The Second Year

I've had a week or so of really missing Sam. Not constant melancholy or anything like that, but strong feelings of loss.

It started with the usual stuff - last Saturday we watched the broadcast of the Foo Fighters gig, which brought back those feelings of 'wish you'd been there'. Then on Sunday night we went over to my brother-in-law James' house to watch the DVD of the Green Day tour that he and Sam went to, just before Sam died.

Even though the DVD was shot in Tokyo, it still gave me a really good sense of what it must have been like, and I know that Sam would have loved it. It was his first major concert, one of his favourite bands, and it was a pretty awesome show from what I can see: lots of great songs, a real presence on stage, fire and special effects, sing alongs - everything you want from a good concert experience.
 As I said a while back, his main reaction was 'it was good, yeah', but I know it was a lot more exciting to him than he made out. Despite getting home from Sydney quite late, he still went to school the next day to tell everyone about it!
The concert DVD ended with 'Time of Your Life', which as you know was played while Sam's coffin was lowered at his funeral. So it was a bit of a sad moment for all of us.

Despite a busy week, there have been lots of little moments when Samuel was right at the front of my mind. I'm also seeing lots of comments from his friends about learning how to drive, which starts that ache again. I hate all these reminders that Sam won't get to do those things. Not that I begrudge his friends, it just hurts.

Then, on Saturday night, we watched the movie 'Tangled', which (of all things) set me off. As you probably know, it's an animated Disney movie about Rapunzel, so not they type you'd usually associate with grief. But there's a scene towards the end where the town sends a big bunch of lanterns up into the sky, an annual thing that marks the birthday of the lost princess (i.e. Rapunzel). For some reason, all I could think of was Sam, and the tears just flowed.

I've mentioned before that I've found this second year harder than the first. That's not to say that I am spiraling into misery or anything like that - I'm definitely in the 'testing - acceptance' stages of grief - but I am experiencing many more of the feelings now, that I expected, but didn't feel in the early days.

My best friend Sally and I were talking about it yesterday, and we decided that during the first year, we were so busy getting used to things, and going through 'firsts': the first Christmas, first birthday, first Mother's Day etc; that we didn't have time to think of the permanence of this. Not as much as we do now, anyway.

It is permanent. I'll never see him again. That's hard.

Don't worry about me; there are plenty of things to make me happy, and to keep me going. But it's important that I still document these things. Because I do miss him. So much.

A Sam Birthday

Yesterday ended up, once again, being a lovely day.

In the morning, we listened to a few Sam songs, and had a bit of a cuddle and a cry.

Around lunch time, 3 of Anthony's brothers turned up with their partners. We had a lovely hour or so chatting, drinking beer and eating the types of junky food that Sam loved (fairy bread, sweet chili philly, chips and lolly snakes).

A couple of hours later, a big group of Sam's friends turned up. By then, we had lit a fire in the backyard, and they sat around chatting and watching as Oliver and his friend cooked marshmallows (then, possibly because the bigger boys were prompting them - grapes, bread, tomatoes, they even tried a Tim Tam...)

After a while, Oliver got out a bag of water balloons that his friend had brought around, and all the boys (Sam's friends as well as Oliver, his friend and Anthony) had a fairly decent water fight.

My parents and Anthony's other brother came around as the water fight was winding up, and then, after all of them had left, my best friend Sally and her son Jack came over, topping off a lovely day.

Sam would have loved it. Good friends, family, great music (we played a playlist of his songs all day), yummy food and a water fight. A very fitting way to celebrate his 15th birthday.

We were very impressed with his friends, who not only had the idea to come over, took 3 hours out of their Saturday afternoon to spend with us, and then included Oliver and his friend in a game. They are such nice kids (I know I keep saying that, but it's true!), but then again, Samuel wouldn't have been friends with them if they weren't (I know, I keep saying that too!)

So if you're reading this, thanks for turning up. A couple of people didn't, because they obviously have some issues. But hey, it's their loss. We had a great day.

When did he grow up?

I've been trying to think of something nice to post: some good memories about Sam preferably. But because of all the stuff that's been going on, every time I try to remember something, I end up sad, or with flashbacks about the day Sam died.

