a lot of money. And was lucky enough to do some really cool things with my family. And that's what life (and this blog) is all about now.
I'm sure I'll get to tell you more soon. I hope you'll join me!

Losing Mel

So, I'm a few days into my quest for a new me, and so far so good.
I'd like to share a couple of successful moments with you, and then do a little bit of goal-setting.

I've mentioned before that food is a bit of a weakness for me. I can't help it, I like food. Especially good food that tastes yummy. So whenever I've 'dieted' (god I hate that word) before, it's been food that's brought me undone. I'm good at getting into a fitness routine, but it's the food that gets me in the end.

The very last time I started in on this, it was chocolate (my arch nemesis!). No sooner had I resolved to change my wicked ways than boxes of it appeared around the office (fundraising for the Christmas party; so a good cause, but a terrible temptation all the same), and my lovely colleague/boss Lyn introduced me to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Sigh.

Before that it was alcohol. I don't drink much really, and never during the week, but I do like the odd drink on the weekend. And sometimes when I have a couple of drinks, it's very easy to slip into the junk-food habits that seem to go hand in hand with it.

And there's also the general stuff - I have been hesitant to forgo the hot chips or the bowls of ice cream that my boys can enjoy without too much trouble (although Oliver is showing signs of the potential to pudge - better watch that).

So since I resolved to do better (and to spend a couple of weeks cutting ALL the bad stuff out), I've been proud of some wins (small things yes, but big to me):

• When at a cooking party recently, I avoided the Burger Rings, a one-time favourite (I craved them terribly when pregnant with Samuel)
• I have been able to completely ignore the ever-growing stash of junk food in the office, including the Chomp bar left on my desk this morning (Anthony gets that one - lucky boy
• At the club for lunch on Sunday, I went to the bar for a beer, and came back with a soda water
• I've been eating LOTS more vegies

I haven't done much exercise lately, as I've been sick, but I plan to get stuck into it again this week.

So here are my short term goals:

• To get back into my typical exercise routine:
• Monday - Sh'Bam
• Tuesday - 45 minute morning walk
• Wednesday - 45 minute morning walk
• Thursday  - Sh'Bam
• Friday - sometimes a walk
• Saturday - Sh'Bam
• Sunday - something with Oli (bike ride, walk or whatever)
• To lose 5 kilos by this time next month
• To stick with the 'no sugar or starchy carbs' thing at least until I go away with the boys in early October

If I do all this, I am going to buy myself a treat. I'm not sure what yet...

Shhhhhh.BAM!

Being the type of person that I am (that is, the addictive, impulsive type), when I find something I enjoy, I tend to focus all my energy on it, getting very actively involved. You would have seen it with my photography thing last year, but believe me, I've done it with many other things in life.

Some things, I continue with. Some I don't (you should see my guitar collection! I can play maybe two songs...) Some, I come back to a long way down the track. Some things (this is, I believe, the shortest of my lists), I actually stick with.

I'm just one of those people. I like experiencing new things, and I tend to get bored (or maybe just restless) when I do the same thing for too long (Don't tell Anthony that! 17 years is probably my record for sticking with something!)
It was a problem for me at school too, because I also loved (love) meeting new people. There was an expectation at school (I guess there probably still is) that when you found a group of friends, you stuck with them forever. It wasn't that I didn't like the friends I had, or that I didn't want to hang out with them, it was just that I liked hanging out with the others too.

But I digress. My current 'passion' is Sh'Bam (Anthony calls it Sham WOW!). I've mentioned it briefly already. I must say I'm absolutely hooked. Sh'Bam is a Les Mills class that I've been doing for about 6 weeks. It's a dance-based workout, a little like Zumba, but easier and not as focused on Latin music. It's kind of like going to a Blue-Light disco to workout. And it's so much fun! No matter what kind of mood I'm in when I arrive, I end up with a huge smile on my face by the end. Always wanting more too.

It's not the first time I've gotten hooked on exercise. You might even remember last year I was talking the same way about Zumba (which I would still be doing, if they ran it at my gym. I just can't justify the expense on top of my gym membership).

I've always liked dancing. It could be the steady diet of Hollywood musicals that I grew up on (thanks dad!), or perhaps because I'm a musical person anyway. I've always been a little disappointed that Anthony isn't a dancer, but I never really let that stop me dancing (luckily he's not the jealous type!) I used to love the blue light discos when I was a kid, and have been caught many a time dancing in the loungeroom!

So I'm hooked. I'm currently getting to 2-3 Sh'Bam classes a week, but would probably go every day if I could. It's doing some good things for my body: I feel better and I'm sure that some of the fat is coming off. But more importantly, it's doing great things for my mental health.



As I said, every time I go, I end up with a huge grin on my face. And it's pretty hard to do that some times. Especially lately. I've been so fed up with everything lately (which I'm sure was reflected in my blog). I seemed to be doing everything for everyone else, but getting nothing back. I've been completely ignored by people that should know better, and too supportive of people who definitely haven't earned it. I've spent too long on work stuff that wasn't really all that meaningful and, worst of all, have been neglecting myself. There's nothing worse than neglecting yourself to do stuff for other people.

If you ever pay attention to self-help stuff, you'll notice they talk a lot about looking after yourself.  I'm very aware of that and these days, I usually do it pretty well, but lately I haven't been. But Sh'Bam is a good way for me to get back into it. I'm definitely hooked. I don't know how long it will last, but while it does, I'm gonna through myself whole-heartedly into it. I'm not going to let anything get in the way of going. It might mean I upset some people, but it's not about them. It's about me. Because when I look after myself, everyone benefits.