Same but different...

This is Samuel at 7:
And this is Oliver at 7:
For a while, they looked very much alike, especially when they were babies, and when they were around 4 years old. But as you can see, Oliver is starting to look less like Sam as he gets older.

They've always had very different personalities too - Oliver is the more boisterous, friendly and outgoing, whereas Samuel was gentle and caring and reserved (sometimes).

And as Oliver gets older, I notice some things that are very similar and some things that are very different...

Music
There are still similarities there. Obviously in a house full of music they both grew up with an appreciation of it (and both went through a 'turn it down mum!' phase).
One thing though is that Oliver sings. All the time. He's always singing to himself (occasionally throwing up some amusing lyrics as he does. And he can actually hold a tune. There's a audio clip of him singing in the shower in this post. He also has a great ear for music, and remembers it really well. Yesterday when we were driving he was singing a tune and he said 'does this sound right?'. I asked him what song it was and he said 'it's the one from Harry Potter when they're walking through the hallways' (or something like that). I didn't even notice that music in the movie, but he's singing it!
I am trying to encourage him to get singing lessons or learn an instrument, but he says he'll only do it with me. But I can only play saxophone well enough to teach someone. I'd rather he played guitar or piano. Perhaps I should learn with him...

Drawing
Samuel liked to draw, and we often bought him pencils or drawing books. But it was something he did every now and again. As Oliver got older, he would try to draw with Sam, and get frustrated when he couldn't draw the same things.
Lately, Oliver's been drawing a lot. It seems that it's his activity of choice lately. He'll sit for long periods of time just filling pages with little drawings (I've got a really good one at work, I'll bring it home and scan it in).
He takes a lot of time and care with it, and gets upset if it's not working out like he wants it to. I keep telling him he's got good skills for a 7 year old, but he's very intense about it.

Around the house
At the moment, one of the most noticeable differences between Samuel and Oliver is the way they are about housework. Samuel did do a lot of jobs/chores from an early age, but was never really interested in helping out.
Oliver does jobs too, but (very strangely considering the rest of us slobs!) also keeps his room clean, and volunteers to help out quite a lot. Yesterday, he weeded a whole garden bed for us. Yes, I did offer to pay him, but even when he was sick of it and complaining of a sore back, when I told him to take a break he decided to finish.
He's also very different to Sam when it comes to school and homework. Oliver is up, dressed and ready by 7-7:30 most mornings. We always had to drag Sam out of bed, even when he was young. He also used to like watching TV in the mornings, but Oliver often leaves it off.
Oliver also has a really great attitude about homework. Even if he (we) forget and leave it until the last minute, he'll make sure he finishes all of it and hands it in on time. Samuel was never that conscientious about it!

Activity and TV
And Oliver's the sporty one. As I've said before, Samuel liked sport, and went through active phases, but he was never a runner and didn't seek out opportunities to be active.
Oliver loves to run. He runs to school each day and enjoys being outside and active.
He also doesn't watch as much TV as Sam used to. The TV is on a fair bit (bad habit I know!), but he's often off doing something else. There are TV shows he likes, but he's just as happy doing other things. That's OK by me because I don't like TV much either.

Sometimes I wonder if all this is natural. If Oliver would have been like this if Samuel was still alive. Is some of it because he wants the attention, because he wants to please, or is it him? I guess I'll never know, but I'm not complaining. He's nice to have around.

Brothers

I'm sitting here watching Oli and my 'other' son (my best friend's son, who for the last few years has been my 'middle child') play. Gee it brings back some memories.

Samuel and Oliver were never a perfect fit. There were just too many years between them. When Ollie was a baby, Sam was 8, 9...just finding his little place in the world. When Oliver was old enough to be an interesting little brother, Sam was heading into his teens, and absolutely uninterested in a pesky little brother.

Don't get me wrong, they did have their moments. I didn't tend to let Sam get away with ignoring Oliver all together, and when I gave him the choice of 'play with Oliver or do the jobs I would not be doing if I was playing with Oliver', he always chose to play with him.