So I thought I'd go through some of my photos, to see if I could find something that sparked a memory.

Of course, the first problem is that I have more than 17000 photos on my computer, and a lot more in albums and on CDs, so that approach probably wasn't going to be as immediate and successful either. Still, it's always nice to look at them.

As I looked at Samuel's changing face over the years, I thought about how his personality had changed too; and how, in that last year before he died, he was well on his way towards becoming a man.

Of course, for most of the time we had with Sam he was a child (surely these are happy memories, which I'll get to - as soon as I can access those memories!).
Then suddenly he was a big brother:

It can't have been easy for him. For 7 years he was an only child, and treated as such. Suddenly there was no time for him, and so much more expected of him. But to his credit, for a while he remained his lovely, warm, friendly self: bright, funny, cheeky, but still fairly innocent and childlike.

It was around this time though, that we started becoming a little more 'permissive' in our parenting.
Suddenly, Samuel was watching more 'mature' TV shows (like 'Family Guy'), and seemed to be 'getting' more of his Uncle James' dirty jokes (surely that's what happens when you have busy parents and a new baby?!) While he was still lovely, new behaviours began to emerge:

Of course, it was all downhill from there. Before our very eyes, our boy began to transform into a profane, pre-pubescent preteen.
We went through a pretty rough patch in 2006; when Anthony got sick and I was working in a pretty tough environment. So all things considered, Samuel did OK. It must have been a pretty horrible time for him; with lots of added responsibility; grumpy, stressed, sick parents and a toddling little brother who did things like push his Lego men down the shower drain (how horrified the Lego lover Ollie is about that time now!)
He could have gone completely off the rails, but managed to keep it together (a testament to his resilience and wonderful personality).
But apart from the odd cranky outburst, he was pretty normal. He went about developing his wonderful musical tastes, perfecting his attitude, and collecting bling;
and although he seemed a bit horrid sometimes, he generally was still lovely.

There were times when I despaired about the loss of my little boy, but I knew things were going to be OK when he still dragged himself on little 'outings' with Oliver and I, despite an obvious lack of interest:
He usually came along willingly, and even enjoyed himself (when no one was looking).

Samuel was also a great person to have with around on holidays too, especially as he got older.
I'm a traveller, with hopefully much more travelling in my future, and only now am starting to come to terms with the fact that I might have to do it alone.
While Anthony will go on 'big' holidays if I drag him along, he's never been as enthusiastic about visiting relatives or doing short trips.
There was no way I was going to let that keep me at home, so I often used to just take off with the kids on tow. We would often drive to my godmother's house in Moruya, or even to Melbourne to visit my family there. He liked seeing new places and always got excited about going on holidays.

As he got older, Samuel became both my navigator and travelling partner. He would help with Oliver, provide great conversation on the long drives, and act as the DJ. It was actually nice having the two boys at such different stages, even though we had the occasional clash of interests, especially when acting as 'tourists'. Samuel loved doing the touristy stuff: zoos, motel pools etc; whereas Ollie always had to have sleeps or play at the park. But it was nice having someone to talk 'grownup' to.

As the years (and the photos) went on, I saw more and more of the potential man emerge:
The kid-with-attitude who still loved (and tolerated) his little brother:

And the attractive young man who was starting to care more about clothes and appearances:
He was still sweet and innocent sometimes, and becoming a mature and responsible person. By thirteen, he had acquired the obligatory gadgets (iPod, mobile phone), all through hard work (yes, I work my kids hard!) and perseverance. These gadgets were responsible for teaching him some important life lessons.
He learned the value of money and how to save for something he wanted when he saved up and bought himself both the iPod and the phone.
He also learned how easy it is to lose them. In year 7, a fellow student stole his phone, and despite our very strenuous efforts to get it back (and get some justice), he never did. A harsh lesson, and perhaps another step towards the end of his innocence. I still get angry about that. Even more so now that I just know this kid is never going anywhere in this life, but he still gets to live it. (No, I don't wish him harm, I just get angry)

But that's something I shouldn't dwell on.

As for the photos, I never could pinpoint that moment when he changed from boy to man. But perhaps this one comes close. This was taken just after his 12th birthday, in early year 7.