And properly motivated, Samuel did play well. He taught Oliver to play board games like Headache, Mastermind and Battleship, as well as a variety of card games. He played hide and seek and went out riding in the street with Ollie. He caught animals for Oliver to touch and see up close, and he showed Oliver how to draw cool pictures. He built amazing lego spaceships (that were sometimes 'hands off', but not always) and played video games with Ollie.

I've noticed that Ollie's been feeling a bit lonely lately. I know that some of it is the reality of losing his brother sinking in. The knowledge that even though Sam did his fair share of tormenting, he was still a pretty awesome big brother. He's been very aware of death and illness and stills asks questions similar to this one, but it's more the loneliness that makes me sad. He always wants to be around me or Anthony, and likes having friends around. He's always asking if one of them can come over (or if he can go there), and gets really excited about visiting my mum and dad, or when J (the middle child) comes around.

As I write this, Ollie and J have been arguing, wrestling and carrying on just like brothers. The trouble with both of them is that they're both used to being alone and getting their own way, which makes it an interesting combination. But it's a nice one. It's nice to know that even though Ollie has lost his brother, he's still got someone who he can share that brotherly bond with.

When did he grow up?

I've been trying to think of something nice to post: some good memories about Sam preferably. But because of all the stuff that's been going on, every time I try to remember something, I end up sad, or with flashbacks about the day Sam died.

So I thought I'd go through some of my photos, to see if I could find something that sparked a memory.

Of course, the first problem is that I have more than 17000 photos on my computer, and a lot more in albums and on CDs, so that approach probably wasn't going to be as immediate and successful either. Still, it's always nice to look at them.

As I looked at Samuel's changing face over the years, I thought about how his personality had changed too; and how, in that last year before he died, he was well on his way towards becoming a man.

Of course, for most of the time we had with Sam he was a child (surely these are happy memories, which I'll get to - as soon as I can access those memories!).
Then suddenly he was a big brother:

It can't have been easy for him. For 7 years he was an only child, and treated as such. Suddenly there was no time for him, and so much more expected of him. But to his credit, for a while he remained his lovely, warm, friendly self: bright, funny, cheeky, but still fairly innocent and childlike.

It was around this time though, that we started becoming a little more 'permissive' in our parenting.
Suddenly, Samuel was watching more 'mature' TV shows (like 'Family Guy'), and seemed to be 'getting' more of his Uncle James' dirty jokes (surely that's what happens when you have busy parents and a new baby?!) While he was still lovely, new behaviours began to emerge:

Of course, it was all downhill from there. Before our very eyes, our boy began to transform into a profane, pre-pubescent preteen.
We went through a pretty rough patch in 2006; when Anthony got sick and I was working in a pretty tough environment. So all things considered, Samuel did OK. It must have been a pretty horrible time for him; with lots of added responsibility; grumpy, stressed, sick parents and a toddling little brother who did things like push his Lego men down the shower drain (how horrified the Lego lover Ollie is about that time now!)
He could have gone completely off the rails, but managed to keep it together (a testament to his resilience and wonderful personality).
But apart from the odd cranky outburst, he was pretty normal. He went about developing his wonderful musical tastes, perfecting his attitude, and collecting bling;
and although he seemed a bit horrid sometimes, he generally was still lovely.

There were times when I despaired about the loss of my little boy, but I knew things were going to be OK when he still dragged himself on little 'outings' with Oliver and I, despite an obvious lack of interest:
He usually came along willingly, and even enjoyed himself (when no one was looking).

Samuel was also a great person to have with around on holidays too, especially as he got older.
I'm a traveller, with hopefully much more travelling in my future, and only now am starting to come to terms with the fact that I might have to do it alone.
While Anthony will go on 'big' holidays if I drag him along, he's never been as enthusiastic about visiting relatives or doing short trips.
There was no way I was going to let that keep me at home, so I often used to just take off with the kids on tow. We would often drive to my godmother's house in Moruya, or even to Melbourne to visit my family there. He liked seeing new places and always got excited about going on holidays.

As he got older, Samuel became both my navigator and travelling partner. He would help with Oliver, provide great conversation on the long drives, and act as the DJ. It was actually nice having the two boys at such different stages, even though we had the occasional clash of interests, especially when acting as 'tourists'. Samuel loved doing the touristy stuff: zoos, motel pools etc; whereas Ollie always had to have sleeps or play at the park. But it was nice having someone to talk 'grownup' to.

As the years (and the photos) went on, I saw more and more of the potential man emerge:
The kid-with-attitude who still loved (and tolerated) his little brother:

And the attractive young man who was starting to care more about clothes and appearances:
He was still sweet and innocent sometimes, and becoming a mature and responsible person. By thirteen, he had acquired the obligatory gadgets (iPod, mobile phone), all through hard work (yes, I work my kids hard!) and perseverance. These gadgets were responsible for teaching him some important life lessons.
He learned the value of money and how to save for something he wanted when he saved up and bought himself both the iPod and the phone.
He also learned how easy it is to lose them. In year 7, a fellow student stole his phone, and despite our very strenuous efforts to get it back (and get some justice), he never did. A harsh lesson, and perhaps another step towards the end of his innocence. I still get angry about that. Even more so now that I just know this kid is never going anywhere in this life, but he still gets to live it. (No, I don't wish him harm, I just get angry)

But that's something I shouldn't dwell on.

As for the photos, I never could pinpoint that moment when he changed from boy to man. But perhaps this one comes close. This was taken just after his 12th birthday, in early year 7.

It's here where I can really start to see the difference in his face. He was starting to lose some of the puppy fat and seemed to be stretching upwards every day! He was just so gorgeous!

Oh Brother!

While they were very loved, both my kids were 'unplanned'. Samuel was very surprising 5 months into our relationship, and because we were fairly young, fairly broke and fairly new to both the relationship/parenthood thing, we decided not to have another one.
So imagine our surprise 7 years later when I found out I was pregnant. I was almost through my second year of uni, and a baby was probably the last thing on anyone's mind, but there it was.
Anthony took it pretty well, all things considered. We were still broke, but not so young any more! Samuel was fairly indifferent. Unlike Oliver, who becomes a gooey mess at the sight or a baby, Samuel did not have a clucky bone in his body.


But I think you'll agree, he was pretty taken with Ollie right from the start:

It can't have been easy for him, poor kid. Here he was just hitting his strides at school, when all of a sudden there's a noisy baby (Oliver was an active baby who did not like to sleep!) and a cranky mum who's always studying. But being the great kid he was, he just kept at it. Most of the time he even had a smile on his face!

When I started working and things became really tough (not a story I'm willing to go into here just yet), Samuel obviously found it hard. His interest in school dipped and he started putting on a bit of weight, but on the whole he was pretty nice to Ollie. Of course he found him annoying, he was nearly 8 years older after all, but he still found the time to play with him.
But their relationship wasn't perfect. Early on, Oliver discovered that if her screamed and cried, Samuel would get in trouble, and he used that very effectively at times. There were of course times that Samuel deserved to get into trouble, but not always. I think there was a good balance. Sometimes it was like this (note the hammer):

But other times it was like this:

And Samuel's one act of vandalism (not bad I reckon, for a pre-teen boy) included his brother:

The "Sam" is him of course, and the "O.M" is for Oliver. He told me about it not long after he did it (which is very much like him too), and he said he put one in for Ollie because he couldn't do it for himself. I think he was in about year 6 at the time. I thought it was very sweet of him to think of Ollie like that, even if he was defacing public property!
(It's funny, I'm very much a rule follower, but I don't really have a problem with this. I guess it would be a problem if everyone did it, but as a form of youth self expression I think it's fairly safe).