It's here where I can really start to see the difference in his face. He was starting to lose some of the puppy fat and seemed to be stretching upwards every day! He was just so gorgeous!

Sam's School

We're lucky enough to live within walking distance of a great public school.
Samuel and Oliver both started preschool there, and Samuel completed year 8 there in 2009.

Samuel didn't always like school, especially in year 5 and 6, I think partly because he was a little overweight at that point, and felt uncomfortable.
But when he got to high school, after the initial settling-in/finding his feet, he actually started to blossom. By year 8 he was getting good reports and good grades, and the teachers always spoke highly of him. Many of them came to his funeral as well.

The principal of the school came to see us not long after Samuel's funeral (she had been overseas at the time), and was able to lead the school staff through their talks to the other students as well as notifying the school community. She also brought us a couple of old yearbooks that had photos of Sam in them. Another teacher went out of his way to find photos of Sam (taken at camps etc) and put them on discs for us. We were blown away by the kindness and support we received from the school. Even the P&C helped us with organising back-to-school stuff for Oliver.

I have been in semi-regular contact with the year 9 coordinator, who was also Samuel's science teacher (and his favourite). She has been talking to the students at the school about what they would like to do to honour Sam's memory. Because he died in the holidays (4 days after term 4 ended), some of the students didn't know, and others hadn't had a chance to talk it through with each other, so she has been guiding them through those conversations.

The students were sure that they wanted to have some kind of memorial for Sam, and recently she sent me an email telling me about the meeting she had had with them.
The kids had some interesting ideas: They wanted to hold a carnival in Samuel's honour, to make wrist bands etc...she said they went a little crazy and she had to bring them down again, but eventually they came up with some ideas.

The Yearbook
The school is going to dedicate a page to Samuel in this year's yearbook, with the kids contributing some photos and quotes. As I've said before, he was pretty popular, so it's kind of fitting that the kids thought to do this for him.

The Video
The kids really wanted to make a 'documentary' about Sam: interviewing people and including some funny memories and reflections about Sam. I thought this was a very nice idea!

The Award
Right at the beginning, we asked the principal if we could contribute to an award in Sam's name.
We offered to cover any costs and provide a 'prize' for the student who ran it. When they talked to the kids about it, they loved the idea, and want the award to be along the lines of 'happiest student of the year', as that was the way they saw Sam. We thought it was a very nice idea. The year 10 students will nominate one of their peers, and the award will be judged by a panel including some of Samuel's friends (and perhaps one of us).

The Door
They also wanted to paint one of the music room doors orange, because orange is Sam's favourite colour, and because he spent a lot of time in the music room.

The Lemon Tree
This one is my favourite. Samuel used to think he was very cool when he could eat a whole lemon. I didn't think much of it at the time (just a kid showing off), but it must have been something he made a big deal about at school, because the kids were very keen to give the award recipient a lemon tree. To me, this shows how much impact Samuel had on people's lives, because it's a memory that has stuck with many of them.
We thought that it might not be the best idea to give someone a tree, as they might not be able to look after it. We told the teacher that, and after she spoke to the kids they agreed, but did not want to let the lemon tree idea go. So instead, they are going to plant one out the front of the school and create a bit of a memorial garden for Sam. What a lovely idea.
We have ordered some lemon trees from Diggers, and hopefully will get the chance to help them plant them.

As for the award prize, we will donate a JB Hifi voucher (because of Sam's love of music and video games), and a Goodberry's voucher (because he loved Goodberry's). I think that will go down well.

Writing it down here, it seems like a lot. But from what I can tell, the kids are pretty determined! I told the teacher I was concerned that we were stringing the whole thing out too much, that they might be better off not having it in their face all the time, but she said that 'they're not going to let him go that easy'.

So it's all very nice. Once again, reaffirming my belief that all teens aren't so bad. And that I chose the right school. Thanks to all of you.

Teenagers

On a blog that is now required reading for me, I've just been reading about a wonderful act of kindness by three teenage girls. This blog is now set to private, the girls took the time to pause their travels and care for and comfort some children who were injured and upset.

What these girls did was amazing and selfless and brave.

And it got me thinking about how great teenagers are, and how little we (by 'we' I mean we as a society) recognise that.

I am well aware that a great deal of the blame for that rests with the media, who love a good tale of teens out of control: teen joyriders, teen hooligans, teen party animals, reckless teens, violent teens, teen vandals....you get the picture....(do a Google search on news+ teens, and you won't get too many 'feelgood' stories, that's for sure).

For a while now, I've been contemplating a move to high school teaching. Most of the people I know are fairly supportive, but many people make comments on how hard it would be to work with teenagers, how much attitude they give etc.
In my experience, a 10 year old can give as much (of not more) attitude than a teenager anyway!

Take Samuel for example. He was a bit of a ratbag, yes, occasionally bad-tempered, sometimes rude, often cranky, but he was a nice kid. Even when he was cranky or rude, he generally found a way to make up for it later. And really, it wasn't that often. And when thousands of strange hormones are running through your body, of course you're going to be a bit 'odd' (just ask any woman in their childbearing years!) And he had certainly 'mellowed' a hell of a lot by the time he hit high school! In fact, I'd say that his most horrible years were firmly based in primary school.

Sam had time for everyone. He chose his friends based on common interests and comparability, not popularity. He was funny and smart and optimistic. He could write well and was good at science and maths. He was a talented mimic and good at music. He went out of his way to help people and willingly spent one night a week with his nanna. He took on the responsibility we gave him willingly. He did as he was asked to do. He put up with a couple of workaholic, stressed, slightly crazy parents with good humour and grace. He followed the rules. He persisted with things that were hard (most of the time).
He was just a wonderful kid. To not have seen the kind of teenager he would have become is just criminal. Though I can make a pretty good estimation.

I get a glimpse of what he could have been through his friends and peers. Some of the things they have said about him confirm everything I had hoped he would be. He was such a good friend to them.

And then I see some of the things they do and it gives me hope. Why just tonight as I finished reading Kate's blog, I logged onto Facebook and saw a photo of Sam in my news feed. One of the lovely girls in his friendship group had taken a photo of him, added a poem and some lovely edited touches. Of course it brought me instantly to tears, but I thought it was just beautiful.

These kids constantly amaze me with wonderful gestures like that. And I can't help but think that if these kids, and Sam, and the girls in Kate's blog can be like this, then surely there are a whole heap of other teens that are just the same?

I'm not stupid or idealistic enough to believe that every teen in the world is wonderful and faultless and 'savable', but as long as I know there's a few, I know that the world's probably going to be OK. Hey they might have faults and make mistakes, isn't that what being a teen is all about? At least their faults and mistakes generally don't affect lots of people.
Come to think of it, I don't know a whole lot of adults who are wonderful and faultless, do you?

So I'd like to put it on the record that I think teenagers are OK. And the more I think about it, the more I think that high school is where I want to be. Yes there will probably be times when I think 'what the hell am I doing?', but who wouldn't want to be in on the wonderful roller coaster that is adolescence?

From "The Funny Times"

Good yeah?

I guess you're wondering what it means, why it's the title of my blog.
Well, it's simple. Samuel, like any other normal teenager, took great pains to subvert the beautiful (yet over complicated) English language. While not quite as monosyllabic as the stereotypical teenaged boy; unless he was waxing on a subject he was passionate about, he was a man of few words.

An expression he adopted that was at times delightful, and at others a severe hindrance to conversation, was "Good, yeah." Whether the question was "How are you?" or "What did you think of the movie?", his standard response was "Good, yeah."

The king of understatement?
The most classic example that I can think of was relayed to me by James, my brother-in-law and Samuel's youngest uncle. James had ended up with a spare ticket to the Green Day concert in Sydney. He had kindly offered to take Sam. It was his first concert, and from what I hear, it was a pretty amazing one - light show, cannons firing tour shirts, audience participation, all the things that make a great stadium show - and a great way to introduce a music loving teenager to live music. James said that Sam didn't sit down for the whole show, and was obviously rapt in the whole thing.
Afterwards, James asked what Samuel had thought of the show. Sam's response?
"It was good, yeah."