As we grew up, my brothers acted like they didn't care,
but I always knew they looked out for me and were there!
~Catherine Pulsifer, Inspirational Words of Wisdom

If only Ollie had been able to see Samuel reach his full potential as a brother. The more 'teen' he became, the less tolerant Sam was of his annoying little brother. When he had friends over, they were very nice, sometimes taking time out to play with him, but they (he) would get sick of it after a while and shut the door. Oliver, not knowing when to give up, would either keep opening it or kicking it, which frustrated Samuel no end. Poor kid, just wanted to do some normal teen things, like locking yourself in a dark room with your friends, some junk food and good, loud music.
But then other times, and particularly when his friends weren't here, Samuel was an awesome big brother. He played board games and hide-and-seek with Ollie, kicked a ball around with him, shared his water bombs and made him laugh all the time. He was like the other parent sometimes, making Ollie lunch or getting him drinks, sometimes scolding him like a parent (to which Anthony and O would always say "you're not his parent!" Confusing I guess!) We always knew that Samuel loved him a lot though. I think Oliver did too.

Oliver frustrated the hell out of Samuel, but I think he would have gone above and beyond for his little brother. It's one of the things that makes me the most sad, knowing that Oliver will never have that close sibling relationships. He does have a half brother, but he is 10 years older, and we don't see him very often. Oliver has only met him 3 or 4 times. Maybe when they're older they might manage to form some kind of relationship. I hope so. It can be pretty lonely as an adult without one, so I hope Oliver can find some good friends and a good partner. I've tossed around the idea of having another baby. There are a few pros (mainly that Oliver will have that sibling), but there are also a lot of cons. Not a decision to be made lightly, that's for sure!

Oliver

A lot of people have been asking me how Oliver is going. The truth is, I don't really know. He seems to be coping really well, but then will come out with a comment that makes me think it's playing on his mind.

For example, this morning Oliver woke up bright and cheerful as usual. We were talking about what I was going to put in his lunch and then out of the blue he said:
"How did Samuel fit in the box?"
I assumed he was talking about the coffin and explained that the coffin was the right size and Samuel fit perfectly. I reminded him that he had seen Samuel in the coffin. He then went back to talking about lunch.

He does this a lot. Last night when we were talking about going out on our bikes he asked, "how did Samuel stop breathing?". Of course I don't know the answer to this either, and that's what I told him. Once again he went back to the other subject.

Now if it was me asking thee types of questions out of the blue, it would be because it was constantly playing on my mind. But is it the same for a six year old? The few books and articles I read about children and grieving have said that it is fairly normal for kids to do this, especially kids Oliver's age, as they try to make sense of things. And I don't have a problem with the questions, I just wondered if it was because it's all he thinks about. I don't think so. Kids do tend to just blurt out what' on their mind, don't they. That's not such a bad thing I reckon.

Watch out for changes
When I went and saw the counsellor a few weeks back, she said that kids are pretty resilient and bounce back quickly. As a teacher, I can understand that. I've seen kids go through some pretty horrible things and come out the other side OK. But I've also seen kids fall apart or go off the rails, so it was a big concern for me. She also said to watch out for dramatic shifts in behaviour and that he might not even react to it until he reached 13. Wow.

Oliver has been amazing really, when you think about it. He was upset the first day, I think both as a reaction to the people around him as well as the initial impact of the situation. In the days that followed it was like he was overcompensating for the unhappiness around him.
On Christmas Day (which was three days after Sam died, so everyone was still pretty raw), he was going over the top with enthusiasm. Each present (we had tried very hard to do a 'normal' Christmas for him) was opened slowly and carefully and he raved about them, like he was trying to be happy for everyone.

For about a month, every time Oliver saw Anthony (or me) cry he would rush over and give us a hug. One day he must have heard Anthony crying outside because he raced out there to find him to give him the hug. It was so sweet to watch. He's kind of eased off a bit now, but if he's not doing anything and notices someone crying, he'll go and hug them. I've only seen him cry once. Last week, I think it was the night of his first day back at school, we thought he was asleep but then heard him crying. When I asked him what was wrong he said "Sam". Of course that set both Anthony and I off.

But, he's back at school and so far he's been OK. The school has been wonderful - so supportive and caring. They are really looking after him, and from what I can see so far, Oliver is responding with a good effort.

We'll see how he goes.